


Is Your Love Strong Enough?

by shakes



Series: Staying Together [1]
Category: The Outsiders - All Media Types, The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Love, Drama, Everyone Needs A Hug, Family, Family Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-01-11 23:46:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 45
Words: 139,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18434615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shakes/pseuds/shakes
Summary: Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

**Is Your Love Strong Enough?**

 

I felt the pinch in my neck as I started to come to. My hands found and started rubbing my eyes and face; three days' growth of beard scratching the palms of my hands before my eyes slowly opened to the brightness of the room. I looked over to the hospital bed and found Soda still asleep; his chair pushed up against it. He was bent over, head resting on his arms as his hand clutched tightly over our baby brother's. There was no change; the rhythmic beeping sound of the vitals monitor continued as did the whooshing of the respirator that was breathing for Ponyboy and keeping him alive.

I felt the tension in my neck spread upwards, my head started a subtle pounding. Empty and exhausted, I could only squeeze my eyes closed as I rubbed my temples; the pounding intensifying.

"Are you alright?" Pony's bedside nurse asked softly as she must have noticed that I'd finally woken.

There was nothing I could say. I nodded slightly, and looked back over to the two most important people in my life and felt my stomach turn. I wanted to scream; I wanted to yell. I wanted to punch a hole in the world and pull my two brothers through it to the other side and keep them safe beside me, but it was too late. The deed was done and here we were waiting; clawing onto some shred of hope, helpless to whatever fate had in store.

"There was no change overnight. He's still hanging in there," the nurse commented as she walked over to the bedside and checked various tubing and lines that were hanging in, out, and around my youngest brother.

It was like a horror movie; IV lines pumping medications, blood and fluids into various veins in both of his arms and one in his neck. Drain tubes draining blood and fluid from his lungs and his brain. Cords measuring temperatures, blood pressures, heart rate, oxygen content. That tube running into his lungs, pumping air in him to keep him alive. I could only stare blankly at the small body that belonged to my baby brother, barely recognizing his face from the swelling and bruising and bandages.

"You sure I can't do anything for you?" The nurse asked again.

' _Save my brother_ ' is what I wanted to scream at her, but I knew it wouldn't change things.

I stared at her, emotionally drained and shook my head. It was a matter of time, I knew it in my heart and I knew in my heart that it was my fault. I was Pony's big brother; I was delegated his guardian and I was supposed to look out for, and protect him, and here he was lying in a hospital bed ready to die.

I felt my hands start to shake and my throat swell as I stood up from the chair I'd been sleeping in. I rubbed at my face roughly to try and hide the tears I could feel that were starting to burn my eyes. I walked over to Sodapop, leaned over and kissed the back of his head while I rubbed his shoulder with one hand, and covered his and Pony's hand with my other.

"Soda," I whispered and shook his shoulder gently.

I heard him take a deep breath; turning his head towards me but not opening his eyes.

"Soda," I tried again, shaking his shoulder a bit harder until his eyes drooped open.

He suddenly bolted upright, turning frantically to look at our little brother. "No!" He yelled, and I gently placed my hands on his shoulders and rubbed as I lent down again to kiss his hair.

"Shhhh…" I urged as we both looked on at Pony; pale and lifeless on the bed in front of us. "I'm sorry, little buddy. I didn't mean to startle you like that. He's okay; hanging on. I gotta step out and I didn't want you to freak out if you woke up before I got back."

"Don't go, Darry," Sodapop started to panic as he turned his head towards me and reached out to grab my shirt.

"Shhhh…" I soothed, taking his hand and holding it tight. "Gettin' a coffee, maybe some aspirin. You should eat; I'll get you some food."

"Darry, you need to eat too. You gotta stay strong." His words slurred as he looked up at me worriedly. He was exhausted.

I smiled as best as I could and nodded. Soda's face relaxed and he nodded back before returning his attention to Ponyboy. Sodapop grabbed his hand in both of his before kissing it and laid his head back down on the bed beside him. I rubbed Soda's shoulder again while I maneuvered around him and the respirator, being careful not to disrupt anything. Leaning over, I kissed Pony on his ear.

"It's gonna be alright, little buddy. We're gonna take care of you now; just rest and get better okay? I'll be right back, I swear. I love you, baby."

I stood up slowly, and suddenly felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I looked over at the nurse who was sitting by the door charting and she gave me a sad smile. I nodded slightly to her as I looked back down at my brothers. I could feel myself slipping, but I knew I didn't have that luxury. I had to stay strong for both Soda and Ponyboy.

I quickly left the room knowing that I couldn't risk breaking down; not in front of Soda and especially not in front of Ponyboy while he was fighting to stay alive. I had to be strong. I had to be.

My legs were shaking and my head felt light when I exited the paediatric intensive care unit. When my eyes started burning and my vision blurred is when I B lined it for the men's washroom. Thankfully empty, I stumbled to the sink and turned the faucet on full, trying to silence the sound of my sobbing with the sound of the rushing water.

' _Get it together,_ ' I scolded myself internally, but the more I tried to gain control of my emotions the more they gained control over me.

I slammed my fists onto the counter surrounding the sink in a last-ditch effort to get a hold of myself.

"Darry? Darry, man..."

I looked up into the mirror to see the faces of Two-Bit and Steve, looking at me like I'd grown a third eye since the last day I'd seen them. Two-Bit approached me apprehensively, resting a hand on my shoulder.

"Jesus Christ," Steve muttered when he saw me and Two-Bit whipped around.

"Shut the fuckin' door," he threatened before turning back to me. "Darry, whoa man. Is he…did something happen? Is the kid…?"

I shook my head, knowing what he was asking.

"No, he's…there's no change. Soda's with him," I looked at Steve, knowing where he'd be headed. He nodded back at me and slowly slid out the door leaving me alone with Two-Bit.

"You alright, man?" Two-Bit watched me carefully as I looked at him, feeling numb.

I know none of the gang had ever seen me like this before, but on the verge of losing all that was important to me I found that I didn't care.

"No…no I'm not okay," I gasped as I stared at the water stained ceiling and let myself finally break.

My knees hit the tiled floor before Two-Bit had the chance to help break the fall. I could hear my voice echo off the walls of the small bathroom and tears I thought I'd already shed made their descent.

"It's gonna be okay, Darry. He's a tough little shit; been through hell and came back strong."

Two-Bit meant well, but he had no idea the extent of what had been done to Ponyboy; nobody had except me and Child Protective Services. Pony _was_ strong; he _was_ tough. He was small for his age and despite that he was always a good fighter, but Pony was so young. I thought about how small and frail he looked lying on the hospital bed; dead except for the machines keeping him alive.

"God, help us," I prayed out loud as my face hit Two-Bit's shoulder and I clung on to him desperately.

"It's okay, man. It's okay," Two-Bit lulled and wrapped his arms around my shoulders.

"It's okay," he repeated, but nothing was okay and I wasn't sure it ever would be again.

 


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

"Christ! Half of this food looks like shit. I wouldn't feed this to a goat," Two-Bit remarked as we made our way through the cafeteria.

He didn't say anything about my breakdown in the john a few minutes ago, and I was glad. Despite being a big jokester, Two-Bit was as solid as they came when it mattered. It wasn't that long ago that Two-Bit was packing his junker of a Buick to make the long trek through Texas in search of my missing brother and his best friend Johnny. He was a good guy, and a great friend.

"Whadaya thinking, Darry? Soggy hamburger? Fries?"

"Coffee. Black. Get something for Sodapop, would ya? I gotta find something for this headache before my head blows clean off."

Two-Bit found my last statement amusing and laughed loud enough to gain some annoyed looks from the other patients and visitors that were standing in line.

"Sure thing, Superman. I'll stick around and meet you back here when you're done."

I lifted my hand and nodded before I turned around and numbly walked through the crowd out of the cafeteria.

I tried to rack my brain thinking of a place that might supply me some pain killer for my pounding head, wandering aimlessly on the main floor of the hospital. It felt like yesterday, and at the same time it felt like a lifetime ago when I was here last with Sodapop. We raced over after the hospital called letting us know our missing brother was hurt in a fire. I remembered the feeling of relief that washed over me as we spotted Ponyboy sitting in a chair waiting. I remembered the feeling of him squeezing me as tight as he could, and how I'd done the same to him. I'd do anything to feel that again. If only the goddamned State hadn't interfered.

"Can I help you, hon?" an older woman asked me.

I looked at her confused, and realized I'd wandered into the giftshop without even realizing it. Everything seemed beyond my grasp, like I was in a dream, only this dream was real. This dream was a nightmare and there was no waking up from it.

"Yeah, you got anything for a headache?"

"Sure thing, sweetheart. Come follow me."

She directed me to a wall of different sample-sized packages of pills for different ailments. I could hear her voice asking me things, but I stopped paying attention when a toy had caught my attention and I found myself wandering off.

"That just came in the other day," the old woman commented as I picked up the stuffed toy pony, and gave it a once over.

It was big, soft and fluffy and I would never consider making such a frivolous purchase before, but something about the stuffed toy made me feel comforted. It looked a lot like a buckskin horse that Sodapop looked after when he was around Pony's age. I didn't know if Ponyboy was as crazy about horses as Soda, but I knew how crazy Ponyboy was about his big brother and figured it was worth the gamble.

"I'll take it," I told the woman and she smiled.

"What about these? Aspirin or Tylenol, sweetheart? You have a preference?"

"Aspirin," I said without hesitation. It was cheaper. "I'll take a few of those packages."

"Alright, my dear." She said as she led me over to the cash register. "That comes to nine dollars even."

I handed the woman a ten, and thought vaguely how the only other person to call me sweetheart or dear, was my mom. Life was simpler back when her and my dad were around. Life made sense before a car wreck took them from me and my two brothers.

I nodded at her when she gave me my change and a bag she'd put my aspirin into. I held the stuffed horse under my arm as I found my way back through the main floor and into the cafeteria. It didn't take long for Two-Bit to find me. There's nothing inconspicuous about a six-foot-two greaser holding on to a stuffed animal no matter what the circumstances. Two-Bit's eyes were bulging out of their sockets when he caught me entering the cafeteria, and a grin started spreading across his wise-assed face.

"Well, Lordy!" He chuckled. "That kid's gonna kill you when he wakes up to find that."

I could only pray that that moment would happen, but I knew the chances were against him. I wasn't sure I'd ever have my little brother rolling his eyes at me; giving me grief again.

"Well," I choked on my own words. "We'll just tell him it was from Sodapop."

Two-Bit laughed and slapped me on the back before squeezing me on the shoulder. "You got it, Darry!"

"You get coffee?" I asked as I tried to grin, but I'm sure it came out more like a grimace as the pain in my head seemed to circle around my right eye.

"I got you a couple. You look like you need it. Why don't you and Soda go home? Even if it's for a little while. You ain't no good to the kid if you two are falling apart at the seams."

"Two-Bit. You know neither one of us are leaving. This whole mess started because we weren't there to protect him."

"Me and Stevie can hold the fort," he urged, but I just shook my head at him.

"I appreciate that, Two-Bit. I really do, but there's only two ways I'm leaving his side. Either he's coming home with me and Sodapop, or he's going home to heaven."

"What about work? How are you guys gonna take care of these hospital bills?"

I scoffed at the question as I tossed a couple of aspirin into my mouth and downed them both with a generous swig of coffee. I winced when the taste hit my senses. It was quite possibly the worst cup of coffee I'd had in my life.

"The State technically owns him. Let them pay the fuckin' bill." I replied bitterly as we headed towards the elevator.

"Fair enough, brother," Two-Bit nodded slowly, keeping an eye on me as he pushed the button to take us to the third floor.

We were silent as we entered the elevator. It stopped on the second floor, and I noticed the wary looks both Two-Bit and myself received as a couple of nurses and three other people got on. I looked over to Two-Bit and noticed him cock an eyebrow.

"Don't even," I warned, and that was all it took for him to break out into his crazy laughter.

I figured he must have been half-cut. He normally was. I rolled my eyes, but felt the muscles in my face pull into a grin. The elevator doors opened on the third floor, and we were the only ones to get off. The doors shut behind us and I couldn't help but shake my head at Two-Bit as we made our way down the hallway, back towards the PICU.

"You're the absolute worst you know that, don't you?" I looked over at Two-Bit.

"Awww shucks, Darry! That's probably the nicest thing you've ever said to me." He laughed as I pushed the button outside the doors to the PICU to buzz the nursing station.

"Name please," a loud voice asked after a few seconds.

"Curtis. Ponyboy," I answered tiredly as I mentally tried to prepare myself for seeing my brother again.

The door opened and I immediately knew something wasn't right. I could hear Soda screaming at the top of his lungs and my heart dropped before Two-Bit and I were able to turn the corner to Pony's room.

"GET THE FUCK OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

I looked on in alarm as Sodapop lunged for a man in a suit.

"Soda, Jesus Christ!" Steve could barely hold Soda back as his arms and legs kept swinging, trying with everything he had to break free of Steve's grasp.

"GET OUT! YOU FUCKING BASTARD!"

I shoved the toy pony at Two-Bit and headed towards the glass door of Pony's room. Soda looked at me desperately before the dam broke, and the tears started falling.

"What the hell is going on?" I demanded as nurses, doctors, and security guards started circling.

"You fucking bastard! This is your fault!" Soda broke down and bawled like a baby.

I lunged for Soda before he hit the floor, and hauled him up by the armpits before holding his head to my shoulder. I felt his arms slide up and tighten around my back, and I started petting his hair to try and calm him down.

"What the hell is going on?" I demanded again, looking at Pony's nurse, the doctors, and the stranger wearing the suit.

"Fucking Social Services! FUCKING SOCIAL SERVICES!" Soda yelled out before he continued to sob into me.

"Yeah? That you?" I demanded from the suit.

"I'm only here for an update on your brother's condition."

"You ever hear of a phone?" I roared and the suit jumped back.

I looked at Pony's bedside nurse and shook my head. "I don't want him here. I don't want anyone here without me knowing about it."

"Mr. Curtis," the suit started in. "He's in the custody of the State. You have no right…"

I quickly let go of Sodapop and gently pushed him towards Steve as I walked towards, and stood up against the Social Services delegate; towering over him. It could have been so easy; all I wanted was to cause this State crony one ounce of the pain that my family was feeling. I looked down at him as I clenched my fists and clenched my jaw.

"Try and stop me, you piece of shit. Get the fuck out of here before I show you out. Don't come here again."

"Get him out!" the nurse nodded to the security guards, and they slowly approached the suit and guided him away.

"I'm sorry, Darrel." Pony's nurse touched my arm; her eyes pleading with me. "I was helping out in the next room. He must have snuck in."

"It's okay," I took a deep breath, and stared at her. "Nobody is to see him, do you understand me? Not without talking to me first."

She nodded nervously in response. I turned and looked at Two-Bit as he clutched onto the cafeteria tray and the stuffed pony I'd bought from the gift shop. I motioned to him, snapping my fingers and then holding out my hand. Two-Bit handed me the stuffed toy, and I shoved it under my arm before I made my way back into the room.

Soda's face was red and tear stained as the sobs racked his body. Steve had a firm hand on the back of his neck, but it did nothing to help my brother's body from trembling. Steve stepped back as I moved towards them. My hand rested gently on the top of Soda's head, my thumb rubbing gently against his forehead.

"Those fuckers," Soda shoved his way into my chest as he cried.

My arm automatically went around him keeping him close; keeping him safe. "Shhhh…watch the language, Pepsi. Not in front of Pony, okay?"

I didn't know if Ponyboy could hear us, even though a few of his nurses insisted that he could and encouraged us to keep talking to him as though he were awake and well.

"Darry, it's not fair!" Sodapop cried into my chest and all I could do was hold him.

"Shhhh...I know, little buddy. I know," I whispered into his hair.

I didn't know what to say to make it better for him. Pony and Soda had a bond that I didn't understand. It went beyond the ordinary younger brother worship other families experienced. Their bond went deep; it was like they could always feel each other, even when they weren't in the same room. I knew that if or when Pony went, I'd lose Sodapop too. I'd lose everything and the thought made me want to kill. I suddenly thought of Dallas Winston, and wondered if he'd gone through a similar situation that made him so cold.

"C'mon. Ponyboy needs us now." I held Soda's head in both of my hands and lifted his face to look up at me.

Soda hurriedly wiped at his eyes, clearing the tears away when he caught notice of the stuffed toy that was shoved underneath my armpit. He cocked his head to one side, and gently pulled it out. He smiled slightly as he looked up at me.

"What's this?" he asked as he inspected the pony; his fingers dragging through the fuzzy mane and tail.

"I don't know," I shrugged. "I just saw it and…" my voice trailed off.

"He's a little big for stuffed animals, ain't he Darry?" Soda sniffed.

"I thought it could help." I stated simply as my eyes wandered over to Ponyboy, still looking lifeless on the bed.

Soda nodded and turned from me, making his way over to our brother.

"Hey, Pony! Lookit! It's Mickey Mouse!" His voice cracked.

Soda sat down in his chair and gently tucked the pony between Ponyboy's arm and chest making sure not to disturb any of the tubing or cords that were attached to him. He then grabbed Pony's hand and held it in the both of his as he rested his forehead against it. I quietly made my way over to the opposite side of the bed. Leaning down, I softly kissed Pony on his forehead that was covered in bandages.

"I'm still here, baby. I told you I'd come right back, right? It's okay, you just hang on. It'll be okay. We're here right beside you."

Steve pushed a chair up for me and I nodded at him in appreciation as I sat down. I took a deep breath and reached down to cover Ponyboy's other hand in mine. I looked up as Two-Bit handed me the other lousy cup of coffee and the four of us hunkered down for the rest of the day.

 


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

It was late when the nurses finally kicked Steve and Two-Bit out of Pony's room. I was a little wary they were going to start in on Soda and myself but they seemed to know that the two of us were not going to move. I didn't think I could even get Sodapop to leave his brothers' side, even if my life depended on it. That's just the way he was when it came to Pony.

We kept a silent vigil at Ponyboy's bedside; praying for any sign that he was still with us. Three days ago, my youngest brother was alive and well; whining at me about how he wanted to come home. I remembered how I raised my voice at him and told him there wasn't anything more that I could do that I wasn't already doing. I know I'd hurt him when I yelled; like I hadn't learned anything from all the shit that went down before this. I don't know why I couldn't just take a breath and calm down. Why couldn't I be more like Sodapop and have my concern come out in comfort instead of exploding in anger?

"It's not your fault, Darry." Soda's voice snapped me out of my reverie.

I looked over at him as he was tiredly inspecting me. As usual, it was as though he could read my mind. Soda never gave himself enough credit. He never did well in school, so he assumed that made him dumb. Sodapop Curtis was far from being dumb. He could read you like a book without you ever having to say a word. Soda could read anyone. He always understood me and Ponyboy when we couldn't understand each other. He was the tie that bound the three of us so tightly together.

"It ain't your fault," he repeated, but I just looked at him.

"Isn't it? I'm the one that caused all of this. I'm the one that hit Pony and drove him to run away. It's the reason the socs found him and Johnny and almost killed him. It's the reason they went missing. Johnny dies, the fuzz kill Dally, Pony gets sick and the next thing I know he's getting hauled off to some foster home. It's not my fault?"

"No, it's not," Soda replied firmly. "What's done is done, Darry. You gotta stop beating yourself up for that night. Nobody coulda known what was gonna happen."

I couldn't bring myself to look at Soda. What he knew of Pony's time in the State's custody only scratched the surface. I didn't even know if I'd ever be able to bring myself to tell him what really happened to his brother. I didn't know if Soda would be as forgiving of me if he ever found out.

"Pony loves you to death, Darry. He does; that's why he's always trying so hard. He don't blame you. I don't blame you either."

"Well, maybe you should," was all I could choke out before swallowing down the pain and hiding it deep down with all the other shit.

"Don't do that, Darry. Don't shut me out like that. I'm in this too, y'know? I'm here for you as much as you're here for me and Ponyboy. You gotta stop shutting us out."

"I'm not shutting you out, I'm ju...”

“Just trying to protect us. I know, Darry. I know."

"How do you do that?" I grinned.

"Do what?"

"Read my mind. Sometimes I think you know me more than I do."

Soda smiled at this, but didn't say anything.

I looked at him seriously. "I'll always be your big brother. You and Pony. I'm always gonna do everything I can to protect you two. I just screwed up this time."

"Darry…" Soda started, but I shook my head at him. I couldn't handle Soda defending me. It made me feel even more guilty.

"Mr. Curtis?"

I looked up as a doctor walked quietly in the room and cautiously approached the bed. I felt myself tense; not really meaning to it just seemed like an automatic reaction. I noticed Soda's hand and how it squeezed around Pony's a little tighter.

"Darry," I corrected him as I slowly stood up from my chair, reached over Pony's legs and offered my hand. Soda remained where he was; clutching at Pony and didn't even acknowledge the doctor.

He gave a slight smile while he nodded and shook my hand. He looked too young to be a doctor, maybe in his late thirties and I wondered how in the hell he could be Pony's doctor unless he was smart. I suddenly wondered if he was maybe like my little brother; got put up a grade because he was ahead of his class.

"Greg Allain," he introduced himself. "I've been watching your brother since he came in Tuesday night. He's had a pretty rough go of things."

I nodded in reply as I quickly looked over at Ponyboy, then looked back as the doctor backed up and grabbed an extra chair that was over by the door. He brought it up to the bed and slowly sat down next to Soda. Soda continued to ignore him; clinging desperately onto Pony.

"This is my brother, Sodapop." I gestured over to Soda, and the doctor grinned but didn't comment on the name my father had given my brother. I guess it wasn't any more unusual than the other brother's name who happened to be his patient.

"I wanted to talk to you about Ponyboy. It's only been a few days but I wanted to touch base with you; see if there were any questions you had about what we're doing here?"

"How is he? I mean…" I shrugged, not really knowing how or what to ask.

"I'm not going to lie to you, Darry. It's bad. Your brother sustained multiple injuries; life threatening injuries. The fact he's still hanging on is incredible. I didn't think he'd make it past the first night he came in."

I wasn't surprised by his reaction. I'd heard plenty of comments from the staff when they thought we weren't listening, or thought that I couldn't hear. There were horrified whispers inside and outside of the unit of that ' _poor kid who was beaten to death_ '. I wanted to believe with everything I had that Ponyboy would fight his way through this, but I was realistic enough to know that the chances were against him.

"Have you thought about how far you want to take this?"

"What do you mean?" I asked slowly.

"Your brother suffered some massive trauma. He has some serious injuries especially to the brain. _If_ your brother lives, I can't guarantee there won't be permanent damage. He could end up completely bed ridden, have mental retardation, seizures. He may end up requiring total care."

"What are you saying, doc?"

"Have you given any thought to withdrawing care?"

"What!?" Soda hollered incredulously. "Are you kidding me? Darry, don't you dare! Don't give up on Pony like that, you can't!"

"Soda," I warned as I felt my throat swell and my eyes start to blur.

"Look, I'm sorry to be the one to have to bring this sort of thing up. I see families go through this sort of thing everyday and it's never easy."

Never easy. Nothing about our life was easy, even when our parents were alive. We always seemed to struggle, whether it was financially, or just trying to stay together after they died. I hoped things would somehow work out in our favor, but here we were.

"Darry," Soda began to sob, and it felt like getting punched in the gut. "Darry, you can't give up on him. Please…please I'm begging you! Don't give up on him!"

"Listen," Dr. Allain spoke softly. "It seems like you guys need some time to talk and think about things. In the mean time, we'll take good care of your brother; watch what he does in the next few days. Darry?"

I felt the warmth of silent tears as they made their descent. I looked back at the doctor.

"I just want you to be prepared. You need to think about how far you're willing to go to save your brother. You also need to think about what's in _his_ best interest, no matter how hard that decision is."

"Is that it then?" Soda sniffed once the doctor had left the room. "We just pull the plug? That's it? We stop fighting?"

"It's not like that, Soda. I don't wanna give up on him, little buddy. I just don't want him to suffer…" my voice broke as I tried to grasp the fact that this was really happening.

With that, Soda broke down and cried. I felt helpless as I watched, knowing there wasn't anything I could do to make it better for him except the impossible. The only thing that would make this horror go away would be Ponyboy being okay, and it didn't seem as though that were possible.

I slowly moved over to the chair the doctor vacated next to Sodapop and rubbed his back while he cried. Soda always wore his heart on his sleeve, but I don't remember ever seeing him so broken before. When Ponyboy had gone missing months before, Soda had cried himself to sleep every night, but every morning he'd wake up knowing there was still a chance that Pony would come back to us. After the doctor left, we were left with nothing.

"Soda," I whispered.

Soda practically threw himself at me; sobbing uncontrollably and eventually soaking the front of my shirt with tears. I turned my face into his; kissing his temple while I held him tight with my left arm. It wasn't long before I realized that I was crying as hard as he was.

I reached out for Pony's hand with my right hand and held on to his fingers, giving them a gentle squeeze. It could have been three minutes or three hours later; I completely lost all concept of time. Soda's sobbing was slowing, his breath starting a sort of hiccup from crying so intensely.

I let out a long sigh and swallowed, feeling as though I could just crawl under a rock and stay there forever. I was so completely exhausted, I barely felt the tickling on the heel of my palm. I sniffed and absently let go of Soda. As he straightened out in his chair, I felt the light tickle on the heel of my palm again. I looked over at my hand and my heart stopped when I saw Pony's thumb move and stroke the base of my thumb.

"Oh, my God!"

 


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

The court hearing didn't go like I had expected. After meeting with our regular social worker Mrs. Richards, I was confident everything would go smoothly, and we could get life back to normal.

I knew it was going to take time to get over losing both Johnny and Dallas, but I wasn't prepared to lose my brother on top of that.

Pony had just seen his best friend die in a hospital bed, then another friend shot down in the street by the police when he passed out unconscious and ended up in the hospital himself. Luckily Soda and I could bring him home after a day and a half even though he'd ended up with a concussion after getting a kick to the head during a rumble with the socs the night Johnny and Dally died.

It felt like too much was happening all at once and I couldn't get a handle on things by the time we were in court in front of a judge telling us it would be in Pony's best interest for the State to take custody. To say it was unexpected would be an exaggeration. In the days leading up to our time in court, I had Mrs. Richards assuring me that the court hearing was just a formality and Pony was in little danger of being apprehended by the State.

There was no time to prepare; no chance to talk to Pony after the judge had asked him his questions. They'd already arranged a place for him to stay before the hearing was even over. It didn't even matter that Pony had told them I was a good guardian and that he was happy at home. Once the judge asked Soda and I about our association with Dallas Winston, Ponyboy was already gone. I'd never trust the State again; it was the most meticulous play of deception I'd seen. I'd been fooled in thinking they wanted to help keep us together. I was wrong.

Sodapop didn't say anything on the ride home from the courthouse; he didn't even shed a tear. He stared blankly out his window; his jaw clenched and his knuckles were white at his side. I guess there wasn't anything to say. Our world was crumbling down around us.

Soda jumped out of the truck before I even had it in park. I sat numbly in the truck and watched as he stormed into the house. I didn't know if he blamed me; if he was mad at me or just mad at the world but I understood his anger. I understood the anger that was inside of him, but at that moment I was too tired to fight. I was too tired of fighting and having it not make one goddamned shred of difference.

I eased my way out of the cab of the truck when Steve pulled up in the drive. I barely noticed Two-Bit standing in front of me when I'd neared the steps up to the porch. Once again, there wasn't much to say; I suppose the look on my face said it all as I looked into Two-Bit's eyes and shook my head.

"Jesus Christ," he swore under his breath and we both looked over at Steve.

"Soda's gonna need you," I nodded at Steve. "Now more than ever. If you can keep him outta trouble, I'd appreciate it."

"I dunno what to say, Darry. What the fuck happened?"

"I wish I knew, Steve. I wish I knew."

"So, what now?" Two-Bit asked as a grey car slowly came to a stop at the sidewalk in front of the house.

I shrugged my shoulders as we watched Mrs. Richards slowly and cautiously get out of her car. I shook my head and scoffed as I slowly made my way inside of the house. Soda was nowhere to be seen; I assumed he was behind the closed door of his and Pony's bedroom. There was a slight throb starting at my forehead, and I knew it was going to grow into a doozy.

The boys were quiet as they came in the house, but there was nothing quiet about them slamming the door on our social worker. Normally, I wouldn't stand for them being assholes like that, but now my only regret was that I wasn't the one to slam the door. Soon afterward there was a light knocking, and the pounding in my head started to increase.

"Wonder who that could be?" Two-Bit asked and had the audacity to look clueless as I rolled my eyes at him and headed for the door.

It slammed against the wall as I threw it open and stared coldly at Mrs. Richards through the screen door. She looked up at me nervously, and rightfully so. She was the last face on the planet I wanted to be looking at right then. She was a liar and betrayed my family and my trust. I'd known guys whose parents didn't teach them how to be gentlemen; thought nothing about raising a hand to a woman. As much as I thought it'd be justified, I couldn't bring myself to do it even if I did want to.

"Darrel," she said nervously as she clutched tightly to her purse.

"I can't even imagine why you're here," I looked down at her and felt a small sense of satisfaction to know she was squirming at the doorstep.

"Look, Darrel. I know you don't want to see me right now, but you have to…"

"Have to?" I didn't even let her finish her sentence. "I don't have to do a damned thing where you're concerned, lady."

"I know you're angry with me Darrell, but I only want what's best for Ponyboy."

"And according to you, that's not me and Soda. You think he's better off in a boy's home or some foster home with strangers than being with his family."

"That's not what I think Darrel. I tried…"

"STOP LYING TO ME, LADY!" I yelled and left her standing at the door while I stormed through the living room and went into the kitchen.

I wasn't used to the feeling of losing control; control of my family and most of all control of myself. I had a reputation of remaining calm and grounded, but it was my brothers that kept me grounded. Soda and Ponyboy gave my life purpose and focus, the focus being staying together. With Pony gone I suddenly felt scared and I never allowed that feeling to creep in before. What if I couldn't get him back? They were both depending on me.

I grabbed my dirty coffee cup from beside the sink and thought about the last cup I'd drank that morning when I was confident everything was going to be okay. My greatest challenge was going to help my baby brother through the loss of our friends, but I knew he'd be okay because we'd all heal together. How was he supposed to get better while surrounded by strangers? I suddenly couldn't think. I whipped around and the mug hit the wall next to the back door, exploding against the peeling paint.

I didn't realize I'd been followed into the kitchen by both Two-Bit and Steve, and Mrs. Richards who gasped out loud as my coffee cup met its demise. I let out a sigh, and turned toward the counter.

"Darry?" I turned to look as Soda rushed in. His eyes were bloodshot, no doubt he'd been crying in privacy of his room.

He noticed Mrs. Richards, and I wasn't sure if it was a look of devastation or rage on his face. Steve seemed to sense it as well, he planted a firm hand on his shoulder to hold him back from whatever it was he was going to do.

"What do you want?" Soda choked.

"I'm so sorry, I know my being here is upsetting. I know you don't believe me, and I don't blame you. I just want you to know that I think the Judge made the wrong decision."

"You do?" Soda sniffed.

"I spoke with him before the hearing. I told him that…"

"I can't do this," I announced as my head felt like it was going to implode. "I can't do this."

"I came for a few of Ponyboy's things. I realize this is hard, but he'll need clothes, his school books, etcetera."

I couldn't move. I just stared blankly out the window while Sodapop turned back and headed towards the bedroom. Mrs. Richards didn't try to talk again, and for that I was grateful. It didn't matter to me if she was on our side, because it made no difference. The State still took him; they could do whatever they wanted to us. Just like the cops could shoot whoever they wanted. Sure, it wasn't a surprise the way Dally died, but that didn't make it right.

"Here's his book bag," I heard Soda as he re-entered the kitchen with Pony's things to surrender.

"Thank you, Soda," Mrs. Richards replied quietly.

"You need a bag for his clothes, Sodapop?" Two-Bit's voice sounded far away as I blocked out what was happening.

There were doors opening and closing and muddled voices speaking. I stared at an old oak tree in the backyard where we used to have a swing made from an old tire. I remembered when dad strung that thing up and Soda, Pony, and myself would take turns spinning each other around. I remembered the time Soda and I had the tire spinning so fast, poor Pony threw up after. I remembered how he wasn't mad at us for that, he just laughed and begged us to let him get back on the swing.

"You remember that swing we used to have years ago?" I knew that Soda was behind me. I could feel the energy in the room shift whenever he walked in.

"Yeah, that old tire dad traded his tools for with Mr. Jenkins?"

I nodded. "What do you say we make another one when Pony comes back home?"

"You…you still think he'll come back?" Soda stood beside me and looked out at the old tree.

"I'm not gonna stop until he does, little buddy."

It was quiet for a moment while we both stood there thinking about the past. Soda edged closer to me and I looked at him while he grabbed for my hand.

"I love you, Darry."

"I love you too, Soda. I love you too."


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

It'd been two weeks, and the days passed by slowly. The fall warmed up considerably which in turn picked things up at work. It was a bad thing for a couple of reasons. One, extra hours on top of the extra hours I'd already committed to, meant there wasn't any time to get on Social Services to get Ponyboy back home where he belonged. Two, being busy didn't keep my mind off the fact that he was gone and it was tearing me up inside. The only good thing about working so much was being able to catch up on bills.

It was hard to focus at work. Roofing houses had its own risks, and that was on a good day. All I could think about was how much time I could have been down at Social Services trying to get Pony back, and I was stuck working as many hours as I could so that they couldn't use money as another reason to keep him from where he belonged. I kept replaying the court hearing in my head, wondering where I went wrong.

As hard as I tried to keep a sense of normalcy for not just Soda and myself, but Steve and Two-Bit as well, it wasn't happening. We were all still trying to re-group after the loss of Dally and Johnny, and losing Ponyboy to the State that soon after left things in chaos. It's like we were all just floating aimlessly around day by day, just trying to get by.

It was dark out when I started to wake. I could hear the rain beating down, and felt the occasional breeze blowing through the partly opened bedroom window. I looked over at my clock and it was only three in the morning when I heard the front door open.

I eased my way out of bed and threw on my jeans not bothering to do them up. I was heading for the kitchen to grab a glass of water and to see which one of our friends was using the couch for the night. The living room was empty with the front door wide open and I noticed Sodapop sitting by himself on the steps of the porch smoking.

He sat shivering in nothing but a t-shirt and his underwear while he watched the rain make puddles in the dirt of our driveway. It wasn't often that Soda would work on a cigarette, but I knew how twisted up he was about Ponyboy being gone. It was like a punch in the gut to know I couldn't do anything but wait and pray the State would reassess their decision.

"Hey Pepsi," I opened the screen door quietly so as not to spook him. "You're gonna catch pneumonia out here in the rain. Besides, I think there's a law against wearing nothing but your underwear in public."

Soda didn't acknowledge me, he just sat staring at the steps of the porch while he worked on his smoke. I sat down beside him and watched him. I wished desperately for the right words to say to ease the pain he was feeling. I knew how miserable Soda was without Ponyboy; I felt it too.

We were silent while Sodapop smoked his cigarette. It wasn't until he threw the butt of it out onto the sidewalk that he turned his head to look at me. In the moonlight, I could tell that he'd been crying. I reached over to ruffle his hair and felt the heat radiate off him.

"Hey," I was suddenly alarmed. "You got a fever, little buddy. What the hell are you doing out here without any clothes on?"

Soda looked me over before he spoke. "I could ask you the same thing, y'know?"

"Don't get mouthy," I frowned, and it made Soda grin.

I moved my hand down to the back of his neck and worried when it felt hot too. I slowly pulled him in for a hug. He took in a shuddering breath and I felt the weight of him melt into me.

"I dunno if I can do this Darry," he cried. "I feel like part of me is dying. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't say shit like that 'cause I know you're doin' the best you can. I know you're feelin' it too. I just…"

He gently pushed me away and sat up to look me in the eye. A second later he sighed, shaking his head, looking away.

"I dunno how you put up with a bawl baby like me," he sniffed and pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes.

"C'mon, you ain't so bad. I don't mind." I grinned at him and rubbed his back.

He gave me a wry grin before he slapped my knee and pushed himself up from the step. He turned towards me and held out a hand. I grinned back at him and took it, letting him help pull me up to my feet. I followed him into the house and headed for the kitchen while Soda turned on the lamp beside the sofa and then sat down.

I filled a glass of water for him and set it down on the coffee table before heading for the medicine chest in the bathroom to grab aspirin. Before returning, I pulled the comforter off his and Pony's bed. In the light of the living room I could see just how sick he was. He was pale with dark circles under his eyes. His skin looked clammy.

"You picked a good time to run outside naked, little buddy," I gently scolded, but Soda wasn't having any of that.

"At least I'm wearing my shorts. Mind doin' up your pants, Darry? You'll be giving the girls in the neighbourhood a heart attack if they see that thing."

I rolled my eyes while I put the aspirin down on the coffee table and then tossed the comforter at his head. He laughed while he pulled it down onto his lap and I looked at him pointedly while I buttoned and zipped my jeans. I plopped down on the couch beside him and then proceeded to help wrap him up in the blanket.

"Sorry, Darry," he smiled sadly.

"Shut up, you are not," I messed up his hair and then reached over and fished out a couple of aspirin for him to take.

He finished the glass of water along with the pills and then shuffled over on the couch so he was up against my side. We both leaned back at the same time and I stretched out and put my feet up on the coffee table. I threw my arm over his shoulder and he rested his head against mine.

"Get some sleep, little buddy."

"Mmhmm," he mumbled. "You too."

It didn't take long before I heard Soda's gentle snoring, and I'd made up my mind to call in sick to work. I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I knew I had to get Pony back home. It was time to pay Mrs. Richards a visit and get my little brother back.

When I woke up, Sodapop was still fast asleep on my shoulder and snoring softly. The rain had stopped sometime after we'd nodded off, and the sun was shining brightly through the front window. I gently moved Soda so that he was leaning towards the couch instead of me, and eased my way up and off the sofa. Before making my way to the kitchen, I let my hand rest on Soda's forehead. He was still feverish.

The clock in the kitchen said 7 o'clock. I'd slept in, but still had time to call my boss and let him know I wouldn't be able to work. He didn't fight me on the issue; he was well aware of my situation and couldn't believe I didn't take any time off. After, I decided to give Steve a call and let him know Sodapop was sick.

"He okay?" Steve asked concerned.

"Yeah, he'll be okay. Has a fever again this morning and he needs to sleep. He hasn't had a full nights' sleep since the trial."

"Tell me about it. Almost had a car come down on him yesterday."

"What?" I demanded. Soda hadn't mentioned anything about it.

"He ain't safe, Darry. He's gonna kill himself if he don't get his shit together."

I rubbed my face tiredly and felt a headache creep on when I heard soft knocking at the door. "Thanks for looking out for him, Steve. Somebody's at the door, I gotta go."

"Alright, Darry. I'll swing by later after work."

"Okay. Bye." I hung up the phone while the knocking repeated.

I didn't have a clue who'd be knocking on our door on a Saturday morning. Nobody ever knocked on our door no matter what day of the week it was. Our door was never locked. We didn't own anything worth stealing, and to me it was important to have a safe place for one of our friends to lay low if they needed, or just have a couch to sleep on if there was no place else to go.

I was both surprised and wary to see Mrs. Richards on the doorstep. I hesitated before opening the screen door for her and she made no move to come in. She looked me over, and I realized I was only wearing my jeans.

"Darrel," she nodded slowly.

"I've been meaning to call…" I started, but she held up her hand.

"I know how busy you've been with work. I spoke with your employer Mr. Garver. He told me you've been picking up extra hours."

"I don't want there to be anymore reasons for you not to give me my brother back." I said simply.

"That's not up to me, Darrel. If it were, Ponyboy would be home where he belongs."

"Then what do I have to do? Tell me and I'll do it," I was just short of begging and she slowly nodded.

"This isn't the best solution, but I worked very hard to make this happen and let me tell you it wasn't easy."

I looked at her confused and shook my head. "What are you talking about?"

She turned and waved towards the street where her car was parked. The back door opened slowly, and in a flash Ponyboy was running up the walkway and up the stairs and was tackling me inside the house. I didn't have time to process what was happening, or how this was possible. I had my youngest brother clinging to me and I felt the weight of the world slide off my shoulders.

"Darry!" Ponyboy cried, and I held him as tightly as I could while I looked over to Mrs. Richards in confusion.

"How? I…I don't understand," I shook my head at her and she smiled back.

"Ponyboy can return home every second weekend. Make sure he's not late for school come Monday morning. It took some convincing, but my boss reluctantly agreed."

I couldn't help the smile that took over my face, or the laughter that seemed to escape my mouth. I looked down at Pony and stroked his hair while he looked up at me in tears. I pulled him back into my chest and looked back at Mrs. Richards.

"It's not the answer you're looking for, Darrel, but it's a start. The rest I'm working on, you've got to believe me."

I did believe her and nodded in thanks before she turned around and headed for her car. I didn't want to let my guard down, but maybe, just maybe, there were people out there that did care and did want me and my brothers to be together.


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

"Where's Soda?" Ponyboy sniffed while his hands rubbed at his face, wiping his tears away.

"Living room on the sofa," I barely finished my sentence as Ponyboy made a move to head towards his brother. I grabbed him by the arm and brought him back.

"Take it easy, okay? He's pretty sick and I'd like it if he could get some rest today."

The words sounded ridiculous to me. I knew nothing I said or did would keep those two separated for long.

"He okay?" Pony looked worried, and I suddenly felt a pang of regret for telling him about Soda.

"Yeah, he's okay. Probably just getting a cold. He hasn't slept much lately."

Ponyboy nodded and looked towards the living room. I could suddenly see the toll the past weeks had been taking on him too. His bleached hair had grown out slightly and looked unkempt without the usual hair grease Pony was known for using. He had the same dark circles underneath his eyes that Soda had, making him look like a smaller version of Sodapop, so much so, that it was eerie.

My hand moved up as if out of my control, and pushed his hair back. This seemed to make Pony self conscious; he shifted uncomfortably, stepping away from me as he unsuccessfully tried to rearrange his hair without the hair grease to tame it down.

"He don't let me put grease in my hair," Pony commented while he looked down at his feet.

"He?" I pushed.

"Mr. Campbell. Says it's dirty and I should keep my hair clean."

Something in Ponyboy's voice struck me as odd, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

"He okay? I mean, is he treating you okay?"

Pony nodded slowly. "Yeah, he's okay. He ain't you or Soda though."

I felt my stomach drop at his words. He was miserable. We all were but we were stuck in a situation where there was somebody else calling the shots. I wanted to make it better for Pony; for all of us but it was out of my control.

"Hang in there, kid," I said quietly while I rested my hand on his shoulder.

Pony nodded glumly. "I just wanna come home," he looked at me for answers and I couldn't give him any.

"I know, Pony," I felt myself getting worked up at his pleading.

"Look, you'll be here every other weekend and that's more than I ever expected. Try to focus on that; we gotta be thankful for that much. In the meantime, do as your told, keep your nose out of trouble and hopefully this won't last long."

I could tell that my words came out like a blow to the stomach, but they were out before I could take them back. Pony just stood there and stared at his feet. It wasn't the answer that brought him any comfort, but then again, bringing comfort to my youngest brother wasn't ever my strength. That job seemed to be Soda's specialty.

"Why don't you go get Soda up? He'll never let me be if he knows you've been here this long and I let him sleep through it. Just take it easy on him."

Pony seemed to perk up a bit and he spun away from me, running for the living room. I sauntered back to my bedroom to throw some underwear and a clean shirt on, and I let myself smile when I heard the ruckus that was my two brothers. After putting my jeans back on, I moved through the living room towards the kitchen, and grinned when I saw Sodapop on top of Ponyboy; smothering him into the cushions of the couch.

"Soda!" Pony was squealing like a toddler while his brother was laying flat out on top of him, his hands moving up his sides tickling the crap out of him.

"Bacon and eggs good for breakfast?" I smirked while Pony looked up at me; pleading for me to help.

"Darry! Help!" Pony was out of breath from trying to fight Soda off, and from laughing so hard. "Darry!"

"Pony, I told you to take it easy on him. He ain't feeling good." I mocked irritation, but then chuckled at the exasperated look on Pony's face.

"Darry!"

"Alright, alright," I grinned and hauled Soda up by the armpits so that Ponyboy could breathe. "He's about to pass out, Soda."

"Serves him right," Soda sat back down on the couch, pulling Ponyboy into a hug.

"You two hungry?" I asked and made my way to the ice box in the kitchen, pulling out the eggs and bacon.

They were quiet in their response and as I poked my head around the corner I saw them sit with their arms around each other in a tight embrace. I felt a pull in my chest as I silently watched them; Soda pulling back, and smoothing his hand down lightly from the top of Pony's head, down the side of his face until he gripped him behind the neck. I was reminded again of the special bond those two shared and a part of me was envious.

I remembered the days when I felt free enough to share that kind of closeness with my brothers. The days when we were free to be kids; when we didn't have Social Services breathing down our backs and watching every move we made; ready to pounce on us for every little thing. There was a time when I was their brother, enjoying the carefree innocence of being young and foolish. Back when a bad day consisted of losing a football game, not making it to second base with the girl you were after, or not being able to hang out late with your friends because it was a school night. Now I was their guardian, and with that came more responsibility than I ever could've imagined before.

I knew the responsibility of looking out for my brothers changed me, and not always for the better. I thought back to the night I'd hit Ponyboy, and felt my knees start to buckle. If I could've somehow just let the issue rest; if I listened to Sodapop that night, Pony wouldn't have run away. He'd be home where he belonged. My two brothers wouldn't be apart and so miserable. I tried to feel a sense of peace knowing we still had each other, even if it was just part time, but seeing Soda and Ponyboy together after just two weeks of being separated reaffirmed that it wasn't going to be enough.

A pillow was thrown and caught me in the face and brought me out of my thoughts. I looked back at my brothers, still seated on the couch together, both grinning at me. They could've passed for twins if Pony hadn't been so small. Two peas in a pod.

"Earth to Darry," Soda teased, and Ponyboy cracked up laughing.

"You two done huggin' and kissin', or am I gonna have to rent you a room downtown?" I goaded them.

"Gross!" Pony whined and then shoved Sodapop away from him. Soda just laughed.

"Are you two hooligans hungry, or what? Come help me with breakfast." I couldn't help but grin at the two of them and how happy they were at that moment. Despite my worrying, I was happy too.

"You heard him, go help with breakfast," Soda teased in fake superiority at our little brother, and gently backhanded him on the rear when Pony stood up to join me in the kitchen.

"Darry," Ponyboy started to complain, and I rolled my eyes.

"Soda," I warned while Sodapop slowly stretched out on the couch.

"Pony," Soda mocked in a high pitched, nasally voice. I rolled my eyes. Things seemed to be back to normal.

"Alright, you two!" I groaned. "The both of you are gonna give me a damned headache," but inside, I was smiling. It was only for the weekend, but I had my family back.

I headed towards the kitchen sink with Ponyboy in tow, filled up a glass of water and handed it to him.

"Here, give this to Soda and make sure he takes a couple of aspirin. They're on the coffee table."

Ponyboy took the glass from me and slowly made his way into the living room while I opened the oven to take out the fry pan. I turned the stovetop on to start cooking the bacon, and Ponyboy came back with the glass still full of water, looking at me gingerly.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothin', he's fast asleep." Pony replied. "Sorry, I didn't know if I should wake him up or not."

"It's okay, Pony," I turned from the stove to him and grabbed the glass of water from his hand.

"Why don't you start on the bacon and I'll get on your brother." I patted him gently on the shoulder.

"He's okay, right Darry? I mean, he felt kinda hot when we were goofing around."

"Yeah, he'll be okay, Pony. He's just stressed out. It's been a long couple of weeks around here."

I regretted the words as soon as they came out. Of course, Pony knew all too well how difficult the last couple of weeks had been. I could see it clearly on his face, especially the way he looked down sadly and stared at his feet and shuffled.

"Hey," I said softly. "It's gonna be okay, Pony. I promise."

Pony looked at me like he wasn't quite convinced at first, but after a moment he smiled. I grinned back at him, and ruffled his hair.

"Get busy, kiddo. I'm starving," I teased as I made my way for the living room.

"'kay Darry."

I looked over to the couch as I made my way into the living room, and sure enough Soda was out like a light. Stretched out in his t-shirt and briefs, he was already snoring; head turned to the side and his arms bent over his head. I crouched down next to him and shook him on the shoulder.

"Soda. Soda, come on. You need to take a couple aspirin before you go back to sleep."

Soda lazily opened one eye to look at me, and then slowly turned over and pushed himself up on one elbow. He held out his hand while I poured a couple of pills into his palm, popped them in his mouth and took a healthy drink from the glass of water I held out for him.

"He's here, right? I didn't dream it?" Soda whispered while he laid back down, sinking into the cushions while I covered him up with the comforter.

"You're not dreaming, little buddy, but I think that fever might be getting worse," I spoke lowly while I pressed my palm against his face. Pony was right. Soda was burning.

"Don't let him go," Soda mumbled as his eyes grew heavy, and started to close.

"Shhhh. Just get some rest," I urged. "After I get some food into him, I'll send him back in so you can hug the stuffing out of him all over again."

Soda smiled, turning his face into my palm and soon his light snoring told me he'd gone unconscious again. I stood up, bent over, and slowly brought the blanket up to cover his shoulders. I knew he'd be okay after a few more hours of sleep; that's how Soda rolled. There weren't many things in life that could hold him down, and now that Pony was with us I knew he'd be back to his happy-go-lucky self.


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

"Oh, my God!" I whispered as I looked at Pony’s thumb beneath my hand as it eased back and forth against the base of my palm.

Soda looked at me, his eyes puffy and red, not realizing what was happening. Suddenly the respirator that took each breath for our brother started alarming as did the heart monitor. Soda’s face mirrored my horror when the medical staff started rushing into the room.

"What’s happening?" I asked as both Soda and I were forced to move away from Ponyboy’s bedside.

"Eric!" Pony’s nurse was yelling, ignoring both Soda and I as we got shoved further and further away from our brother.

Soda backed himself against the far wall and slid down slowly; his arms circling around his knees. Eventually his head sank into his arms and his shoulders vibrated as even more staff crowded the room.

"Eric!"

"Rhonda, I’m right here, quit yelling," a young, darker man dressed in green hospital garb was at the breathing machine, checking the wires and tubing.

"He’s crashing!"

"WHAT’S HAPPENING?" I shouted out in the chaos, and felt someone from behind try to pull me away and out of the room.

My elbow thrust backwards making contact. I heard the agonized grunt from behind, but I didn’t bother to look back. No power on heaven or earth was going to take me away from that room at that moment. I pushed my way through the cluster of bodies and stopped when I reached the head of the bed. People were yelling at each other and over each other; words that made no sense to me.

"SOMEBODY ANSWER ME!" I screamed in desperation. "WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO MY BROTHER?"

"He’s coding!" Rhonda yelled out in a panicked voice.

"No, he’s not, just relax." Eric stated calmly and then looked me in the eye. "Everyone just take it easy."

"What’s going on?" Dr. Allain was suddenly beside Eric on the opposite side as me, watching the vitals monitor as it alarmed against the alarm of the respirator.

"It’s okay. He’s bypassing." Eric explained as he ran a thin clear tube in my brother’s mouth and down inside of his throat.

"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!" I roared.

"Easy, ugineli," Eric said softly as he pulled out the tube. He took my hand and gently placed it on Ponyboy’s forehead. "He’s fighting the vent. He needs to calm down while we get him sedated."

"I don’t know what that means!" I cried out, and Eric put a calming hand on my shoulder.

"Your brother’s trying to breathe on his own, but his body isn’t ready yet. He’s in pain. He’s trying to wake up."

I looked down and although his lids were closed, tears were escaping against the black and swollen slits that once were my brother’s eyes. I pressed my face against the side of his; my thumb gently rubbing the exposed site of his head not marred with bandages. The stubble of where he once sported a head full of hair bristled against my thumb. I had to somehow calm Ponyboy down so he wouldn’t hurt himself any further.

"Shhhh…" I whispered before I rubbed my face against the side of his. "It’s okay, baby, I’m right here. I’m not gonna let anything happen to you."

I realized as I made that promise, that I was too late to change what had already happened, but as the words choked out I knew that I’d do whatever it took to keep anything or anyone from hurting my little brother ever again. I knew it was time to put aside the tough guy exterior, and somehow find my inner Sodapop.

"It’s okay, sweet pea. I’m right here," I spoke softly into his ear before kissing it.

The alarm of the respirator ceased, and the sound of my brother’s heartbeat settled into a slower rhythm on the monitor. I kept my face pressed against Pony’s, repeatedly shushing him to soothe him to sleep and let him know I was still there. The room slowly started to empty; only Rhonda, Eric, and Dr. Allain remained.

"That’s it, usdi ayastigi," Eric said in a low voice and gently patted Ponyboy on the shoulder.

I looked at him curiously, wondering if he was spewing medical jargon, or speaking in tongues. I noticed the coppery red hue of Eric’s skin, and the black irises that matched the tone of his hair and wondered where on earth he came from.

"Your brother is one tough kid," Dr. Allain looked at me in disbelief, shaking his head before turning back to Rhonda. "Get me a set of vitals and an arterial gas."

Dr. Allain was listing out orders while Eric and I locked eyes.

"I read his chart; what that man did to him," Eric spoke in a low voice. "You know the real healing will start when you come to terms with what happened."

"What?" I asked, shocked that anyone else knew the truth I was trying to hide.

"Is your love strong enough?"

"Yes," I answered automatically and with intention.

Eric nodded and smiled softly. "Usdi ayastigi," he repeated as he looked down at Ponyboy.

"What is that?" I asked.

"It means ‘little warrior’. Your brother has a strong name. You must have Cherokee blood."

I scoffed and then smiled at him as I shook my head. "No, my folks were Irish."

Eric grinned, looked down at my brother, and gently placed his hand on Pony’s forehead. "Well, we can’t all be perfect."

I laughed with my new ally, and scanned the room and realized Sodapop was missing.

"You gave him a good check to the face. It got pretty crazy in here." Eric commented, reading my mind like some sort of prophet.

I looked sharply at him, and groaned. "Shit!"

"It’s okay, man. Go get your brother. Tell him his Little Warrior is okay."

"I…" I started to tell him that I didn’t want to leave Pony alone, but the prophet struck again.

"I’m here for awhile; gonna change out the circuit on his machine. I won’t leave your brother alone, ugineli. Swear on my mother."

"Who the hell are you?" I felt mesmerized by the presence of my new Cherokee friend.

"Someone who cares, Darrel. I’ve been watching you from the start; the way you are with your two brothers. Your Ponyboy has your strength; the other brother has your passion. Your path has been a struggle, I can tell, but you’ll get each other through this." He paused a moment. "You don’t need me to tell you that, do you?"

I shook my head, and Eric offered me a genuine smile.

"Didn’t think so. Go get him; Ponyboy is asleep now. I’ll be in here for a while."

I nodded as I held my hand out for Eric. He shook it firmly before I backed away from Pony and out of the room, not wanting to take my eyes off him. I turned around once I made it out into the hallway and searched around the corner for Soda.

He was no longer in the PICU, I knew that much as I searched the unit. I made my way out of the double doors and spotted him down the hall, sitting on the floor up against a wall. Sure enough, there was a wide gash to his bottom lip where my elbow made contact. The right side of his mouth was swollen and had already taken on a shade of purple, and he was cleaning up the blood with the tail of his button up shirt.

"You okay?" I crouched down in front of him slowly. Soda nodded but didn’t make eye contact.

"Let me see," I pleaded as I gently lifted his chin with my thumb and forefinger.

The gash was wide, but I knew from the previous bumps and bruises we all suffered, he wouldn’t need stitches. Soda’s tongue repeatedly rubbed against the gouge I was responsible for, but he still wouldn’t look at me. I felt like an asshole; striking yet another brother.

"I know you didn’t mean it, it was an accident." Sodapop once again read my thoughts.

"You okay, little buddy?"

Soda still avoided my gaze and kept silent. After a moment, his chin dropped down into his chest and he wept freely. I shuffled to his side and sat down on the floor beside him, lifting my arm and settling it around Soda’s shoulders. His head dropped against me, and I let him let it all out.

"Did he…is he…d…dead?" Soda could barely spit the words out that were haunting him at that moment.

"No, hon. He’s okay." I squeezed Soda closer to me. "He was trying to wake up; he was trying to come back to us, Pepsi. The doc says he just ain’t ready, but says he’s strong. I…I think he’s gonna pull through this."

"You do?" Soda looked at me hopeful, and for the first time, I wasn’t just saying it to make him feel better.

"Yeah, I really do." I nodded and let my head rest against Soda’s.

"I’m so scared, Darry. I’m so scared we’re gonna lose him. I don’t think I can deal with that." Soda cried, and I understood what he felt. Soda didn’t have to warn me; losing Ponyboy would be his undoing.

"Shhhh…don’t talk like that, Soda." I didn’t want to think about losing Soda on top of what we were already dealing with.

I think we sat there on the floor for a half hour or more in the middle of the night. It was surprisingly quiet in contrast to the bustle that usually happened during the day. Eventually Soda was able to get a hold of himself, and the tears subsided.

"You ready to go back?" I asked him quietly, fully prepared to spend another half hour or more on the floor with my brother, if that’s what it took.

Soda sniffed; his nose wet and running from the emotional rollercoaster we were both riding on. One more tear snuck its way down his cheek before he looked at me and nodded. I rubbed my hand through his messy hair and pushed myself off the floor, and turned to Soda and offered him a hand up.

Soda reached for me, and was at my side as I wrapped my arm around him and led him back inside the PICU. We slowly made our way around that now familiar corner, and through the glass door into the small room our brother occupied. Eric and Rhonda were still at the bedside talking, but I noticed Dr. Allain had left.

"Hey," Eric noticed us as we made our way closer to the bed. "He’s settled. Everything’s looking good."

Soda eyed him suspiciously as he grabbed for a chair and moved it right up against Pony’s bed, as it had been before. Eric nodded in acknowledgement before looking at me and giving a slight grin. I nodded back to him.

"You a doctor or something?" Soda asked bitterly as Eric adjusted the tubing of the respirator.

"No, I just fix the machines and make sure they’re doing what they’re supposed to."

"You’re not gonna pull the plug when we’re not lookin’, are ya?" Soda’s question was brutal and cold, and then I realized why he hadn’t tried to warm up to the medical staff.

"Not on the Little Warrior." Was all Eric said as he finished up and moved so that Soda could push his chair even closer to Pony.

Soda caught note of Eric’s endearment for our little brother, and his face relaxed as he watched Eric leave the room.

"Little Warrior, ‘eh? You got that right." Soda mumbled as he leaned over and gently grabbed Pony’s hand; holding it in both of his.

I grabbed another chair and made my way to the opposite side of the bed as Soda, taking my previous position before all the bells and whistles went off.

"He’s weird," Soda muttered.

"He’s wise," I corrected.

"He’s an Indian, Darry." Soda looked up at me irritated.

"You know better than that, Soda. Dad taught us to judge a man on his character, not his race. Besides, he’s one of the few people here that give two shits about our brother. As far as I’m concerned that’s all that matters. He could come from Mars for all I give a shit. He’s good with Pony."

Soda’s sour expression softened again, and he turned back and focussed his attention back on Ponyboy. Slowly he leaned down over the bed, and rested his head on his arms; never letting go of Pony’s hand.

"From Mars? Try Uranus," Soda softly giggled as his eyes closed.

"Go to sleep, idiot," I grinned, and gently covered Ponyboy’s other hand with my own.


	8. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

"Hey, Darry," I was starting to come to as I heard my name being called.

"Darry," Sodapop started rubbing the hand of mine that was clutched to Ponyboy's.

"Pony okay?" I asked without opening my eyes.

"Yeah, he's okay."

I yawned. "Are you okay?" I mumbled. It had been over a week now, and I was not quite ready to start another day full of sitting and waiting.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm okay, Darry. Wake up."

"What is it, Soda?" I slurred, still unable to open my eyes. Man, I was so fucking tired.

"The fuzz, Darry."

I opened my eyes slowly and furrowed my eyebrows at Soda who stood stone faced beside the chair he was once asleep in. I looked to the doorway past him and sure enough, two cops were chatting it up with the latest nurse on shift. They seemed to notice I was no longer asleep; nodded to the nurse and then proceeded in the room.

"Darrel Curtis?"

I rubbed my face tiredly before I got out of my chair. I noticed the surprised looks on both officers faces as I stood. I was well aware that my size and stature could be intimidating, especially when I wanted it to be. Sodapop wore the face of a tough, no-nonsense kid that was forced to grow up too soon. It was a stark contrast to his usual light-hearted self, but I was familiar with it. It was reserved for those not in our circle; not in our family.

We were nothing but hoods to the fuzz. It didn't matter what life threw at us; in their eyes, we'd never amount to anything. It was hard to put your faith in a system that did nothing but try to bring you down. It happened the night Dally was shot down in the streets. It happened when they hauled my brother off to a foster home that just short of killed him.

"My name is Detective Davis. This here is Detective Backus."

Two middle aged men held out their hand for me to shake. I wasn't taking the bait. Detective Davis nervously wiped his hand on the front of his trousers when he realized their presence wasn't welcome. The other man, Detective Backus clutched a manila envelope, and looked away. I did nothing to respond to their greeting except shoot them an icy stare.

"Mr. Curtis, we're here to talk to you about your brother. We were hoping you could accompany us to the station to talk."

"Why does he have to go to the station?" Soda shot out accusingly. "Gonna pin this on him? Y'know you guys are something else…"

"Soda, cut it out." I warned. Wounds hadn't healed between what was left of us and the police, but I didn't need my brother making things worse by getting himself into trouble.

"Is this about the State? I don't care if he's in their custody. This is our brother; our blood. You aren't making us leave." I spoke calmly.

"Mr. Curtis, we're here about what happened to your brother while he was in foster care. This isn't really something we should be discussing here."

"Well, I ain't leaving my brother." I stood my ground and the two officers both shuffled uncomfortably on their feet.

"Mr. Curtis, we retrieved some items from the foster home your brother was at. We'd like to discuss this with you. It's important."

"Why can't you do it here?" Soda demanded indignantly. "Why do you gotta haul him off like a criminal to ask him questions?"

"Look," I could tell Backus was getting irritated with Soda. "There's some things we need to talk about in private."

"Yeah, right." Soda sneered, and Backus sighed in frustration.

"It's a delicate situation," Davis was careful with his words. "Probably not appropriate for this kind of setting."

My heart gave a thud and felt like it was trying to push its way through my chest. I looked at both officers, and I knew what it was about. It was serious.

"Soda, why don't you go get some breakfast? Call Steve; see if he's working." My eyes never left Davis'.

"Darry, I ain't leaving you with them." Soda looked at me like I was crazy.

"It's okay, Soda. It's okay. I need you to leave, little buddy."

"Darry, what the hell is going on?" Soda looked at me, and then both officers.

"You need to go, Soda." I urged.

Soda gave me a look partly born of confusion, and partly born of hurt, before he slowly turned away and headed out the door of Pony's room. Both officers were looking towards the floor and I made my way to the sliding glass door. His nurse was just outside, watching us intently. I looked down at her ID tag.

"Susan, I need you to make sure my brother doesn't come in until these officers' leave."

"What's going on, Darrel?"

"We just need some privacy. Half hour, maybe?"

"I can't leave the room, Darrel. Your brother…"

"I'm not asking you to leave. Maybe we could just shut the door. You can keep an eye on him through the glass while you're out here. Keep my brother away."

"Okay, Darrel," Susan agreed reluctantly before she looked at me concerned. "I'll do whatever I can."

I nodded my appreciation as I slowly slid the glass door closed, and cautiously made my way back to the cops that were standing patiently at my brother's bedside. I walked around the foot of Pony's bed and slowly sat back in my chair, taking his hand in mine.

"How is your brother doing?" Detective Davis asked as he sat down in Soda's empty chair. The other officer, Backus retrieved one of the empty chairs close to the door.

"Open your eyes and take a look." I motioned at my brother angrily. "How the hell do you think?"

"Mr. Curtis," Davis started. "Can I call you Darrel?"

"Call me whatever you want, man. I don't care." I resigned as I focussed on Ponyboy's hand.

"Darrel, we know you're going through a rough time right now. Did you know the man your brother was granted custody to? A Martin James Campbell?"

Backus opened the envelope and pulled out a picture. I studied it well before shaking my head.

"Your brother ever talk about him?"

I shook my head.

"Darrel, we entered the property of Mr. Campbell to question him about your brother. He wasn't there."

"Big surprise. Did you expect him to wait around for you to arrest him?" I sneered.

Backus ignored my indignation. "We understand you and a Lydia Richards were the ones to find your brother, a Ponyboy Michael Curtis. Is, that right?"

The memory of that day jarred me, and I felt my heart beat faster. I nodded again.

"Darrel, what brought that on? Why were you accompanying your brother's social worker to his foster home?"

"I was granted every second weekend with him. His foster…Mr. Campbell wasn't honoring that agreement. Kept saying Pony wasn't feeling well; he was too sick to leave the home. Kept making excuses. I asked Mrs. Richards to follow up on it. She let me accompany her." I lied. In truth Mrs. Richards didn't have a choice but to bring me with her.

"And that's when you found your brother?"

I could feel my throat swell and my eyes start to burn as my memory went back to that day. I didn't know if I could go back to that place and keep my composure. I wasn't sure if that's what they were fishing for. I took a deep breath and let my head fall back and I tried to focus on the patterns in the ceiling tile.

"We found assorted paraphernalia," Davis' voice took on a softer tone as he motioned to his partner who started digging into the large envelope.

I slowly looked down as Backus laid a series of photographs out on Pony's bed and over his lifeless legs. They were all of Ponyboy, in various stages of undress. In most, there was also the monster that was supposed to take care of him. He was also unclothed and with my brother. Hands on skin. Body parts. Touching my brother and making him do things as well. I could feel the bile rise in my throat as one photo after another burned itself into my brain, and I couldn't hold it in anymore.

Detective Davis hurriedly grabbed the waste basket that was at the side of my brother's hospital bed and shoved it at me as I heaved uncontrollably. I stupidly and inwardly cursed myself for not eating anything in the past week. The heaving was painful, leaving my eyes to water as nothing could be expelled but spit and a bit of bile that burned my throat.

"Get those outta my face!" I begged when I could finally catch my breath and stop retching.

Backus hesitantly gathered up the photographs, shoving them back into his envelope. "Darrel, did you know what was happening to your brother?" His tone was accusatory.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Darrel, do you know where Martin Campbell is? Did you go after him yourself?"

I stood up abruptly, letting my chair and the trash bin fall behind me. Both officers eased themselves out of their chairs and slowly backed away from me.

"Darrel?" Davis urged.

"That motherfucker raped and almost killed my brother, and you're here asking me if I worked him over? Made him disappear?" I couldn't believe it. They weren't here for my brother. They were here thinking something bad happened to the bastard that tried to kill him.

"We know you've been associated with some unsavory characters," Backus implied. "A Dallas Winston for starters. Timothy Shepard, his brother Curly and their gang?"

I snapped. "I HAVEN'T LEFT THIS GODDAMNED ROOM IN NINE DAYS! Jesus Christ!" My hands flew into my hair.

"We're sorry, Mr. Curtis…" Davis started, but I cut him off.

"Sorry? That piece of shit is still out there walking and you have the balls to come in here and question me? What the fuck is wrong with you guys?" I choked; only a few moments away from losing it.

I looked past them to the window and saw Soda looking in as our nurse Susan was talking to him.

"Unless you've found that bastard and arrested him, we're done here. Get the fuck out."

The two detectives said nothing as they slowly made their way out of the room. Soda eyed them as they brushed past him, and then slowly looked back at me. I knew by the look on his face, he knew something was off but I just didn't know how I was going to have that conversation with him. How would he react knowing Ponyboy was treated like an animal in the worst possible way?

"You gonna tell me what's goin' on, Darry?" Sodapop stormed into the room once the police were out of eyesight.

"There's nothing to…" I started, but it was too late to protect him.

"Don't bullshit me, Darry! Not you!" Soda's voice boomed, making Susan enter the room cautiously.

"Gentlemen, I think you need to be taking whatever this is outside."

"I need air," I headed for the way out, but Soda grabbed onto my arm.

"Darry, I ain't done."

"I know Sodapop. Later." My hands started to shake. "We'll talk when I get back. I just need some air."

Sodapop slowly released my arm and I made my way out of the room and around that corner, heading straight for the double doors. Outside of the PICU, I found the men's room and made my way inside. Over the past nine days this bathroom had become a church of sorts; the walls listening to my countless prayers that my brother would make it through this horror intact.

I approached the mirror and I didn't even recognize the face that looked back at me. I hadn't eaten, washed up, shaved, or had a decent sleep for more than an hour in over a week. I noted the dark circles under my eyes and thought of Ponyboy. The last couple of months of slowly watching him waste away and not knowing what was going on until it was too late. Then I thought of the way he used to be. Ponyboy with his head either in a book, or at the table drawing pictures. My dreamy, innocent brother who loved to watch the sunset, and who adored his older brother Sodapop.

My thoughts wandered into dark territory. Visions of a child's skin covered in blood and waste and semen; the smell of death and sex and despair entered my senses. Violence and cruelty beyond comprehension. Vicious acts destroying everything innocent that was left in my baby brother. What would he have left to daydream about now? Everything he had left had been stolen in two short months.

I didn't feel the pain and didn't hear the sound of the mirror breaking as my right fist made contact with it. It took two blows for the glass to splinter; pieces shattered and falling to the ground like the pieces of my heart. There was nothing I could do. I couldn't turn back time and change what happened. I couldn't go back and protect Ponyboy from the same demons I knew he'd be fighting for the rest of his life.

The blood was flowing from my hand as I aimlessly wandered out of the men's room. There may have been staring, or gawking. There may have been a few people ask if I needed help, but it was too late. It didn't matter. With all the life drained from me, I found dad's old truck in the parking lot of the hospital. I felt detached from the pain as I rummaged through my pocket to find the keys, slowly slid in and started the ignition. I stared at the stranger before me in the rear-view mirror before I peeled the truck out of the parking lot and headed for nowhere.


	9. Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

I drove.

I drove and wasn't aware of anything until the throbbing pain to my hand started to annoy me and I found myself half way to Owasso and I had no idea I was even on the highway. I drove for another five miles before coming to a turnaround, kicked up the dirt as I pulled a U-turn and headed back.

I was on auto-pilot; my brain shutting down from sheer exhaustion; my soul agonized with the truth I knew. I gave a start as I geared the truck into park, realizing I'd stopped in front of the house and I didn't know how in the hell I'd gotten there. I eased my way out of the truck and shuffled like a zombie up the walk, barely making it up the steps to the porch.

I didn't even remember the condition we'd left the house in more than a week ago. I pushed open the door and it never looked so empty. It never sounded so quiet. I dragged my feet through the living room and noticed the neatly folded covers on the couch and figured either Steve or Two-Bit, or maybe even the both of them had moved in.

My hunch was confirmed as I wandered into the kitchen and noticed the clean dishes drying in the sink. I spun around and noticed the mail was in a tidy pile along with a week worth of newspapers. I turned back to the sink and grabbed one of the drying glasses before turning on the tap and filling it. After a drink of water, I slowly placed the glass on the counter as my hand gave another throb of pain, and I headed to the bathroom to tend to it.

I turned the water on in the bathroom sink to warm before running my hand and arm through. With all the old blood gone, I could get a better look at the damage. I ignored my reflection as I opened the medicine chest and hauled out the first aid kit. There were a few small shards of glass imbedded in my hand, and my hand began to bleed freely as I removed them. The best I could do at the moment, was place gauze on the open areas, and wrap my hand firmly in bandage.

I headed for my room with the intention of changing into some clean clothes and going back to the hospital to face Soda, but I found myself in the boys' bedroom instead. The clothes that were usually strewn across every inch of the floor were neatly folded and placed on the desk and chair. Part of me was so thankful to have our buddies help out like that, but it also felt eerie to have Pony and Sodas' things put away like they didn't live there anymore.

I walked around the room, inspecting every inch and holding every item's meaning close to me. A stack of hot rod magazines Soda and Steve would pass back and forth, an empty sketch pad Pony had asked me to pick up for him. I looked on the walls where various pictures he had drawn were tacked on. Horses, cowboys, and one of Dally.

"I don't know what to do," I said out loud.

I didn't know if I was talking to myself, or if I was talking to God, Jesus, Mom, Dad. Maybe I was talking to Dally or Johnny; I didn't know anything anymore.

"Please tell me what to do. I don't know what to do."

I sat down on the bed and eyed a pillow. I was so fucking tired. I grabbed the pillow only meaning to toss it back, when I caught the familiar smell of Ponyboy's hair. I brought the pillow closer, practically burying my face into it while I inhaled the smell of my brother. The smell of my brother before he was broken.

"I don't know what to do."

It was my truth, and I cried as I clutched Pony's pillow like a lifeline that would keep him with me. I cried for all the mistakes I'd made with him. I cried for the times I was just too busy and too tired to try to understand him. I cried for the boy he was and all the times I gave him grief for it; wanting him to change. I cried for the boy I couldn't protect. I cried for the boy he'd never be again. I cried for the boy I missed so much and wanted back. I laid down on their bed and I cried.

I cried.

A gust of wind shook the house and I opened my eyes to find myself laying on my brothers' bed in the dark. Time had passed and I had no idea how long I'd been asleep. I eased my way off the bed, inhaling the smell of Ponyboy one more time, and headed for the bathroom to wash the last weeks' worth of misery away and try to focus on what to do next.

I let the hot water pour down on me, hoping that it would some how symbolically wash the last week away with it down the drain. For as miserable as I felt, I wasn't low enough to not realize how good it felt under the hot spray. The shower was a long one, until I noticed the hot water give out and cool. I lathered up quickly, not even bothering to shave, and hurriedly dried off after I shut the taps off. The bandages on my hand were soaked, so I re-dressed them and then headed for my bedroom to get into a new change of clothes.

I headed for the kitchen and grabbed a paper bag from under the sink and the went back into Soda and Pony's room and rifled through the neat piles of laundry. I grabbed some clean clothes for Sodapop, and tucked them away in the bag, then headed for the bathroom to grab toothbrushes, toothpaste, and other assorted personal items.

The clock read a quarter past seven when the phone rang and I knew it was Sodapop. I started wondering if that ESP thing worked both ways for us.

"Yeah," I answered. No time for pleasantries when you know you're going to get an earful.

"Where the hell you been, Darry? Do you know what time it is?"

I couldn't help the way my eyebrows shot up at that moment, or the way my eyes almost rolled back into my head.

"Yeah, its late. Sorry, mom." I answered dryly and thought I could hear a soft chuckle come out of Soda.

"You missed your friend, Darry. He was doin' some wild voodoo dance and burned grass in here. Thought he was gonna set the hospital on fire. Then he grabbed Ponyboy's stuffed horse and rode it the hell on outta here."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I swear talking to Sodapop was like talking to Two-Bit Mathews sometimes.

"The _Indian_!" Soda sounded exasperated. I never really took Soda for being a racist before. He was always known to be extremely accepting of everyone no matter what their colour.

"Soda?"

"Yeah?"

"You're being an asshole."

"I know. I'm sorry, Darry I'm just freaked out a bit. The guy's pretty cool." And just like that, my brother returned.

"Thank you."

"You're okay? Did you sleep?"

"It may have been more like a coma, but yeah. I got some rest. Grabbing a few things; anything in particular you want?"

"Can you bring my bed?"

"Soda, come home." I urged. "I'm half way out of here and we can switch off. Get Steve to bring you."

I realized I had another little brother to worry about. For all my worrying and stressing out and carrying on, I'd let myself forget that Sodapop was in this too and had gotten about as much sleep as I had.

"I'm not leaving him, Darry. Besides, we need to talk."

I took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. I nodded.

"Darry, you still there?"

I didn't realize I hadn't said a word. "Yeah, I'm here. I just…" my hands started shaking.

"Darry, come back." Soda's voice was pleading, and yet somehow still calm. "Pony needs you here. I do too."

"I'm so sorry, little buddy. I didn't mean to leave you there by yourself. I'm sorry." I felt all of the emotions coming back while my voice started to shake along with my hands.

"Darry, it's okay. Steve and Two-Bit have been here. Just come back, okay? You're scaring me."

"Don't worry about me. I'm fine."

"No, you ain't and I _am_ worried, Darry. I dunno. I've never seen you like this, not even when mom and dad died. You really scared me today. I wanna know what's going on."

With that, I realized that I did owe Sodapop an explanation. I still wasn't convinced that I should tell him the whole story, but it wasn't right to keep him in the dark either. Ponyboy was everything to him.

"Okay then. I'm on my way."

I hung up the phone, grabbed the bag full of clothes and headed out for the truck. The rain was still coming down pretty hard and my mind started wandering as the windshield wipers swept back and forth. I pictured every scenario I could think of, of how this conversation with Soda was going to happen. I didn't know exactly what I was going to say, or how I was going to go about saying it, but none of the reactions I imagined in my head were good ones.

The thing about Soda is that when something bad happens, it hits him hard. He spends the majority of his time calming everyone else down and smoothing out the edges. I wondered sometimes if he ever had anything left for himself. I knew that what happened to Ponyboy was going to kill him. What I didn't know was how that was going to look. Anger? Rage? Despair? Confusion? All of the above? Would he be like me and blame himself? After all the times he told me something was off, and I told him he was reading too much into things, would he blame me? I didn't know, and that's what made my hands shake and knees feel like jello when I made it to the elevator and arrived on the third floor of the hospital.

The all too familiar walk felt a lot longer this time, and as I turned the corner and made my way into Pony's room, Soda was right there to meet me in a flash. He didn't say anything, but gave me a pointed look, making sure that I was okay. There was an unspoken communication happening. I bit my bottom lip, nodding and then put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. He nodded back to me and looked down at the bag that I was holding.

"There's some clean clothes and stuff so you can wash up. You're pretty ripe, little man. Your clothes will probably stand up on their own." I tried to grin.

Sodapop nodded. "Yeah okay, Darry. I'll be right back."

"Hey, kid," Two-Bit was sitting on the edge of Pony's bed with what looked to be a comic book. "Your big brother's back. Told ya he'd be back," he said cheerfully before giving Pony's leg a pat.

"Hey, Two-Bit," I said as I slowly approached the bed. I walked around to the side opposite the cluttering of machines, where Two-Bit was sitting.

"Whatcha got there?" I asked as I leaned over and brushed my lips softly against Pony's forehead. My hand followed, and settled there while my thumb rubbed him gently between his eyebrows. The swelling around his eyes had lessened even though the bruising hadn't. He was still unresponsive.

"Well, I know how much he likes to read. Unfortunately, I hate it so I swiped ol' Spiderman from the gift shop downstairs. Thought I'd read to him, but I'm pretty sure there's something lost in the translation."

I smiled at Two-Bit, thankful for his light-hearted spirit even through tough times. He was a loyal friend who I knew would take a bullet for either one of my brothers. I also knew he'd kill for any one of us. That was his serious side. His playful side included sitting at my brother's bedside and reading comic books all day.

"How's Papa Bear? You look like you got some sleep."

I grinned at the 'Papa Bear' comment. "Yeah, I managed to clean myself up a bit; sleep for a bit. Thanks for being here. Where the hell is Steve?" I looked around and realized it was just Two-Bit.

"Evie," was all he said, and I nodded. That was the one thing I did not have time or patience for. Girls.

"Well, that's it for me, Ponyboy. We'll check out Superman tomorrow if I can get him past the old broad at the cash register." Two-Bit slid off the side of the bed and tossed the comic on the empty chair. I watched as he tucked the stuffed horse I'd bought, closer to Pony's side before walking away.

"You been staying at the house?" I asked out of curiosity as Two-Bit made his way to the sliding doors.

"Yeah, me and Steve are taking turns; trying to help out a bit."

"Thanks, Keith," I said seriously. Two-Bit cocked his eyebrow before nodding. I wasn't sure he liked being called his given name since it happened so infrequently. He nodded at me and then smiled.

"You bet! See ya tomorrow, Darry."

I watched until Two-Bit was out of view, and then turned my attention back to Ponyboy. It was a game of patience; hurrying up just to wait and see how he was going to pull out of this thing. Even though I prayed he'd come out of this with minimal scarring, it was hard to imagine that happening when looking at him now.

"Darry?" I looked up and found Sodapop staring. He was washed up, freshly shaved and towelling off a wet head of hair wearing a set of fresh and clean clothes. Despite his groomed appearance, he still looked exhausted and underfed despite my practically force feeding him throughout the week.

"Feel any better?" I asked simply.

Soda shrugged his shoulders with a frown, rubbing the towel over his head before tossing it over his shoulder. He slowly pulled out the chair he'd been living in the past while, and sat down slowly while never taking his eyes off me.

"You keeping the beard? Makes you look old y'know?" Soda commented dryly. I didn't even think about it. I just shrugged, remaining silent.

"Gonna freak Ponyboy out when he wakes up and sees you," he tried again. I only nodded, knowing Soda was working his way up to the conversation he actually wanted to have, and the one I'd been avoiding since this whole nightmare had started.

"You gonna talk to me, Darry? Tell me what the hell is going on?"

I sighed as I nodded, slowly grabbed my assigned chair and sat down, resting my elbows on Pony's bed while I tiredly rubbed my face. I didn't know how to say what I needed to say; I couldn't even make eye contact. Soda, in his usual manner, sensed my discomfort and gently grabbed for my hand and held it in both of his.

"Darry, talk to me," he urged, and I finally looked at him in the eye.

"I lied to you, Soda."

"What do you mean, Darry? What are you talking about?" Soda looked at me confused; his eyebrows furrowed.

"There was no accident, Soda. The hospital didn't call me to let me know Pony was here. I'm the one that found him."

Soda's eyes hardened and he let go of my hand and leaned back in his chair. "Not an accident? Where'd you find him, Darry? What the fuck is going on?"


	10. Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

"Where you think you're goin'?" I looked up from the newspaper and watched Soda sleepily yell at his little brother who tried to quietly sneak past without Soda noticing.

"Nowhere, Soda. Just gonna go outside for a smoke."

"Get your ass over here. I'm tired."

I shook my head and went back to my paper as Sodapop slapped the seat of the couch, motioning for Ponyboy to sit down. Pony let out a dramatic and drawn out sigh; pretending to be irritated with his demanding big brother, but he'd never been irritated with Sodapop in his whole life.

Soda pushed himself part way up while he grabbed Pony by the wrist and hauled him down onto the couch. Once he had Pony seated, he grabbed the pillow, fluffed it up on Pony's lap, and laid his head back down. Pony wore a sideways grin as he looked down at his brother, then gave up and leaned his head back against the couch.

"This is stupid," Pony griped, and I looked up at the both of them.

"Shhhh…I'm trying to sleep." Soda mumbled as he rolled over on his back and looked up at Ponyboy.

"Soda? You gonna sleep all day? Can't we go for a drive or something?"

"Hmmm…" Soda thought about it for a brief moment. "You wanna go for a ride?"

Pony shrugged, "I dunno. It's Saturday; nothin' else to do. You feeling better now?" He asked as he rested his hand on his brother's forehead.

"What about your homework?" I suggested. Ponyboy was still trying to catch up on the school work he'd missed since he got sick after Johnny and Dallas passed away.

"I didn't bring it."

"Uh oh, here we go." Soda groaned as he lifted his head off Pony's lap, and turned to sit up straight on the couch.

"What do you mean, you didn't bring it?" My paper was down in a flash as I leaned forward and glared at my little brother. He couldn't afford to fall even further behind in school and he knew that.

"I didn't have time, Darry. Mrs. Richards came for me; I didn't even know I could come home."

"Pony…" I started, but then Sodapop cut in.

"Pony, make sure you bring your schoolwork home with you next time, 'kay?" Soda made sure to give me a meaningful look before continuing. "We gotta make sure you catch up, you missed so much school already, right Darry?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't think about it. I was just excited to finally come home. I'll bring it next time, I swear. I'm sorry." Pony mumbled to his chest.

"We know, Pony. See, Darry? He's sorry." Sodapop started, but I'd already had enough.

"Great, Sodapop; all better now. He's gonna fail the year and all the hard work he's done will go down the toilet, but hey…he's sorry."

Pony stood up abruptly, and left for his bedroom, and our usual cycle continued. It got awful old being the bad guy all the time when all I was trying to do was help Ponyboy set up a future for himself. He was better than all of us; I knew how smart my youngest brother was. His grades made mine look average. He was put up a year in school because it wasn't challenging enough for his brain. I knew that he could be whatever he wanted to be, but he just didn't get it. He didn't have the foresight to realize he wouldn't be happy until he ditched this one-horse town, and made something of himself. I'd do whatever it took to get him there.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Darry?" Sodapop was mad, as he often was when Pony and I would get into it. Soda got to be the cool brother that was worshipped, while I was the hardass that laid down the law.

"Go get your brother," I muttered bitterly. "That's what you're good at."

* * *

"Darry, something's wrong with Ponyboy." Sodapop ambushed me at the door as I was tying up my work boots.

"What's wrong now?"

The last two weekends we had with Ponyboy, Soda had insisted that something was off about him, but I didn't want to get into it because there was nothing I could do. Six weeks, and I'd had numerous meetings downtown at the Social Services office, countless phone calls back and forth with Mrs. Richards, and they all amounted to the same thing: let's wait and see.

"Two-Bit says he ain't seen him around school. Steve too, caught him at school the other day and offered to give him a lift but Pony didn't want one."

"That is kind of weird," I paused what I was doing and looked up at Sodapop. Pony would never miss an opportunity to be with his friends. They were as good as family to him; to us.

We'd taken a lot of comfort knowing Pony wasn't hauled out of his regular school on account of being in a foster home. Everyone laughed when Soda was half ready to quit his job at the DX station and enroll back in school full time just so he could be close to our brother. It took me a few days to talk him out of it; I knew it would just get us in deeper with the State, and make it harder to get Ponyboy back home full time where he belonged.

"I'm tellin' ya, Darry. Somethin' ain't right." Soda's eyes were pleading as he raked his fingers through his hair.

"This has been hard for him, Soda. He's still missing Johnny and Dally and then he gets pulled out of his home. Give it time…"

"No, you're not listening to me. He ain't right, I'm telling you." Soda pleaded with me.

"Not right how? Look, I know he's not happy. I see him moping around the house when he's here. If you want, I'll talk to him, but I thought you'd rather me back off instead of getting' on his case."

"That ain't it, Darry. He's pulling away and I don't like it." I was concerned with how worked up Soda had himself.

"Okay, okay. Let's talk with him tonight when I get off work. You're gonna be here today, right?"

"Yeah, I got Steve to cover me for the weekend so I could spend more time with Pony."

"Good. That's good." I looked at Soda as I stood up and grabbed my tool belt from the coat hook. "Listen, Soda. We'll find out what's going on. He tells you everything, doesn't he?"

Soda frowned sadly at me as he shrugged his shoulders. "He used to."

"Look, I'll be home around four thirty. We'll figure it out, don't worry. I'll press harder on Richards and see what comes out of it."

"Thanks, Darry," Soda looked at me sincerely and touched my arm. I nodded at him and then headed out for the truck for another Saturday of work.

I was thankful it was a short day. The wind was kicking up making it difficult to stay balanced on the gables while trying to nail down shingles. If that weren't challenging enough, I couldn't keep my mind on my work; my mind wandering off to what Sodapop was trying to tell me. Our kid brother was sinking, and we had to find a way to keep him afloat.

It was quiet except for the TV when I walked through the front door. It was hard getting used to a quiet house; it never had been that way before. It started when Johnny and Dallas died, and then progressively worsened when Ponyboy was taken away. We'd all grown quiet, even Two-Bit when he was over, seemed to talk quieter and laugh less.

I kicked off my work boots and left my tool belt on the floor beside them as I headed through the living room to deposit my lunch kit in the kitchen. I noticed my brothers silent on the couch; Ponyboy sound asleep on one end while Sodapop stared blankly at the television set on the opposite end. They weren't touching, and I knew something was off. They were normally joined at the hip.

"What's going on?" I asked curiously, and Soda just looked at me and shook his head.

"You wanna do this now, or after supper?" I asked and Soda just shrugged.

"Soda, you gotta help me out here, little buddy. You know I'm not good at this shit." I pleaded with him.

"I know, Darry. I'm sorry, I'm just worried. Barely said two words to me when he got here. Just laid out on the couch and passed out. Can you just promise me you won't freak out on him? Please?"

"I'll try. Did he bring his homework?"

Soda glared at me and I lifted my hands up in surrender.

"Just asking." I said pointedly. Soda didn't answer, just shook his head at me while he turned his attention back to the TV.

"Okay, I'll start on supper," I slowly turned to the kitchen, placed my lunch box on the counter, and went to the sink to wash my hands before cooking.

I worked on supper for about an hour and a half before it was cooked. A couple of baked chickens, potatoes and corn; the boys and my favorite. I set the table for the three of us before poking my head into the living room and checking on my brothers.

"You hungry? Supper's ready." I nodded at Sodapop who then shuffled over on the couch and started shaking Pony's leg.

"C'mon, Pony. Get up, supper's ready."

I waited until Pony sat up and rubbed his eyes before turning back into the kitchen to get the food dished out. Both of my brothers wandered in like a couple of sad sacks, and I didn't know whether to tease them about it, or worry. Somehow, we had to get back to where we were.

Dinner was quiet, and although I couldn't get enough food into me fast enough, I noticed Ponyboy picking at his plate, rearranging his food. He hadn't eaten a bite. I stopped eating and took a good look at him. His eyes were dark and sunken in, his skin was pale and sallow and he looked like he'd dropped more than ten pounds since the State had taken him away from us.

"You haven't touched your food," I motioned to Pony's plate.

Pony startled before shaking his head. "I'm not hungry," was all he mumbled before dropping his fork onto his plate.

I looked over at Sodapop, sitting to my right, and he looked at me, and I figured it was time for the family meeting.

"What's going on, Pony?" I tried to sound as gentle as I could, but I could still see my question was upsetting my little brother.

"Nothing, I'm just tired." He mumbled.

"Seems like a lot more than just being tired, Pony." I urged, but he just shook his head and looked down at his lap.

"Pony," Soda tried, but things were as Soda had said. I could feel Pony pull away.

"Can I be excused?" Pony asked quietly, not making eye contact with either Sodapop or myself.

"No, Ponyboy. I don't think that's a good idea. I think the three of us need to have a talk. You gotta tell us what's goin' on in that head of yours." I urged.

"I said, nothing," Pony mumbled again, and I sighed in frustration. I knew he'd never open up to me. I looked over at Soda, and I could tell how worried he was.

"Pony, please. You know you can tell us anything. If something's wrong…" Soda started, but Pony cut him off.

"Please, can I go now?" Pony was in tears now, and I felt my heart tug as I covered my mouth and just stared at him. I didn't know what to do.

"Honey," Soda got up from the table and made his way to Pony; kneeling down beside him. "Talk to us, Pony. Please tell us what's wrong. We won't get mad."

"Everything's so messed up!" He finally burst into tears. "I just wanna come home!" And with that finally out, my two brothers clung to each other and cried.

I wanted to hold my brother. I wanted to let him know that I was as lost without him as he was without us, but I didn't move. My mind raced; circling around and around thinking of ways I could get my brother back, but I knew it wouldn't do any good. This was beyond my control, and for once in my life I couldn't be Superman and make everything right again.

"Shhhh, don't cry, Pony. It's gonna be okay. We're gonna get you back here. You know that, right?" Soda cupped Pony's face in his hands as he calmed him down.

Ponyboy looked over at me for the reassurance he needed, and I didn't know what to say to him. I grinned at him, reaching over to mess up his hair. It seemed to be enough; he nodded and smiled at me before turning back to Sodapop to hug him again.

The evening turned into night and it was as quiet as when I'd gotten home. Ponyboy wandered off into the bedroom to finish a couple of assignments for school before crawling into bed for the night. Soda kept close to him, giving me the odd update as he'd come around for a glass of chocolate milk for either him or Pony.

It was around ten when I decided to pack it in and head for bed myself. I turned the lights off in the kitchen, turned the television and lights off in the living room and made my way towards my room. I noticed the light off in the boy's room and hoped we'd made some progress with Ponyboy. I hoped somehow, he'd be able to tough out the next while until I could get him back.

I shucked my clothes off unceremoniously and crawled under the covers of my unmade bed. My mind kept racing, but surprisingly it wasn't hard to fall asleep; hard work in the fresh air always seemed to help me with that.

I didn't know what time it was, but I knew it was late when I felt the trembling beside me that broke me out of my sleep. I looked over to my side, and saw Ponyboy in the moonlight. He had his back to me, fully clothed in his pullover and jeans and shaking like a leaf beside me. I didn't think I was awake at first. There was no reason for my youngest brother to be in my room; he'd never been before, at least not like this.

"Pony?" I whispered as I rolled towards him and let my hand cover his shoulder. He didn't respond, just continued to shiver on top of the covers of my bed.

I scooted closer to my baby brother, shoving my arm underneath him so that I could force him to turn over. He looked to be sleeping; not opening his eyes or saying anything when I moved him closer to me. I think that may have been the moment that I realized this was more than being homesick. Something was going on and my brother couldn't tell us what.

His head rested on my shoulder and his arm went around me. I could feel the flutter of his eyelashes on my arm, and knew he was awake.

"You have a nightmare?" I tried, but Pony didn't say a word.

"What's goin' on, baby?" I tried one more time for my own sanity; praying there was something in the dead of night that would help him open his heart to me.

Pony kept his silence, but the trembling started up again as he brought his knees up. He pressed his face into my shoulder while he shivered away.

"Pony, get under the covers," I didn't know if he was cold or scared, but it seemed important at the time.

Pony slowly sat up and grabbed at the covers of my bed, shoving his feet and legs down first before wiggling himself back into position. His head found its' spot on my shoulder as he rolled towards me and wrapped an arm around my chest. I lay there awake all night as my arms wrapped around him keeping him as safe as I could, at least for one night.


	11. Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

"What do you mean he ain't coming? You said we had him every second weekend. Now every time our weekend comes up, there's some excuse why he can't come home. What the hell is going on?"

"Darrel, I understand your frustration…"

"Don't tell me you understand! Don't try to placate me! I want my brother home, and I want him home now!"

I'd finally reached my limit with the State and Mrs. Richards as the go-between. It made no sense to me; if it was okay for Pony to come home for two weekends out of the month, why wasn't it okay for him to come back home every weekend? Or every day for good? And now for good measure, Pony had been too " _sick"_ to come home for his regular visits. This was my second phone call from Mrs. Richards, telling me he wasn't well enough to come home.

"Darrel, I've spoken to Mr. Campbell and he assured me Pony was just too ill to leave. He's being looked after, I really wish you'd stop worrying."

"WHAT AM I?" I yelled so loud, Soda about jumped from the couch. "Am I some dummy that fell out of the idiot tree? What, you guys think I'm not capable of taking care of my brother if he's sick? I've been looking after him a hell of a lot longer than this Mr. Campbell guy. I'm looking after another brother now. I'm not getting jacked out of our time with him. I want him here NOW!"

"Darrel, I'm sorry but that's not going to happen. If you want, I'll reschedule another visit for next weekend if it works for Mr. Campbell."

"If it works for _Mr. Campbell_?" I was incredulous. It was one run around after another leaving me with no power or say over the future of my brother. "What about if it works for _Ponyboy_? I thought it was _his_ welfare we were concerned about. I know what's best for my brother, and that's to come home!"

"Darrel…"

"I swear to God, lady, if you 'Darrel' me one more time, I'm ripping this phone outta the wall and throwing it out the window. I want to talk to my brother."

"I can't disclose any personal information like a phone number. You know that."

"I swear I'm going to make it my mission in life to make _your_ life as miserable as I can if I don't hear from my brother. He knows the number, MAKE IT HAPPEN!" I slammed the phone down on the receiver and covered my face in my hands while I tried to get a hold of myself.

I couldn't get the last visit we'd had with Ponyboy out of my head. I'd tried to convince myself that Soda's worries were just the ramblings of an overprotective older brother who missed his little buddy. I tried to convince myself that the arrangement we had was gold; we were able to be with him two weekends out of the month and still be a part of his life until he could come home. But the more the weeks dragged out, the more it seemed the State had forgotten about us. Nobody wanted to look into things; they'd washed their hands of us and didn't want to make the effort to reassess our situation.

The last night Pony was home he'd made another late-night visit to my room. Like the night previous, he was in his clothes trembling, this time he'd made his way under the covers. He wouldn't say a word to me; he just let me pull him in and hold him until he'd stopped shaking enough to fall asleep.

"Darry?" Soda's gentle urging brought my mind back into the present.

"Same goddam fucking Social Services bullshit!" I muttered as I pushed passed him and made my way for the front porch.

I swung the door wide and the sound of it hitting the wall behind aggravated my already raw nerves. I bound my way outside and swung around, letting my fist make contact with the old wood panelling, cracking the paint. I rested my head against the house, trying to get my bearings back again, but the feeling like I'd made the biggest mistake of my life by letting Ponyboy go back to his assigned foster home was eating away at me.

"What are you gonna do, Darry?"

Soda's soft voice behind me was a reminder that I'd failed. I'd failed, and my back was up against the wall, and not only did I _think_ there was nothing I could do about it, but I didn't know if there was anything I _could_ do. The State had me by the balls.

"Go to work, Soda. I'll deal with this." I pushed off the side of the house, and made my way back inside as Steve pulled up in the drive to pick Soda up.

I sat and stewed for a while in the armchair with the paper, trying to catch up on the sports highlights. Focussing on anything seemed to be an impossible task, so the television was turned on for some mindless entertainment. The television idea seemed even more feeble, and I vaguely wondered where the hell Two-Bit was; he could have made a great distraction.

I wandered the house, deciding to occupy my time with some house work. The phone rang as I was midway through cleaning the bathroom. My heart gave a thud as I rushed to make it to the living room to answer it before it stopped.

"Yeah, Pony?" I felt out of breath waiting to hear from my brother.

"Darry?" His voice was low and weak on the other end.

"Ponyboy, what's going on? Why aren't you here?"

"I don't feel good, Darry. I wanna come home."

"Well, why and the hell didn't you then? Why isn't Mr. Campbell letting you come home? If you're sick, we can take care of it here. What the hell is going on?"

"I just wanna come home." It was little more than a whisper, but I knew that he was crying.

"Ponyboy, I'm doing everything I can, but you could be here right now, y'know? Use your head!"

I'd yelled at him again. I was worrying my head off about him, knowing that there was something wrong and for whatever reason, Pony couldn't tell either me or Soda what it was, and I'd yelled at him for it.

"Okay, Darry," Pony sniffed. "I'll try harder."

"We'll see you next week. And I mean it, Pony. No excuses. If you're not feeling well, we can deal with that here. I'll take you to the doctor before school Monday. Whatever. I wanna see you here."

"'kay," and he hung up before I could tell him that I wasn't mad at him. I couldn't tell him that I loved him.

* * *

I looked out the front window at the overcast sky, and knew it was going to be another blustery, windy day. Soda had to work until noon, and I had another eight-hour day at the job site. Ponyboy was expected to be home by eleven; he'd be by himself for an hour before Soda would get back. I was nervous, but I was hopeful; just seeing him I knew would ease my mind.

I grabbed for my jacket as the soft knocking started at the front door, and I slung my tool belt over my shoulder as I opened it. It was Mrs. Richards.

Early.

Alone.

I shook my head and opened my mouth to speak, but nothing would come out.

"Darrel," she started, and I saw red.

"NO! Don't you even fucking say anything! Where is he?" My eyes bore into her as she timidly made her way through the front door.

"Darrel, your brother really is sick."

"You piss in my ear and tell me it's raining? Quit bullshitting me!"

"Darrel, I talked to the doctor on the phone. Your brother has pneumonia; I'm telling you. He's being looked after. You need to calm down."

"Pneumonia?" I eyed her suspiciously, but my heart gave a start with worry. I knew how dangerous that could be if it wasn't looked after properly.

"Yes, Darrel. I wasn't lying to you. Your brother's been sick."

"Somethin' ain't right, Lydia." It was the first time I'd called her by her first name. "More than just being sick. He ain't been himself. He's lost weight. He's pulled away from his brother and I and won't talk to us. There's more goin' on. I know it; I can feel it in my gut."

Mrs. Richards looked carefully at me before she started nodding.

"Okay, alright then. I'll make a trip over there and see what's going on."

"I'm coming with you," I announced as I dropped my tool belt to the floor.

"No, no. I could lose my job. There's no way you're coming with me. You stay here and I'll phone you when I find out how your brother is."

She turned to leave through the door, and I grabbed her by the arm spinning her around to face me. She looked at me as though I'd belted her, and I would've regretted the action if it had been about anything else but my family.

"You can take me with you, or you can go on your way and I'll follow. Either way I'm going to see my brother today."

She looked at me resigned; shaking her head. I wasn't taking no for an answer, and I didn't care who lost their job. Mrs. Richards had been patient, and I knew she was trying to do a good job, but this wasn't about her life. This was about mine.

"Follow me," she instructed curtly as she walked through the door and headed towards her car.

I knew it wouldn't sit well with the boss, but I had to see about my brother before I could ever concentrate on anything else. With no time to call work, I closed the door behind me, and practically jumped off the steps of the porch to get to the truck. Mrs. Richards pulled ahead, and I pulled out behind her and followed her across town.

I was surprised as she led me to a middle-class neighborhood. I wasn't expecting a place with the uppity-ups, but at the same time, the house we stopped at didn't seem to be much different than ours. Maybe the upkeep was there, but it was no larger. There seemed to be even less sense for Pony to be staying here.

I pulled the truck up and parked behind Mrs. Richards while she quickly got out of her car to approach me. I looked up to the house, noticed the screen door closed but not the inside door. I looked over to the driveway where it was empty. I felt hopeful there'd be a better chance of getting to my brother without the red tape of a foster parent being there.

"I want you to stay here," Mrs. Richards tried, but nothing on earth was going to keep me from seeing Ponyboy. I already had the door to my truck open.

"Oh, God! Darrel," she whined as she covered her face with her hands, but I didn't stop. I headed around the truck and up the walkway to the house with her following.

Nobody answered after the doorbell had been rung, I couldn't even hear the sounds of anyone present.

"That's odd," Mrs. Richards spoke what had already gone through my mind. Why would the door be left open and nobody be home? This wasn't my neighborhood where there wasn't anything worth breaking in for. Mrs. Richards tried the doorbell again with the same results. By the time she gave up on the bell and started knocking, I'd already tried the screen door and found it unlocked.

"Darrel, you can't do…" she stopped mid sentence as I made my way through the front door and into Mr. Campbell's living room.

"Darry?" She whispered and I rolled my eyes at her.

"Go sit outside if this makes you nervous," I glared at her and then turned my focus back on the reason I was there. "Ponyboy? Pony? You here? C'mon, kiddo, I'm here to pick you up for the weekend; time to come home."

I walked through the living room; a decent enough size to hold a full-sized couch and loveseat with the matching chair. The television set was new; a lot nicer than ours. There was a fireplace, and I noticed the mantle stood empty making it seem unfriendly. There was no trace that anybody ever lived in the room. It was too neat and tidy to be lived in. I walked back towards the door and headed for the kitchen.

The first thing that caught my attention was the row upon row of empty beer cans and empty whiskey bottles on the counter by the sink. The stench of stale beer made me wince. There was trash and used dishes scattered about the room and I couldn't believe it was in the same house as the immaculate living room. I was about to inspect the contents of the fridge when I heard Mrs. Richard's down the hallway.

"Oh, my God! What is that smell?"

I slowly made my way down the hall towards her. The smell took my breath away. It was the smell of sewage, and rusting metal, and something I couldn't put my finger on. I poked my head into the bathroom on my right, turned the light on, and was surprised to find the bathroom in order. The sink and toilet clean, and aside from some water stains, so was the bathtub.

There were two more rooms down the hall. One room with the door open, and one room with the door closed. I motioned for Mrs. Richards to head for the open door while I grasped the knob of the closed door and turned it until the door opened.

The smell about knocked me over. The room was cold and pitch black; the windows appeared to be covered with foil or garbage bags keeping the light and warmth of the sun out. I coughed and gagged as I covered my nose and mouth with my arm, turning around to feel for the light switch. I gagged and almost vomited as I turned around and scanned the room. No furniture, just more empty bottles.

And there he was.

He was laying on his side in the corner of the room facing the wall. Naked and forgotten; discarded like the worthless trash that had been strewn all over the kitchen. Thrown out like a broken-down toy that couldn't perform the way it was supposed to. His wrists bound, blood caking the right side of his head, I didn't think he was even alive until I heard the gurgled gasping of agonal breathing. I wanted to run to him, but my feet were clay.

My body shook as I finally took those steps, not wanting to know what I already knew in my heart; this wasn't an ordinary beating. I knelt beside my brother's defiled body, and covered my mouth with one hand as I rested the other on his shoulder.

"Darrel? Did you fin…OH MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!"

I could hear the screams of our social worker as if she were a world away. She tore out of the room like the devil was after her, and I knew she was calling for help. I was certain that it was too late. He'd never survive this degree of violence. I scanned my brother's body and lost count of the bruising by the time I'd got to his legs.

I hugged myself and my eyes closed tight as I bent over, resting my forehead on his shoulder. I couldn't stop the tears that came; I barely noticed them as the wailing sound of an injured animal filled the room, and I realized the sound was coming from me.


	12. Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

Ponyboy.

My brother had been thirteen when he lost his parents, and barely fourteen when he lost two of his friends and got hauled off to some stranger's home to live. He was the youngest of the gang, and I knew he hated it. He hated for people to see him as a little kid; mine and Soda's " _baby_ " brother. It was hard to maintain a sense of innocence going through what he had at such a young age and growing up on the wrong side of the tracks. Although Ponyboy was regarded as a "tough" kid and one of the Curtis brothers, he managed to walk through life with his head in the clouds.

Most of the time it ended him up in trouble; getting jumped because he walked home alone, forgetting his homework, daydreaming instead of doing chores or doing as he was told, or falling asleep in the vacant lot talking with his best friend. It drove me nuts. Part of me wanted him to grow up. With the struggles we faced, I didn't want to have to keep looking over my shoulder worrying about him. But part of me wanted him to stay young and fourteen forever. God knows, I already had my hands full with Sodapop.

It was May long weekend and it was one of those rare days I didn't land a twelve or fourteen-hour day on the rooftops. Pony was on me from the time I walked in the door that he wanted to go for a ride; what the hell is with that kid and rides? I was starving and knew he hadn't eaten either. With Sodapop due home, I figured I'd make it an occasion and take the boys out to the burger joint.

"Call your brother," I nodded to Pony. "Tell him not to take off. We'll get him and go for a bite and then drive out to the country for a bit."

Pony looked like he didn't believe me at first. More often than not, I just wanted to sit at home and relax. I was just too damned tired to run around town when another day of work crept up too quickly on me by next morning. When Pony realized that I was serious, his smile lit up his entire face.

"Yes!" He hissed as he fist-pumped the air and headed to the phone to call his brother at work. I deposited my lunch box on the kitchen counter, and went to the sink to wash my hands. I grinned and made my way for the door while he could hardly contain his excitement; talking to Sodapop about the news.

"C'mon, Pony," I teased him. "I haven't got all day." I jingled the keys to the truck as I stood at the door watching him vibrate.

"Okay, Soda! We'll be right there, bye!" And he hung up the phone and trotted like a colt to meet me on the other side of the screen door.

"Ready?" I asked him.

"Yeah, yeah, let's go, Darry!" Pony grabbed my shirt and tugged on it before he took the stairs off the porch, two at a time.

"You're sure?" I followed him and teased, just because I could tell he was about to go crazy.

"Yes! Yes! Dammit, Darry, let's go!"

"Pony," I warned him and stopped in my tracks.

We had an agreement that Ponyboy wasn't allowed to swear until he was sixteen. He let the odd one out, and I for the most part let it slide with a warning. I was sure he swore his face off when he wasn't around me or Soda, but those were the house rules made by mom and dad and I didn't change them.

"Sorry," he said immediately as he brought his fist to his mouth and looked at me carefully.

We stood and stared at each other. It took all I could to keep a straight face, but I managed. It was terrible, but I couldn't not do it. I had my little brother squirming and it was just too easy. When Pony looked about ready to bawl, I decided to let him off the hook.

"Get in the truck!" I pointed to the truck and Pony took a deep breath in relief.

"That was mean," Pony griped, but then started smiling again as he opened the door to the truck and scooted in.

"Yep. That's me; big ol' meanie, Darry." I grinned as I started the truck up and we pulled out of the drive. Pony laughed out loud, and I remember the sound making my heart warm.

We grabbed Soda from the DX and hurried over to Brownie's hamburger joint for a bite to eat. I parked the truck and handed Sodapop my wallet for him and Pony to go in and order. I walked to the back of the truck, folded down the tailgate and sat out in the sun watching the people coming and going.

I waved as a few cars honked; guys from the neighborhood or gangs we were friendly with. I watched as my brothers made their way back to the truck. Soda handed me one of the drinks and sat next to me with one paper bag while Pony stood, placing the other paper bag on the tailgate and rifling through it.

I nudged Sodapop as a couple of girls walked by, their hands covering their mouths, giggling and just short of ogling Pony. They were young, but not quite as young as Ponyboy, both blonde and cute for their age. Dressed to the nines, meaning they were most definitely from the uppity side of town, and checking out my baby brother. A big brother couldn't be prouder.

Soda grabbed the bag from Ponyboy and motioned for him to look up.

"Ow!" Pony griped. "You gave me a paper cut, Sodapop!"

"You oughta get your head outta yer butt once in awhile. Those girls were cute, Pony."

"What girls?" Pony turned to look around, but the duo had already gone into the restaurant.

"The two girls that couldn't stop staring and smiling at you," Soda chuckled and then dug a burger out of the bag and threw it at Pony's chest. Pony caught it while still frowning over his index finger that was barely bleeding.

"Why were they lookin'? Did I have something on my face?" Pony asked as he felt around his mouth with his free hand.

Soda and I laughed at him. He was clueless. Still small for his age, but he was starting to fill out and look more and more like his brother Soda as the days went by. I shook my head as I grabbed a burger out of the bag, unwrapped it and took a bite. How can the boy be so damned smart and so damned stupid at the same time?

Pony climbed up on the tailgate and sat beside Soda, who messed up his hair and then threw his arm around Pony's shoulders while still laughing.

"What?" Pony whined, and all it was successful in doing was making Sodapop laugh harder.

"Awww, Pony," Soda smiled as he gave him a sideways hug. "You poor thing."

"What?" Pony was getting tired of his big brothers laughing at his expense; a joke he didn't even understand.

"Come on, you two," I started. "Leave him alone, Soda," I warned, but then laughed along with him with Pony frowning at the both of us.

* * *

Fourteen.

He knew what sex was; he'd been around all the bull sessions between Steve and Soda and their girlfriends. Despite me kicking him out of the room, I know he'd overheard some of the seedy stories Dally shared. He'd blushed at all the stories Two-Bit bragged about regarding his infatuation with girls and their boobs. He knew about the logistics of it, but still too young to really get it.

Ponyboy still had the chance, the dream, the excitement of first true love ahead of him and all that came with that. First kisses, first touches, losing your virginity to somebody you're so crazy about, you can't even think straight. I was waiting, and dreading when the change would come about in him. Having to worry about two brothers out there, leading with their hearts (or other body parts), instead of their heads. Now I knew when that change came around, it would just lead to uncertainty, questions, confusion, and more pain. Those first moments and that innocence was ripped from him.

Soda was slouched in his chair, his head back, staring at the ceiling. His face was wet from tear after tear free falling down his face. He asked his questions, and I answered them honestly, and straightforwardly so there was no miscommunication, but there was a huge skeleton in the closet, and I had no idea how to let it out.

"I can't believe this," Sodapop sniffed and wiped his eyes as he tried to stop crying. "Why wouldn't Pony tell us that this asshole was beating him?"

I could only look at Soda and shake my head. I could only swallow hard.

"Why didn't we see this? There were no marks on him, Darry. I woulda seen if there were any bruises, I swear I woulda."

"C'mon, Soda, you know how shy Ponyboy is. Little buddy freaks out if you open the bathroom door while he's in the…" I couldn't picture my brother naked in the shower without seeing his ruined body on the filthy carpet of that house of horrors.

"Shower? Yeah, that's true." Soda shrugged his shoulders. "I just don't get it, Darry? Why?"

When Soda's eyes met mine, I suddenly couldn't breathe. I closed my eyes and felt the horror climb up from the walls of my chest up to the tightness in my throat and I felt like I was suffocating. My head thrashed back and forth, trying to shake away the images of how I'd found my brother out of my memory.

"What is it, Darry?"

I still couldn't speak. When I was finally able to take a breath, it wheezed down into my lungs and I about choked on it. I struggled to keep it together, but the look on Sodapop's face wasn't helping. It was that tender, inquiring look he had when he worked his magic and made you forget what all your ailments were. But I couldn't forget, and I would never be able to forget, and I wasn't the brother in the room that needed saving.

"Darry," Soda urged me once more until I broke, covering my face in one hand while I reached across Pony and grabbed for him.

He patiently let me scramble for some sort of control over my emotions. I could feel his eyes never leave me. I could feel his hand, firm but still gentle as it gave an occasional squeeze when I took a breath and then lost all control again.

"Darry, what did he do to our brother? What did you see?"

I barely heard Soda's voice as it trembled. I looked up at him as his hand started clutching mine and saw his eyes fill up to the edges, but somehow no tears spilled over that edge. He was waiting for me.

"Pony wasn't wearing any clothes," I started, but then realized there was no use in haunting Soda's dreams with the details. "He raped our brother, Soda."

"He raped him?" Soda looked at me confused. "I don't get it. Pony's a boy. You can't rape a boy. How do you rape a bo…"

I watched the color drain from Soda's face as his recognition became visible. The liquid glassing over his brown eyes spilled forward as my brother began to shake uncontrollably, and he jarred himself and the chair away from the bed and me.

I took a deep breath as Soda couldn't seem to catch his. He shook his head as he looked over at Ponyboy, and continued shaking his head as he looked to the ceiling, and then back at me. He shook his head like it was out of his control and there was no way to stop it.

His head hit his hands; his fingers pulling at his hair first, and then he bashed closed fists against his ears. I watched, and felt every emotion that played on Sodapop's face. The horror, the rage, the anguish; I'd lived it all while trying to burry it at the same time.

Soda's chair flew out from underneath him as he tried to bolt, but instead his leg caught the back of the chair leaving him sprawling out onto the floor. I was up in a flash, making my way to him as he screamed and cried and swung his arms at me, needing to strike out at anything just to dull the pain.

I managed to get behind Soda, pulling him up to lean against me, and wrapped my arms tightly around his to restrain him. His mad cries alerted everyone in the PICU, and soon our nurse Rhonda was in with security ready to haul him off to God knows where.

"Somebody help him," I begged and I wasn't sure at that point which brother I was talking about.

It was getting harder to hold him down; Soda Patrick Curtis was definitely no slouch. I just held on to his arms as tight as I could and watched as his legs kicked at the floor as he tried incessantly to break free from me.

Eric ran in the room and in an instant, he ran back out. When he returned, it was with two other nurses and the next thing I knew Eric was on me, pushing me with Sodapop over onto our sides while one of the nurses tugged on Soda's jeans and harpooned his backside with a needle. Sweat was pouring off me when Soda's body finally eased. I held on to him tight, sitting us both upright and looked to see Eric sit on the floor beside us. Soda was still crying.

"Easy _diganeli_ , easy…" His voice was gentle as his hand rested on Sodapop's hair.

"What'd you do to him?" I started to panic, but Eric just shook his head.

"A little Valium to take the edge off. He'll be okay, friend. He just needs some rest."

I nodded and loosened my grip around Soda's body. The drug had failed to knock him out, but it took the fight out of him. For the moment, he wept quietly on my arm and I didn't try to stop him. Eric managed to empty the on-lookers from the room and sent the security guards away while Rhonda went over to check on Ponyboy.

"You told him," Eric commented as he gathered the four chairs that were in the room, including the one toppled over by Soda, and lined them up in a row on the other side of Ponyboy's bed.

I nodded and closed my eyes as I gently pet Soda's hair. He was still crying, but the sobs were slowing. He clung on to my arm as he seemed to stare off into space. I didn't expect a reaction any different from Sodapop, but that didn't mean it wasn't going to scare the hell out of me. A part of him was dying.

Eric kneeled next to us and motioned over to the chairs. He helped me haul Soda up by his arms and we dragged him over to lay him out across the chairs Eric had set up.

"You need anything?" Eric asked, and I shook my head.

"No, friend. Thank you…for everything."

Eric smiled softly before he turned away and headed out the door. I managed to maneuver Soda so that I could sit on the chair underneath his head. He'd finally passed out; asleep and looking relatively peaceful despite his breakdown, with his head cradled in my lap.

I thought back to Dr. Allain's initial question to me: how far did I want to go to save Ponyboy? He'd explained all the physical challenges; the probable damage to his brain and the permanent consequences of that, but he never talked about the damage to Pony's soul. Would he ever recover from that?

I then thought of Eric's question: was my love strong enough? I wanted my brother back more than anything, but I knew that even if he lived through the hurt, I didn't know whether he'd be tormented by it his entire life. I couldn't stand the thought of him suffering anymore than he already had, and wondered if it was a suffering that I could spare him.

I watched the rise and fall of his chest with each whoosh of the respirator, and I just didn't know anymore. Maybe there were things in life that were a lot worse than dying.


	13. Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

I opened one eye as the waft of rich black coffee hit my senses. I saw the cup being held under my nose and decided to go ahead and open the other eye. My hand left the mass of hair from Soda's head as I gladly accepted the much-needed energy contained in the oversized cup and looked up to see Dr. Allain smiling down at me.

"Don't worry, it's from the lunchroom. That shit from the cafeteria will kill ya."

I laughed as I knew all too well the tar they were making people pay for on the main floor of the hospital. I graciously nodded and brought the cup to my lips. It was probably the best cup of coffee I'd ever had, at least in the last while, especially after having to suffer through the crap from downstairs.

"Thank you," I grinned at Dr. Allain as I leaned back in the chair and tried to get comfortable. I wasn't sure that I could feel my lower back and ass. Sodapop used my lap as a pillow all night and I was feeling the aftermath.

"You look like hell, Darrel," Dr. Allain grinned sadly at me and then looked down at Soda. "You really need to go home, at least for a little bit. We can't have episodes like last night happening again."

"I'm sorry about that." I nodded as the night's events came back to me. "We're dealing with this the best we can." I tried to explain, but Dr. Allain just held his hands up.

"I know that, Darrel. I'm not trying to criticize. I have no idea what I would do if I were in your shoes. I'd probably go crazy."

"He didn't know," I looked down at Sodapop's sleeping face and then back to the doctor. "I told him everything and that's what it was about. Those two are everything to each other; thick as thieves. I didn't want Soda to know the details, I just…I couldn't lie to him anymore."

"I think I understand now," Dr. Allain nodded and looked at me and then grabbed something out of his pocket. It was a prescription pad.

"Here," he scribbled something down and tore a sheet from the pad, handing it to me.

"What is this?" I couldn't read his writing to save my life. I opened my eyes wider, then took another sip of coffee while I stared at the script.

"It's for Soda. Ativan. You need to keep him in check, Darrel or he can't be here. Period. The two of you really just need to go home. There's nothing you can do for Ponyboy right now."

I shook my head at him. "Thanks, Doc. I appreciate it; I really do, but I ain't leaving until it's time."

Dr. Allain nodded, "I could call the police and have you removed."

"Yeah, but I'd just come back," I cocked an eyebrow and took another swig of coffee.

"I think I know where Ponyboy gets his strength from," the doctor smiled as he put a hand on my shoulder and turned to walk away.

I looked at Ponyboy and shook my head. Ponyboy had his own strength; that much I knew was true. I didn't know if Soda or I had anything to do with it, or if it was just Pony's stubborn streak; trying to keep up with the gang despite being the youngest. Either way, he had a reputation for being tough. I never told him, but I was very proud of him. I was proud to be his big brother.

"Thanks for the coffee, Doc." I nodded at him.

"Greg," Dr. Allain waved at me before he reached the door. "Call me Greg. I'll be in later, Darrel. You take it easy; Doctor's orders."

* * *

"Jesus Christ, is he even alive?" Steve muttered as he waved his hand in front of Soda's face.

Soda was sitting beside me with his head on my shoulder, his arms wrapped around my right arm; hugging it to him. He was staring off in space again, the effects of last nights' Valium had long worn off, but the shock had settled right in. He didn't whisper a word, or shed a tear. He just hugged my arm and stared straight ahead.

Steve waved his hand in front of Soda again and then backed up frowning. He walked over to the other side of Ponyboy's bed and cautiously inspected him around the respirator.

"You know if he'll be okay yet?" He asked as he frowned at my youngest brother. I shook my head in reply.

"Well he better be, or I'll kill him." Steve muttered and then came back to my side of the bed and sat down beside me.

I grinned briefly and then frowned. I doubted highly that Steve and Ponyboy liked each other, but they tried to tolerate each other for Soda's sake. With Steve being Soda's best buddy, there was a lot of competition for Soda's time with Pony being the odd one out sometimes. And then there were times when Steve was the odd one out.

"You got time for an errand, Steve?" I turned my head and looked over at him.

"Yeah sure, Darry. What do you need?"

I shoved my hand in my pocket and fished out Soda's prescription and handed it over to Steve. I grinned at the look on his face as he tried to decipher the writing. He looked at me like he just smelled something bad.

"What the hell?"

"It's some medication for Soda. Need to keep him calm; last night was pretty rough."

"Hmmm," Steve half laughed. "Hell, I'm surprised he's made it this far without losing it." Steve shook his head. "Him and that damned kid. You need anything, Darry?" Steve shoved the prescription in the pocket of his vest.

"Nah, Steve. Here, take my wallet." I grunted as my back tightened up while I reached for my wallet in my back pocket.

"Don't insult me, man." Steve looked annoyed as he pushed up from his chair and headed towards the door.

"What are you talking about?" I shot at him.

"I'll get it, man. Christ, Darry."

"What's the matter with you?" I asked, confused by Steve's irritation.

"Nothin. Let me help."

"You're doing more than enough, Steve." I knew that him and Two-Bit had been taking care of everything at the house while Soda and I had barely moved from Pony's bedside. I also knew he'd been covering for Sodapop at work. It didn't feel right putting more on our friends.

"Bullshit. Y'know, I ain't exactly thrilled with everything that's gone on. Your little brother's a pain in the ass, but I sure as hell didn't want this to happen to him." Steve was visibly upset, and I felt bad for him. I realized that Steve and Two-Bit had been lost in this whole mess.

"I know that, Steve."

"Yeah, well let me help you guys through this then." For a second, I thought Steve might burst into tears.

"Steve, I can't ask you to start…"

"Do you ever listen?" Steve hollered and I felt Soda slowly push off my shoulder. "I can't do anything to make Pony better, and if I could, I would. Swallow your fucking pride and let me help you with this."

I looked at Soda as he stared at his best friend, and a small smile met his face. Soda then looked over at me and gently punched my shoulder before slowly lowering his head back down onto it, and then snaked his arms back around mine. I turned back to Steve and nodded.

"I'm sorry, Steve. Thank you."

"Alright then," Steve turned and made his way for the door. "I'll be back in a bit." He waved as he disappeared.

* * *

Seventeen days had past, and there was no tangible change. Throughout the days some of the bruising had faded, and more bruising had surfaced. The evidence of all Pony had gone through gradually reared its ugly head as his nurse for the night suggested he should have a wash. The logical thing to do was to let the nurse go about her job, and do what she could to clean my brother up and maybe make him more comfortable in the process. But something in me couldn't let that happen. I didn't want anyone but me and Soda touching him, even if it was in their job description.

His nurse, Beth didn't question me or give me grief about it. She was kind and patient, gathering all the supplies I'd need, and giving instructions on how to maneuver around the tubes and cords still attached to Pony's fragile body: Everything was fair game from the shoulders down. Don't mess with his right side where the bandage laid covering the hole where a tube once was for draining blood from his punctured lung. Don't remove the wires stuck on his chest. Watch the IV lines in his arms. Don't pull on the catheter that was draining urine from his bladder. Due to the respirator, he couldn't be turned so his back was off limits.

It seemed simple enough; bathing Pony while he was unaware, but I felt my hands tremble with each gentle sweep of the wet washcloth. His body bruised and weak, I was terrified of hurting him. Soda sat at the bedside, calmed by his new medication, but I could hear him take a deep breath as the new found meaning of each bruise presented itself. There were marks on his hips and legs where it was obvious he'd been held down. There was deep bruising and lacerations around his wrists and ankles where we knew he'd been tied up like an animal.

Soda sobbed as he gently touched the angry marks on Ponyboy's left ankle. He shook his head, and covered his eyes with his other hand as though he were discovering Pony's wounds for the first time.

"Do you need to step out, little buddy?" I asked softly while I halted what I was doing, and waited for him to start breathing again.

Soda took me off guard when he nodded. I looked over, and nurse Beth was already at Soda's side; her arm around him and leading him to the seat just outside the glass door where she had been monitoring Pony. I watched as she talked to him and then flagged another nurse down who then came back with a cup of something to drink for him.

"I'm sorry, kiddo. I know this is probably making you uncomfortable, but don't be embarrassed." I don't know what it was. There was suddenly so much to say in the dim light of that hospital room late at night.

"You know I helped mom with you a lot when you were just a baby. Diapers and the whole bit. And you were probably too young to remember when the three of us had to have a bath together." I smiled as the memory of when we were all little kids came to me.

"You were a little runt back then too. We could've probably done without Sodapop; that kid kicked up more water than a hurricane, let me tell you." I shook my head as I finished bathing my brother in his hospital bed.

"So anyway, I don't want you to feel bad. Don't freak out or be embarrassed. I would never hurt you."

I gently dabbed him with towels to dry him, and then covered him with them. I moved to empty the wash basin in the sink, but Beth was there to take it from me as well as the used washcloths. When she came back, she gave me a clean bed sheet for Pony. I carefully covered him, taking care to remove the towels as the sheet covered each section of his body from the waist down.

"I wish that I had a sign, little buddy. I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore." I sat on the edge of the bed and gently rubbed Ponyboy's forehead.

"What do you want, Pony? Do you wanna be with mom and dad? Johnny and Dally? I need you to tell me what you wanna do. I've pushed you; I've been pushing you since mom and dad died and I know you think it's because I don't care, but you're wrong. I've been pushing you because I love you, and I know what you're capable of and I just wanna make sure you get there. Should I keep pushing you? Do you want me to get after you and help you come out of this thing, or do you need me to let you go?"

I watched his stillness, and I eased off the edge of the bed and brought the sheet up to his chest, tucking him in. I grabbed the stuffed toy I'd gotten him weeks ago from the hospital gift shop and tucked it between his left arm and side while I sat back on the edge of the bed and leaned over to kiss the side of his face.

"I want you to fight, Ponyboy. I want you to fight your way back to us, baby. But that's what _I_ want, and what _Sodapop_ wants. It's what we all want. I'll always want you to fight, Pony, but if it's too much you gotta let me know. I need a sign, little buddy."

I wasn't sure what I expected to happen; a lightning bolt from the ceiling, or my youngest brother to suddenly come out of his coma and start up a conversation with me? I just wanted somebody else to make the decision for me. When was it time to stop with the medicine and the machines? When was it time to say enough was enough, and let nature take its course and let Ponyboy have some peace? I wished for my parent's guidance there in the dim light of the hospital room, but sadly if they had still been with us, I knew that none of this nightmare would've happened to my brother.

I gently took Ponyboy's hand in mine and stroked the top of it. Soda cautiously eased his way back into the room. When he realized Pony was covered, he sat down behind me on the edge of the hospital bed and rested his head on my shoulder.

"What are you guys talking about?" Soda mumbled sleepily.

"Hmmm…" I sighed. "This and that. You're still with us, right Ponyboy?"

There was no lightning bolt from the ceiling. Ponyboy didn't spontaneously sit up in bed, and he didn't start talking to me about our bath times of yesterday, or what he thought about life and the struggles he's been through. There was no voice to guide the decision-making process of whether to hang on and do everything possible for Pony, or to stop what we were doing and let him go.

I didn't say a word to Sodapop. I let Soda huddle behind me and get comfortable as my pulse quickened and the butterflies fluttered in my stomach. I nodded and smiled at my sign as Pony’s thumb lightly traced back and forth on the palm of my hand. He was still with us. He was still fighting.


	14. Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

"So, what now?"

Dally pulled a chair out from the kitchen table and sat adjacent to me. I looked at him tiredly as I slouched over my cup of coffee and tried to concentrate on the crossword puzzle on the last page of the newspaper.

"What do you mean, what now? What now nothing. We wait and see what kind of damage was done. Gotta wait for Ponyboy to wake up, and then we'll take it from there."

I spewed a lecture like I always had; being sure to keep my head level to counter the hot heads that were in the gang. Dally could be the worst offender of the group; dangerous due to the fact he held no real importance to anything and believed he had nothing to lose.

"The kid'll be okay, Darry. Ponyboy's strong; he's tough. What I wanna know, is what are you gonna do now?"

"I told you, Dally." I was starting to get annoyed. "I gotta get him through this."

"What you gotta do is get the motherfucker that put him here. I can't believe you!" Dally's eyes turned wild, and I could see his anger rising as he slammed a fist down on the table.

"There'll be time for that, believe me, but right now I can't leave Ponyboy alone. Not until I know for sure he'll be okay."

"Nobody's telling you to leave him, Darry. You got a whole army of guys ready to do your bidding, just say the word. Open your damn eyes."

"Dally, I can't do this with you right now. I gotta focus on Pony." I tried to explain so that he'd understand.

"Open your eyes, Darry. They're coming."

"What?" I was confused. "Who's coming?"

"The doctor. Wake up. They're here, Darry." I looked at Dally and wondered why he suddenly sounded like Sodapop. What the hell was going on?

"Darry,"

I opened my eyes as someone shook my shoulder, and I had to blink a few times to figure out where the hell I was. I looked around the room expecting to be in my kitchen, and it was the same hospital room we'd been in for the last three and a half weeks. Everything seemed out of focus as I rubbed my eyes.

I turned my head and Soda was watching me curiously. My hand moved over to my face; tiredly rubbing my forehead before moving back down to my eyes, and then wiped across the beard covering my cheek and chin. I straightened out in the same chair I'd lived in for what felt like forever, and took notice of Dr. Allain, Eric, and our nurse for the day, all huddled over Pony.

"What time is it?" I mumbled sleepily as I tried to rub the tension out of my neck.

"I dunno. Early probably." Soda leaned back in his chair as he watched the medical staff round over our brother.

"It's just after eight," Greg smiled over at us. "Good morning, Darrel. I'm sorry we woke you up, I know you haven't been sleeping much."

"You didn't," I waved his apology off. "What's happening?" I eased out of my chair and shuffled my feet weakly so I stood at the side of the bed, taking Ponyboy's hand.

"It's time we see what your brother can do." Greg started, and then focused on the nurse who nodded at the new orders. "Let's decrease the Thiopental. It'll take a while for him to get it out of his system, but let's see what happens."

"What do you mean? What's going on?" Panic started to rise, but I looked over at Eric and Greg and had to trust that they knew what they were doing.

"We'll start decreasing his sedation. If he can tolerate that, we can gauge the extent of damage to his brain." Dr. Allain seemed to be talking to everyone in the room, not just me and Soda.

"What about that thing in his head?" Soda pointed to the drain that was inside of Pony's brain, draining the excess fluid and keeping the swelling down.

"If today goes well, we'll know more. Hopefully that can come out, and we can stop the antibiotics. When he's well, we'll trial him off the ventilator."

I must have looked as nervous as I felt. It seemed like this was the "all or nothing" moment we'd been waiting for, and dreading at the same time. I knew in my heart that Ponyboy was still with us and hanging in there; he'd as much told me on more than one occasion when he brushed his fingers against my palm. What I didn't know, and what scared me the most was how he was going to react emotionally and physically to the damage that was done to him.

"How long?" My voice was dry and I hoped that nobody noticed how it shook. I had to be strong for my brothers, but at the moment I felt totally odd, and I suddenly felt like I was swaying on my feet.

Dr. Allain put a reassuring hand on my shoulder and he gave me a funny look.

"Six hours he should start to show signs of alertness. Maybe more. It's been a while and he's been under for a long time." He turned and spoke quietly to Pony's nurse before turning back to me.

"Darrel, when was the last time you ate something?"

"What?" What in the hell did that have to do with anything?

"Darry, you need to sit down." Soda urged and I looked around as the room seemed to spin.

Eric made his way around the bed in an instant and helped Soda ease me back away from Ponyboy's bed and onto a chair.

"Darry? What the hell is going on?" Soda was yelling, and it sounded like an echo in an empty cave. Things started swirling in and out of focus, and it became an effort to keep my head upright and my eyes open.

"Get a sugar on him, would you please?" I heard from off in the distance and thought I saw Greg kneeling in front of me.

"Darrel? Darrel, you need to stay with me, okay?"

"Come on, Darry," I could hear Sodapop start to cry.

"It's okay," my words slurred and I felt drunk and out of control. "I'm okay." I tried to reassure Soda. The poor kid had enough to worry about. I didn't want to be the one adding to it.

"No, it's not Darrel." Dr. Allain spoke up. "Get me some juice in here now, please." I heard him bark out orders, and I vaguely had the sense people were moving around me but I could barely keep my eyes open as my head bobbed back and forth.

I pulled my hand back when I felt a sharp pain in my finger and I meant to complain but I could hear Soda crying, and I knew I had to get back to Pony's bedside so that I would be there when he woke up. Then I could see Dally there, shaking his head disapprovingly at me. He was hell bent on finding Pony's abuser and afflicting his revenge on him. I wanted to join him, but Ponyboy…

"Darrel! Darrel!" I opened my eyes as Greg and Eric both pulled me to sit forward in the chair and Greg held a cup full of what I hoped to be coffee up to my lips.

"Darrel, you need to drink this. Do you understand?" I just nodded as my eyes started to feel heavy again. I just wanted to sleep.

"Wake up, diganeli!" Eric began rubbing my back briskly. "It's orange juice. Drink the juice, brother."

Dr. Allain kept his hand on the cup as I brought my own hand up and guided the cup closer so that I could drink its' contents. I felt like each swallow I took was under the control of something outside of my own self. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion, like a dream that I was in but had no control over.

With some effort and a lot of coaxing from the doctor, Eric, and Sodapop, I'd finished the juice in it's entirety when another full cup was pushed in front of my face again.

"Keep drinking, Darrel. Another blood glucose here, Hellen. Thank you." Dr. Allain's face came in to focus and he smiled when I finished the second cup of orange juice forced on me.

"I'm okay," I said out loud to no one in particular as the nurse poked my finger again and squeezed the blood onto a strip of coloured paper. I felt my head clear a bit and I turned to see my brother visibly upset.

"I'm okay," I repeated, but all that seemed to do was set Sodapop off into a fit of hysterics.

"You stupid asshole!" Soda yelled before punching my arm, and not lightly. I feebly lifted my arm and wrapped it around him, bringing him into me. Soda fell into my shoulder.

"Asshole!" His cry was muffled into my shoulder.

"When is the last time you've eaten?" Dr. Allain looked at me seriously as the nurse mumbled numbers at him.

"I don't know," I shrugged. "I had coffee last night, I guess. Why?"

"Yeah, I know you've had coffee, Darrel. You've been living on coffee, but when's the last time you had food?"

I shook my head. I didn't even remember the last meal I'd eaten, or if I'd eaten since Pony was admitted to the hospital. I assumed I had, but who keeps track of something so trivial and automatic? I vaguely remembered Two-Bit showing up with snacks and sandwiches or burgers, but I couldn't remember when or if I'd eating anything. I looked back at the doctor and shrugged my shoulders.

"Darrel, you're not Superman. You can't keep this schedule up and not let your body rest and be nourished. You need to be in the emergency." Dr. Allain lectured, but I knew that I couldn't leave.

"I ain't leaving, doc. I feel a lot better now, thanks."

"I'm not asking, Darrel. You're no good to your brothers if you wind up in a hospital bed yourself."

"Darry," I looked over at Sodapop and his eyes were pleading with me. "Darry, you gotta think about Ponyboy. He needs you, you can't do this."

"I'm sorry," I leaned my head back and sighed, wondering how I could let this happen to my brothers.

I was tired, but I'd expected that over the weeks. I wasn't sleeping, and I was stressed to the max. I didn't even realize how long I'd been running on empty. Everything else seemed to get pushed onto the back burner while I was praying my brother would live. I didn't feel hungry, I just felt tired. I felt stretched like a wire, until it's so thin it snaps.

"Hey, Soda. Why don't you and me go down and grab your big brother something to eat from the cafeteria?" Eric smiled.

"I thought you _didn't_ want him to be sick?" Soda inquired seriously, but it made Eric laugh.

"Good point, but your brother needs to eat."

"M'kay," Soda mumbled before turning to me. "You're okay, right Darry? You're okay if I go downstairs for a few minutes? What do you want to eat?"

I shrugged. "Whatever looks good, little buddy. Get yourself something to eat too, okay?" I dug in my pocket and fished out my wallet and handed it to Soda.

"Huh, we might both be sorry," he muttered as he passed me to follow Eric out of the room and down to buy some food.

"How do you feel?" Greg asked the nurse wheeled a small stand over to me from the far corner by the sink. It was a blood pressure cuff and gauge.

"I'm good, Doc. Seriously, you guys are freaking out over nothing."

"Why don't you let me be the judge of that, hmmm?" Greg looked at me seriously as he grabbed my left arm and wrapped the blood pressure cuff around it.

He placed the stethoscope on, shoving the bell of it under the cuff. The cuff tightened around my arm, and just when it became uncomfortable, it deflated and Greg was taking it off.

"Alright, maybe you are Superman. 115 over 79. Pretty impressive for someone as hypoglycaemic as you just were. I thought we were going to have to code you."

"I'm fine," I repeated, but Dr. Allain had heard enough out of me apparently.

" _Now_ ," he clarified. "You're fine _now_. Look, you can't keep this up without something giving. Darrel, I get it. I get that Ponyboy is your focus. I understand the grief you must feel, and I get that he's your priority and everything else can wait. I'm here telling you that it can't. You're in for a long road ahead of you. I have no idea how your brother is going to be. You need your strength to prepare."

"My brother's gonna be okay." I mumbled. "He's a fighter, and he's gonna be okay."

"Well, can you do me a favour anyways?"

"What's that?" I asked carefully.

"Could you eat, for crying out loud?" Dr. Allain laughed as he squeezed my shoulder.

"I will if you bring me a cup of that coffee you've been hiding."

"Darrel, I will bring you a pot of that coffee when I see that you're eating." He laughed.

"Sounds like a deal." I sat up and rubbed over my face as I started feeling more and more like myself.

"Could I get an advance on that coffee?" I asked wryly as Dr. Allain made his way for the door.

He turned to look at me and then shook his head, laughing. "You know, after getting to know you and Soda, I'm looking forward to meeting Ponyboy. If he's anything like the two of you, we're in for a treat."

"You have no idea," I grinned, my head perking up as Soda and Eric made their way back into the room with a couple of trays of food from the cafeteria. Dr. Allain nodded to them both before he left.

"Well, what'd you get, little buddy?" I mumbled as Soda and Eric put the trays down on Pony's bedside table, and Soda pushed it around the bed and towards me before sitting down beside me.

"Bacon, eggs, toast, sausage, milk, juice. Everything but the kitchen sink." Soda sighed as he shoved food in front of me.

I looked at the plate in front of me and frowned. It just looked sad. The bacon was greasy and looked soggy. The eggs looked off. I grabbed for a slice of toast and took a bite.

"Darry, you gotta put jelly on it or something," Soda griped as he took the slice out of my hand and threw it down onto the plate, adding globs of what looked to be grape jelly over it.

"I'll tell you what I'd like right now. Some of your green eggs and ham. Maybe some blue mashed potatoes on the side." I grinned to myself at Soda's numerous culinary masterpieces. The guy could get creative with the food coloring.

"Shit," Soda scoffed at me. "You must be dying. Here, you better eat up while you still have a chance." Soda pushed the toast back over to me.

I chuckled lightly as I slowly ate the toast in front of me. Sodapop was right; it tasted better with the jam.

"Make sure he eats the rest," Eric instructed, and then left the room.

"What'd you get yourself?" I snooped over to Soda's tray and saw he had the same thing.

"Eat your own," Soda snarled as he coated his own toast with jam.

"Calm down," I laughed at his irritation.

"Calm down, nothin'. I'm on pills for that now." Soda rolled his eyes and shoved a piece of bacon in his mouth. "Eat your breakfast." He mumbled with the food still in his mouth.

"C'mon, Soda. It's gonna be better." I spoke after I'd swallowed more food. It seemed to be going down a lot better than I initially thought it would.

"It better," he mumbled bitterly.

"You ever gonna get a job, Two-Bit?" Steve and Two-Bit walked in the doorway talking to each other. Steve was holding a grocery bag.

"Hey, I don't mind the whole idea of going to work. It's the waiting to go home after eight hours that's complete bullshit."

"Christ, Two-Bit." Steve winced. "If stupid could fly, you'd be a goddam jet."

Two-Bit and Soda burst out laughing, and I just rolled my eyes although I was relieved to have a distraction from what was to come, and what had already gone down.

"Well, hello Curtis brothers." Two-Bit was downright chipper. "How are you crazy greasers doing this fine mornin'?"

"What's in the bag?" Soda looked up at Steve.

"Well, funny you should ask, boys." Two-Bit started to tell us another story until Steve shot him a look that promised instant pain. "Steve, why don't you show them?"

"Move your shit," Steve muttered at Soda's tray on the bedside table.

Soda hurriedly tucked his tray beneath mine, putting his dishes and cutlery on top along with my things. Steve unceremoniously placed the bag onto the unused spot of the table and backed away. Soda and I looked at each other and then back at Steve.

"Well, what the hell is it?" Soda asked.

Steve rolled his eyes, and then approached the table again, tearing the paper bag away as opposed to reaching in and grabbing the item or items. We all sat and stared, looking at the object as though it were a dream.

"God, please tell me you didn't make that." Soda snickered, and Steve reached over and shoved him.

"No, I did not make that. Evie did. She sends her best." Steve's voice trailed off and he tried to hide his smile.

"Well, did somebody bring a knife? Let's cut into this sucker." I said, excited about the chocolate cake that Steve just plopped down in front of us.

"Sure, Darry. A couple of hoods are gonna be let in the hospital with a big kitchen knife. That won't raise eyebrows at all." Sodapop quipped and I just rolled my eyes.

"I'm getting a headache. Could somebody please get me a piece of cake?" I hadn't had chocolate cake since before Pony and Johnny had run away, and this particular cake looked better than any I could have made.

Two-Bit flicked out his switch blade and went to work on cutting the cake. His new trusty blade wasn't as flashy as the last one he'd had and lost. From the looks of the carnage he was making of the cake, it wasn't as sharp either.

"Save one for Ponyboy," Soda pointed at the cake before taking his wedge and shoving it in his face.

It was the first time in more than three weeks we sat around in that hospital room and things felt half normal. The morning had started off rough, but with the help of our friends, the edge of our unease seemed to smooth out a little and I was thankful.


	15. Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

 

"What time is it?" Soda asked as him and Steve sat on opposite ends at the foot of Ponyboy's bed, playing War with a deck of cards I'm sure was swiped from the gift shop by no other than Two-Bit Mathews.

It had been a long morning following my own brush with health issues, and it was made a lot easier due to Steve and Two-Bit's presence. It was a relief to have the distraction from the usual silence of the room, and the endless chattering of my own thoughts and doubts going on in my head.

"Four-thirty," I looked over to the clock above the sink and then looked back over to Pony. He was still unconscious.

"I thought that doctor said six hours?" Soda griped.

"It'll take as long as it takes, little buddy. Pony's been out for a long time. We just have to be patient."

I couldn't blame Sodapop. The waiting had been torture, and the fact Soda was able to sit this long over the past few weeks was impressive enough. Soda wasn't known for his ability to sit for more than thirty seconds and I had to give my brother credit, because credit was due. He'd been through the wringer and adjusted to it a lot better than any one of us expected.

"You feeling okay, Darry?" Two-Bit was sitting beside me after he'd been sent out and off to get food for me about every hour thanks to Sodapop. It was an odd role reversal for me; I was the one used to looking out for everyone else.

"I'm fine, Two-Bit. Thanks." I nodded as I leaned my head back while I watched over Ponyboy.

The waiting was worse than anything and I prayed this wasn't the answer we were waiting for. What if he never woke up? What if there was too much damage? But I remembered both times he'd reacted to me; as small and subtle as it was, that light touch of his fingertips and thumb spoke volumes to me. I had to believe he was trying to reach out to me. I had to believe that he was okay.

"How much shit would a dipshit shit if a dipshit could shit dip?" Two-Bit spewed his pointless poetry to no one in particular.

"You're fucking weird, y'know that?" Steve flicked a card at Two-Bit while playing his game with Soda. Two-Bit just laughed as Soda raised his arms in victory. He won another round of War.

"Goddamit, Sodapop! Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!"

Soda and Two-Bit whooped and caused a ruckus, gathering some looks from the nurses outside of the room.

"Alright!" My voice boomed over the laughter and snickering and swearing. "Watch the language, and I mean it! I don't want the first word coming outta Pony's mouth to be the "F" word."

"Gee, Darry. You ain't exactly innocent." Soda piped up.

"Enough," I shot Soda a challenging look, and he clammed up.

"Heck, Darry," Two-Bit started. "If my skull got cracked open in a car wreck like Pony's, you better believe the first words out of my mouth would start with "f".

Soda and I gave each other a quick glance before looking away. Two-Bit and Steve had no idea what really happened to Ponyboy. Like Soda previously, I had told them it was a car accident. I didn't think it was important for them to know all the details, and at this point I didn't feel like it was my decision to tell them without a discussion that included my youngest brother.

"What was that?" Steve asked.

"What?" Soda started shuffling the deck of cards.

"What was that look you gave each other?"

"Nothin' Steve, drop it." Soda muttered. Steve looked over to me expectantly.

"Watch the language, that's what that look was." I warned. Steve shrugged and that ended the questions.

"You ready for supper yet, Superman?" Two-Bit asked me as he got up from his chair and stretched.

"Not really," I frowned as I looked from Pony over to Two-Bit.

"Darry, the doc says you gotta eat or he'll drag you down to the emergency." Soda spoke up, and I couldn't help but roll my eyes. This was going to get old real fast.

"Listen, I don't need my kid brother telling me what I need to be doing. In case you haven't noticed, I've been stuffing my face all day."

"Good, but you shoulda been stuffing your face everyday we've been here. Stop being a jerk about it!"

I'd made Soda mad. Part of me felt bad about it; I was lucky to have a brother as great as him worrying about me. Part of me was irritated; I didn't need my 17-year-old brother worrying over me like a mother hen. I decided on a little middle ground, and not give Soda more to think about.

"I ain't hungry now, but if they got a sandwich down there I might be up for it later."

"Sounds good, Darry. Soda? You want something?"

"The fries aren't bad. Get me a Coke? Pepsi? Whatever they're serving down there."

"Alright," Two-Bit nodded before he looked to Steve. "Wanna come, Grumpy?"

"I ain't grumpy," Steve muttered as he stood. "This is my personality."

"Then God, please help us!" Two-Bit teased as the two of them made their way out the door.

I closed my eyes and slid down so that I was slouching in my chair. I leaned my head back and took a few deep breaths in the new-found silence.

"I can't remember, does Two-Bit ever shut up?"

Sodapop chuckled before replying, "Not really, but I think he's just nervous like the rest of us."

I nodded as I slowly opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling tiles. I sighed as dread crept its way back into my thoughts. What if Ponyboy didn't wake up? What would we do? What if he lived, and just stayed a vegetable the rest of his life? Would I still be able to take care of him and Soda, and still work two jobs? Would the State take him and shove him in some institution? With each passing minute, it was harder and harder to keep thinking positive thoughts.

"You alright, Darry?" Soda asked gently.

"Yeah, I'm okay little buddy. Sorry for snapping at you earlier."

"It's alright, Darry. I'm scared too." Soda gave me a half smile before resting his head on his arms at the foot of the bed.

Pony's nurse, Hellen came into the room just then and looked Pony over; charting her information on a clipboard. "You gentlemen hanging in there? Is there anything I can do for you?"

Soda and I both shook our heads at the same time. Soda closed his eyes and looked about ready for a nap, while I stared blankly at the ceiling wondering vaguely how long it would take to count all the black specks that made up that particular pattern of tile. My eyes closed slowly, and I felt ready to drift off myself.

I was dimly aware of Two-Bit and Steve's return. They kept quiet, not saying anything, but I could sense them shuffling around the room with what I assumed to be trays from the cafeteria. My breathing seemed to deepen as I heard them arrange the chairs and bedside table, and then I reached the point where I jumped over that edge of awake and sleep. The world around me shut off like a switch.

I was suddenly at home again, sitting at the old kitchen table with a cup of black coffee, this time griping over the bills. I shook my head as I opened each envelope, and wondered how anyone ever caught up with these things. It felt like as soon as I paid one bill, there'd be another bill in the mail the next day.

I looked up as my mother walked in the kitchen. She was wearing her light pink house dress and her fuzzy white slippers. Her hair was up and she sat down next to me. I could smell her perfume; the soft smell of lilacs and freesia filled the room. She looked at me and smiled, took my hand and brought it up to her lips and planted a soft kiss on my knuckles.

"It's going to be alright, sweetheart," she said softly as she held my hand in hers.

"How do you know?" I choked, suddenly filled with so much emotion I was ready to burst.

"Because it's you. You're so much like your father. You're taking such good care of the boys, Darry. I'm so proud of you." My mother's dark brown eyes sparkled as she spoke to me.

"But it's my fault, mom. He almost died; he might still, and it's all my fault." I shook my head and felt a tear escape.

"Shhhh…" my mom reached over the table and cupped my chin in her hand. "None of this is your fault, sweetie. You're doing everything you can. Your dad and I know it. We know how much you love Soda and Ponyboy. It's going to be alright."

"But I was supposed to protect him," I cried but my mother just smiled at me warmly and genuinely and shook her head.

"You did. You found him in time and got him to the hospital. You are protecting him; making all the right decisions for him and watching over everything being done. And you will protect him and I know that you'll never let anyone ever hurt him again."

"I miss you, mom." I cried and my mother stood up and came to me. Her arms wrapped around me and I pressed the side of my face against her chest and I swear I could hear her heart beating. I felt like I was a little boy again, not a man struggling to keep what was left of his family together.

"I miss you too, my sweetheart. I miss you too." She whispered as she kissed my hair and then let go of me.

"Pony's awake, Darrel. Go take care of him for your dad and I." My mom smiled before turning to walk away.

"I will." I promised, but my mom was already gone.

"Hey there, sweetie. You're up!"

I jolted awake, taking a deep breath as I looked around the room, wondering once again why I wasn't at home at the kitchen table. Sodapop was still asleep with his head in his arms, sitting in a chair pushed up against the foot of the bed. Two-Bit and Steve were gone, I assumed visiting hours had passed since the clock read eight o'clock. I looked over at Ponyboy and the pieces of the puzzle seemed to forge together. His nurse, Hellen was talking to him.

"It's okay, sweetheart. Your family is here with you."

I quickly got up from my chair and stood at the side of the bed. Pony's eyelids looked heavy as they dragged open and then slowly dragged closed. He didn't seem to be focussed on anything. His head didn't even move, just his eyelids. He blinked slowly; his eyes seeming to roll back before the lids closed again.

"His eyes just started opening." Hellen smiled at me. "I'll go get Dr. Allain."

I nodded as she quickly left Pony's room, and then turned my attention to my brother. He was still struggling to open his eyes; they looked as though they were just too heavy. He moved his head slightly towards me, and I grabbed his left hand in my left hand while my right hand settled softly on his forehead where I stroked him with my thumb. My heart was pounding.

"Hey, Ponyboy." I spoke as softly as I could. "I'm right here, little buddy. I'm right here."

Ponyboy furrowed his eyebrows, but a second later I could see the green irises as they tried to focus. I brought his hand up to my mouth, and kissed his knuckles like my mother had kissed mine in my dream. Pony's face turned a different expression; I wasn't sure if he was scared or in pain or confused as his fingers moved over my mouth to the beard that covered my face. He shut his eyes tight, and I noticed the tears stream down to the bed beneath him.

"Shhhh. It's okay, baby. I'm right here. Nobody's gonna hurt you." I promised with everything in me.

The machine breathing for Pony shouted out an alarm as my brother shook and sobbed. With strength I didn't know he had, he brought his right arm up, grabbing the connection to the respirator, and tried to pull it off.

"No, no, no, no," I somehow was able to keep my voice calm while my heart felt like it was pounding a thousand beats a minute. "Shhhh, you gotta keep that on, baby. Keep it on. You need it to breathe."

I let go of his left hand while I pulled his right hand away from his face. The respirator continued to alarm as Pony cried.

"Pony?" Soda was suddenly over on my side of the bed and beside me, practically climbing up on the bed next to our brother.

"Pony?" Soda repeated himself like he couldn't believe what was happening. Pony caught sight of Sodapop and it seemed like he started crying harder. This of course upset Soda, who wore his heart on his sleeve for all to see.

"Pony, please don't cry." Soda begged as he laid his head down on Ponyboy's chest.

"What's up, boys?" Dr. Allain entered the room with our nurse Hellen, and Eric.

"Shhhh, it's okay you two. You two need to calm down. Everything's gonna be okay." I gently tried to comfort my brothers.

"Hi, Ponyboy." Dr. Allain spoke loudly over the alarming of the machine. "My name is Greg Allain, Ponyboy. I'm your doctor. Can you open your eyes for me?"

Pony continued sobbing and I felt myself get worked up between him being so upset and the goddam alarm of the respirator grinding on my nerves. Eric seemed to sense this, and was able to somehow turn off the alarm.

"He's scared," Sodapop commented softly as he sat up and took Pony's hand; taking my place by kissing it.

"It's okay, baby. We're here; nothing's gonna happen to you." I said lowly while I resumed my gentle rubbing of his forehead. Pony slowly opened his eyes again, looking at the doctor.

"That's good, Ponyboy. Good." Dr. Allain encouraged while he grabbed a small light out of his pocket and flashed it in Pony's eyes while holding his lids open.

"Ponyboy, do you know where you are?" Dr. Allain asked. It took a few moments, but Pony slowly and very weakly shook his head.

"Ponyboy, you're in the hospital. Do you remember how you got here?" Dr. Allain asked more questions with the same response from Pony.

"Ponyboy, do you know who these two are?" Dr. Allain motioned over to Sodapop and myself.

Ponyboy closed his eyes and cried, nodding his head. His right arm came up and he tried to disconnect the respirator again. Eric was gentle but swift as he caught his hand and held it.

"It's okay, _usdi ayastigi._ We'll take it off when you're ready. You just need to rest right now."

"Ponyboy, are you scared?" Greg asked. Pony slowly nodded.

"I think you're going to be okay, kiddo. You're in good hands with your brothers. There's no reason to be scared." Greg commented while he turned to Hellen and Eric and began talking.

"It's okay, Pony. We ain't gonna leave you. We're here." Soda kissed Pony's hand again before holding it in both of his.

Ponyboy's eyes grew heavy, telling us all that it was taking everything he had just to keep them open for us. I'd never felt such conflict in my life before. The feeling of relief that he was awake was short lived. Now that he was awake I felt even more worried. Seeing him so frail made me want him to rest, but at the same time I wanted to cherish every second of his wakefulness in case it never happened again.

"It's okay if you wanna go back to sleep, little buddy." I leaned down over the bed and kissed Pony on his ear. He furrowed his eyebrows at me, weakly bringing his hand up to touch my beard again.

"I told you it was gonna freak him out," Soda was watching us with a smile and tears in his eyes.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head at Soda; tired of him continually criticizing me for not shaving. I didn't care if I grew my beard down to my toes; my concentration was on other things and once those things squared away, I'd find the time to shave again.

I looked back at Ponyboy as his eyes closed. Not wanting to break the connection with him, I held his hand to my face and closed my own eyes.

"It'll take some time for him to completely clear the sedation out of his system." Greg commented as he watched the three of us. "You were right, Darrel. Ponyboy is something else."

I couldn't speak without breaking down right then, so I just nodded. The doctor and Eric left the room and Soda slid off Pony's bed. I felt him push a chair close behind me so I could sit while resting my head next to Pony's. I opened my eyes as Soda made his way to the other side of the bed, tucking himself in beside the respirator so that he could have his brother's other hand.

I prayed for the worst to be over as I fell asleep with my little brother's hand cradled to my face. The fact he was awake and understood what was being said and asked of him seemed like a good sign for a quick recovery, and I didn't think it'd be long before I was able to get him back home.

I was wrong.


	16. Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

The drain from Pony's head had been removed the day after he came out of his sedation, and everything looked like it was progressing on a good note. The procedure wasn't as imposing as I thought it would be. They kicked Soda and I out of the room, set up a sterile table at Pony's bedside, and removed the drain while we watched through the glass door. They patched up the wound with stitches and a special dressing and that was that. One less tube restricting my brother's recovery.

Ponyboy, like I knew he would be, was a true fighter and didn't complain about anything but my new facial hair, and the ventilator. He was becoming more and more alert, and although he was still frail, he found a way to keep pulling on the respirator, setting off all the alarms. When he wasn't busying himself with that, he would run his fingers through my beard with an odd expression on his face that I couldn't decipher. He couldn't really communicate with us besides the slight nod or weak shake of his head, so I really didn't know if he had any memories at all of what happened, even though he denied knowing why he was in the hospital.

I began to realize things weren't back to normal with Ponyboy the day Dr. Allain wanted to try him without the assistance of the respirator. It seemed straightforward; take the tube out from his throat so that he could breathe on his own. What I didn't prepare for however, was the instance where he couldn't breathe without the machine.

"Okay, little warrior. You just need to relax and listen to me, okay?" Eric was at the bedside by the respirator prepping my brother before they removed his breathing tube.

"You ready, Eric?" Dr. Allain put a hand on his shoulder.

"Yep. Just bumping him up to one hundred percent before we extubate. Rhonda, get the bagger and a non-rebreather ready at fifteen litres. You ready, Pony?"

Pony's eyes were wide, and he looked unsure, but he was tough and he wasn't going to let anyone know if he was scared. Sodapop put a reassuring hand on the top of Ponyboy's head while I stood at his feet, out of the way. Pony looked at Soda, and then at me. I gave him a wink, and Pony looked at Eric and nodded slowly.

"Okay, buddy. When I tell you to, I want you to give a cough, okay?" Eric instructed, but Pony seemed to get upset by it.

"It's okay, little warrior. It doesn't have to be a big one. Just do the best that you can, alright?" Eric encouraged, and Pony nodded slightly and blinked his eyes in response.

"Alright, Pony. Here we go. Give me your best cough…now!"

Pony tried to cough, but his body was just too weak. He sputtered and gagged while the tube was pulled from his throat. My eyes bulged as I'd seen the tube in its entirety; the length of it had to have put it well near his lungs. My hand automatically went up to cover my mouth; unsure of whether or not I was going to start retching.

Pony's face was beet red as he tried to catch his breath. Eric came at him with long clear tubing that was hooked up to a vacuum system, and cleared his mouth of fluid and debris. We were waiting on baited breath for Pony to take his, but it just wasn't happening.

"Quick, give me the mask!" Eric demanded from Rhonda, and she handed him the oxygen mask.

"Come on, Pony. You gotta breathe." Soda encouraged softly while helping Eric secure the oxygen mask around Ponyboy's head.

Pony's face gradually went from a beet red to a deep purple. He wasn't breathing and the oxygen mask wasn't helping him. My heart leapt into my throat as I watched the deep purple fade into what looked like black to me and Pony's eyes slowly closed. He was dying right in front of us and I felt a helpless panic, just standing there watching, unable to help my brother.

"Get an intubation tray now!" Greg sounded as unnerved as I felt at that moment. Rhonda quickly left the bedside and ransacked the supply cart that was located beside the sink.

"Pony, you gotta breathe!" Soda started crying and I made my way over to the side of the bed and stood beside him, putting my hand on his shoulder.

"No, Pony. You've come too far. Take a breath, _usdi ayastigi_." Eric's voice was soothing before he turned to me. " _Diganeli_. Talk to your brother, friend. He'll listen to you."

I looked at Ponyboy and it seemed like time had stopped. His entire body had paled, his skin looked greyish, his face pained. I remembered how I'd found him all alone in that foster home; beaten and violated and left to die with no dignity or hope to cling to. I thought of the month-long battle he fought to come back to us. There was no way I was going to let him go now. I crammed in between Sodapop and the bed.

"Pony!" I was firm. "Ponyboy Michael Curtis! You start breathing, and you start breathing now!"

"Dammit, kid." Eric ripped off the oxygen mask from my brother before shoving another mask over his face that had what looked to be a clear football on the end of it. Eric started pushing on the football, forcing air into my brother's chest.

"I need a set of vitals," Greg urged Rhonda as she handed him a green cloth covered tray.

"Come on, kid. Don't let that bastard win!" Eric spoke lowly, but we all heard him. He looked at me and then motioned back to Ponyboy.

"Pony, you start breathing, do you hear me?" I hollered at him like I did the night he ran away, and smashed my hand down onto the mattress beside his shoulder.

"Darry!" My actions upset Sodapop, but I'd do anything it took to get my youngest brother to breathe, even if that meant physical force.

"His heart rate is dropping," Rhonda stated out loud while she began taking my brother's blood pressure.

"Pony, Goddamit if you don't start breathing, I'll skin you, do you understand?" My voice boomed throughout the room.

"Darry!" Soda cried and tried to pull me away from our little brother, but I didn't budge.

"Shhhh! Stop it everyone!" Eric yelled as he dropped the mask and grabbed the stethoscope from around Dr. Allain's neck. He put it on and then held the bell to Pony's chest.

The room was deathly quiet as Eric was hunched over my brother, listening for some sign of life from him. Soda was clinging to my left arm. My right arm was supporting my weight on the bed next to Pony's shoulder. I didn't realize I'd been holding my own breath until I heard the turbulent grating noise coming from my youngest brother.

"Okay, okay. That's good, Pony! Keep it up, buddy!" Eric caught my eye and nodded to me while he switched back to the other mask, giving oxygen to my brother.

"Eric?" Greg asked.

"His airway's the shits, but he's breathing." Eric replied.

"Swollen?" Greg asked again.

"Yep. He's been tugging on the tubing since he came to yesterday." Eric commented.

"Okay, let's start some epi and prednisone on him and I want a blood gas. Get some pictures of his chest while we're at it." Dr. Allain was listing off his orders.

"What's going on?" I asked, scared as hell.

I looked down at Ponyboy as his color slowly came back to something resembling the living. His eyes were closed, but I noticed the tears that leaked out from the outer corners of them. His breathing was ragged and loud and irregular, but he was breathing nonetheless and I allowed myself a brief period of relief.

"We got him back, _diganeli_ ," Eric whispered, nodding his head and grinning.

"He's breathing?" I could hear Pony breathing as loud as a freight train, but I had to be reassured that it wasn't just me imagining it.

"He's breathing. We'll keep him on the oxygen and give him some medication to help him. His throat is swollen from the tube."

I nodded as I let out my own shaky breath, reached back behind me and grabbed onto Soda pulling him closer. I tried to steady my nerves, but I knew it was going to be a slow process. I'd seen Dallas Winston shot down dead in the street, but nothing on earth could've prepared me for what I witnessed in that small hospital room. I'd seen the life and spirit of my brother float out of his body, and then watched as it slowly fluttered back.

Rhonda scrambled around the opposite side of the bed. She unhooked Pony from his IV line and drew blood from the site in his neck before reattaching him. She handed the blood off to Eric who quickly left the room, and then she hurriedly started giving medication through the IV.

"We're going to have to take him out for a while." Greg put a firm hand on my shoulder while I stood transfixed, watching to make sure my brother's chest still moved up and down, even though I could still hear him.

"Huh?" I looked over to Greg unclear if he had spoken, and if so, what he said.

"Darrel, we need to take an x-ray of your brother's chest, okay?" He repeated.

"Yeah, okay. Can we come?" I asked while I returned my eyes back to the rise and fall of Ponyboy's chest.

"Afraid not, Darrel. It's okay. We'll be twenty minutes tops, alright? In the meantime, you look like you could use a break and get something to eat, okay?"

"No, I think I should come. What if something happens and I'm not there?" I was becoming paranoid that something else was going to happen.

"Darrel, we'll be twenty minutes. Nothing's gonna happen, okay. We'll have him back before you even know we're gone."

Greg could sense my reluctance to leave Ponyboy alone in their care. "Darrel, he's going to be okay."

I looked at him and barely nodded as Rhonda connected my brother up to a tank of oxygen that was underneath the bed, and released the brakes. Eric returned by this time and handed a slip of paper over to Greg, who's face I couldn't read but it looked concerned.

"We'll be right back, you two," was all he said as he, Eric, and Rhonda rolled my brother out of the room.

I turned around and Sodapop grabbed me by my shirt and pulled me to him. The hug was fierce as we both seemed to gasp and try to catch our breath; horrified by what just happened. Soda's eyes were dry, but his body was trembling. I squeezed him tight before rubbing his back briskly; gave him a pat on the back before breaking contact with him.

"Holy shit," Soda whispered as his eyes closed and he shook his head while running his fingers through his hair. "I'm so sorry, Darry. I was so scared. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. He's okay." I said aloud, but something in the back of my head was gnawing away at me and giving me a sense of unease.

"Darry, what are we gonna do?" Soda asked desperately, maybe sensing my own disbelief; that the worst was yet to come and our brother wasn't going to be alright after all.

"We're gonna do whatever it takes. I'm not giving up on him." I knew that much to be true.

Soda and I paced the small room, lost in our own shock and lost in our own thoughts. It had only been fifteen minutes, and Pony and his bed were being wheeled back into the room accompanied by Eric, Greg, and Rhonda. Pony was still unconscious, but he looked a lot better than he had before leaving for the x-ray.

Soda rushed to the bedside as Rhonda and Eric helped set him back into the room; rearranging IV lines and oxygen tubing. I looked at Greg, and I could tell he knew where my head was at. He smiled softly and walked over to me, grabbing my shoulder and patting it.

"It's alright, Darrel. He's okay. We've got his oxygen down. He's responding well to the medication."

"What about his x-ray?" I asked nervously.

"There's a slight collapse to that right lung. You know as well as I do that he took a real beating to that side, Darry. We'll keep a close watch over him. If it gets worse we'll have to insert another chest tube."

"Goddamit," I sighed, just overwhelmed, frustrated, and terrified.

"Darrel, he'll be okay. It's painful, but he'll be okay with it. I'm going to change some of his antibiotics over, and that'll help his lung heal."

I nodded as I tried to swallow down how close I was to breaking down. "Thank you," was all I could manage to choke out before I headed back towards my usual seat by Pony's bedside.

Greg left the room, and then eventually Eric and Rhonda stepped out and I watched as Soda shuffled uncomfortably at Pony's bedside. He put a hand on his brother's head, and then rubbed his shoulder, and then ran his hand through his own hair. He was afraid and looked absolutely lost.

"Soda, do you need your medicine?" I could see the stress level rise in him, and I didn't want to add another emotional outburst onto an already terrifying day.

"Maybe," Soda answered, but didn't make a move. He just kept staring at Pony.

"Hey, little buddy. Why don't you crawl up there with him?" I frowned as I watched my middle brother shuffle back and forth.

"What if I pull something out?" Soda was starting to get choked up. He looked as exhausted as I felt.

I got up from my chair and walked to the right side of the bed. Gently, I moved an arm behind Pony's neck, and another behind his knees and gently pulled him over, leaving more room on the left side of his bed. With the side rail up, I made my way over to Soda.

"Kick off your shoes. Get in." I nodded my head and watched as Soda slipped his shoes off and eased his way next to Ponyboy.

"I don't wanna hurt him." Soda said softly as he carefully laid down on his side next to his brother.

"You're not gonna hurt him, Soda. It's probably the best medicine he can get right now." I knew how much Ponyboy loved Sodapop, and knew in my heart it was the truth.

I raised the bed rail behind Soda, and then rubbed his head lightly. It didn't take long for Soda to find a comfortable spot after moving his arm gently behind Pony's shoulders, and throwing his other arm around his torso. Rhonda made her way into the room to protest, but I shook my head; my eyes pleaded with her to let this one action pass. After taking a deep breath and sighing, she nodded and made her way back to her station outside of the door.

I moved a chair over to the side of the bed closest to Pony and my eyes automatically studied his chest, and the now steady rise and fall. Even in his sleep, I could tell he sensed his brother beside him. His head turned towards Sodapop, and Soda wrapped his arms around Ponyboy tighter. I straightened my legs out, getting comfortable for keeping watch, and guarding the two most important people in my life.


	17. Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

The night started out quiet except for the constant high-pitched wheezing coming from Ponyboy every time he took a breath. The noise was cause for a lot of concern to me. His airway was swollen, making it difficult for him to breathe. On the other hand, the noise was of comfort as well. As long as I could hear him, I didn’t have to guess whether or not he was still alive.

I sat watch over my two brothers, keeping a close eye on them both. Soda looked more settled than he had in months; his arms protectively wrapped around Ponyboy. Despite the troubles Pony had after the removal of his breathing tube, he looked surprisingly peaceful curled up next to Sodapop. I wished desperately that the beating he took to his body and head would also take away any memory of the horrors he had to face alone for the two months he was taken away.

It was around three in the morning when I noticed Ponyboy stir, and any hope of him not remembering what had been done to him burned into ash as I watched his face contort and his body jump sporadically as he dreamt about things I couldn’t even stomach to think about. It was more than the usual nightmares he’d had in the past. I could tell by his face and movements that he was trying to get away from that monster.

I watched worriedly as his arms shot out, pushing Soda away unknowingly while he cried in silence as his throat would only let the sound of its own collapse escape. He pulled at his oxygen mask, ripping it off and the monitor checking his heart rate alarmed as he became more and more distraught. I stood up from my chair as Rhonda came in to check on Pony, but her attempts at calming him down only further agitated him.

Soda woke with a start when Pony began writhing around on the bed, fighting against any comfort that Rhonda was trying to provide. His eyes were closed tight as he fought against the nurse and his brother, and I quickly moved to intervene when I noticed the color around his lips turn a blueish hue, and noticed a small pool of blood on the bedsheet.

"He pulled out his IV!" Rhonda sounded alarmed as she tried to tend to Pony’s arm where the IV had dislodged, but he was moving around too quickly and too violently.

"Shhhh…c’mon Pony. It’s okay, honey. You gotta calm down, you’re hurting yourself." Soda tried to soothe our brother, but Pony continued to fight against Sodapop.

"He can’t breathe!" I shot out. Watching my brother starve for oxygen once was enough to make me not ever want to see it again. His breath caught raggedly in his throat with each attempt, and the blue around his mouth seemed to get more intense.

"I need help!" Rhonda hollered out, and soon two other nurses rushed into the room to help.

"What’s going on?" Asked one of the nurses.

"I need to get his oxygen mask back on him. His oxygen is dropping."

"Shhhh…Pony, please. Please calm down. We ain’t gonna hurt you, honey." Soda tried again to settle Ponyboy, but it only seemed to make him more upset. The tears started leaking from my youngest brother’s eyes and his mouth started moving while the tears shook his body.

"I think he’s trying to say something," Rhonda commented as her and one of the other nurses tried to place the oxygen mask over Pony’s face.

"Stop!" Soda cried out. "What is it, honey? What are you trying to say?"

Pony continued to shake as he struggled to fight, and struggled to breathe. His mouth was moving, but his head was turned towards Sodapop, and I couldn’t make out what he was saying. I felt useless standing there with no idea how to help my brother, and not knowing what it was he was crying out for.

"He wants Darry," Sodapop looked up at me in a panic, and I was sure I’d misheard him.

"Pony? I’m right here." I said out loud so Ponyboy would know that I was in the room with him.

"No, Darry. Get over here, he wants you." Soda instructed, and I felt out of place.

This wasn’t my forte. This wasn’t my comfort zone. Soda was the only one Ponyboy ever wanted when he needed to be comforted. I felt a sort of awkwardness as I made my way to the other side of the bed. I looked at Soda like there was some sort of mistake, but Sodapop eased his way out of the bed, and then gently pushed me towards our brother. I shook my head and hoped for some sort of instruction. I had no idea what to do, but Sodapop just backed away.

"Ponyboy," I said softly as I brought a knee up to the bed, and leaned over to touch his face.

Rhonda and the other nurse struggled to place the oxygen mask on Pony, while another nurse was at the foot of the bed, cranking the top of the bed up so that it was elevated. Pony’s eyes opened, and he reached out with his right hand, and tried to grab for me, but he was just too weak.

"Okay," I moved my hand from his face, and slowly slid my arm under his neck, while my other arm moved under his legs and I lifted him carefully while I tried to move myself onto the bed. I knew the move was too soon; his eyes rolled back while he tried to scream, but the only sound emanating from him was the wheezing whirl his throat would allow.

"I’m sorry, baby," I whispered softly as I maneuvered myself onto the hospital bed and managed to settle Ponyboy’s body across my lap. I grabbed the oxygen mask from the nurses and held it to his face while his head melted into my shoulder and he gasped for air.

"Watch his IV and the catheter." Rhonda said aloud as she checked the IV line in right side of Pony’s neck. One of the other nurses tried to check his catheter, but Ponyboy shifted his leg so that she couldn’t see. I looked down and saw that it was still in place and waved the nurse away.

"It’s okay, Pony. It’s okay. I’m not gonna let anyone hurt you, okay? You’re safe. Nobody’s ever gonna hurt you again."

It was the same chant I’d been repeating for over a month, and I meant it. I’d watch over him day and night and never sleep again if that’s what it took to keep him safe. I knew none of our lives would ever be the same again. We were changed forever.

Pony closed his eyes and I could feel his body relax as he half-sat-half-laid across my legs. He clutched my shirt with his right hand, and I could hear his breathing improve with the oxygen and him semi-upright while leaning against me. Sodapop edged towards us, bringing up the sheet and tucking it around Pony and covering his naked and exposed body. Soda sat on the edge of the bed, letting Pony’s legs cover his thigh.

"I don’t know about this. I think I’m doing this wrong." I looked at Soda as I tightened my arms around our little brother.

"You’re doing great, Darry. Look at him. You got him all settled." Soda grinned and reached over to pet the side of Pony’s face.

"This isn’t exactly protocol, but thank you, boys." Rhonda gave us a small smile while she nodded to the other nurses and they left the room.

"His arm is still bleeding. I’d like to see it if I could." Rhonda pointed to Ponyboy’s left arm that was bent and tucked firmly in between his side, and my torso.

"Can we do it tomorrow?" Soda asked as his hand continued to stroke the side of Pony’s face. "He’s finally calm."

Rhonda paused, but then nodded in agreement before addressing me. "If you notice it bleeding more, or if he starts fussing over it, let me know. For now, we can leave it until morning."

"Thank you, Rhonda," I said softly.

"Thank you," Soda repeated.

With Soda’s help, we managed to fasten to the oxygen mask around Ponyboy’s head. His color had improved; he was out like a light and didn’t move an inch. I shuffled myself into a more comfortable position without bothering Pony, and Soda sat down on the chair at the bedside, pushing it up against the bed, and stretched over and laid his head down. I waited until I heard his breathing even out and slow down, telling me he’d fallen asleep before I let my own eyes close.

* * *

I felt gentle tugging on the sheet that was wrapped around Ponyboy, and instinctively I grabbed a hold of it and wrapped it and my arms around him tighter. I could sense that a good chunk of time had passed despite my eyes still being closed. The influx of voices and sounds from outside the room told me it was regular operating hours.

The gentle tugging persisted, and I held Pony’s head to my shoulder with my left hand, while I defensively gripped the intruding hand that was trying to uncover my brother. I opened my eyes to a very shocked looking Dr. Allain.

"Whoa, Darry," he gently pulled my hand off of him, and backed up slightly, moving his hands above his head in surrender.

"I just wanted to have a listen to him breathe, Darry. I wasn’t going to hurt him." Greg explained softly.

I leaned my head back and took a deep breath while I closed my eyes. "I’m sorry," I mumbled as I slowly lowered the sheet from Pony’s shoulder, and kept a firm grip of it just under his middle back, keeping as much of him covered as I could. Pony didn’t move; he was as settled as he had been when I first started holding him.

"I heard it was a rough night." Greg nodded while he watched me carefully, and brought his stethoscope up to Pony’s back to listen.

I didn’t respond, I just held Pony tighter as Greg did his doctor thing. I suddenly had an irrational urge to grab my brother and run all the way home with him, but I knew Pony needed more help than I was able to give him. Greg moved to the other side of the bed, carefully bypassing a still sleeping Sodapop, and gave me a pointed look; silently asking permission to continue examining Ponyboy. I shifted in the bed, turning Pony slightly so that Greg could listen to the front of his chest and have a better look at him. Pony remained limp and accommodating to my movements.

"His chest sounds good this morning. Hopefully the new medications have started working. Less work of breathing." I wasn’t sure if he was talking to himself, or me.

Pony’s right arm moved to cover his chest as the stethoscope moved next to his nipple, and I immediately pushed Greg away without even thinking about it. Greg backed off quickly, and watched again as I grabbed the sheet and covered up my brother. Pony remained asleep.

"Are you okay, Darrel?" He asked calmly.

I shook my head as I didn’t know how to answer him. I just tightened my arms around Pony, protecting him from anything that would hurt him or make him uncomfortable.

"You know I wouldn’t hurt your brother, right?"

I looked at Greg, and shook my head again, not knowing what to say. I turned my head and kissed the stubble that was now Pony’s hair, and held his head closer to me as I avoided any eye contact with Greg.

"You guys are amazing. I’ve never seen anything like it before. It really takes my breath away." Greg looked thoughtfully as the comment seemed to slip from his mouth before he could take it back. He looked at me awkwardly, almost apologetically.

"We’re all we have." I said simply as I was finally able to look Greg in the eye.

Greg nodded, and then frowned. "I’m sorry this happened, Darrel. This shouldn’t happen to anyone, let alone someone who’s never had a break before. Please trust me; I’d never do anything intentional to hurt Ponyboy, but I need to take a look at him to make sure he’s alright."

I’m not sure why I got choked up at that moment, but I could feel my eyes start to sting, and the lump form in my throat as I nodded and carefully eased the sheet covering Ponyboy down and off him. I shifted Pony gently on my lap so that Greg had full access to him. My hands cradled Pony’s head as Greg’s hands quickly and gently moved down my brother’s body, looking for and assessing old and new injuries.

I watched Greg’s caring expression with every move he made with my brother. He was careful with every touch he had to make. His face turned to concern as he tried to look at the IV site Ponyboy had pulled in the middle of the night. Pony’s left arm seemed to be locked, not able to straighten without a lot of force exerted by Greg.

"No, no, no, no. Don’t you dare." Greg spoke under his breath as he pulled a small flashlight from his pocket.

"What’s wrong?" I asked as I tried to sit up higher in the bed without disturbing Ponyboy.

"Darrel, was Pony having any trembling during the night that you noticed?"

"No, he was thrashing a bit. He was having a nightmare, or was remembering things. I don’t know. He asked for me, so I crawled in here so he’d feel safer. What’s going on?"

Greg pushed up on one of Pony’s eyelids and flashed the light in his eye before turning to the other and doing the same. He sighed and closed his eyes while he placed the flashlight back into his jacket pocket, then grabbed for the sheet and slowly covered my brother up in it. He waved and caught the attention of Susan, who was Pony’s nurse for the day.

"When did you check him last?" He asked

"About twenty minutes before you arrived. I got his vital signs, and checked his breathing." She answered.

"Was he trembling? Staring? Did you notice anything unusual?"

"No, Doctor. I was actually pleased to hear him breathing easier if you want the truth."

"I need you to start a loading dose of Dilantin right now. Next time you have a patient with a head injury, do me a favor and do some neuro-vital signs."

"What’s wrong, doc? What’s going on?" I asked, the panic rising again.

"He’s seizing, Darrel. Ponyboy is having seizures."


	18. Eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

It had been the longest, most torturous six months of my life. Between losing Ponyboy to the State, and dealing with and trying to accept what had been done to him in the foster home; not even the loss of our parents had affected me so drastically. It was painful when mom and dad died suddenly in that car wreck, but losing my brother to the hands of someone so twisted and vile was something I couldn't bear, no matter how hard I tried.

Weeks had passed, and I thought our prayers would be answered and Ponyboy would come out of the horror relatively in one piece. But as those weeks carried on, the damage done to his brain slowly unveiled itself. Weeks of seizures that couldn't be controlled took their toll on my youngest brother until there was nothing more to do than to keep him so medicated, he was barely living. He travelled back and forth from PICU, to the step-down unit so many times I'd finally lost count, and lost hope.

The seizures were finally controlled, but the damage had already been done. Ponyboy laid listless and withdrawn. He didn't speak or acknowledge anyone; just stared off into space, in his own little world where nobody could reach him. His left arm was permanently contracted at the elbow; the hand twisted outward in a fist. His left leg was also going to be forever turned inward making his leg mostly useless. Once a track star at his school, now he was lucky to ever be able to walk again.

I had no plan and I had no idea what the right thing to do for my brother was. Part of me wondered if all the fighting was worth it in the end. Life for all of us was about to drastically change again. How were we going to take care of him without the help of people like Greg and Eric? Were we capable? How was I going to continue on with two jobs, when my brother needed around the clock care? Did I even have work to return to? Could we afford this with the medical supplies that we would now need? I didn't know the answers to these questions. I didn't even know where to start except that I wanted to take my brother home, and so we finally did.

* * *

Fifteen weeks and one and a half days later I was surprised to find we still had a place to call home. It felt surreal pulling dad's old Ford into the driveway, like it was a dream happening to somebody else except I was the one behind the steering wheel. The house looked the same, and yet it'd been so long since I'd been there it almost seemed unfamiliar.

It was late January, and the scuff of snow on the ground reminded me of everything we'd missed. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and two birthdays. I turned the ignition off and sighed before turning to look over to my right. Soda had his arm wrapped around Pony's frail frame, and moved to open the door to the cab of the truck.

"Just wait. I'll get it, hold on." I said tiredly as I opened my own door, slid out and made my way over to the other side of the truck.

The passenger door creaked and moaned as I pulled it open for Sodapop. Ponyboy didn't react; he just remained slouched in the middle of the seat; staring off into nowhere, clad in hospital acquired pajamas. Soda quietly slid out of the truck and made his way up to the house as I reached in to gather our brother. His body was limp and he offered no resistance as I slid one hand behind his neck, and the other behind his legs and hauled him out of the cab.

I kicked the door closed and made my way up to the house. Soda was waiting, holding the screen door open for me and Pony. When I walked in, I headed straight for Soda and Ponyboy's room with Sodapop in tow. He rushed in before me, pulling back the covers of their bed so I could lay Pony down. We both seemed to watch him; each pulling off a slipper, both of us pulling up on the blankets, successfully tucking him in.

"I can't believe we're actually here," Soda murmured quietly as he crawled up towards the head of the bed and laid out beside his brother. He turned on his side towards Ponyboy and softly began rubbing his head.

"Me either, little buddy." I commented as I stood up straight, and ran a hand through my hair.

"You look like shit, Darry." Soda frowned as he looked up at me, and I just scoffed at him.

"Right, Mr. Universe. Why don't you catch a few z's? I'll grab the supplies from the truck then see if we have anything here that's remotely edible and get started on supper."

"What about Pony, Darry?"

I looked at the tube that was affixed to Ponyboy's right cheek. It was a feeding tube they had to insert into his stomach from his nose because he was no longer able to eat.

"I got a few cans of that stuff from Greg. I think he swiped about a month's supply of crap for us. I'll go get it."

"That guy's gotta be related to Two-Bit." Soda mumbled as he threw an arm around his brother and huddled in close.

I wanted to grin, but I was just too damned tired, and I knew everything we'd forgotten about in the last three and a half months was now waiting for me.

"Get some sleep, Pepsi-Cola. I'll wake you for supper, okay?"

"Mmmm…" Soda mumbled sleepily.

I shut the door quietly and made my way out to the truck. I reached over the side and grabbed the bags of supplies that would hopefully hold us until I could figure out how to get back to work and still have my brother looked after. There was another bag with the stuffed horse I'd bought Pony from the gift shop. I headed into the house with what we'd accumulated, and dropped the bags when I finally looked around, and noticed how clean the house really was.

I knew that both Steve and Two-Bit had been staying at the house and helped out by keeping things neat and organized, but the house looked spotless. I slowly made my way into the kitchen to find it in the same condition. The dishes were put away, the countertops free of clutter. I turned back towards the kitchen table and there was a bowl of fruit and an envelope. No newspaper. No pile of unopened bills. I slowly made my way to the kitchen and grabbed the envelope that was addressed to me, and opened it carefully.

_Darry,_

_We know things didn't turn out the way we all hoped, but we're behind you every step of the way. Thank you for the use of the house. We tried to keep it the same as you left it, but we woulda had to have a few parties to junk it up a bit. The bills are squared away so don't worry and don't even try to give us grief about it. We may only be greasers but we take care of our own._

_Two-Bit_

_P.S. Call Mr. Garver. He's been phoning about you._

I dropped the note and covered my face in my hands; my elbows resting on the table. I couldn't believe what our friends had done for us. There was no way I could ever repay them, and my pride would've insisted on paying them back every penny, but I was too worn out to protest. It was a huge light at the end of a very dark, cold, endless tunnel. We didn't have much in life, but we had friends that pulled out all the stops to keep us on our feet.

I didn't know if it was because my brother was essentially gone, or if it was because I was overwhelmed by our friends, but my heart hurt and a thousand thoughts were racing in and out of my head. I was about to get up and fetch the bags of supplies from the doorway, but I decided to rest my head down on my arms for a minute while I tried to silence my racing head.

After a few minutes, I felt hands rubbing my shoulders and I could've just sat there letting them do their magic, but I knew there was a load of things that I needed to do. I sat up, my eyes still closed as I reached over and patted Soda's hand in appreciation, but wondered why he wasn't asleep with Pony.

"What are you doing up? I thought you were going to lay down for awhile; I haven't even started on supper, little buddy."

He didn't answer me, just continued rubbing my shoulders.

"How's Ponyboy? He knocked out, or is he still awake?"

"I'm okay, Darry. You gonna be okay?"

I whipped around in shock to find my baby brother standing there behind me in the kitchen. His hair was long and dark and greased back like he used to always wear it. He was wearing the same clothes he had the night him and Johnnycake went missing; that old blue shirt that used to belong to Sodapop, and jeans. He looked exactly as he had before, looking like nothing ever happened to him this past year.

"Pony…" My voice seemed to get caught in my throat.

I didn't know what to say or do except grab him by the arm and pull him into me so I could hold him.

"I'm sorry, Darry." Pony's voice was muffled into my neck. I was holding him as tight as I could, afraid he'd slip away if I let go.

"Shush. You've got nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one that messed this up, kiddo. I'm the one that caused all of this. I'm the one to blame, and I'm the one that should be sorry. And I am Pony. I'm so sorry, baby." I cried and felt Ponyboy's arms tighten around me.

"It ain't your fault, Darry." Pony pulled back and looked at me seriously. "You gave everything up for me; I know that now. I'm sorry I forgot. I'll try harder."

"Pony, it ain't that. I'd do it all over again; wouldn't change a thing. You're everything, you got that? You're my brother and I'd do anything for you. I love you, savvy?" I wanted him to understand.

"Then why are you giving up on me?"

"What?"

Suddenly Ponyboy seemed to morph. His hair that he was always so proud of disappeared into little more than stubble on his head. His body shrank; weak and fragile and twenty pounds lighter. His left arm was twisted and contorted along with his left leg, making him look like a cripple. His eyes lost their dreamy look and now held the after effects of somebody who'd been to war and lost the battle.

"Pony," I cried as my hand cupped his face in both of my hands.

"Don't give up on me, Darry." Ponyboy was pleading with me. "I'm still here, I just need time."

"Whatever it takes, little buddy." I promised him while I brought him back into me and squeezed him tight.

"I knew you'd find me, Darry. I knew it'd be you." Pony whispered as he slipped out of my grasp and faded away.

My head bolted up as I gasped for air; blinking hard and trying to clear my eyes to make sure I knew where I was. I rubbed my face, and tried to control my breathing, thinking about how it was usually Ponyboy having the weird dreams, and now here I was with the wild imagination. I almost laughed in spite of myself. I could still feel Pony's arms around me, and it made me feel a little uneasy. I pushed myself up from the kitchen table and headed for the boy's room.

I quietly opened the door and slipped in. They both had their eyes closed, and Pony was wrapped up in his brother's arms. I eased my way over, and slowly sat on the edge of the bed next to Ponyboy. I watched him sleep for awhile, and wondered crazily if these dreams I was having had any meaning to them. I let my hand hold the left side of Pony's face; my thumb stroking his cheek softly while my mind wandered off, thinking about my dreams and what they were maybe trying to tell me.

I moved my hand up, and gently rubbed Pony's head while I leaned over and just pressed my forehead to his for a moment, still thinking and maybe hoping he was locked away inside of himself. I quickly kissed him and sat up. Pony's eyes were open and looking right at me, as if to answer my question.

"I'm not ever giving up on you, you hear me?" I spoke quietly to him.

Pony didn't move or respond in any way, he just stared at me. I stared back, almost challenging him to break out of his stupor. Our eyes were in a dead lock for a long while until my back started giving me grief for being bent over my brother. I gave a sigh as I looked down, looked back at him and stuck my tongue out at him.

It was barely a grin, but Pony's eyes sparkled back at me, and I then realized that that dream happened for a reason. I smiled down at him, leaned back over to kiss him on the side of his head. His arm moved, and I could feel the familiar tickle of his fingers as they dragged through my beard.

I sat up laughing. "Is that what this is about? My beard? Did Sodapop put you up to this?"

Pony furrowed his eyebrows while his mouth twisted into a frown. His eyebrows then shot up, and I could've swore that his face was trying to say words that his voice wasn't able to. I smiled and laughed at his newfound antics, and I knew I was crying to. My brother was still in there, clawing at the scars and the horror, trying to make his way back.

"We're home, kiddo." I sniffed as I watched his face slowly come to life. "We're home, and you're safe."

I leaned over and kissed the side of his head again.

"You're safe. Nobody'll ever hurt you again, Pony. I promise you."

Ponyboy's face suddenly looked sad. He blinked at me a few times, and I noticed the tears threatening to fall.

"Shhhh…it's gonna be okay. Shut your eyes and get some sleep. I'll go get rid of this thing." I told him while I rubbed my cheek and chin.

Pony's grin was more obvious this time, and then his eyes closed; doing as he was told. I stayed on the edge of the bed for awhile until I knew he'd fallen back to sleep. I watched the both of my brothers, and thought about how our friends pulled together to do what they could to keep us afloat. Life had been one challenge after another following the death of my parents, but I still felt fortunate. Everything that meant anything to me in life was everything I already had.


	19. Nineteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

"Where the hell did I put those things?"

I was in my bedroom mumbling to myself while I searched the closet for a set of pajamas I’d had years ago but never wore. I normally preferred to sleep without anything on, but things were probably going to need to change now that Ponyboy was home. I had a hunch that me and Sodapop walking around with no clothes on was going to be a new source of discomfort; not that we did it all the time, but we were brothers and never had to think about these things until now.

I gave up on the closet and rummaged through the drawers of my dresser. Finally, after about ten minutes of rifling through shirts and shorts and socks, I found an old pair of bottoms from God knows when. I grabbed them, and held them up for size and they looked good, so I brought them along with me to the bathroom so I could clean up.

The shower was a vast improvement from being hunched over the sink in a public bathroom for the better part of three months. There are a lot of strange looks given while you’re essentially trying to bathe in a shallow bowl just so you don’t offend anyone that’s standing in your vicinity. I had the luxury of being able to enjoy the hot spray without having to rush back anywhere, and it felt good.

I slipped into the pajama bottoms after I’d dried off, and used the towel to wipe the steam off the mirror. I took a good look at myself in the mirror and decided that Sodapop was right; I looked like shit, and most likely _was_ scaring the hell out of Ponyboy.

"Smart ass, thinks he knows everything." I muttered while grinning, and opened the medicine chest to grab my shaving gear.

I took the grooming scissors, deciding to cut as much beard as I could off so I wouldn’t risk dulling the blade of my razor. I then took my time lathering my face with shaving cream, and paused for a bit looking at my reflection. I didn’t fully recognize myself. My eyes looked dull and sunken in. I realized I’d lost a bit of weight too. Stress has a way of slowly trying to kill a person, and I‘d certainly had my fill of it for a while.

With each swipe of my razor, I felt more and more like myself again. The months shed away with every patch of unscathed skin I saw. When the job was done, I turned on the faucet, leaned over and splashed the hot water over my face and ran a hand over the newly exposed skin. It felt like I was discovering my face for the first time. I felt ready to deal with the world. I cleaned up, and made my way out of the bathroom once I was finished.

I made it to the front door and I grabbed the bags full of supplies and moved them out of the way before I headed for the kitchen. I stared dumbfounded as I opened the ice box to decide what to make for supper. Chocolate milk, eggs, bacon, butter, meat, lettuce, and of course beer; it was full. I made my way to the pantry cupboard to open it, and for a second I thought I was in the wrong house. It was full too. I stood back in wonder. The bills were paid, the house was cleaner than I’d left it, and food was stocked. I was half convinced that our friends had lifted the local grocer, and wondered if I should be worried rather than thankful. I grabbed a box of spaghetti and a can of sauce; something fast and easy that would stretch out. While I set the pot of water to boil, I heard the familiar banter coming through the front door.

"Hey, anybody home?" It was Two-Bit.

"Yeah, in here. Try to keep it down."

"Well, hello there eldest Curtis! How does it feel to be a civilian again?" Two-Bit was grinning like a Cheshire cat as he approached me and slapped me on the back.

"How ya doin’, Two-Bit?" I turned and grabbed his hand for a friendly shake, then punched him lightly on the shoulder.

"Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, Darry. But y’know, I kinda liked the bear look." Two-Bit joked as he poked my newly shaved face.

"I’ll bet," I retorted as I kept an eye out for the water. "Should I be worried about the cops visiting me? Accusing me of hitting up Sobieski’s store?"

"Awe, Darry. It’s a birthday present from me and Stevie."

"It ain’t my birthday. You staying for dinner?" I asked absently as I added salt to the pot of water.

Two-Bit broke out into his signature laughter. "Why the hell do ya think I brought food over?"

I turned briefly to grin at him, and then turned back to the stove and watched for the water to start boiling.

"Soda and the kid asleep?" Two-Bit asked as he sat down at the table and eyed me curiously.

"Yeah, since we walked in. I’ll wake Soda up when supper’s ready."

"How is Ponyboy?" Two-Bit’s laughing eyes faded slightly; his grin disappeared.

I shrugged as I honestly didn’t know how to answer the question, especially given my latest interaction with my brother. I felt like things could still go either way.

"We’ll see," was all I could say.

"So, anybody hear from that foster dad? Was he the one driving the car?"

My jaw clenched as I felt my stomach turn to ice. I didn’t want to think about him, I just wanted to enjoy the moment and be thankful that Ponyboy made it home, no matter how much recovery he still needed. I could feel my blood pressure rise; my pulse was loud and thumping in my ears as I grabbed the wooden spoon and pointlessly stirred the pot of water. My hand was trembling ever so slightly, and I hoped that Two-Bit didn’t notice.

"Nah, haven’t heard anything." I answered quietly, wishing for a change in the topic of conversation.

"Huh," Two-Bit shook his head. "That the story you’re sticking to, or are you gonna tell me what the fuck really happened?"

I sighed long and slow and then turned to look at him. His one eyebrow cocked up, and I wondered how long he’d suspected there was no car accident. There was no amused expression on his face, he wasn’t gloating about the fact that he was smarter than I took him for. There was a part of me that thought Two-Bit and Steve needed and deserved to know what really happened to Ponyboy, but there was also that voice telling me it wasn’t right, that it should be Pony’s decision who knew about what he went through besides his family.

I looked at Two-Bit and shook my head. "I don’t know what to tell you. It ain’t my place."

"That the guy beat the shit out of your brother? C’mon, Darry. We’ve been in enough battles for me to know what’s what. You don’t think I’ve noticed the marks on his wrists. It ain’t the first story I’ve heard about what goes on in foster homes."

"That was no home. It was a goddam prison and a nightmare." I rubbed over my face with a hand while I turned back to the stove and watched the water.

"Pony tell you what happened?"

I shook my head as the images of my brother forced themselves into my mind. "No, I found him," was all I could manage to get out.

"How the hell did you find him?"

"I made our social worker an offer she couldn’t refuse." I sighed as I turned the heat off from the stove, realizing this wasn’t a conversation that I was going to get out of anytime soon.

"I woulda liked to see that," Two-Bit grinned, but stopped quickly when he saw my face.

I made my way over to the table and sat down adjacent from Two-Bit; staring at my hands uncomfortably as they fidgeted like they had a mind of their own. I wasn’t prepared to answer more questions about the day I’d found Ponyboy at the foster "home". I think in the back of my mind, I was hoping one day I’d be able to forget about it even though I knew it’d be unlikely.

"It’s a funny thing," Two-Bit spoke quietly. "Losing Dallas and Johnny like we did made me realize that we’re family, man. I have my mom for the most part and all that, but you guys are family. You, Soda, Pony. It may not be blood, Darry, but Pony’s my brother too, man."

I looked at Two-Bit and leaned back in my chair and watched him. He was the jokester of our gang, and I never thought before now that he had the capacity for a conversation like we were having. I nodded at him; his words meant a lot to me. He _was_ more than just a friend. He _was_ a brother.

"He had his way with Pony; beat him and left him for dead. Was barely breathing when me and the social worker got into the house."

Two-Bit’s eyes blazed with a hatred I don’t think I’d ever seen, even when we were at odds with the Socs. He shook his head and looked away from me, and I could tell he was choosing his next words carefully, which wasn’t really his style. Two-Bit generally blabbed out whatever was on his mind.

"Not bad enough they beat up little kids, but now they’re feeling ‘em up too? So, where the fuck is this loser? When are we goin’ after him?"

"It was more than coppin’ a feel, Two-Bit," I shook my head and looked away. "I gotta focus on my brother right now. I can’t be high tailing it across the state looking for this freak. I don’t even know what’s gonna happen with Ponyboy at this point."

"Nobody’s expecting you to leave Ponyboy, Darry. You got a whole army of guys ready to do your bidding, just say the word."

My head whipped around at Two-Bit’s words. Words I’d already heard before. It was Deja-vu.

"What’d you say?" My dream about Dally had come back.

"C’mon, Darry. The whole East side is full of guys who’ll hunt this animal down. Say the word. Man, I never thought you’d back out like this, especially when it came to your brothers." Two-Bit looked at me with a shocked expression.

"Keith, I’m fucking tired. Every time I shut my fucking eyes I see that guy all over Pony." I pointed to my ear and continued, "I hear Pony screaming for me, begging me to get him off him. I can smell the shit and the waste that was in that fucking room where I found him, okay? I’m fucking tired, and I wanna scream, and I wanna fucking rip the head off of that son of a bitch and shit down his throat and make him pay, alright?"

"Alright, man. That’s more like it!" Two-Bit grinned and nodded at me.

I couldn’t find the words to talk any further. I shook my head and looked away while I tried to calm down. I heard the bedroom door to the boy’s room open and softly close, and I watched as Sodapop tiredly shuffled his way into the kitchen.

"Hey, Darry. Supper gonna be done soon? I’m starvin’, man. Hey, Two-Bit! You gonna stay?" Soda looked as tired as I felt.

"Hey, Soda. Just waiting for the water to boil itself while Darry goes on strike." Two-Bit laughed manically and gave me a wink.

"Sorry, little buddy. Spaghetti okay?" I got up from the table and went to the stove, turning the burner back on to boil the water.

"Sounds great. Shit, we haven’t had spaghetti in forever. You want any help?"

"Are we having purple spaghetti?" I teased.

"Only if you want."

Soda leaned into me and talked in a low voice so Two-Bit couldn’t overhear. "I think Pony needs a change."

Soda looked at me awkwardly, and I understood. There were many things stolen from our brother, the ability to perform functions you normally wouldn’t think about was one of them. I nodded.

"I guess supper is up to you. Try not to scare anybody." I grinned and left the kitchen for the bag of supplies at the doorway. I grabbed them, and headed for Ponyboy in his bedroom.

I quietly entered the bedroom and looked over to Ponyboy. His eyes were closed, and he looked peaceful while he was sleeping. I put the bag of supplies down in the corner of the room, eyeing the bag with the stuffed toy. I slowly took it out of the bag and made my way to the bed, and sat down on the edge of it next to Ponyboy.

His eyes opened slowly as my weight shifted the mattress as I sat down. I watched nervously as he looked at me like he wasn’t sure who I was, and then I felt even more nervous when he looked around the room like he didn’t know where he was. He looked back at me slowly, and cocked his head to the side, his eyebrows gathered, and his mouth twisted into a frown.

"This is for you," I spoke softly as I placed the stuffed horse next to my brother’s shoulder.

He looked at the toy thoughtfully before his gaze focussed back on me. He grinned shyly at me and reached up to touch my cleanly shaven face. There was such a shift in the life of our relationship, I felt like a fish out of water, but the discomfort was fading into something else. My brother wasn’t the same, and neither was I. Too much had happened between us even before I’d almost lost him to the hands of a madman.

I smiled at him as he moved his hand across my face, becoming familiar with it again. When he was finished, he awarded me with a smile as well, and I gently kissed the palm of his hand before leading it back down to rest on his body.

"You talk to Sodapop yet?" I asked him, curious if Soda was aware of our brother’s capabilities.

It was amazing how much Ponyboy could say with his face, without even uttering a word. The way his mouth shifted while he frowned told me that Soda had no idea how much our brother was actually capable of.

"Well, he let me know that you might need to be cleaned up a little. You gonna be okay with that?"

Pony looked away from me, his expression troubled and embarrassed. He stared at the stuffed toy and shook his head. He’d been in a diaper for months while in the hospital and it wasn’t an issue. Now we were home, and we were going to have to come up with a plan that wasn’t going to make my brother uncomfortable.

"Y’know I’m the one that bathed you all the time you were in the hospital?"

Ponyboy looked at me disbelievingly, and still a bit troubled, but I just smiled at him encouragingly.

"Don’t be embarrassed. I thought you’d like it better than a bunch of strangers lookin’ at you. Besides, it ain’t nothin’ I ain’t seen before anyways. Used to help mom with you when you were a baby."

Pony frowned at my reminiscing, and looked down at the blanket. I felt bad for my brother, and I sighed heavily. There were things he was going to need help with that were going to be awkward for everyone, but I had hope that it’d be temporary. My hand cupped his face, directing his gaze back to me.

"I ain’t ever giving up on you, I mean it, Ponyboy. We’re gonna get through this together, but it’s gonna take awhile, okay?"

Pony looked at me sadly for a moment before giving a slight nod and blink, which I took to be his answer for "yes".

"Okay then, little buddy. How are we gonna go about this? Do you want to wear them?" I motioned to the hospital bag that the diapers were in.

Ponyboy shook his head and looked away uncomfortably.

"Okay, do you know when you need to go? I can carry you, y’know? Or we can get a bottle or something for in here in case there’s a reason you can’t make it. What do you think?"

Pony took a moment to think before looking back at me. He was still frowning, but he gave me the nod-blink combo, and we suddenly had ourselves a plan.

"Alright, that’s good, Pony. That’s really good. Let’s get some of your own clothes together and get you cleaned up."

I stood up from the bed and headed for the dresser he and Soda shared. I fished out a clean pair of shorts and a t-shirt for Pony to change into, and turned back to him.

"You want pajamas on, little buddy?" I asked, and then smiled after he slowly gave me a blink and nod.

I turned around and went through the drawers that I knew were his, until if found a pair of pajamas. I gathered them and the t-shirt and underwear and headed for the bathroom. When I returned, I headed over to the bed and slowly uncovered my brother and looked at him.

"You ready?" I asked.

Ponyboy gave me the signal, and I scooped him up and made my way back for the bathroom. We met Sodapop in the hallway, looking concerned as he gazed at his little brother, limp in my arms, and then looked back at me.

"What’s wrong?" Soda asked; a sort of panic growing in his voice.

"Nothin’. We’re gonna get washed up for supper, ain’t that right, Ponyboy?"

Ponyboy gave me the signal, and I heard Soda take a deep breath before he made his way closer to us. Pony’s head flopped a little to the side, and he looked at his hero and gave him a weak smile. Sodapop was in tears by the time he reached out, holding Pony’s face in both hands while he kissed him on the forehead.

"I love you, kid." Soda nodded and then looked up at me. "Supper’s about ready, I’m just fixin’ up the spaghetti sauce."

"Hear that, Pony? What do you think he threw in the spaghetti this time? Bubble gum?" I looked at Soda and smiled while I gave him a wink. Ponyboy’s body jerked, and I thought he was trying to laugh.

"Better than that. Beer!" Soda smiled while he kissed Ponyboy once more, then turned around and headed for the kitchen. Pony’s body gave another jerk; his eyes were squeezed shut and the smile on his face was crooked.

"Give us a few." I said as I nudged my way into the bathroom, washed and changed my brother for supper.

 


	20. Twenty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

"Darry!"

I grimaced and rolled over, hoping I'd imagined the sound of my name being hollered out in the middle of the night. My bed was warm, my pillow was soft and supportive, and I'd felt like I'd found a piece of heaven in the whirlwind that was my life over the past six months. I rubbed my face against my pillow before I reached the quiet soundness that was sleep.

"Darry!"

I took a deep breath and blew it out heavy as I rolled back over. Three-thirty in the morning. I yawned and brought my hands up to rub my face and try to wake up. Groaning, I peeled back the blankets of my bed and stumbled to my feet towards the door. I shuffled my way out of my bedroom and into my brothers' room. The lamp on Pony's desk was on, and Sodapop was awake and looking strange.

"He have to go to the bathroom again? How much water did you give him anyway?" I mumbled sleepily as I made my way to the bed.

"No, I think he's having one of those seizures." Soda said softly as he carefully watched Pony.

"How long?" I asked, suddenly feeling very awake, and very focussed as I sat down next to Ponyboy on the bed.

"Maybe a minute, minute and a half?" Soda answered unsure.

Pony was laying on his back, his head turned slightly towards his brother. His left arm twitched rhythmically as his breath came out in rasping grunts. I gently turned his head towards me and sure enough, his eyes were deviated up like they had been at the hospital.

"Okay, Pony, it's okay. Me and Soda are here. It's okay." I said as gently as I could.

I remembered everything Greg had told me if Pony started having seizures at home. Make sure he's in a safe environment, don't try to hold him down, don't put anything in his mouth but make sure he doesn't choke, and rush him to the hospital if the seizure lasts longer than five minutes or if he has a bunch of them for more than half an hour.

"Shhhh…it's okay, Pony." I soothed while Sodapop gently rubbed his head.

It was maybe a minute later when Pony seemed to come around. His arm settled and stopped it's rhythmic convulsing, and his eyes started to focus and slowly look around the room. He took a few deep breaths and closed his eyes; wincing as though he were in pain.

"Hey, kiddo. You okay? You hurting?" Soda asked worriedly as he shuffled up, and sat in the bed.

Pony gave a slight nod with his eyes squeezed shut tightly, trying not to cry. Some things would never change, like my youngest brother not wanting me to see him cry. He always felt like he had be tough in front of me, and growing up on our side of the tracks, I understood. But after everything that happened, and now that it was just the three of us, there was no need for the act. He'd been through hell and back, and I could never be prouder of just how strong he really was, tears or not.

"It's okay, Pony." I didn't want him hiding if something actually was hurting. "Where does it hurt?"

Pony opened his eyes and looked down at his left arm. His hand seemed to look more crooked and deformed than it had before and I felt a pang of worry.

"Y'know, this one wasn't so bad, Pony. Not bad at all. I think they're getting better." I encouraged as I climbed over him on the bed, and sat beside Sodapop.

I motioned to Pony's shoulder, and Sodapop nodded and used both hands and started a deep but gentle rubbing. I knew first hand how great it felt when Sodapop decided to treat you to a massage, and I hoped that it would work as well on our little brother.

I braced Pony's left elbow in my left hand, and gently and slowly eased his arm down, trying to stretch it with my right hand. His arm resisted. It trembled and shook in protest; the muscles needing time to adjust to the strain of being pulled. After a moment, his arm relaxed a bit and allowed me to straighten it fully. Sodapop took the opportunity to massage down Pony's bicep, the crook of his elbow and down his forearm and back up while I had it secured. Soda took his time, focussing on the muscles in each area. Eventually, Pony's eyes closed, and his face relaxed, and I was pretty sure he was going to fall asleep.

Soda gave a thorough rub down of that left arm of Pony's until he was sound asleep. Soda grinned at me and I grinned back and slowly led Pony's arm into it's new position; bent at the elbow. Soda started rubbing at the hand and wrist, and it wasn't long before it looked as relaxed as the expression on Pony's face.

"Maybe we should be doing this a few times a day? Whadaya think, Soda?"

Pony almost looked normal. I hadn't seen him that relaxed since before he got jumped by a Corvair full of socs months and months ago. His left arm was still bent, but it seemed less twisted outwards, and his thumb wasn't squashed down by all his fingers; his hand was relaxed.

"Look at that, 'eh?" Soda smiled and then playfully backhanded my arm. "Looks like we're both superheroes, hey Darry?"

I grinned back at him and messed up his hair. I didn't have the heart to tell him that the only superhero in the family was our little brother, and he was way out of our league. I climbed over Ponyboy, careful not to disturb him, and slowly stood up at the side of the bed.

"What time is it anyway?" Soda asked tiredly as he made his way back under the covers, and cuddled up to Pony.

"Late, little buddy. Get some shut-eye. You want the light on?" I nodded at the lamp that was on the desk.

"Yeah, I think Pony wanted it on. I think that's what he was tryin' to say. Seemed happy when I turned it on so…" Sodapop shut his eyes, and I could tell he was falling asleep.

I slowly made my way out of the room, closing the door slightly but not all the way so that I could hear if they needed anything. I shuffled myself back into my own bed, got under the covers, and let my mind drift off as my head hit the pillow.

* * *

I jolted up in bed when the house shook after a loud thump coming from the living room. I swung out of bed and headed for the muffled laughter and the sound of Soda shushing everyone. I walked in the living room and found Steve and Two-Bit wrestling on the floor.

"What the hell's goin' on?" I asked irritated. The last thing I needed were these two wrecking the house and waking up my brother while he's trying to heal.

"You're up! Finally!" Two-Bit laughed as he held Steve in a choke-hold on the floor.

"Cut it out! You're gonna wake Pony!" I warned.

"Chill out, Darry. He's already up." Soda's voice startled me, although I knew he was lurking behind me on the couch.

I turned to tell him to shut his trap, but there he was on the couch, smiling away. The coffee table had been pushed up against the sofa, and there sat both of my brothers, grinning wildly at the wrestling match going on, as if in their honor. Soda sat with his arm around Pony, both of them had their legs propped up on the coffee table. Pony looked worn out and tired, but happy to be in the living room at home with his friends and family.

"What time is it?" I asked as I rushed over to the couch and immediately checked Ponyboy over to make sure he was okay.

"He's okay, Darry. Geeze, you think I'd let anything happen to him?"

I stopped fussing over our brother and looked over at Sodapop. It was an automatic reaction for me to expect the worst when it came to Pony. We came so damned close to losing him, that I was prepared to do everything necessary to protect him. I just wasn't quite sure how to do that, and not offend Sodapop in the process.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry." I frowned. "It's gonna take me awhile, okay?"

"I know, Darry, it's okay. It's ten o'clock. Pony didn't wanna wake you up, you deserved to sleep in." Soda smiled softly then started laughing when Steve got out of Two-Bit's grip and flipped it over on him.

"I told ya, Pony. You're gonna owe me a buck after this is done!" Soda chuckled as he tightened his arm around his brother and hugged him to his body.

I shook my head disbelievingly as the wrestling match ensued behind me.

"He ain't been home twenty-four hours yet and you got him bettin' on these two idiots?"

"Yup!" Soda admitted proudly. "Got him washed up, teeth brushed and fed too."

"Wow, and he's still alive. I don't believe it!" I teased, and was rewarded with a huge grin from Ponyboy.

"Hardy har," Sodapop rolled his eyes at me. "There's bacon cooked and bread out if you wanna make yourself a sandwich."

"Well, ain't you been busy!" I commented, quite impressed with how Soda had things handled so far.

"Pffft…" Soda retorted. "I ain't just a pretty face, y'know."

"Of course not. How could I forget, Mr. Universe?" I chuckled.

I stood up from the couch, leaned down over Pony to rub the top of his head before heading into the kitchen to grab something to eat. Watching Soda and Pony on the couch together felt so normal, I could almost forget about how crazy the last half a year was. I listened to the laughing and carrying on from the living room while I was making a bacon and tomato sandwich and cursed myself when I felt a warm tear escape and make its way down my face.

I hurriedly wiped it away and grabbed a plate for my food, then went to make a pot of coffee and found that one was already made. I smiled thankfully and filled a cup, grabbed my sandwich and headed for the living room to join the fun.

I put my cup of coffee down on the coffee table before dropping down beside Ponyboy on the couch and ate my sandwich while watching Steve squash the shit outta Two-Bit. Sodapop was laughing his ass off, and Ponyboy was grinning when Two-Bit finally hollered "uncle".

"Told ya, Pony!" Soda shook Pony lightly. "A buck! A buck! You owe me a buck!" He teased.

Pony's body jerked in laughter, his face twisted up into a smile as his brother gave him a sideways hug, while gloating that he won their bet.

"Serves ya right, kid. Shouldn't bet against 'The man'." Steve flexed his bicep while he sat up on the floor, earning a cuff upside the head from Two-Bit.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head, but I was grinning. It felt like we'd won some kind of lottery, and in a way, I guess we had. We'd won the best kind; we got our brother back. I finished my sandwich while the boys finished their banter of coming up with the best way to insult each other, and I took a healthy gulp of coffee before settling back on the sofa next to my brothers.

My arm seemed to move on its own accord across the shoulders of my youngest brother, tangling with the arm of Soda. I was surprised, but at the same time felt a warmth wash over me when Pony weakly shifted on the couch and leaned against me instead of Sodapop. I looked down at him, and then across to Soda, and although Soda was grinning, he looked a bit curious and confused. I guess I wasn't the only one that was going to have to get used to role reversals.

"So whadaya say, Soda? Races tonight?" Steve's voice broke into my thoughts.

"Nah, I don't know, Steve. Ponyboy just got home and all." Soda frowned.

"Christ, Soda." Steve sounded annoyed. "We ain't been out in months. The kid's alive, he's home and safe with Superman. What's there to think about?"

Soda shrugged, and I felt bad for him _and_ Steve. Soda had just turned seventeen in the fall; one of the birthday's we never got a chance to celebrate because of everything that was happening at the time. I was about to encourage him to go have a night out with his best buddy when the sound of car doors slamming interrupted me.

"Expecting company?" Two-Bit grinned as he stood up and looked out the front window. "Uh oh. You got trouble, Darry." His grin faded quickly and turned into fear.

"Who is it?" I asked, curious about Two-Bit's reactions.

"Mrs. Social Worker and the fuzz. Jesus Christ!" Two-Bit whipped around and looked at me for direction.

"Darry," Soda said terrified as he pulled Ponyboy away from me and closer to him.

I stood up abruptly, and confirmed for myself. Mrs. Richards was speaking to the two detectives that questioned me in the hospital while Pony was in a coma. They were at the gate and hadn't quite made their way up the walk yet.

My stomach tied in knots, and my pulse was pounding in my ears. If they were here to take Ponyboy away again, they were gonna be doing it over my dead body. I didn't care about the consequences. They weren't going to be taking my brother anywhere.

"Get him in the bedroom now!" I ordered to Sodapop.

Pony was already trembling as he looked up at me to protect him. I nodded and gave him a wink of encouragement as Steve stepped up and helped Sodapop lift Pony off from the couch. Pony's face was pleading with me as he shook his head and reached for me with his right arm. Steve managed to lift him on his own and carried him out of the living room through the kitchen with Sodapop following. I heard the bedroom door slam.

"What now, Darry?" Two-Bit asked.

"There's medicine for Pony in the chest in the bathroom, and supplies in their bedroom. Can you get them outta here in case worse comes to worse?"

"You got it, Darry. We'll sneak him out the window. I'll get word to you later tonight when we find a place to lay low."

"Take care of them, Two-Bit." I begged. "I'm trusting you."

"Darry, what if they…what if the fuzz…" Two-Bit's voice dropped off.

"Don't worry about me. I can take care of myself. I need you to look out for my brothers. Can you do that for me, Keith?"

"Anything, Darry. I got it, don't worry about them."

Two-Bit nodded as he backed his way out of the living room and followed the previous path through the kitchen. I heard him rifle through the bathroom before the door of the bedroom opened and then slammed shut and there were muffled voices. The soft knocking of Mrs. Richards started at the front door and I waited until I could no longer hear the chaos coming from the back before I made a move.

As I slowly made my way to the door, I took a steadying breath and watched my hands; willing them to stop trembling. I rubbed the palms of my hands on the front of my pajama bottoms, and took one last deep breath before I grabbed for the door knob, and opened the door. There was nothing I wouldn't do at this point to keep my family safe. I'd stop at nothing.


	21. Twenty-one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

What the hell was the matter with me? I mean, what the fuck was I thinking? I’d sent my two brothers out to hide from the authorities like a couple of fugitives, with no money, and no plan except I’d put Two-Bit Mathews in charge. I’d grown soft over the past few months, and that was gonna have to stop, and stop right now. There had to be a better plan than to have Two-Bit in charge. I could’ve kicked myself.

I slowly opened the door and eyed Mrs. Richards and the two detectives coolly, trying to compensate for the pounding of my own heart racing in my ears. Mrs. Richards looked to be her usual nervous self, even with the accompanying officers.

"Good morning, Darrel. How are you?" Mrs. Richards started, but I didn’t feel like idle chitchat when I knew they were here to try and fuck up our lives again.

"What do you want?" I asked coldly, and saw something close to sadness on Mrs. Richard’s face.

"Mr. Curtis, I’m Detective Backus and this is Detective Davis. We met with you when your brother was in the hospital. We’d like to talk to your brother, Ponyboy."

"He ain’t here." I said firmly while I stared at them both.

"What do you mean he isn’t here? He was just released from the hospital yesterday. I need to see him!" Mrs. Richards was completely flustered.

"Why the need to see him? Y’all gonna take him? Stick him in another one of those fantastic foster homes you got lined up? Hey, maybe they’ll succeed this time and actually kill him."

"DARRY, PLEASE!" Mrs. Richards yelled.

I didn’t want to stop; I had plenty to say about the work the State did. But the look on her face, and the fact that she was close to tears made me pause. She did try to help; she let me come with her to that horrendous house. If it weren’t for her, I never would’ve found my brother in time. If it weren’t for her, Ponyboy would’ve died.

"I still have nightmares about that day, Darrel. Please, we just need to talk. Please."

Against my better judgement, I opened the screen door and motioned for the three of them to enter the house. I headed for the living room and quickly pulled the coffee table away from the couch so they could sit down. I grabbed my half-empty coffee cup, and went to the kitchen to warm it up with some fresh from the pot. I walked back into the living room and sat down in my chair.

"Darrel, we’d really like it if we could speak to Ponyboy. It’s regarding the time he spent in the care of Martin James Campbell."

"I told you. He’s not here." I replied coldly to Backus, still remembering how he’d pulled out naked pictures of my brother and that monster from his special envelope like they were pictures of puppies.

"Darrel, where is Ponyboy?" Mrs. Richards asked, concern on her face.

"Out with his brother. Don’t know when he’ll be back." I answered quickly before I took a healthy drink of coffee. "He ain’t said a word since his attack. You’re wasting your time."

"Why isn’t he talking, Darrel?" Mrs. Richards asked.

"Can’t. Too much damage from needing a breathing machine for two months. Don’t know if he’ll ever be able to talk again. Probably wouldn’t talk to you, even if he could. What is there to say?"

"Darrel, Martin Campbell is still missing. Have you had any contact with him since the incident with your brother?" Detective Backus asked again like he had in the hospital, with that same tone, like I was the one that had done something wrong.

"Missing? That pice of shit is still out there?" I wondered if I’d ever rest knowing the man that brutalized my baby brother was roaming the streets a free man—fred to do it again.

"You’ve had no contact with…" Backus started up again.

"NO!" I yelled angrily. "Jesus Christ, no! I’ve been busy trying to put our lives back together. Now you’re all here to what? Fuck it all up again?"

"Darrel, no. I’m just here to make sure Ponyboy got home safely."

"Yeah, right. And them two?" I gestured to the two detectives standing in my living room. "They here for decoration, or were they brought here for a purpose?"

"We just came to gather more information from your brother, but if that isn’t possible, I think we’ve got what we need. Thank you, Mr. Curtis. Ma’am." Detective Davis nodded to Mrs. Richards before him and his partner let themselves out.

I could hear the sound of car doors closing before the engine revved up and I heard them leave the area. I looked back at Mrs. Richards, and wanted to feel for her but there was just so much that happened. I knew in my head that it wasn’t her fault for what went down, but she worked for a system that failed us; failed Ponyboy and put his life in danger. I just couldn’t let it go.

"Officially, you were not authorized to discharge your brother home. He was supposed to be discharged into my care."

I thought about the day Pony was released from the hospital. Greg all but rushed us out, putting his own job on the line to help us avoid dealing with the State. I owed him so much. He saved my brother’s life and never judged us once. I was shocked how easily he made the decision to discharge Pony early so we could beat some unknown State worker from pouncing and hauling Pony off to another foster home, just for the sake of following policy. I knew eventually there’d be questions to answer, but with my focus on Ponyboy I wasn’t thinking it would be this soon.

"So, you’re here to take him away again?" I choked.

"No. The State considered all that had happened, and want to grant you permanent custody of Ponyboy. That would mean no looking over your shoulder. No surprise visits from me. Complete and permanent custody."

"In return for what?” I wasn’t a fool. I knew there was a catch somewhere between the lines. “Gimme a break, Lydia. I was born at night, but it wasn’t last night. What does the State want from me in return? Me to pay all those hospital bills next week? Ain’t happening!" It sounded way too easy and I was definitely suspicious.

"No, no. All of Pony’s hospital bills have been taken care of since technically he was in the State’s custody." Mrs. Richards smiled.

"What do they want from me then?" I demanded irritated. I hated it when somebody took me for an idiot and thought they could manipulate me, just because of where I came from.

"The State would ask that you don’t pursue any legal action. They are willing to discuss this with you in person, but they want it kept quiet."

"So, you’re a goddamned lawyer now, or what? I don’t understand. They’re worried I’m gonna take them to court?"

Now I was just confused. I was sure the fuzz and Mrs. Richards were pulling up to take my brother away again, and now it seemed like I was being offered a bribe to keep silent and not take legal action.

"No, I’m not a lawyer. I just wanted you to know what they’re willing to do for you."

I wanted to punch the wall. "What they’re willing to do for me? My brother’s a mess! Can’t talk, eats through a tube, and shits in a diaper! He’s basically a baby again. I’d like my brother back, Mrs. Richards. If the State can manage that for me, then we’ll have something to talk about."

"I’m so sorry, Darrel. I never thought in a million years..." Lydia cried softly, but I couldn’t let it go.

"I’m sorry too, but that don’t change what happened, does it?"

Mrs. Richards shook her head and slowly got up from the couch defeated. She made her way to the door slowly and I got up from the chair to follow her, placing my coffee cup down on the table, and then my arms crossed defensively. She quietly opened the screen door and turned around to look at me.

"I never doubted you for a second, Darrel. I always knew the best thing for Ponyboy was to stay in your care. I could always see how much your brothers meant to you. You’re so different than the other families I deal with. I always defended you; I always wanted him to stay and always suggested that."

"I get it Lydia, I do. But that fact doesn’t set my brother free. It doesn’t change anything. He has to live with what happened to him for the rest of his life, and it’s too soon for me to even know what that looks like. He’ll never be the same. It’s not enough."

She nodded sadly as she shut the screen door behind her and made her way to her car. I didn’t watch as she drove off. I turned around, shutting the front door and then leaned against it. I took a deep breath of relief and then slowly let it out with a smile. Permanent custody of Ponyboy; that would mean more to Soda and me than any dollar amount we would get battling government bureaucracy in court. I tried to imagine what life would be like without the State breathing down our necks every day, and I allowed myself another smile. The smile quickly faded.

"SHIT!"

I’d sent my brothers off to hide out only God knows where, and I had no idea when Two-Bit was going to call. And all for nothing. I really could’ve kicked myself then. It was the stupidest thing I’d ever done. This whole disaster had messed me up real good.

I headed for the boys’ room with little hope they’d stuck around. Sure enough, I noticed the bedroom window wide open as I opened their door. I looked around and was somewhat relieved that they’d brought along Pony’s medical supplies, and I knew that Sodapop would protect our brother any way he could.

I let out a sigh as I sat on the edge of the bed and grabbed Ponyboy’s stuffed horse from the hospital. I had to let it go, and trust that between Soda, Steve, and Two-Bit, Pony would be okay. The real torture would be hanging around waiting for word from Two-Bit. I hoped to God he didn’t move them out of the state. I shook my head and threw my upper body backwards on the bed.

_I knew things had gone from bad to worse when I got the phone call from Two-Bit in the middle of the night to come down to the old warehouse district. I didn’t know what possessed him to hide out at Brady’s old abandoned shack, but here I was driving up and down the alleyways looking for that fool and my brothers._

_I hated driving downtown, which didn’t make much sense. I lived in one of the roughest neighbourhoods in the city, but these parts gave me the creeps on a good day, never mind at half past midnight. The area was dark, and I could barely see through the windshield. I finally came upon Two-Bit’s broken-down Buick in front of the door of the old warehouse. I pulled the truck up next to the car, and wondered how the hell he got it to run long enough to make it across town._

_I got out of the truck and pulled up the collar on my jacket. The wind was picking up and felt like it was blowing through to my bones. There was an eeriness to the place that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. The big receiving door was down and locked as I inspected the outside of the building. Just as I made my way to the side of the warehouse, Two-Bit came barreling through a side door, a look of horror on his face while he struggled to catch his breath._

_"Two-Bit? What’s goin’ on? Where’s Sodapop and Pony?" I asked, concern increasing with the difficulty Two-Bit was having._

_"Darry! Darry! I’m sorry, Darry! I’m sorry!" Two-Bit started crying, and I was getting a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach._

_"What the fuck is going on?" I grabbed Two-Bit by the shirt and shook him, trying to get him to talk to me._

_"I’m sorry! He found us, Darry! He found us!"_

_"What the hell are you talking about? Who found you? The fuzz?"_

_"Him!" Two-Bit was hysterical. "He’s got Ponyboy, Darry. I tried to get him, Darry! I swear to God I tried!"_

_My vision heightened, and I was seeing red as I shoved Two-Bit out of my way and made my way through the steel door of that old abandoned warehouse. Despite there being lights on, it was still dim and cold and damp. I tried to listen for my brothers, but I could only hear the odd muffled grunt coming from behind a barrage of old rusted machinery._

_My feet took me there on their own. I turned the corner and there I could see him. They both had no clothes on and he was holding Ponyboy face down as he ground his way into him. Pony didn’t scream or fight. His lifeless body bobbled with every vicious thrust made into him. I screeched out into the dead of night, overcome with rage and hatred. I charged forward, ready to dish out my own brand of torture, but then heard a voice from behind me._

_"It’s too late, Darry. It’s too late. He’s gone."_

_I looked down to see the body of my youngest brother. His wrists bound, his soiled body curled up in the corner of that filthy abandoned room in that middle-class home that was supposed to look after him. The smell I would never forget assaulted my senses and I found myself on my knees again, wailing and begging whatever powers that were in control, to save my brother._

_I turned Pony’s body over, and his eyes were blank and lifeless. I howled out again when I heard, rather than saw him swallow. Pony’s eyes looked right through me before I heard him speak._

_"Get him off me, Darry."_

My eyes flew open and I stared at the tan face of a stuffed horse. I grabbed it and hugged it in one arm while I rolled over onto my back and stared at the ceiling of my brothers’ bedroom and tried to get a hold of myself. I was getting damned tired of these weird dreams I was having, and a few of them were creeping me right the hell out.

The phone started ringing, and I eased my way out of bed and trudged my way through to the living room. I glanced at the clock and it was after six, and I hoped desperately that the phone call I was receiving was from Two-Bit. I was hoping he’d be telling me everything was alright.

"Yeah?" I answered cautiously, and then rolled my eyes at myself when I realized I was still clutching Ponyboy’s stuffed horse.

"Hey, Darry. What’s up with the fuzz?"

I breathed a sigh of relief hearing Two-Bit Mathews voice on the other line.

"False alarm. Where ya at?"

"I’ll tell ya, but you gotta promise not to yell at me, Darry."

I suddenly remembered my dream, and got that sick feeling in the pit of my gut. If these dreams were telling me anything real, I knew that I was about to be in big trouble.

"Where the hell are you?" I asked, my voice rising.

"Buck’s. Don’t yell at me, it was your brother’s idea." Two-Bit begged wearily.

"Get them back here now and hurry! I don’t want either of ‘em near that hole!"

"Yeah, that’s what Soda said. Uh, my car broke down, Darry. We’re kinda stranded here with the kid and all…" Two-Bit started blubbering, but I didn’t wanna hear it.

"Fine. I’ll be there in ten." I slammed the phone down, pissed. I quickly threw some clothes on, and headed out.

The only place worse than downtown was Buck Merril’s. It was a tiny little corner dive on the eastern edge of town, and the only person I knew who loved laying over there was Dallas Winston. Buck was his rodeo partner and lined up some work for Dally back in the day, but that didn’t score him any points with me. He was a cheat, and he was sleazy, and nothing good came of that place unless you were looking for trouble. Buck liked booze, fast women, and drugs, and I threatened both of my brothers not to ever go near that place. Why the hell would Sodapop suggest it now?

I didn’t waste any time heading over there. I wanted my brothers out of that place as soon as possible before even more trouble ensued. I didn’t bother with pleasantries; I opened the door without ringing the door bell or knocking. I spotted that lanky ass cowboy at the bar as soon as I walked in. There were people everywhere drinking, playing pool, playing poker, and even making out on the tables. I could hear yelling from the back telling the all too obvious story that a fight was about to break out, and I knew I needed to haul ass and get my brothers out of there while I could.

His eyes were huge when he saw me coming at him, my stride long and determined. I simply pointed at Buck and gave him a look that meant business, and he nodded towards the staircase. I rolled my eyes at him, and shoved one of his girls away from me when she tried to get too close. I knew I needed to act fast, and couldn’t help but wonder if my nightmare was a warning.

"Soda! Two-Bit!" I hollered out, starting to take the stairs two at a time just to get up there faster.

"Soda!" I yelled again, and was about to get worried before a door flew open and Steve poked his head out.

"In here, Darry. Thank God, man. The kid’s been freakin’ out since we left the house." Steve was unusually worried, and that alarmed me big time.

"What do you mean? Is he okay?"

I pushed my way through the door and Ponyboy was laying on the bed, his body shaking violently while a visibly distraught Sodapop did everything to try and calm him down.

"Is he seizing? How long has he been like this?" I tore my jacket off and let it hit the floor while I made my way to my brothers.

"No, I don’t think they’re seizures. I just can’t get him to calm down, Darry. He’s been like this since we got him out of the house. I don’t know what to do. Nothing’s working!" Soda was as upset as I’d seen him in the hospital.

"Okay, shhhh. Easy, little buddy. Easy." I held the back of Soda’s neck, and gently eased his forehead to mine. "It’s okay, we’ll figure this out."

The disgruntled sounds of a barroom fight were getting louder through the floor boards of the dingy little room the four of us huddled in. I looked at Steve sharply.

"Can you go down there and see if there’s a safe way out of this shithole?"

Steve nodded, and grabbed Two-Bit for back-up, leaving me alone with my brothers.

"Hey, kiddo. What’s goin’ on, Pony?" I gently shook Ponyboy’s shoulder, but he didn’t look my way. He just laid there trembling; his breathing ragged and irregular.

I crawled over Pony, and laid on my side facing him trying to gauge if it really wasn’t a seizure. Sodapop called it right, and I nodded proudly. He really was paying attention to when Greg was giving us tips and pointers on how to manage Pony’s condition at home. I don’t know why I was surprised; it was Ponyboy, and I knew how much he meant to Soda.

"Good call, Soda. Now let’s see if we can get him out of here."

"I’m sorry, Darry. Two-Bit was ready to head outta state in that rust bucket of his. I figured we could sit here and not get noticed."

"Yeah, ‘til one of Buck’s goons shoots the place up. I told you to stay the fuck away from here. And you drag Pony along?"

"He’s already been here, Darry. I’m sorry, okay? I wasn’t thinking."

I felt bad for raising my voice to him. I was the one that jumped the gun in the first place.

"I’m sorry for yelling. It’s my fault to begin with; I shouldn’t’ve panicked like I did."

"We need a better plan." Soda commented and I wanted to tell him about my discussion with Mrs. Richards, but Ponyboy was in bad shape.

"Ponyboy, I want you to calm down, okay? It’s alright, I’m gonna get you home."

His eyes were shut tight, like he was in pain and his body trembled and shook out of control. But it was the sound coming from his throat; the same sound he made in the hospital when Eric had pulled out his breathing tube and Pony struggled to take every breath, that alarmed me.

"Pony, come on now. It’s okay. We’re going back home." I gently cupped his face in my hand, but nothing was working.

Steve and Two-Bit came crashing in; the noise from downstairs almost deafening.

"Darry, it’s crazy down there." Two-Bit slid down the door and sat down on the dirty rug.

"We ain’t gettin’ out," Steve confirmed.

"Then we’ll lay low in here until it settles." I spoke as calmly as I could.

I shuffled on the bed and sat up leaning against the headboard and then reached over and hauled Ponyboy up so he was against me. I shuffled around with him; laying him on my chest and between my legs so I could keep him close and keep him safe. With each shudder of his small frame, I held him even closer. Soda eased his way on the bed with us, curling around my arm and his little brother.

"Shhhh…" I continued trying to lull my youngest brother into calm while gently petting his hair.

Sodapop joined in, rubbing Pony’s side and offering him the occasional kiss on the back of his head. It took a long time, and with every crash and whoop and holler from downstairs, it seemed like we had to start all over again. It was all I could do to keep it cool.

"Ponyboy, look at me. Open your eyes." I gently commanded as I brushed my hand across his face.

His breath was ragged and loud. His eyes slowly opened, and he looked at me pleadingly.

"I’m here, and I ain’t goin’ nowhere. Nobody’s ever gonna take you away from me, you got that? You and Soda are stuck with me, so you better just get used to that fact, savvy?"

The tears seemed to roll faster out of his eyes, but his breathing settled as he curled his right arm around my chest and held on to me tightly. I tightened my grip around him as well, and nodded letting Soda know we’d finally made progress. Soda smiled, and shuffled down to rest his head on the pillow, but never let his hand move from Pony.

"It’s a Ponyboy sandwich!" Two-Bit chuckled and slapped Steve on the arm as he got up from the floor and moved into a chair.

Steve rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything. He made his way to the floor, leaning up against the wall while hell broke loose beneath us. I stayed awake, counting down the minutes until I could grab my brothers and high-tail it out of there.

 


	22. Twenty-two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton. A shout out to those that left kudos and/or more ;)

 

"Ooohhh mmyyyy Goddddd!" Sodapop moaned in agony as the second consecutive hour of Hank Williams blared from downstairs.

"Ain't there a law against this shit? Like, cruelty to human life or somethin'?" Steve remarked as he kept hitting the back of his head against the wall.

"You keep that up, Steve and you'll end up with a concussion _or somethin'_." Soda commented as he rolled over on the bed away from me and Pony.

"Will that get me outta here faster? I'll do anything!" Steve whined and set Two-Bit off in a fit of laughter.

"See? This is the _real_ reason Darry didn't want you over here." Two-Bit chuckled as he eyed Sodapop. "Corruption of our youth through hick music!"

I leaned my head back and looked up at the ceiling while the boys broke out into giggles. I sighed and looked down. Ponyboy was wide awake on my chest, his right fist clutching onto my shirt. He was staring blankly at the wall, listless and unresponsive. There was a loud bang that sounded like gunshot and the sound of breaking glass before the yelling and whooping from the crowd became louder. Ponyboy started trembling again, and my worrying increased.

"Hey, Steve. Throw my jacket up here, will ya?" I extended my arm and hand, and caught it as Steve grabbed it from the floor tossed it towards us.

I opened it up and used it to cover Pony, hoping he might have been trembling because of the chill in that small little room. The boys had pulled him out the window with him wearing nothing more than a t-shirt and pajama bottoms. I held him a bit tighter to me, gently rubbing up and down his arm with one hand while my other hand held his head to my chest. He still trembled.

"We need to get him out of here." I said to no one in particular, but I wasn't feeling good about the way Pony was acting.

The music, the yelling, the screaming, and the fighting continued, and it continued at maximum volume. I knew it wasn't adding any comfort to Ponyboy, who'd practically been in a stupor according to the boys since getting hauled out of the house this morning. I was counting the minutes down, wanting to get back home where he would feel safer, and where I could tell both of my brothers about the permanent custody the State was willing to grant me. Unfortunately, the madness beneath us wasn't letting up.

"What the hell is this place? Don't this shit ever stop?" Soda rolled impatiently onto his back and looked as though he were about to cry.

"Soda, I told you…" I started my lecture, but was cut off early.

"Please, don't. Just get us the hell out of here!" Soda pleaded with me while Two-Bit and Steve stood up and both headed out the door.

"You okay?" I asked Soda.

"I don't know. I just wanna get home and forget I was ever here."

"Let's hope they have good news." I mumbled as I looked back down at Ponyboy and wondered if he was going to survive this night too.

"Pony? You gonna be okay, hon?" Soda read my mind.

Soda sat up in bed, and flopped over top of me and Ponyboy so he could take a look at his brother. He frowned sadly, and reached out and gently rubbed the side of Pony's head. Ponyboy didn't even seem to register anything except when a loud crash boomed from the other side of the door, and Two-Bit and Steve rushed back in.

"We need to get outta here now!" Steve ordered and motioned for the three of us to get off the bed.

"The fuzz are about three minutes out. Someone shot out the back window and made the neighbors a little nervous. Hustle up, boys." Two-Bit headed out of the room with Steve behind.

"Hurry up! Get yourself down to the truck, and don't stop for anything! I mean it!" I ordered Soda while I tried to arrange Pony in a way I could quickly pick him up and carry him.

I wanted to be gentle, but now wasn't the time. I had only a few minutes before the cops would raid the place and start arresting people. The last thing we needed after everything was to get caught anywhere near Buck's drug and prostitute parlor, and blow our shot at permanent custody of Pony. I grabbed Ponyboy by an arm and threw him over my shoulder and headed out of the room.

I barrelled down the stairs with Pony with one mission: to get out of that place as fast as I could without getting caught up in the mess of people. Another shot rang out, and I prayed I'd be met by those three fools that brought us here to this mess. My eyes never left the door as I pushed through the crowd and finally made it out. I could hear the sirens nearing as I opened the door to the cab of the truck, and breathed a sigh of relief. Soda was at the wheel. Steve and Two-Bit were in the back.

I grabbed the keys out of my jeans pocket and tossed them to Sodapop while I slid Ponyboy from my shoulder and shoved him on the seat beside his brother. I jumped in after, slamming the door.

"Step on it, Sodapop!"

"Don't hafta tell me twice." Soda looked spooked as he threw the truck in reverse and stepped on the gas.

We peeled out and sped the hell out of there before seeing any flashing lights. Every muscle in my body was tense until we were about three blocks away. I let out a breath that I seemed to have been holding since hauling Ponyboy out of that room. It had been a close call.

I looked through the back window where Two-Bit and Steve looked to be in a heated discussion. I was hoping they could simmer down until we got home, but as soon as the thought entered my head, Two-Bit whipped out a bottle of beer from the inside of his leather jacket. No doubt a beer he'd swiped from Buck's bar. He looked at me, gave me his signature look with one eyebrow cocked, and threw his head back.

" _There's a tear in my beer cuz I'm crying for you dear..._ "

I shook my head and quickly spun around, hoping my staring wouldn't encourage anymore Hank Williams in any way, shape, or form. Unfortunately, ol' Steve joined in, and the two of them decided to disturb not only me, but everyone in the neighborhood.

" _You are on my lonely mind. Into these last nine beers I have shed a million tears…_ " They sang out into the night from the back of dad's old truck.

"Christ," I muttered, still shaking my head.

"There goes the neighborhood." Soda broke out into laughter, and I debated pushing him out of the moving truck if he decided to sing along, and luckily for him he didn't.

I looked down at Ponyboy who I'd shoved in the truck so quickly I hadn't realized he was half-lying-half sitting at such a horrible angle it must have been hurting his back. Not to mention he was leaning hard on that bum arm of his. I gently eased him up so he wasn't so crooked. He looked at me, and for the first time in a long time, he looked pissed off.

"Sorry, kiddo." I winced as I apologized sincerely.

Ponyboy shook his head, his eyebrows still furrowed before his right hand came up to cover his ear. Apparently, he wasn't such a big fan of Hank Williams either, but the action was so impulsive and random that I burst out laughing.

"What's funny?" Soda looked at me quickly, then turned back to keep his eyes on the road.

"Look at your brother." I chuckled.

It was a relief to see Pony lucid and responding. I'd been worried back at Buck's that he'd regressed back into himself; he seemed terrified and just so introverted laying there trembling. If Pony was pissed off, this was a new emotion that I hadn't seen since I didn't know when. It felt good to see that fight back in him, and if Hank Williams was responsible, I'd have to thank the man.

"Pony, you okay?" Soda grinned.

Pony blinked and shook his head and then struggled to cover his left ear by craning his neck down onto that warped left hand of his. Two-Bit and Steve continued to belt out their song for the whole world to hear until we finally reached our street and I turned around and pounded on the back window for the two of them to shut up. When Soda pulled the Ford into the driveway, there was finally some peace and quiet.

Soda was the first one out of the truck. I sat for a moment, listening to him, Steve, and Two-Bit laugh and carry on as they made their way up to the walk. I turned to Pony, who's anger seemed to fade into a look of worry and I wished for my brother; the one that could tell me what he was thinking, even when I didn't understand him.

"C'mon, little brother. We're home now." I patted Pony on the shoulder and opened the door to the truck.

I gathered Pony from the cab of the truck and kicked the door closed behind us as I followed the three stooges up the walk and to the front door. I noticed Pony wincing a bit, and I worried I'd been too rough too soon earlier at Buck Merril's. I just wanted everyone out of there and out of trouble; I didn't have time to think and be gentle. Now I was afraid it was going to cost me.

I gently set my brother down onto the couch and left him so I could turn some lights on in the house. I had no idea how long we'd been stuck over at Buck's, but it felt like a lifetime. As I joined Soda and our two friends in the kitchen, I wasn't surprised to see it was well after ten at night. In fact, it felt a lot later.

"You guys want something to eat? I'll whip somethin' up if you want?" I offered, but Two-Bit and Steve were shaking their heads.

"No thanks, Darry. I gotta date tonight." Two-Bit grinned and headed for the living room.

"A date?" Steve asked suspiciously. "Who you datin', Two-Bit?"

"A six pack of Bud." Two-Bit broke out into his crazy laughter before waving at us.

I shook my head as I watched him reach over and rub Pony's stubbly hair.

"You hang in there, Ponyboy. I'll come by tomorrow and we'll liven this place up a bit. I got a dollar that says you can take Steve in less than ten!" Two-Bit continued with his crazy laughter before heading out the door.

"That guy's an idiot." Steve muttered as he rolled his eyes.

"Sure you won't stay?" Soda asked hopefully, and I realized how badly he needed a night out.

"Nah, I gotta work in the morning. You know when you're comin' back?"

Soda looked at me and shrugged. Neither one of us had thought about when we'd be going back to work, and how. Pony was home now, and it looked like it would be guaranteed for good. It could give us a little breathing room from putting in so many hours. He was going to need somebody at home with him most of the time.

"We gotta figure out what we're gonna do with Pony. We just got home…I haven't really thought about it."

"Well, no hurry. I'll cover you at work as long as you need. I better split. I'll talk to y'all tomorrow." Steve waved and then headed out the back door.

"Well, I'm starving. I'll warm up some soup if you wanna get Pony ready for bed." I suggested.

"He ain't had anything since this morning either, Darry. _I'll_ warm up the soup. _You_ get him fed and ready." Soda pushed me towards the living room, and I looked back at him alarmed.

"Wait. You didn't feed him? Where the hell are his supplies? Did somebody grab them when we left?" I started to feel anxious. We'd had him home a little over twenty-four hours, and I already messed up.

"Shit! We left it all in the car! Shit!" Soda's hand flew to his forehead, and he looked about as happy as I was.

"Great," I said defeatedly as I pinched the bridge of my nose and fought off the impending headache. "Warm up some soup and I'll get him cleaned up and try and come up with something."

I'd felt like a complete failure. Maybe I wasn't fit to look after Pony. I'd made so many mistakes with him while he was well, and now that he was wasn't, I barely knew which foot to lead with first. I was so mad at myself. How could I have been so careless to send Sodapop and Ponyboy off in the first place? I'd been so goddam scared the State was going to take Pony again, I didn't think.

"It's not your fault, Darry. Stop doing that." Soda patted my shoulder, and then rubbed it.

"Don't do what?" I muttered; annoyed with myself.

"Don't blame yourself. Everything turned out okay. We're okay. Pony's okay. Let's just take it easy and start over again tomorrow."

My kid brother, the sensible psychic. I knew what he was saying was true, but I just couldn't let it go. I knew better than this. My head was always on right, and since losing Pony, I felt like it was all over the place.

"Don't put any green shit in my soup, Soda or I'll skin you." I warned as I made my way over to the couch, and slowly kneeled in front of Ponyboy.

"Alright, Pony. You gotta be starving," I started, but then just sighed. "Shit, kid. I'm sorry about today. I messed up."

Pony tilted his head to the side and looked at me curiously. It was another one of those moments where I'd give anything just to know what he was thinking. I thought back to all the times I wanted to wring his little neck when he got that sassy teenager attitude with me. I was never patient with Pony, and I never truly knew him even though I thought I knew what to expect with him. Now, he was different. Somebody destroyed that Ponyboy and left me with this version where everything was new to me.

"Some big brother, huh? Seems like the only thing I've been doing since mom and pop died is hurt you. I don't know, kiddo. I'm so sorry."

I rested my elbow on the sofa beside his thigh and propped my head up on my hand. He deserved better than this life. He was smart, talented and gifted. He could've been anything he wanted to be but one mistake on one night changed the course of his life forever. I didn't know if Ponyboy would ever be able to forgive me, but even if he did, I knew someday I'd have to find a way to forgive myself.

I felt his fingers tickle across my left cheek, and I looked up at him. He was looking at me sadly, and for a minute he looked just like mom. I grinned at him, despite how lousy I was feeling, and copied him. He grinned after a minute, as my fingers traced down from his cheek, and started tickling the side of his neck. We stared at each other in silence, and I had no more words to say.

"Come here," I whispered.

I got up from my knees and sat next to my little brother on the couch and tugged on his good arm, bringing him closer to me. I felt his arm go around my back as both of my arms wrapped around his shoulders and I held him close. I rested my cheek on the top of Pony's head and felt a little better knowing he'd allowed my contact with him. Sometimes a boy just needs a hug, no matter what age he is.

* * *

_"Tear In My Beer" – written by Hank Williams Sr._


	23. Twenty-three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

"You wanna eat in here?" Soda asked softly while he watched me and Pony, as we silently sat beside each other on the couch.

"Yeah, I suppose it'll be okay for one night." I answered tiredly, still bent out of shape over the poor decisions I'd made that day.

I was damned lucky that nothing bad had happened, and that we were able to get out of that place of Buck's in one piece. But as I sat and realized we'd left behind the formula for Ponyboy's tube feed, I also realized we'd left behind his medications.

I covered my face with my hand at the realization that I was going to have to find Two-Bit, and go back to that place to get our stuff out of his car. It was bad enough expecting my brother to go with an empty stomach overnight, but I couldn't risk having him skip a dose of his medication. We'd end up back in the hospital for sure.

"Darry, seriously man. You need to relax. It's gonna be okay." Soda tried to comfort me while placing a bowl of tomato soup on the coffee table in front of me.

I shook my head as he sat down on the other side of Pony with his own bowl. "His medicine," was all I could choke out before losing all interest in eating. I was sick to my stomach.

Sodapop was his usual laid-back self and shrugged his shoulders at me.

"So, we'll go get them after we have something to eat. No big deal, Darry. Don't sweat it."

I shook my head at him, but managed to relax a little. Soda had a way of putting things into a certain perspective that didn't have me feeling like such an all-out failure. I had no idea what I'd do without his easy-going nature to counter balance my instinct to over react about everything. Somewhere in my habit of trying to be perfect, I forgot that it was okay to be human and make mistakes. It just seemed like the mistakes I was making were doozies.

I tried to relax a bit and be more like my brother. I reached for my bowl of soup and started eating; my stomach easing up a bit. I'd realized just how hungry I was, and figured that Soda was right. It was better to eat and then try to conquer problems, than try and do it on an empty stomach.

"How 'bout you, kiddo? You hungry?" Soda asked as he filled a spoonful of soup and blew gently on it before offering it to Ponyboy.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I warned nervously. "Easy, little buddy. We don't even know if he can swallow right. If that ends up goin' down the wrong way he'll wind up gettin’ pneumonia again."

"I know," he said indignantly. "It's just a little bit to try. I ain't gonna pour it down his throat for Pete's sake!"

"Okay, okay, but go slow!" I coached as Soda put the spoon to Pony's bottom lip, and we both held our breath as he sipped it up.

Soda and I both smiled, proud of the fact that we were able to get food into our brother without killing him, more than the fact that Pony was the one that did the hard part. Soda filled another spoonful, and again Pony sipped at it like a champ.

"Look at that! Home a day and we got him eating already! Superheroes, I'm tellin' ya!"

"Don't get too cocky, little man or you'll jinx it." I warned as I looked on in fascination. Only Sodapop could manage this.

"Get some chocolate milk, Darry!" Soda laughed.

I hadn't seen Soda this excited since Pony came home for the first weekend since being hauled off into that foster home. I knew how horrible the past months had been on him; the two of them adored each other and if _I_ was struggling to let go of who Ponyboy used to be, I couldn't imagine how painful it must have been on Soda.

I put my soup back down on the coffee table and made my way to the kitchen to get a glass of chocolate milk for Pony. When I came back, I wished I had a camera or something to take a picture. The look on Soda's face was comical as each swallow Ponyboy could complete successfully, brought so much joy and triumph to Soda's face.

Sodapop saw me, and slowly put his bowl of soup next to mine and held out his hand for the glass. His grin was as crazy as I'd ever seen, and I just chuckled as I sat down in my previous spot, and continued with my late supper.

"Alright, Pony. This is the moment you've been waiting for."

I shook my head and continued chuckling between spoonsful of soup, and realized I'd forgotten about all the shit we had to deal with during the day. I was feeling a lot better than I had been since waking up that morning and having to hide my brothers like they were common thieves. My brothers were still alive; still breathing and as it turned out, eating right beside me.

"Way to go, Pony." Soda was so encouraging of this small yet gigantic leap that our brother was able to take.

"Not so fast, Soda." I reminded him a few seconds before what I wanted to avoid, happened.

Ponyboy started sputtering and coughing as he tried to swallow too much and too fast and was choking instead. I managed to keep calm despite the fact I started to worry a bit when the coughing fit didn't cease. Pony coughed so hard, he started to retch a little and his face was turning red. I pushed him forward a bit and started beating on his back to try and get him to stop coughing. It took a couple of minutes before it started to work.

"It's alright, just try to breathe. Okay, little buddy?" I spoke calmly to him, and in a moment, he caught his breath.

"I'm sorry," Soda apologized out loud as he looked at Pony worriedly.

"It's okay, Soda. Let's just take it easy from now on, alright?"

"Yeah, sorry. I got a little excited. You gonna be okay, Pony?" Soda pressed his forehead up against Pony's while Pony just yawned.

"I'll take that as a yes." I commented as I grinned and rubbed Pony on the head. He let out another cough, but stopped once I leaned him back against the couch.

It was about that time when Two-Bit quietly opened the front door and waltzed in the living room holding the bags of supplies that were stashed in his car over at Buck's.

"I thought you might need these," Two-Bit grinned as he showed off the bags of medical supplies like they were gifts.

"Two-Bit, you gotta be a mind reader or somethin'!" Soda smiled as he spoke the same thoughts that were running through my own mind.

I realized then that I hadn't given Two-Bit enough credit. Maybe deep inside there was a reason I picked him to look out for my brothers. This crazy guy who spent his life cracking one joke after another could be as sharp as a nail when given the chance. It was so easy to forget how loyal he was when all he did was goof around. But there were moments like this, or moments like when Johnny and Ponyboy had gone missing and he was the first one out of the house and heading towards his car, ready to make the drive to Texas to find them and bring them home.

"Hell, Soda. I'm just naturally a great guy. Don't forget it!" He chuckled and headed out of the room.

"Two-Bit, wait!" I stood up from the couch and made my way to the door to catch him before he left. He turned around and looked at me curiously.

"I…" I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to say or how to say it, but I needed him to know how important his help was to me.

"I…just…thank you for everything today. I never…I mean…you're a great friend, Two-Bit. You really saved me today." I fumbled over my words.

Two-Bit looked at me like I'd grown a third eyeball at first, but then cocked an eyebrow at me and smiled.

"Darry, I told ya. Your brothers are mine too. We're family, so stop makin' a fuss about it. I'll stop by tomorrow to entertain the kid if you and Soda need a break, or need to run errands or whatever. Let me know what y'all need."

I nodded at him and grinned, holding the door open for a moment while he passed by me and headed off the steps and down the walk. I watched him after he'd closed the gate behind him and disappeared into the dark as he headed home. I let myself feel wistful at how much had changed for all of us since the death of Johnny and Dally. I was only twenty-one, but I'd never felt so old.

I closed both the screen and front door, and headed back to the living room to find Sodapop busy syringe feeding Ponyboy formula through his feeding tube. I was more than grateful that I had him to help me with the weight of everything, but at the same time I hurt knowing all this responsibility landed on him as well and he was only seventeen.

"That medicine for his seizures should be in that smaller bag if you wanna go and measure it out. It's pretty late." Soda yawned as he continued feeding Ponyboy like it was normal to be feeding somebody through a tube that was coming out of their nose. Sodapop amazed me with his resilience sometimes.

After rifling through the bags, I grabbed what was needed and drew up the medications he'd need for the night. I handed the syringes over to Soda, who gave them in between some flushes of water. I could tell that events of the day took their toll on Pony. His eyes were heavy and he looked worn out.

"You ready for bed?" I asked him, feeling pretty damned tired myself. Pony blinked, but I wasn't sure if it was an answer, or just a regular blink with no intention.

"Go to bed, Darry. I'll get him ready, it's okay. You look beat." Soda gave a slight smile as he looked up at me.

I was relieved by Sodapop's offer to look after Pony for the night, but the three of us were in this together. "I'll tell you what, if the three of us work together it'll be a lot easier and we can all hit the sack."

Soda scratched his head as he nodded. "Whadaya think, Pony? Sound like a plan?"

Ponyboy took a deep breath and nodded tiredly back at the two of us. Turned out it was a good plan; we were all in our beds less than twenty minutes later. Tomorrow would be a new day, and it was an opportunity to do better, and as Sodapop suggested, start over.

* * *

I heard the crash before Soda hollered out for me in the dead of night. I bolted up out of bed feeling groggy and disoriented. My feet hit the floor and I hurried my way into my brothers' room. The door was open a crack and I pushed my way in, turning the light on.

"I didn't do anything to him, I swear!" Sodapop cried as he looked at me terrified.

Ponyboy was sprawled out on the floor with Sodapop crouched down by Pony's feet. His eyes seemed as though they weren't focussed on anything, and his breathing was labored and loud. The chair of the desk was tipped over, and I cringed with dread as I noticed the swelling starting on the right side of Ponyboy's forehead.

"What the hell happened?"

I was on my knees in a second beside Ponyboy, not knowing what just went on. I figured he'd had another seizure, but if it landed him out of his bed and onto the floor I could only worry that it was because of my lack of thinking earlier on in the day that put him at risk.

"He was having a nightmare. I put my arm around him like I always do and he completely lost it! Tried to get outta bed and he hit the desk. Darry, his head!" Soda was bawling at this point, sick with worry about our brother.

I eased my way closer to Pony, but he looked at me like he didn't even know who I was. His eyes were wild as he shook his head back and forth and slid himself backwards across the floor and away from Soda and me. His right hand grabbed at his face; and he tore the feeding tube right out from his body. I could tell the action was tearing Soda up, but I knew in Pony's mind he was at that house again. I had to get him out or he was going to hurt himself.

"Ponyboy, you're home. It's okay, you're with me and Soda. It's okay." I tried to speak soft enough so as not to spook him, but Pony continued to shake his head at me.

"Pony…" Sodapop sobbed and reached out to touch Pony's foot, and Pony went wild.

"Don't touch me!"

His voice was a mangled mess through the damage done to his throat from that respirator, but his words were clear. With his one good hand, he slid his way backwards until he was trapped in the corner of the room, and I wanted to cry. He was terrified and broken. I had to get him out of that room he thought he was still in. I had to get it through to him that nobody would ever hurt him like that again.

"Ponyboy, I want you to listen to me. You're okay; nobody here is ever gonna hurt you, do you understand?"

I eased my way, shuffling on the floor and inching closer to Pony in his corner. He looked at me, but I knew that he wasn't seeing me; he was seeing Him. The monster. His eyes lost their wild look, and melted into sadness. His head continued shaking back and forth.

"Please…" he was begging me, and I wondered what all was done to him that I wasn't aware of, but at the same time, I wondered if I'd survive it if I knew.

"Please don't touch me. Please just leave me alone." His voice rasped and scratched and it sounded so painful.

I continued to edge my way closer to him until I was there. I reached out slowly and touched his arm. He took in a sharp breath and flinched away like I'd belted him. I tried again with the same result, and then I tried again repeatedly until Pony couldn't do anything but cry out.

"Pony," I swiftly grabbed him, shaking him so he'd snap out of his dream or delusion, and come back to us from that nightmare he'd cornered himself into, but he didn't. He looked at me like I were the devil himself out to get him.

"PONY, STOP IT!" I yelled as I grabbed his head in both of my hands and gave him one last jolt.

Pony blinked at me a few times before he squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. He reached up with a shaky hand and winced when he touched the right side of his forehead with his fingertips. His eyes stayed closed and he took in another shuddering breath.

"You're home. You're safe, okay? I won't ever let anyone hurt you again, do you understand me?"

He opened his eyes and looked at me with a look of absolute defeat. I looked back at him. I hurt so bad for my brother, I could barely stand it. I could promise to protect him until I was blue in the face, but that would never change what was already done, and I didn't know if I'd ever be able to live with that. I didn't know if any of us would be able to live with that.

"Darry!"

And there it was; a light in the dark. The sound of my name scratching out from where I never thought I'd hear it again. With his head still in my hands, I stared in his eyes. The green and grey flecked irises held my gaze, telling me that he was still there under the pile of despair. His body might have been broken, but I could still see my brother deep in those eyes.

"Darry!" He repeated, and I grabbed him forcibly out from the corner of that room, and held him tightly.

I looked over to Sodapop, and found him beside himself with what was probably grief, shock, and worry. He was crying, with that big heart of his stitched on his sleeve; his head in his hands sobbing. I was reminded again of the powerful bond they had. I needed to get both of my brothers settled and safe out of harm's way.

"Darry," Pony croaked out again, and I just held him tighter.

"Shhhh…it's okay, baby. I know, I know. It's okay. Don't talk, okay? I don't want you hurting yourself." I whispered and kissed the side of his head.

I felt his arm slide up my back and hold on to me as he shook. It was late, and the three of us were a mess of emotions. I didn't really think about it, I simply lifted Pony from the floor and headed for my bedroom. I set him gently on my bed, and he looked at me a little confused as I turned on the lamp from the nightstand. I gently touched the goose egg that was forming on his forehead and leaned down kissing him on his hair.

"I'll be right back, okay?"

Pony nodded, and I headed back for the other bedroom. Soda was on the floor exactly as I'd left him. I kneeled in front of him and reached out to stroke his hair. He looked up at me, and slowly shook his head while trying to wipe his tears away.

"I didn't do anything. I don't understand." Soda hiccupped.

"I know, little buddy. I know you'd never hurt him." I said softly.

"What'd he do to Pony, Darry? What'd he do to my brother?" Soda began sobbing again, and I let him. I kept my hand on his head, continuing to stroke his hair, hoping I could offer some comfort to him like he'd always given me.

"You don't wanna know the answer to that, Soda. It'll take time, but we'll get him through this though, we just gotta stick together. All of us."

Sodapop nodded as his crying slowed. He sniffed and wiped at his face, clearing the tears. I stood up and put my hand out for him to grab. He looked at me confused, but then took it and got himself off the floor.

"Where's Pony?" He asked.

"C'mon, Pepsi-cola. It's late and we're about a year behind on sleep." I headed for the door and shut the light off.

He followed me into my room and stopped at the door when he spotted Ponyboy. Pony was where I'd left him; sitting quietly on the bed waiting. They were both looking at each other, getting teary eyed again while I shook my head at them.

"You two wanna hurry up and hug it out so we can all get some shut-eye?" I flopped on the bed beside Ponyboy and looked expectantly at Soda.

"I'm tired, Soda. C'mon, he don't bite unless you're the one grounding him." I frowned as I felt my eyes get heavy.

Soda smirked and gave a soft laugh as he timidly reached out to touch his little brother on the cheek. Pony looked up at his idol and tried to smile back, but he still looked spooked from earlier. Soda sat beside him and pulled him into a hug while I laid down, shoving my legs back under the blankets. I watched, waiting for them to break apart, but it didn't seem to be happening.

"I'm sorry," Pony managed to croak out, and it bothered me to know it must have hurt a lot for him to do it.

"Shush up. You got nothin' to be sorry about. I'm the sorry one, kiddo but it's gonna be alright." Soda squeezed his brother a little and then broke off the hug with a smile.

"Sounds like we're all sorry tonight. Can we get some sleep now?" I mumbled as I sat up.

I hauled Pony over my legs and rolled him to the middle of the bed and then rolled myself over onto my back. Soda chuckled as he walked over to the other side of the bed and lifted the covers and got in. I reached my arm out to shut off the bedside lamp, but Pony tapped my chest with his hand and shook his head.

"He likes the light on." Soda informed me as he helped Pony get under the covers.

"Alright," I mumbled and then yawned as my eyes closed.

"Hey, we ain't done this since we was little kids, huh Pony?" Soda reminisced and I found myself smiling at the memory of when the three of us were young. All it took was one thunderstorm, and I'd have these two crazy brothers of mine jumping in my bed in the middle of the night, hiding from the lightning and the loud cracks of the sky.

I turned my head to look at my brothers; my family. Pony was over on his side facing me with Soda behind him, an arm thrown over Pony's shoulder. They were both looking at me; looking to me to lead the way and make things right again. Looking to me for protection.

"You okay now, hon? Is this okay for tonight?" I gently touched Pony on the head where it was swelling.

Pony nodded and his eyes closed, making him look peaceful considering what happened not moments earlier. I looked over at Sodapop and he smiled at me before closing his own eyes and finding his own peace for the time being.


	24. Twenty-four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

Morning came too soon for me. For as exhausted as I felt after a day chalked full of challenges and learning curves, I had a hell of a time staying asleep. I should have been okay, the day ended well despite a few screw ups on my part along the way, but I still laid there worried. I wondered about Pony’s nightmare. I was wishing for one thing from having his head bashed in so brutally, and that was that he wouldn’t remember any of the atrocities that were done to him. I prayed and prayed every day that he wouldn’t remember any of it, but with his outburst during the night, I was no longer confident that my prayers were going to be answered. I lay awake for I don’t know how long thinking, wishing, and praying.

I was absolutely crazy about my brothers. One sensitive with a reckless streak, the other a hopeless dreamer, but as crazy as I was about them, I was definitely not used to all of us crammed in one bed together. My bed offered a bit more space than theirs, so it seemed logical to lead them over to my room for the night after such a scare. But now Pony was rolled over using me as a human pillow, and Sodapop was plastered to the back of him; his own arms hitting me in the face from time to time. I was feeling a bit claustrophobic. I really had no idea how they managed to share that bed for so long; they had no sense of personal space at all.

I rolled my eyes as Soda shifted, yet again managing to smack me in the face with those long arms of his. I made a point to try and remember to get him back at some point during the day. I looked down, and grinned at my youngest brother. He looked a lot younger than fourteen with his face squished up against my chest and his arm and leg sprawled out over me. I would’ve let him lay like that forever if I could have, but there was no sense laying in bed if I wasn’t going to get any sleep.

I squeezed Pony’s thin frame to me a little before I leaned over to softly brush my lips against his forehead. I gently rolled him off me, and grimaced when I noticed him stir. I really didn’t want to wake either of my brothers. It had been a long night, and the both of them needed to catch up on their rest. I shoved the pillow I’d been using closer to Pony. He rolled back over, hugging it to him. I reached out and gently touched the side of his face when he inhaled, smelling me on the pillow. I smiled thinking back to how I’d done the same with his pillow not so long ago; grabbing at anything to keep him close to me. Anything to keep him with me. It was a miracle that he was still here. I gently rubbed his head and then stood up, quietly leaving the room.

I made my way down the hall to the bathroom to relieve myself. I washed my hands and headed for the kitchen to go make a pot of coffee and decide what to make for breakfast. It was six in the morning, and although I was used to being up at that hour, I was usually in bed a lot earlier than I had been the night previous. I was tired.

"What the hell happened to your brother?"

I jumped about a foot, when a voice came up from behind me as I was getting the coffee maker up and running. I spun around and was shocked to find Tim Shepard sitting at the table, reading the newspaper. I hadn’t seen Tim since the night we fought it out with the socs; the night Johnny and Dally died.

"Jesus H. Christ, Tim!" I caught my breath, wondering what brought Tim so far from his downtown turf.

"You’re gettin’ pretty jumpy in your old age, Curtis." Tim grinned from the top of the paper. "Curly told me about your brother. What the fuck happened?"

I thought about Tim’s younger brother Curly. Like Ponyboy and Sodapop, Curly idolized his big brother and was pretty much a miniature version of this tough hood. Pony and Curly had been pretty good friends despite the fact I wasn’t always happy about it. Curly didn’t mind getting into some trouble here and there, and it was a usual occurrence for him to visit the reformatory, an influence I wasn’t happy to have waving in my brother’s face.

"Whatcha doin’ here, Tim? It’s been awhile." I approached him and we shook hands.

"Found myself in your nick of the woods last night. Needed a place to crash. A lotta commotion here last night. What the hell? The kid always that wild?"

"Depends," was all I could say to him as I turned back to the coffee pot, watching it work.

"Heard he spent some time away from you guys."

"Yeah. State decided he’d be better suited in a foster home."

"Shit, nobody’d take my brother. I tried giving him away once, but no such luck." Tim chuckled and I tried to grin, but every time I thought about Ponyboy in that foster home, I wanted to break something.

"Had a rough go of it, I take it." Tim eyed me curiously, and I just nodded.

"Want some coffee?" I offered and Tim nodded back.

"You got one helluva kid brother, Curtis. Tough little shit, and smart too. Was hoping he’d rub off on Curly, but Curly’s back in the reformatory, the stupid fuck." Tim shook his head, but was grinning, no doubtedly still proud of his young punk of a brother.

"Thanks, Tim. You take anything in yours?" I asked as I placed a cup of coffee in front of him. He shook his head.

"Y’know, Dally always went on about how good a kid he was too." Tim went on complimenting my family, and I had the feeling that something was up. I knew he was looking for something.

"Well, that’s real nice of you to come all the way over here to tell me how much you like my brother, Tim. What’s the deal?" I sat across from him with my own cup of coffee.

"I heard you might be needing a little help."

"Help with what?"

"Locating a certain scum bag."

"Yeah? And where did you hear that?" I took a deep breath and looked at him coolly.

"That crazy fucker, Two-Bit. Told me what happened, man. I’m sorry, Darry. You need anything, you let me know."

"How much did Two-Bit tell you?" I asked slowly, not quite sure if I was mad at Two-Bit or not for blabbing his stupid mouth off.

"That he got hauled off to some foster home, and the jagoff that was supposed to be lookin’ out for him was using him as his personal glory hole." Tim eyed me as he took a gulp from his coffee.

I flinched at the impersonal way he’d described what happened to my brother. It was disgusting and I was offended, but I was blaming it on the wrong person. Tim was just calling it as he saw it; he didn’t mean any offense, that’s just the way he was. What I was really offended by, was the fact that some fucking sicko thought he could do what he wanted with my brother, and thought he’d get away with it.

"I guess that’s the gist of things." My voice was shaking as I fought images of my brother and that monster out of my head.

"Whadaya wanna do about it, man?" Tim asked as he took another drink of coffee.

"I want that motherfucker to pay for what he did."

"Well, if it’s blood you want, Darry, I’m your huckleberry." Tim grinned, excited by the prospect of dishing out a beating.

"It ain’t your fight, Tim. This is my punishment to dish out. This is my family he fucked with, and I need to make sure he doesn’t ever fuck with it again."

I was suddenly very aware of what I was saying. I was prepared to go all the way, and sacrifice everything so that my baby brother could have some sort of peace, some sort of resolve. I would take whatever consequences there were so that my brother could have his life back, even if that meant giving up mine.

"You do know what you’re saying, don’t you?" Tim raised his eye brows and stared over his cup of coffee, reading my mind. "You’ll need help." Tim offered with the knowledge of somebody that had the experience in this particular field.

I nodded at him, keeping my eyes trained on him. I knew killing a man would change who I was. There would be nothing setting me apart from the gangster hood that sat across from me at my table. The one thing that scared me most, was that I no longer cared. My brothers meant everything to me, and Pony deserved a happy life no matter what. It was time to make that happen. It was time to make it my focus, and end the life of the bastard that tried to take my brother away from me and Soda.

"Martin James Campbell. Late forties. Fat, about five-nine. Grey hair with sideburns. Lived over on Pine a few blocks from the high school. Cops ain’t seen him since he kicked my brother’s head in and left him for dead."

"Your brother; he remember what happened?" Tim asked while he nodded.

I shrugged. "I’m praying not, but I don’t know for sure."

Tim nodded again, finishing his cup of coffee. When he was done, he stood up slowly and walked towards me, placing a hand firmly on my shoulder.

"You do this, Darrel, it’ll change you. You won’t be able to turn back. You need to think this over."

"You didn’t find my brother lying naked on the floor with that maggot’s semen all over him. You didn’t find my brother lying there with his ass tore up, and his head beat in. I did. I want that fucker dead."

Tim let out a breath as I shared the weight of what had happened to my brother with him. I noticed his jaw clench while he looked deep in thought. He nodded his head finally, and patted me on the back.

"I got some work to do. I’ll be in touch. Thanks for the coffee and the use of your couch."

I nodded, not looking at him, not watching as he headed for the door. I sat at the table and thought about what I’d just done. I’d set the wheels in motion for something that would change who I was forever, and it would change my family too. I was ready mentally, but I would need to make sure my brothers would be okay once I’d no longer be there for them. I couldn’t go through with any of this if I knew they wouldn’t be okay.

I didn’t want to go to jail, but it was something I was prepared for. I’d lay down my own life for both Ponyboy and Sodapop if it meant a full happy life for either of them. But Ponyboy wouldn’t have that; too much had been stolen and ripped from him. That’s why I knew what I had to do, no matter the cost.

I felt an ache inside at the thought of having to leave my brothers behind. I didn’t know how long I’d have until I heard from Tim Shepard, but I knew I needed to make a plan. I finished my coffee and headed for the bathroom to empty my bladder again. As I washed my hands, I looked in the mirror wondering how I ended up here. So much had happened in a relatively short time following the death of my parents, and I wondered how they would feel about the path I was about to take. My stomach clenched again, and I made my way back to my bedroom.

Pony was still hugging my pillow when I slid through the door. Soda had rolled over, facing the other way and was giving Pony that personal space I was wondering about earlier. I knew they’d be okay without me as long as they had each other, but that ache was gnawing at me in the pit of my gut and I suddenly felt a physical need to be near them.

I eased my way back down onto the bed, shoving my way into my spot and rolling Pony a bit in the process. His eyes opened slowly, looking at me questioningly. I smiled softly at him while I pushed my arm underneath his shoulder and pulled him to me.

"Go back to sleep," I commanded him gently as I let my hand press up against his forehead, automatically checking him for something wrong like a fever, or a new scratch.

"You okay, Pony?"

Pony nodded sleepily as he curled his way into me, laying his head on my shoulder. He looked like he was thinking about something as he stared at me. I felt a bit self-conscious, like he could somehow tell what I was thinking; like he had a bit of his brother Sodapop’s ESP. I knew he wouldn’t understand right away why I had to do what I felt I had to do, but I knew in time with Sodapop looking out for him, he’d be okay. It wouldn’t be easy though. For any of us.

My heart thudded uncomfortably, and my stomach gave another pull. I looked on at Pony while his mouth moved to tell me something, but no sound came out. I smiled at him, comforted by this newfound closeness we seemed to find in each other’s company. I kissed his head before resting my chin on it.

"I love you too, kiddo."


	25. Twenty-five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.
> 
> I’d like to thank everyone that’s taken the time out to read and leave kudos. The comments pretty cool too!

 

"Hey, Soda! Hurry up, you're gonna be late!" I hollered over my shoulder.

"I'm hurryin'!" I heard him holler back before the usual banter of an arm wrestle started from the kitchen. I heard him curse out loud, no doubt that Steve was kicking his ass again.

I rolled my eyes and turned back to the mirror, finishing up my shave quickly so I could help get Pony out of the tub before Two-Bit showed up. I rinsed my face; washing the remaining shaving cream off, and quickly dried off with a hand towel. I turned and opened the shower curtain; startling Ponyboy who jumped when he looked up at me.

"What the hell are you jumpin' for? I been in here the last ten minutes shaving." I grinned at him while I scolded. Pony looked up at me irritated before grabbing the shower curtain and whipping it closed again.

I whipped the curtain back open, and again made Pony jump just as Sodapop came loping into the bathroom, opening the medicine cabinet and grabbing his hair grease. I gave him a look that told him I thought he was off his rocker when he started humming and dancing around in that tiny little bathroom while he was preening himself like a proud bird.

"You know what his problem is?" I asked Pony. Pony frowned, shaking his head as he looked over at his brother teasingly.

"Hardy har!" Sodapop gave a wry grin. "Y'all think you're so funny, gettin' together to gang up on me. Ha ha!"

I shook my head at him and winked at Ponyboy who was grinning from ear to ear at his crazy brother.

"Ponyboy, what the hell is that?" I asked as I noticed him holding onto something with his bad hand. His left hand was still weak, but after weeks and weeks of work, it madd sone small improvement.

He lifted his arm shakily and showed me the yellow object. It was a rubber duck.

"Where the hell did you get that?" I asked.

"Two-Bit," Sodapop piped up, and Pony squeezed the duck, eliciting a loud squeak.

"Of course," I muttered under my breath while I shook my head and grabbed the bath towel that was hanging from the door and threw it over my shoulder.

"C'mon, little man. I think you've been hangin' around Two-Bit too much. You're startin' to act like him." I smiled as I pulled the plug to the bathtub and hauled Pony up by the armpits. He steadied himself on his good leg while I wrapped the towel around him and then lifted him over the side of the tub.

I flipped the seat and the lid of the toilet down and pointed while I helped Pony sit so I could finish getting ready. He watched Soda and I intently as we fought each other playfully to get full access of the small mirror of the medicine chest. Naturally I won when I started messing up Sodapop's hair each time he'd combed it the way he liked it.

"You're such an ass." Soda laughed out loud and punched my shoulder. "How 'bout you, Pony? Your hair's grown out a bit. You ready to start greasing it back again?"

I looked down at Pony grinning. His reddish-brown hair had grown quite a bit, covering the scars he acquired during his time at the foster home, and deep ones acquired while he was in the hospital having his life saved. It was still sticking out in places though, but it didn't seem to bother Pony which was a lot different for him. He was so proud of his hair before him and Johnny went missing. And after he got hauled off to that foster home, he lost any and all interest in his hair period.

Ponyboy shook his head at Soda, and Soda smiled softly at him before gently rubbing his hair. Pony smiled back, and while they were locked in their stare, talking to each other without so much as a word, I squirted some toothpaste on Ponyboy's toothbrush and held it out for him.

"Here," I waited until he adjusted the bath towel so his right arm was free to take the toothbrush from me.

"You get his clothes out?" I asked Soda absently as I started to button up my shirt. I undid my belt and jeans, tucking the shirt in before doing it all back up again.

"SODA! LET'S GO!" Steve yelled from the living room.

"Yeah, they're on the bed. His formula is made up in the fridge, just don't give it all. There’s enough for this afternoon too. Don't forget to tell Two-Bit about his noon meds. He can just give 'em to Pony; Pony's pretty good at giving them to himself."

This was our new normal discussion. Every morning our routine was waking up, eating, and tag teaming to get Ponyboy up and running for the day. It'd been a couple of months since we brought him home from the hospital, and with a little experience we started getting our new lives to work like a well-oiled machine. There were bumps in the road along the way though. Once me and Soda came up with a plan, things fell into place.

Pony was a great sport about most things. It was strange looking at someone you've known for what felt like forever, and then one day have that person taken from you and in their place, was someone else, only they looked sort of the same. I really missed our Ponyboy, but there were still remnants of him here and there in this version we pulled out of the ruins. He was still a fighter, and worked damned hard to get his strength back, but there was just so much damage done, it was going to be a long battle.

"Alright. Thanks, Soda. Have a good one. Don't forget your shoes." Damned nut was always forgetting to put his shoes on. He hated wearing them, which I never understood.

"Yeah, you too. See you later, Pony. Tell Two-Bit not to eat all the chocolate cake, 'kay?"

Pony nodded while busy brushing his teeth. I put a bowl on his lap and moved a glass of water where he could reach at the edge of the sink. I heard Steve and Sodapop leave for work and I rushed into my brothers' room to grab Pony's clothes. I sorted through the pile Soda made to make sure we weren't missing anything. I hurried back to the bathroom as Pony was done brushing his teeth.

"Alright, kid. You dry enough under there?" I asked as I knelt in front of him with the pile of clothes.

Pony didn't answer. He put his toothbrush in the bowl and put it in the sink before letting his towel drop down. He steadied himself with his right hand on my shoulder while he shakily tried to lift his left leg for me. I grabbed his briefs and sorted them out facing the right direction before sliding his foot through one leg hole, and then the other, pulling them up to his knees. His jeans were next, much in the same way we'd managed his underwear, only after weeks and weeks of the routine, Ponyboy and me realized it was a lot easier to slide his entire legs through until his foot poked out. At this point, Pony could hold onto my belt loops while I hauled him up to lean on me, and I'd hike his shorts and his jeans up in one careful pull.

I bent down to pick up his t-shirt, and playfully pulled it over his head, leaving it to cover his face before I hauled him up over my shoulder and headed for the living room. I could feel him vibrate in a familiar pattern that told me he was laughing. I tossed him on the couch like a rag doll and chuckled as he squirmed his way out of his shirt and looked at me like I was dumber than a sack full of hammers. I sure missed the sound of his voice, but times like these I figured it was better I couldn't hear what he really thought about me.

I grabbed his formula out of the ice box and poured about half out like Soda said. I grabbed the syringe that had dried with the other dishes in the sink, and headed back to the living room. I gave a snort as I put his feed on the coffee table, and unceremoniously lifted his legs so I could sit down beside him on the couch.

"Can you do it yet?" I motioned to the button and zipper on his jeans. There were so many things I'd taken for granted before. Watching Pony struggle, learning to live without the use of an arm and leg made me appreciate things a lot more.

Pony arched his back as he zipped up his jeans with his good hand. He fumbled with the button a while, but eventually got a good hold on it and fastened it closed. He held out his right arm for me, and I pulled him up so he was sitting beside me on the couch. I grabbed his t-shirt, and only had to help slip it over his bad arm; Pony took charge of the rest. I couldn't help but lean in, and softly rub the side of his face with the back of my knuckles. He just amazed me with how far he'd come. I had no idea where that strength and determination came from.

"You ready for breakfast?" I asked as I checked the feeding tube that was taped securely to his cheek. Pony's right hand moved as if to pull it out, and I slapped it away.

"Don't you dare! Don't even think about it or I'll haul your ass to the hospital and let the nurses shove it back in!" I warned.

Putting that feeding tube back into my brother was hell. I hated it, Soda hated it, and sure as hell Pony hated it. It'd come out twice since being home, and both times I had to put it back, had Soda in a fit of hysterics because Pony had a breathing episode. More specifically, he stopped breathing. He started again, of course, but not before I thought I'd killed him. Twice. I swore I'd never put it back in again even though I had to be trained before they would discharge him from the hospital. I was capable, but leery.

Pony put his hand back down and sat patiently while I made my checks to ensure the tube was where it was supposed to be before pushing feed in with the syringe. Everything checked out okay, so I started feeding him while we waited for Two-Bit to show.

"You get your medicine this morning?" I asked. Soda wasn't very specific, but it wasn't like him to forget. Still, it was dangerous if Ponyboy missed a dose, and we couldn't afford not to check and double check.

Pony nodded as he yawned, looking uninterested in watching me squeeze yet another meal for him through his tube. He'd had a little success eating by mouth, but I was too scared to push it. Watching him choke and sputter brought back too many bad memories for me. As much as Pony hated it, I just felt better feeding him through the feeding tube.

"Howdy, folks!" Two-Bit announced gleefully as he strolled in the front door and headed straight for the living room.

"Hey, Two-Bit," I greeted while I started pushing through the last syringe of feed for Ponyboy.

Two-Bit nodded as he took a seat next to Ponyboy, and grabbed the empty glass I was using to draw up the feed with from the coffee table. He took a whiff and made a face.

"Shoot, kid. When are they gonna let you eat real food? This shit smells like…well, shit." Two-Bit chuckled a bit, but stopped when he saw the very unimpressed look I was giving him.

"He'll eat when he can swallow without choking all the time." I said pointedly to both Two-Bit _and_ Ponyboy.

Pony rolled his eyes, but stopped when I raised my eyebrows at him, letting him know I was serious. For a kid that couldn't talk, his face was expressive enough to let you know exactly what he'd say if he could. I held his chin in my hand firmly, showing him a few of my own facial expressions. He started pouting a bit, so I ruffled my hand in his hair and gave the side of his head a quick peck before I stood up, letting him know there were no hard feelings. He was still frowning at me, but his eyes were soft and forgiving.

"Alright, I have a short one today. I'll be home by two-thirty at the latest." I started with my rant for Two-Bit, who agreed to watch over Ponyboy when me and Soda's schedules conflicted.

It was a struggle to get back to work. Every time I left the house without Ponyboy, it felt like I was suffocating from the weight of the air I was trying to breathe. Panic and worry just always seemed to be in the back of my mind. Sodapop wasn't much better, so we shuffled our work schedules so that at least one of us were home as much as possible.

At first, I wasn't even certain I'd have a job to return to, but I was lucky enough to have a concerned boss who was willing to adjust to my family's new needs. It meant working a lot of split shifts so that I could go home and be there with Ponyboy until Soda, or in this case, Two-Bit could hang around while I went back to work. It wasn't convenient, but it was the best alternative we could come up with short of not working at all, and that was an impossibility.

Two-Bit followed me to the door as I gave him my usual spiel; where everything was, what time Pony needed his medicine, his next feed, what to do if he has a seizure, and of course phone numbers for both me and Sodapop. I got the usual nod nod and "yeah, yeah" while I pulled my tool belt up from the floor and threw it over my shoulder.

"Okay, you got any questions?" I asked Two-Bit as I slid my boots on, and held on to the screen door not wanting to leave.

"Yeah, ain't you leaving yet, Darry? Christ almighty! We're good, I've done this before. Get lost already!" Two-Bit grinned, trying to make me feel better, but the worry was still nagging at me.

"Got it. I'll see you later." I grinned back. "I'll see ya in a bit, Pony." I hollered out to the living room as I opened the door.

"Okie Dokie, kid. You ever drink beer before?" Two-Bit teased, knowing I was within earshot.

"I heard that!" I called back as I made my way out the door.

"I meant ya to!" Two-Bit hollered back and started his crazy laugh.

* * *

The morning started off cool, but it warmed up nicely. Breaking my standing promise to both Soda and Pony, I carried two bundles of roofing up that ladder trying to save some time and get as much work done as I could in the six hours I had. I felt like I'd let my boss, Mr. Garver down. He was one of the bosses I respected, mostly due to the fact he'd always treated me with respect. He was always eager to tell you when you've done a good job, and was generous in rewarding you for the same.

I'd skipped out on over three months of work without so much as a word. When I called him, he acted happy to hear from me. Said he'd talked to my friends who explained my brother was in the hospital, then asked if there was anything he could do to help. I was expecting to be out of work, but instead I was offered the opportunity to make my own schedule and hours until I had a better idea of where my family was at.

Two o'clock came in no time, and I was on my way home. It was a nice day for March, and I was looking forward to spending some time with Ponyboy, and work on getting him up on his feet walking. We had a little improvement with his left arm between me and him working with weights to build his strength, and Sodapop helping loosen the damaged muscle with his skilled hands. I thought it could be a chance to spend some time outside together; poor kid was mostly cooped up in the house.

"Hey, guys. I'm home." I announced as I made my way through the door and dropped my tool belt onto the floor.

I slid my work boots off, and grinned curiously as I heard what sounded like Two-Bit moaning from the living room. My grin quickly turned into a look of concern when I found Two-Bit and Ponyboy on the couch nursing bloody noses and black eyes. They both looked miserable and in pain as they leaned up against each other.

"Jesus Christ! What the hell happened?" I rushed to the couch and planted myself right next to Ponyboy; panic consuming me as my hands and eyes took in every bruise and mark that wasn't supposed to be there.

"Got jumped. Socs." Two-Bit in as few words as he could while he winced with the effort.

"What, here? What the hell were socs doing here? What's going on?" I could feel my pulse throb in my ears as my anger started to rise. We had enough shit to deal with. I was not going to be putting up with the reckless bullshit those socs liked to dish out.

Pony shook his head and looked at Two-Bit as he spoke up.

"No, not here. They're dumb but they ain't stupid." Two-Bit muttered, leaning his head back against the couch.

I was becoming even less happy with where this story was going, and I could feel my patience slipping. It was hard enough dealing with the two teenage boys who were my brothers. Two-Bit was a whole different kind of ball game. I loved the guy like a best friend; a brother. But if it came down to him and Ponyboy or Sodapop, he was gonna lose every single time.

"What the hell did you two do?" I asked, making it clear I wasn't happy with either of them.

Pony frowned, and sunk into the couch a bit while Two-Bit glared at me.

"We're both okay, Darry. Thanks for asking. We didn't do anything but go out for some ice cream. You got this poor kid locked up like he's in jail or somethin', he's goin' crazy!"

"You took him out? What the hell were you thinking?" I yelled.

"Give it up, Darry! Quit treating the kid like he's a goddam baby." Two-Bit yelled back, and I wanted to slug him, but his face looked like it'd had enough for the day.

I looked angrily over at Pony who was visibly uncomfortable with me and Two-Bit fighting. He was staring down at his lap, avoiding looking at either of us.

"He's home because I wanted to avoid this exact thing! You don't think he's been through enough? And where the fuck do you get off getting him ice cream? He can't eat without choking!"

I was furious with the both of them, but mostly Two-Bit. I knew Pony wasn't innocent in this. I knew he'd egg Two-Bit on, getting away with as much as he could, but I depended on Two-Bit to make the right decisions; the best decisions in order to keep Ponyboy safe. I wasn't depending on him looking for a goddam fight to drag my brother into.

"Look, I don't need to listen to this shit from you. I took him out for the drive. We were minding our business when a buncha socs came up giving us a hard time. I got into it and your brother got me out. If it weren't for Pony, I woulda been in a lot worse shape than I am now."

I looked at Pony, whose nose was still bleeding, and his left eye was red and swollen. I grumbled when I noticed his feeding tube missing. My heart pounded in my ears with the thought of having to insert another one. My arm shot up to shove a hand in my hair, but I stopped midway when the action made Pony flinch; his own hand coming up to protect himself from the blow he was expecting from me.

My heart sank, and I could feel my jaw tremble as I fought to keep my emotions at bay. He actually thought I was going to strike him again. I tried to put that night behind me so many times. Pony even forgave me; hugging me and telling me he was sorry too. I could still hear the sickening thud in my head from Pony hitting the front door after I'd slapped him so hard. I was so scared I'd lost him that night; I was still scared of losing him.

I felt the moist heat as my eyes betrayed me, and let a few tears escape. Pony's hand moved, and he looked at me like he wasn't sure who I was. I felt the same way; I wasn't sure who I was anymore. I had a job and a promise to fulfil and I was doing shit at both. Everything felt so jumbled up and fucked up, I didn't know which way was which anymore. But watching my brother cower in fear from me broke my heart, and I didn't know if there was any way I could ever fix what happened between us on that stupid, horrible night.

Pony looked at me sadly, moving his hand to reach for me. I grabbed it, and held it in both of my hands; staring at it while trying to avoid his gaze.

"I know I got no right to ask you to believe me after what I did to you that night, but I'd never hit you, Pony. I lose my temper, and I'm an asshole most of the time, but I'd rather die than hurt you again."

I opened his hand, pressing his palm to my face before I turned my head and kissed it. I gently placed his hand down on his lap, and stood up from the couch looking down at him. I hurriedly brushed my tears away, sniffing, then gently reached out to rub the top of Pony's head.

"Tell Soda not to wait up for me." I turned around and walked around the coffee table, heading for the door.

"Darry, where ya goin'?" Two-Bit sat up straight and looked at me almost with a worried expression.

"Nowhere. Take care of my brother, would ya?" My voice sounded husky as I shoved my shoes on.

And I headed out the door.


	26. Twenty-six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

I had no idea where I was headed, but I knew I had to beat it out of there. If there was one regret that I had in my life, it was hitting Ponyboy. My parents never raised a hand to any of us, not even when we more than likely deserved it. I had let my frustration and fear that night get the better of me, and now everything was a disaster. He was terrified of me, and I couldn't really blame him after everything that had happened.

I wished that I could block everything out for once and not concentrate on all that was wrong. I wished that I could un-see the look on Pony's face, thinking that I'd hit him again. I couldn't even imagine raising my hand to him after everything that was done to him. All I wanted to do was have him feel safe and secure knowing I would do everything I could to keep him out of harm's way. It didn't seem as though I was making good on that, judging from his quick reaction to me today.

I parked the truck in the parking lot of _Checkers_ , and inspected my wallet to see how much money I could waste on feeling sorry for myself. My conscience was definitely telling me to head back home, but I pushed it back as I shoved my wallet back into my jeans' pocket, and stared out the windshield.

I thought back to my own high school days when me and the guys from the football team would sneak into this bar after a game winner. Nobody seemed to ever give a shit if you were seventeen or seventy, so long as you kept out of trouble. It helped being bigger than most of the guys; it made me look older than I was. But when we got going, I'm sure there was no question about it. We were all just a bunch of young punks looking for a good time.

I got out of the truck and made my way for the door to the bar. I hadn't been here since just after graduation with my teammates, bragging about scholarships and some award I'd won for being "boy of the year". Whoop-de-fuckin'-doo! It got me nowhere, but on that night, it didn't matter. We were all high with the possibilities of what could come.

The bar looked and smelled the same. It seemed a little empty, but then again it wasn't even four o'clock, and here I was looking for a bit of calm for my inner storm. The music was loud, but soulful. To me there was nothing wrong with playing Buddy Guy, Albert Collins, or BB King a little loud. Every note they played and every word they sang seemed to reach a place inside me I wasn't even aware of and it always made me think of my dad.

I made eye contact with the waitress as I walked to a booth close to the pool tables, and sat down and watched as she made her way over.

"Hey, sweetheart. What'll it be for you this afternoon?"

Her smile was genuine, but everything else seemed a bit off like she was trying too hard. Her sleeveless top, her mini skirt, her makeup and hair just didn't seem to suit her. But I was there to get blasted, and if I had to go through her to get that way, I could set my judgments aside. I pulled out the twenty that I was planning to add to my emergency fund for the boys, whenever my ass eventually ended up in the slammer. I handed it to her instead.

"What's your name, hon?" I gave her the best smile I could, and waited until she smiled back.

"Wendy, and the only honey around here is you, handsome. You sure you're in the right place?"

"Definitely. I'm Darrel, and I'll be drinking Crown tonight, Wendy. Double shots and you can keep 'em comin’."

"Alright, sugar. I'll be right back." Wendy winked at me before she headed for the bar.

I leaned my head back and closed my eyes while I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. I knew I'd regret this decision tomorrow, but tonight I didn't want to think about anything. The blues music playing already seemed to mellow me out, and I looked over to the empty pool table debating whether or not to rack and play a solo game of eight ball.

Wendy came back with the whiskey, and I'd forgotten how smooth those Canadians could make it. The first glass went down like water, and she was back at the bar getting me my second round.

I walked over to the jukebox to look over their selections, and I felt like I was someplace I could actually belong. There were a lot of good memories I'd had at this particular bar, and even though I was alone, it still felt good.

"Darrel?"

I heard my name from behind, and assumed it was Wendy with my refill. I turned to thank her, but instead it was a beautiful woman with coppery brown hair. I smiled when I saw her, and she smiled back and I almost forgot the reason I was at a bar.

"Darrel Curtis, right? Wow! Do you ever look different. I almost didn't recognize you. How are you doing?"

"Hey," I smiled at her, trying to rack my brain of how I knew her. I thought back to school and the girls I'd taken out, and I couldn't for the life of me picture her although she seemed so familiar.

"I'm good. How are you? Long time no see. What are you doing here?" I played along, hoping she'd give me more information so that I could put the pieces together and figure out where I knew her from.

"Got a day off work. A few of us just needed to wind down with a couple of drinks. What have you been up to?"

"Uh, just the usual. Work, eat, sleep." I sounded like the biggest loser to me, but she laughed so honestly and put her hand on my arm, I started grinning like a fool.

"I totally get it. You sound just like me!" She smiled as she brushed her bangs to the side with her fingers.

"Were you busy? Did you wanna have a drink with me?" I asked, a little forward, hoping she'd say yes so I could get to know her a little more.

My heart sank a tad when she hesitated. She whipped her head back, looking towards the front of the bar, and then turned her head back to me.

"Uh…I'm not sure. I sort of came with my girl friends. It wouldn't be very polite if I ditched them. I…" she tried to continue, but I cut her off.

"It's okay. Don't worry about it, I understand." I smiled, but was disappointed. She was a real looker, and I could tell I'd enjoy her company with or without a drink.

"It's so good to see you. I'll tell everyone I saw you!" She never quit smiling, and I felt it rubbing off on me.

"Sounds good." I waved at her as she headed back to her seat, and wondered who the hell she was reporting back to about me.

I headed back for my table and sat down, a bit of wind taken from my sails, but I knew in a bit I'd forget all about it. I raised the glass of my second drink when Wendy came at me, setting down a third. She sat down across from me.

"One of those nights?" She asked, giving me a sympathetic frown.

"One of those years, Wendy. Here's to me." I toasted myself, the sarcasm thick as honey and dripping off my tongue. It was all lost on Wendy, though. She chuckled as she watched me drink my second double, and shook her head.

"Listen, you're not going to be able to walk out of here at the rate you're going. If you need a ride home or to my place, I'm off at six."

I thought it was nice of her to at least offer, even though it wasn't my style to just land in bed with any random girl. I had my fun with dating and messing around a few years ago, but I had too much on my plate nowadays, I couldn't be bothered.

I smiled at Wendy and reached across the table, rubbing her hand gently.

"I may be here all night." I decided to let her down easy, although I was still being honest.

"Well, let me know if you change your mind." She smiled, and stood up to go back to work.

I headed back to the jukebox and put in my dime for a song, and sat back down. I nursed my tHurd drink a little slower; savoring the sensation of how it warmed me as it made its way down my throat, and down into my stomach. I was far from sloshed, but everything was starting to look a little brighter, and I was starting to feel a little lighter, which was my goal for the night.

It took some time before my dime paid off. Otis Redding was on with "These Arms of Mine", and I smiled at the memory of my mom and dad dancing cheek to cheek to this song; it was dad's favourite. He'd put that 45 on every Saturday evening, and him and mom would stop whatever it was they were doing just to have that moment together. Their three kids would stop whatever they were doing as well, just to watch, with the secure knowledge that they were in an house rich with love.

"Care to take this girl for a dance?"

The beautiful copper haired girl was standing next to my booth and casually held her hand out for me. She smiled when I smiled at her and softly took her hand in mine. Thinking about my parents, I led her to the small dance floor over by the jukebox, and we started to dance. We were silent for awhile as I moved her easily with me across the small dance space.

"You're a very good dancer, Darrel." She complimented me breaking the silence, and I felt her lean into me a bit closer.

It felt nice to be close to a woman like this, but I felt a sudden awkwardness, wondering if I was doing the right things. Things that were so easily forgotten stuck in a house with my band of brothers and all of their testosterone. I inhaled the scent of her hair and smiled at the hint of vanilla and liMac.

"I had a good teacher." I commented absently, suddenly feeling a bit woozy as I realized I could easily fall for a girl like this.

"Who taught you? Your mom?" She asked.

"Nah. My brother." I answered truthfully and smiled as she broke out into soft laughter.

"Which one?" She asked and then I was really starting to get bothered by the fact I couldn't remember her. I was too embarrassed at this point to say anything; we were slow dancing and our bodies were so close. I thought back to a time when I used to be good at this.

"Sodapop. They were teaching social dance at school. I needed to practice before the big test, so he was my guinea pig." I explained.

It was a true story. I was so hung up on being cool and looking good; I didn't want to look like an idiot in front of my buddies and in front of the girls at school. Sodapop was young enough that he thought it would be a hoot and an excuse to goof around. I made him practice with me for hours until I wasn't sure which one of us ended up the better dancer.

"Speak of the devil…" my mystery girl nodded over to the booth I was sitting at, and there was my kid brother sniffing my half-drank whiskey, making an ill face. He was such a lightweight.

I rolled my eyes, but grinned when she caught me and started to laugh. The song was almost over, so we made our way back to the booth. Sodapop was wearing a shit-eating grin and winked at me.

"Hi, Sodapop!" She smiled so beautifully at my brother, I almost wanted to punch him.

"Hey there, Beth! How's life treating you?" Soda winked and turned on the charm to full capacity. I rolled my eyes again. _What a putz._

"Can't complain, but sometimes I still do. How about you?"

"I'm doing better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick." Soda proceeded to steal Two-Bits favourite line. "The hospital let you have a night off?"

"They do that from time to time." She giggled and I felt like an idiot.

"Beth!" I hollered out, finally remembering how I knew her.

She had been one of the nurses looking after Ponyboy while he was in PICU. I felt lIke a complete ass for not remembering her right away. She was one of the nurses I'd respected the most. I remembered arriving to the PICU that first afternoon after finding Pony, and she was the first nurse to care for him. Everything was a mess, including myself.

_When the ambulance finally showed up to help with Ponyboy, he'd already stopped breathing. I completely panicked and froze up, not knowing what to do. The medics charged in and I watched in horror as they worked on him in that room where he'd been tortured and raped repeatedly, and I thought that was it. I thought he was gone._

_They wouldn't let me ride with them on the way to the hospital, but I was on their tail the whole way there. I waited in the emergency for hours, waiting for anyone to tell me what was going on. I was alone and trying to comprehend what had happened. I knew what I saw in that room, but I couldn't quite wrap my head around it. A lot of it was shock, but I'd never known of this kind of thing before seeing it with my own two eyes._

_After so much time had passed and I was still waiting, I became convinced that my little brother didn't make it. I remembered wondering how I was going to tell Sodapop that Ponyboy was dead. I remembered wondering how I was going to tell him what happened period, and then decided not to hurt Sodapop with the truth. I was going to take it with me to my grave._

_They managed to get him stable enough to send him to the PICU. I was told that it was to die; they didn't expect him to make it through the night. Beth was right there beside me, leading me into that little room with the glass door, leading me to that bed where Ponyboy was hooked up to so many wires and tubes and machines that I didn't know where they ended and he began. She was the one to tell me that he could hear me and feel me. She told me to touch him and talk to him. And when Sodapop showed up after I was strong enough to place that phone call and lie to him, she was there for him as well._

"You had no idea who I was, did you?" She frowned teasingly at me.

"Don't take it personally. Darry's a little slow." Soda chuckled, and I just looked at him.

"Ain't it past your bedtime, little man? How the hell did you manage to sneak in here anyway?" I grabbed my drink from the table, and downed it, hoping it would save me from more embarrassment.

"Seriously. Do they ID anyone here? Don't you remember when you snuck me in last year and we got totally plastered? Oh man, was mom sure pissed at you!" Soda chuckled, and I couldn't help but laugh at the memory.

"And I suppose you got away scott free?" Beth grinned at Soda.

I was impressed; she knew the score. Soda and I both started laughing and nodding. Sodapop laid it on so thick when our parents found out we snuck into a bar, mom actually felt sorry for him while I got grounded for two weeks. That goddam smile of his got him out of more trouble than I'm sure I even knew about.

"Well, you have to tell me how Pony is doing. We totally miss him. It was so amazing to watch him get better." Beth gushed and sat next to Sodapop while I took my seat across from them.

"He's amazing, Beth. You gotta see him. You guys did some great work, doing all that you did for him." Sodapop did some gushing of his own, while I sat back and grinned proudly at the thought of what Pony had overcome. No one thought he would make it and he blew them all away.

"Everyone is going to go crazy when I tell them I ran into you two. You should bring him by; we'd love to see him. He's such a sweetheart." Beth continued and I could help but chuckle. If Pony heard the way she was talking about him, he'd light up like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and slide under the table in embarrassment.

"Do people do that?" Sodapop asked curiously.

"Only the special ones." Beth answered sincerely and looked me in the eye when she said it. I was a little buzzed, but I still felt my stomach flip a little. I grinned and slowly brought my third drink closer to me, suddenly having second thoughts on how drunk I really wanted to be.

"Uh oh, here comes trouble." Soda laughed and nudged Beth at his side.

I looked at him confused, and turned in my seat to see who he was talking about when Two-Bit slid into the booth next to me pushing me over. His arm wound around my shoulders, and he hugged me to him, planting an obnoxiously wet kiss on my cheek before breaking out into laughter.

"You still mad, Superman?"

"Only if you do that again." I warned as I closed my eyes and winced. Why did these two goons have to show up and ruin a perfectly good buzz?

"Party pooper," Two-Bit teased and then turned his attention to Beth. "Well now, who've we got here? Superman and Supernurse out on a date? Darry, you didn't check with your mom and I first. You were supposed to be home hours ago. You know how we worry."

"Oh, for Christ's sake, Two-Bit. What do you want?" I asked miserably as he hugged me closer to him, and Beth and Soda laughed.

"After all I've done for you, and that's the thanks I get? Sheesh, Darry. I thought you loved me?"

My eyes rolled as I turned to look at him. I did love the stupid jerk. Things were easy with Two-Bit. He had your back without you having to ask. He'd cut his arm off for you if you needed it. He'd pay your bills while you were off work for three months, and he never held a grudge. Aside from Sodapop, it was safe to say that Two-Bit was my best friend.

"You're crazy, you know that don't you?" I gave up and let the moron get a grin out of me.

"Well, that's more like it. Now your mom and I can sleep well tonight. What are we drinking?" Two-Bit grabbed my glass and helped himself. He nodded in approval after the first swallow.

"What the hell are you two doing here?" I asked, and then it dawned on me and I was back to my old self again. "Where the hell is Ponyboy?"

"Relax, Darry." Soda started.

"Yeah, he's over at the bar." Two-Bit finished and I felt my heart pound.

I bolted up and looked behind me to check; not really putting it past the two of them to pull a stunt like that, and Sodapop, Two-Bit, and Beth broke out in hysterics. I slowly sat down, frowning at the three of them.

"Ha. Ha. Ha." I said, not impressed in the least which only made them laugh harder.

"He's in the car with Steve." Soda smiled, and I breathed a small sigh of relief, and nodded.

"Well gentlemen, my girls are waving me down. It's time to go, but I thank you all for the entertainment."

All three of us tried to stand up in that booth as Beth slid out and stood beside the table. I hated the fact that I didn't have more time alone with her, and I didn't want to ask for her number in front of my brother and his sidekick for the evening. Our eyes met though, and I found myself smiling.

"Please think about what I said. Bring Ponyboy over for a visit. I'm serious; he's like our miracle kid. Everyone still talks about him and wonders how he's doing."

"We'll do that." I said, and I meant it. It made me feel good to know how much they cared about my brother.

Beth smiled that dazzling smile at me, and waved as she returned to her friends. Sodapop watched her intently as she walked away, and shook his head appreciatively. When he was finished ogling, he looked back at me and his smile was ridiculous.

"Tell me you got her number." He was practically begging for the gossip, but he was going to be disappointed in his older brother who was rusty at picking up girls anymore.

"None of your damned business. What the hell are you two doing here anyways?" I pretended to be annoyed with the both of them, but I really wasn't. This wasn't how I planned to end my binge session with alcohol, but the evening wasn't a total bust.

"Come home, Darry." Soda said, and reached out to grab my hand.

I looked at him and sighed as Two-Bit moved out of the booth and left us brothers to talk. I looked at my half empty glass of whiskey, realizing I was finished and no longer wanted to get wasted. I wanted to be home with this family of mine, and let them know I'd always be there for them by making a safe, secure and stable home for them.

"Is he okay? I lost my temper." I tried to explain, but Soda just shook his head at me.

"It wasn't you, Darry. He didn't know why he did that, he just did and he feels like shit. He loves you so much, Darry. He knows you'd never hurt him. It wasn't you, I'm tellin' ya. You're so amazing with him. I feel like things are so much better, even though we almost lost it all. Please don't let this get in your head, Darry. It wasn't you."

"How can you say that it wasn't? You didn't see how scared he was of me. He was terrified."

"Maybe it was Him. It's not like we've pushed Pony for information, Darry. Neither one of us actually knows how much he remembers. He feels so bad, Darry. When you left him and Two-Bit, he freaked out. He's crazy about you. He knows as long as you're around, nobody can hurt him."

"He tell you all that?" I asked sarcastically, thinking Soda was just saying all of this just to make me feel better.

"He don't have to. I just know. He's always been crazy about you, you guys just never dug each other. You guys are just different; think and feel things differently. He needs you, Darry. Come home."

If Soda said it was so, then I knew it was true. I sighed and nodded, squeezing his hand. I grinned at Soda, and he grinned back and simultaneously, we edged our way out of the booth and headed for the door. I gave Beth a wink and a nod as we passed her table. She winked back, and I knew I'd be seeing her again sometime soon, but for now I had to go see about my brother.


	27. Twenty-seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

"How’d you do that?" I asked, amazed by my brother’s gift.

"Do what?" Soda looked at me and smiled, leaning in a little closer as we exited the bar, each having an arm around the other.

"How did you remember her? Beth, I mean."

He was so medicated while we were there in that damned hospital room waiting for Ponyboy to either live or die, it amazed me that he had _any_ memories of being in that hospital, let alone memories of the staff. Pony had quite a few nurses looking after him. I wondered in the back of my head if Soda could remember them all.

"I dunno," he shrugged as he pointed over to Steve’s car. "She stood out…besides her looks. I liked the way she was with Pony. She wasn’t afraid like some of the others were; like he was a ticking time bomb, ready to blow up. She helped you give him his first bath, remember?"

I did remember. Nobody really bothered to clean that nightmare of a mess off my brother besides where it was obvious in places. It didn’t outright bother me at the time; I understood there were priorities with Pony’s care, and getting him primped and pampered was at the very bottom of the list. After a while, I was fed up with looking at it. It was another reminder of how I’d found my brother. It was a reminder of what some maniac had done to him. They all knew and it confused me that the filth didn’t seem to bother them. Beth seemed to feel differently. She must have sensed the timing was right; she was coaching me through the whole process, making me feel more and more comfortable in handling my brother despite how fragile he was.

"Yeah, I remember." I nodded as we came up on Steve’s Chevy. Two-Bit was in the front passenger seat, and Pony was in the back, looking out the window at us. I couldn’t really read his expression.

Soda walked around to the other side of the car to get in. I reached for the handle to the side I was on, and frowned. I hoped that Sodapop was right, and that it wasn’t me that my brother was terrified of, but then again, the alternative didn’t offer much comfort either. Once again, I prayed to the powers that be, that he didn’t remember what happened to him.

I eased the door open and tucked myself into the back seat of the Chevy. I looked at my lap nervously before looking over to Ponyboy who was sitting between me and Sodapop in the back seat. He looked at me expectantly and visibly upset, and I wasn’t sure what to do anymore. I trusted that Sodapop out of anyone in the world would know what was in Pony’s heart, but I still couldn’t erase the look of fear he directed at me earlier from my mind.

I brought my hand up to him and there was no flinching. He just looked sad. I gave a short laugh, incredulous that even now, there was no better expert on the inner goings-on of Ponyboy than Sodapop. I shook my head and grinned, and let my hand trace the side of Pony’s face.

"I’m sorry..." he started rasping out his apology and my hand automatically moved to cover his mouth. Listening to how damaged his throat was made me cringe. I couldn’t handle it, it sounded so painful and I hated the thought of that even more.

"Shut yer yap," I winked at Pony, and threw an arm around him and pulled him closer to my side. Ponyboy leaned his head to rest on me, and Sodapop smiled at the two of us the entire way home.

The whiskey gradually caught up to me. By the time Steve pulled up to the drive, I was a little more than buzzed. It was a good thing I didn’t get the chance to finish that third double. I looked over to my side, and fumbled with the handle trying to open the door. Sodapop was chuckling at me while he had no problem from his side of the car, and made his way out with ease.

Soda opened the car door for me from the outside and I looked over at Ponyboy wondering if it was such a good idea for me to be carrying him up to the house. Things were spinning a little and I shut my eyes tightly before opening them again to look at him. Pony looked at me, and then over to Sodapop before shaking his head.

"Don’t worry, kiddo. Darry’s just three sheets to the wind." Soda burst out laughing while he held out a hand for me to help me out of the car.

"I ain’t that bad." I muttered as I managed to get out of the car with my brother’s help, and not land on my face.

"Uh huh," Soda commented sarcastically as he was smiling at me from ear to ear. He wrapped an arm around me and started leading me towards the house; helping me inside.

"I _can_ walk on my own y’know." I said sourly as I gently shoved Soda away, and then tripped on the first step leading up to the porch. I groaned and just laid there listening to my younger brother laughing at me.

"You okay?" Soda asked through his giggling. I could hear Two-Bit and Steve roaring from the car and knew I’d never live this down.

"Don’t just stand there laughing! Help me up!" I ordered, but then couldn’t help but start giggling too.

"Jesus, Darry. How much did you have to drink?" Soda grinned as he managed to get me on my feet, and we took the steps together, making our way inside.

"I dunno. Two? Three?” I answered as we slowly found our way to the couch and I let myself fall onto it.

"Two drinks and you’re on your ass? And you call _me_ the lightweight?"

"They were doubles." I clarified and Soda shook his head at me. "Do me a favour, little buddy?"

"Coffee?" Soda read my mind, like he always did.

"You’re the best, you know that?" I smiled up at him. Soda grinned down at me before shaking his head again. He patted the top of my head before heading off to the kitchen to start the coffee.

I heard Steve’s car drive off as Two-Bit came in with Ponyboy. Pony was on Two-Bit’s back getting a piggyback ride. Two-Bit deposited my youngest brother next to me on the couch before heading towards the kitchen. Ponyboy looked at me curiously. He’d never seen me drunk before. I grinned at him and shuffled on the couch so that I was at least sitting up straight. Two-Bit came back from the kitchen with a plate of chocolate cake for Ponyboy, and one for himself. Pony broke a piece off, and shoved it in his mouth before I processed what was going on.

"Heyyyy," I reached over to grab the plate of cake from Pony. "You ain’t supposed to be eating that."

Pony looked at me angrily as he pulled the plate away from me and I fell across his lap. I groaned and started chuckling, overcome by Pony’s quick arm and my disorientation. I frowned and rolled over onto my back; Pony’s legs cradling my head. I watched as he scarfed down another chunk of cake.

"If you’re gonna go ahead and eat that, could you at least slow down? I don’t want you choking. Alright, Ponyboy?"

Ponyboy frowned as he paused and looked at me for a moment. He started chewing slowly and then nodded. He broke off another piece and held it out for me. I grinned and opened my mouth letting Ponyboy gently pop it in for me.

"Thanks," I mumbled with my mouth full of cake. Pony nodded as he carefully swallowed, able to get the food down without any trouble.

"Pony, come on!" Soda made his way in with my coffee. He set it down on the coffee table before stealing the plate of cake away from Ponyboy. "You know you’re not supposed to be eating that."

Pony pointed at me in his defence, but Sodapop just rolled his eyes at him before heading back to the kitchen to get rid of the cake. I sighed as I rolled over to my side, and pushed myself up off my brother’s lap. I reached for my coffee, and took a healthy drink.

"Sorry, kiddo." I looked at Pony from the corner of my eye while I held the cup of coffee in both of my hands.

"Ponyboy, when did your brothers become such sticks in the mud?" Two-Bit chuckled. Pony shrugged and then proceeded to pout beside me on the couch.

"Lay off, Two-Bit. We gotta get the "all clear" from the doc before we can start feeding him real food." Soda returned and tossed a package onto the coffee table in front of me. It was a feeding tube.

"Well, he ate fine with me. Never knew Pony was a magician; pulled a disappearing act with that ice cream cone today. If he was wearin’ a hat, I’d be lookin’ for a rabbit." Two-Bit laughed.

"Yeah, the two of you were awful busy today." Soda frowned as he sat beside Ponyboy on the couch and started looking over the bruising around Pony’s left eye.

"Shoot, Soda. You shoulda been there. Pony kicked that soc’s ass." Two-Bit said proudly as he worked on his chocolate cake.

"Yeah?" Soda smiled while he ruffled up Pony’s hair. "Good for you, kiddo."

"What exactly were you two up to today?" I was talking to both of them, but gave a look to Two-Bit.

"I told ya. Went out so the kid could get some air. Landed at the ice cream parlour and we were outside mindin’ our business. Buncha assholes came by and gave the kid a hard time, callin’ him names n’ shit. So, I proceeded to take care of things. Got in a little over my head and next thing I know Pony knocked one of them out before getting’ hit himself. I grabbed him, and high-tailed it outta there in case somebody called the cops."

"Why were they giving you a hard time? What’d they say?" Soda asked.

"I dunno, ‘cause they’re socs? Assholes musta saw Pony having a hard time with that bum leg of his. Called him a retard." Two-Bit frowned.

"Yeah, well I bet they won’t be doing that again anytime soon." Sodapop grinned at Ponyboy, throwing an arm around him. Ponyboy grinned back at his brother, but then stopped when I put my coffee down and turned to look at him.

Normally, I’d lecture the hell out of him for getting into this kind of mess, but I just couldn’t this time. Maybe the alcohol had influenced my mood into remaining a bit mellow, but something about their story made me glad for the fight. The socs sunk to a brand new low. They had no idea what my brother had to go through, and I doubted any of them would care even if they did know. I was glad Pony knocked one of them out; it saved me the trouble of doing it myself.

"Good for you, slugger." I smiled and reached over to squeeze Pony’s shoulder affectionately. Pony seemed a little embarrassed; he looked down at his lap and started blushing, trying to hide his smile.

"So, what do we do about the feeding tube?" Soda asked.

I sighed, taking my hand off Pony so I could use it to rub my face and groan. I hated that my brother needed that thing, but if it kept him fed and healthy then we had no choice. I turned back to my brothers and frowned.

"I’m sorry, baby. We gotta put it back in." I said resigned to the fact.

Soda let out a sigh, but nodded. Pony closed his eyes and winced. When he opened them to look at me, they were full of unshed tears. He started to shake his head, but Soda pulled him in close to offer him comfort.

"It’ll be okay, Ponyboy. We’ll do it real quick." Soda encouraged, but Pony didn’t want to hear it. He shook his head stubbornly. "C’mon, Pony. You’re just making it worse for yourself." Soda continued.

"Wellup," Two-Bit looked uncomfortable as he stood up from my chair. "This is my queue to leave. Good luck, kid. I’ll see y’all tomorrow."

"Later, Two-Bit." I said as he made his way out the door.

"I could give it a try." Sodapop offered. "You been drinkin’ and I figure I should know this anyways. You can gimme a step-by-step."

"You sure you’re comfortable with that?" I asked. I didn’t want to put more responsibility on Soda than he was ready for.

"Is anyone _really_ gonna be comfortable with this? C’mon Darry, gimme a break. This sucks the big one for all of us, especially Pony."

"I know." I sighed tiredly and looked over at Ponyboy. He looked absolutely miserable. "What do you think, slugger? Want Soda to give it a try?"

Pony shrugged indifferently as a few tears rolled out of his eyes. I felt like a bastard for having to put him through this yet again, but there was no way around it aside from duct taping the tube to his face so it wouldn’t ever come out. I shuffled myself around on the couch sitting sideways; moving Pony so that he was sitting in front of me and I’d be able to restrain him from grabbing at the tube while Soda was putting it in his nose and down his throat.

"Get a pen so you can mark how far it goes." I instructed while I pulled on Pony so that he was leaning up against me. Soda got up and headed for his bedroom to grab a pen.

"It’s gonna be okay, Pony." I tried to comfort my brother, but I heard him take in a sharp breath while his hands were rubbing at his eyes, and I could tell how upsetting this whole routine was for him.

Soda came back with a pen and some medical tape, and sat down in front of us. He opened the pack with the tube in it, and looked at me for direction. I gently held Pony’s head straight and forward with one hand, while my other arm wrapped around the both of his, keeping him still. I felt him tense up immediately.

"It’s alright, baby. We’re just measuring." I said softly. "Alright, Soda. Take the tip of the tube and measure from there. Go from the tip of Pony’s nose to the top of his ear, to his ear lobe, and then down to his sternum. That should be how far it needs to go."

Soda nodded and followed my instructions to the letter. He marked the tube and then looked at me as he let out a big sigh. He looked at Ponyboy; the worry clearly marked on his face before he gently reached out to rub Pony’s cheek. Soda leaned forward and kissed his brother on the forehead before returning his attention back to me.

"You’re gonna feel a bit of resistance when it hits the back of his throat. Just twist the tube in your fingers a bit and it’ll go down past that." I commented as Sodapop braced himself, and I tightened my hold on Pony.

"Okay, here we go." Soda announced.

Besides a bit of sputtering and choking, the tube went down smoother than I could’ve done. Pony even awarded us a grin when it was all secured and the process was complete. I loosened my hold on Pony, but didn’t really feel like letting him go right away, so I contently sat with him leaning up against me while I rubbed his hair.

"Good job, little buddy. I’m so proud of you." I said to him lowly while Soda was up getting formula ready to feed him.

Pony relaxed into me as he waited for Soda to come back. I was starting to feel sleepy and a bit worn down while I was stretched out. I let my eyes close as I concentrated on rubbing Pony’s hair. I listened to him breathing and I could’ve fallen asleep except Soda came back, making a ruckus.

"Darry, you gonna pass out on us already? You ain’t even had supper yet." Soda frowned as he sat on the couch next to us.

"What time is it?" I mumbled, opening my eyes as I could feel Pony move away from me to sit next to Sodapop.

"Almost seven," Soda paused. "Y’know, I got this right? Go to bed Darry. I’ll make sure to get Pony ready for bed and all. Supposed to go out later with Steve, but I’ll get him done by the time I gotta go."

I nodded as I threw my legs over the side of the seat, and stood up slowly from the couch. I tiredly waved at my two brothers while I shuffled my way slowly to my bedroom, shutting the door behind me. Too tired to do anything else, I peeled my clothes off and slipped under the covers of my bed. I was out like a light.

I squinted against the brightness of the lamp on my nightstand when I woke up next. I could hear him behind me; his breath jagged and coming out in irregular bursts, like the sound of the tide coming in. I turned myself over, and Pony was next to me, curled up into himself and trembling. I wondered for a moment why he was asleep in my room, then figured this is where Sodapop decided to put him until he got back from his night out with Steve.

"Pony?" I reached over and touched his shoulder, but he didn’t seem to respond. I frowned at the thought of him having another nightmare. It didn’t matter what I did, I could never protect him from those things.

"Come on, little buddy."

I shoved an arm underneath Pony’s shoulders, and rolled him over onto his back. He was awake, and feebly trying to hide the fact that he was crying. I started to think about what Soda had said earlier, that we didn’t really know how much our brother remembered. As much as I wanted to know how much Pony remembered of his time in foster care, an equal part of me was too scared to know, but I knew I’d never be able to help him unless I knew for sure.

"You gonna be okay, Pony?" I asked softly. Pony inhaled and slowly nodded as he rolled his way so he was up against me.

"You have one of those dreams?" I tried a little further. No response.

I felt my gut clench, and I pulled away from Pony so I could see his face. He was looking at me distressed. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to have this conversation without Sodapop, but it was time. I didn’t want to be guessing anymore. I wanted to know.

"Pony, do you remember being in the hospital?" I asked gently as I reached out and started to push back his hair on the top of his head. Ponyboy nodded.

"You remember why you were there?" I tried a little further. Ponyboy looked at me for a moment.

"There was a fire." His voice pushed past the damage, and I hung on to his words.

"A fire?" I clarified, and Pony nodded. "The one in Windrixville?" I asked.

Pony furrowed his eyebrows at me, a strange look on his face before he nodded.

"You remember what happened after the fire?" I asked carefully, relief with dread washing over me.

Pony shook his head slowly as he watched me carefully for my reaction. I was starting to worry that I was about to have a whole new set of problems on my hands when Pony started to cry again.

"Where’s Johnny? Why hasn’t he come to see me? Did he get hurt too?" Pony croaked out his question, and I felt my heart skip a beat as the blood drained from my face.


	28. Twenty-eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton. Many thanks to all that continue to read.

 

I felt my heart skip a beat and the blood drain from my face. Ponyboy didn't remember anything past the fire in Windrixville. It was like my prayers had been answered, but another road block emerged. He didn't remember anything past that fire. He didn't remember Johnny dying. He didn't remember watching Dally get shot down under that street light by the cops. As relief washed over me, another kind of anxiety rippled inwards to take its place. How was I going to tell my brother that his best friend was gone?

"Pony," I started but then I realized I couldn't just blurt out the reality that two friends of ours were dead, and for the umpteenth time, I wished I were Sodapop. He could do this so easily without fouling everything up like I seemed to do. He was left to be the soft maternal voice that was my mom. Me? I didn't know who I was. Someone trying to provide safety and stability; unable to fill either my mom's _or_ my dad's shoes.

"Darry, where's Johnny? Is he sick too?" Pony asked, his eyes as wide as when he was little, and I'd read him and Soda bedtime stories.

"Pony, don't you remember? Don't you remember the rumble? Dally?" I pushed back the hair on the top of his head again, and searched his eyes for some sort of recognition.

"Dally…he knocked me out cuz I was going back inside the church to find Johnny. Is he mad at me?" Pony asked questions, and I wasn't sure if or how I should answer them.

I wished for Sodapop, and then cursed myself for the same. Why was it so hard for me to be more understanding and patient? I loved Ponyboy so much, but there was this invisible wall that existed between us since the loss of our parents. I felt like things were getting better between us, but it drove me nearly to madness with the knowledge that it took almost losing him twice for me to smarten up.

"Pony...Johnny and Dally are gone." I said gently as I let my hand glide down to cup his face. Pony looked at me thoughtfully, his eyebrows drew together as he took a moment to grasp what I'd said.

"Wh…where…where'd they go?" He asked confused, but I could tell he was starting to understand my meaning. His eyes were starting to well up.

"Oh God, Ponyboy. I'm so sorry." Was all I could think of to say.

Pony took a deep breath and shut his eyes; a few tears escaping despite his effort in hiding his emotions from me. He nodded and rolled away from me and was motionless on his back. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I watched as he opened his eyes and stared blankly at the ceiling and I felt uncomfortable as to how to be.

"Did you wanna be alone for a minute? I could track down Sodapop for you?" I looked at the clock. It was only a little after eleven.

Pony sniffed and shrugged. "Okay," he agreed.

"Alright, little buddy." I smiled sadly at him and rolled out of bed and headed for the door.

I closed the door behind me, and listened as my youngest brother broke down and wept uncontrollably for the two friends he couldn't remember losing. I shut my eyes, praying for an answer on how to handle the situation. I was so wrapped up in the after effects of his time in foster care, I didn't quite prepare myself for this. I could hear Pony sobbing on the other side of the door, and was surprised when I felt a tear of my own fall. Life had just been one shit storm after another since that night mom and dad had died. Life just wasn't the same. I was finding it difficult as a grown man. I couldn't quite imagine how it must've felt for Ponyboy who was just fourteen.

I opened the door to my bedroom and quickly made my way back over to the bed. I sat down and hauled Ponyboy up, and held him tightly. Pony threw his right arm around me; his wrecked left arm wedged between us. I could feel and hear as Pony tried to control his sadness, and I felt a twinge of pain that he thought he couldn't share that with me. I wanted him to let me be there. I wanted to be someone he could be vulnerable with.

"Shhhh. Don't do that, Pony. Let it out. It's okay, baby; just let it out." I tried to encourage him. I wanted him to know he could cry; that I wouldn't judge him or think less of him. It only took a moment before he did as he was told. He let it all out.

"Johnny!" Pony cried out while he held on to me, and I squeezed him even tighter.

His body shook as he sobbed and cried out for Johnny and Dally; his broken voice cracking and croaking. I sat there with him, knowing nothing but time was going to help him live through yet another loss, but I'd be there every step of the way for him. I wanted him to feel that through me as I held him close.

"What's wrong? What happened? Ponyboy? Darry, what's wrong?" Sodapop appeared out of nowhere in a panic and rushed into my bedroom. He was beside both me and Ponyboy in a flash; his hands all over his brother, looking him over and trying to find the source of his grief.

"Why?" Pony tried to scream out, but his voice wouldn't allow it.

Soda's fingers buried themselves in Pony's hair, and he pressed his head against Pony's. He looked at me nervously, and I knew what he was thinking. He was thinking my nightmare had come true and Pony remembered being beaten and abused. I shook my head in answer, and Soda let out a sigh of relief. He flashed me another look, wanting to know what happened.

"Pony didn't remember about Dally or Johnny." I spoke softly over Pony's sobs.

The look of devastation was written clearly all over Sodapop's well-drawn features. I wanted to protest when Soda started to pull Ponyboy out of my arms, but I couldn't. I could never be to Ponyboy, what Sodapop was. Pony sank so easily into Soda, absorbing every drop of love, comfort, and understanding that seemed to just naturally ooze out of him. All I could do was sit back and watch; feeling as though I somehow didn't quite fit. But then something I didn't expect happened. Pony reached out for me with his twisted-up arm, and tried to grab for me.

I scooted closer, and then Ponyboy had the love and comfort and understanding of both of his big brothers. I wasn't Sodapop, but then I realized that Sodapop wasn't me. I didn't know exactly what role I provided for Ponyboy, but I let myself accept the fact that I was as important to Ponyboy as Sodapop was. The three of us were a team; we worked as a cohesive unit. We weren't complete when one of us was missing or shut down. We were all we had left in the world, and nothing would come between us. We'd never allow it.

"Oh, Pony. I'm sorry, honey. I'm so sorry. We miss them too. We miss them too." In true Sodapop form, he didn't let his baby brother cry alone. He dove right in there with him; the two of them unabashedly bawling together.

"It's gonna be okay." I said, being the anchor in the sea of sorrow. I wrapped my arms around both of my brothers, and brought the three of us into a tight circle. "We're gonna get through this together, alright? It's gonna be okay, Pony. You're not alone in this. You're never gonna be alone."

"Okay," I heard Pony's reply as I felt him nodding his head. I looked over to Sodapop; his grief over losing Johnny and Dally apparent. Maybe it was a good thing. So much had happened, and we really had no time to grieve losing our two friends before Ponyboy was almost taken out of our lives for good. There was a lot of pain in that, and we dealt with it by ignoring it. Now it was out at a time where we could mourn the loss of them, and help each other heal.

I couldn't let go of my brothers. I didn't want to, so I held on to them for as long as I could. Eventually the two of them were all cried out, and Pony had exhausted himself so much he fell asleep between Soda and myself. Even then, I would've been happy to stay like we were for a while longer, but it was late and we all needed to rest up to keep the Curtis machine running.

"You want me to carry him?" I asked Sodapop quietly.

"Nah, you might wake him. Okay if we camp out here with you again?" Soda asked sheepishly, and I grinned.

"You don't have to ask, Soda. Whatever you two need, you know I'm always gonna be here for you. Okay?"

"I know, Darry but…" he paused with a pained expression on his face. "What would we ever do without you?"

Soda looked scared by the thought for a brief moment until I let my hand touch the side of his face.

"You won't ever have to know, so cut it out, okay?" I hated that Soda was suddenly worried I'd be picked off next. Surely to God we'd gone through enough as a family and paid our dues?

Soda nodded, and then helped me lay Pony back down in the bed before I crawled back into my spot under the covers. Soda shucked his jeans onto the floor, but didn't bother taking his shirt off. He crawled in on the other side of Pony, rolling over to throw an arm around Pony's neck.

"I love you, Darry." Soda said sleepily before he yawned and closed his eyes.

"I love you too, Soda. I love the both of you."

* * *

It was early when I woke up. I stretched out in bed and yawned as I turned to check on my brothers and had to fight back a laugh. Sodapop had Ponyboy practically smothered into the bed as he was half laying on top of him. I shook my head at the two of them and their disregard for personal space as I got out of bed and headed to the bathroom to shower and clean up. I washed up quickly, knowing I'd need some hot water left for my brothers, and wrapped a towel around my waist after turning the taps off to the shower. After a shave, and brushing my teeth, I headed back for my room to get dressed.

I was thankful neither me or Soda had to go in to work; a rarity to be had in our house. In fact, I couldn't remember a time it happened before. I wasn't sure how Pony would be after last night's revelation that Johnny and Dally had died, but I hoped that with me _and_ Soda around, he'd be okay. It was a good time to be home for him. It was a good time to be home period.

I headed for the kitchen to get started on breakfast after throwing on a clean set of clothes. I pulled out the eggs and bacon, and checked to see if there was enough chocolate cake, deciding to give Ponyboy another shot with real food. I was a bit ripped the night before, but I did remember him being able to handle more than one mouthful of cake. I didn't want to push him too hard and too fast, but I had to push him some if he was going to keep improving.

There was a chunk of cake left that was big enough for Sodapop to share with Pony. I pulled out mom's chocolate cake recipe, and set it on the table while I went to the stove and pulled out a frying pan to start on the bacon and eggs. I started frying up the bacon when Sodapop sleepily waltzed in the kitchen; his hair dishevelled, and his eyes half closed as he made his way to the ice box. He opened it and grabbed the chocolate milk and downed it, not even bothering to use a glass.

"We'll need more, I take it?" I gave Soda a look while he drank whatever was left. Soda put the empty carton on the counter and let out a huge belch before covering his mouth with the back of his hand and started giggling.

"Nice one," I rolled my eyes and turned back to the stove.

"Sorry 'bout that," Soda chuckled as he walked over to me to see what I had going on. "Yum! I'm so hungry I could eat a horse."

"There's a bit of cake left. Leave some for your brother."

"You gonna let him eat? For real?" Soda looked at me like he didn't believe me. I shrugged at him.

"Maybe we should be pushing him more and see what he can do. He's still alive, right?"

"Yes," Soda looked at me funny. "What the hell does that mean?"

"Well, you had him squashed into the bed so much, I thought maybe he stopped breathing." I teased, and Soda just laughed.

"He's fine, but uhhh…Darry?" Soda rested his head on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around mine.

"Hmmmm?"

"Pony likes his eggs hard. Don't forget."

"Thanks, little buddy." I smiled, even though I hadn't forgotten. We all liked our eggs done differently.

"I'm gonna take a shower." Soda announced as he left me in the kitchen and headed for the bathroom.

I waited a few minutes after I heard the shower running, and quietly inched my way towards the bathroom. I stifled a laugh and rolled my eyes at Soda's rendition of Elvis, as he danced around carelessly behind the shower curtain. He was well into his ridiculous version of _Hound Dog,_ when my hand pressed on the lever, letting the toilet suck all the cold water from Soda's shower.

"WOOOO! AHHHH!" He yelped as the shower curtain whipped open, and he glared at me; his hair soaped up with shampoo and standing straight up with the help of the foam.

"Oh yeah," I teased after giving him a whistle. "Lookin' good, Mr. Universe!"

"I rinse, and then you're gonna pay for that, Darry." Soda promised, but it was impossible to take him seriously when his hair was full of shampoo and standing straight up down the middle of his head.

"Put your money where your mouth is, little man." I grinned. "Better yet, save some of that energy and help me get your brother up."

Soda smiled before whipping the shower curtain closed again. "Payback's a bitch, Darry. Better watch your back."

"Uh huh. Got me shaking, little buddy." I grinned as I headed back to the kitchen.

The bacon was finished, so I turned the oven on low so I could throw it in to keep it warm. I set the table and pulled some bread out to make toast. I didn't want to start on the eggs until we had Ponyboy awake and out of bed, so I turned the heat down and made my way to my bedroom.

I stood in the doorway and watched as my youngest brother was laying in my spot, hugging my pillow like he had before. I almost didn't want to wake him, but I wanted to see how he'd do with some food. I smiled as I pounded my fist against the door frame to my bedroom, and watched in amusement as Pony just about jumped out of his own skin.

"C'mon, Pony! Up and at 'em!" I announced loudly.

Pony struggled to sit up in bed, but eventually managed. He rubbed at his eyes, and then looked around, trying to gauge where he was. He looked at me and frowned, and that old Ponyboy that I thought was gone showed up, rolling his eyes at me and laying back down, throwing a pillow over his head.

"What is it about teenagers these days?" Soda asked from behind me, clearly witnessing Ponyboy's displeasure at my coaxing him out of bed.

"You tell me, teenager." I half laughed at Soda. The guy turns seventeen and he thinks he's twenty-one.

"Time for the big guns, Darry. You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" Soda winked at me, and I nodded back.

"Yep! Let's get him!" I said, and the two of us ran for and jumped on the bed.

"Rise and shine!" I yelled with obnoxious cheer as Sodapop and I started tickling the crap out of Pony.

Pony thrashed around, trying to avoid the onslaught of twenty fingers traveling up his sides, back, stomach, arms, and anywhere else we knew would tickle. His laughter was silent, with occasional croaking and rasping, and I couldn't get enough of seeing him laughing so much and so freely. He was a little weak and slow, whereas before he'd try to knock one or both of us off the bed and make his getaway. When he started having a hard time breathing, we stopped and piled around him like a litter of puppies.

"You about ready to get up?" I asked Pony as I watched him closely to make sure his breathing returned to normal.

Pony was still panting, though the smile on his face told me he was okay. He closed his eyes and quickly pushed Soda's hand away as it snuck up Pony's t-shirt to get at his arm pit. He started his silent laughter again, looking at us both like we were crazy.

"Alright, I'm working on breakfast. You wanna try some real food today?" I asked as I helped Pony avoid another sneak attack from Soda's wandering fingers.

Pony looked at me surprised, as his eyebrows shot up. "Really?" It was little more than a breath from him.

"Yeah. Help Soda get dressed or he'll likely wear a towel around the house all day." I ruffled Pony's hair as I rolled off my bed and headed back for the kitchen.

I could hear the general racket of my two brothers wrestling and monkeying around behind me. I couldn't help but smile as I started making eggs for us, and threw some bread in the toaster. It was a few minutes when Sodapop arrived with Ponyboy piggybacking on him. He helped Pony off, and helped him sit in his chair before making his way to me.

"Need any help, Darry?" Soda offered, and I shook my head as I pulled the pan from the stove to dish out mine and Soda's eggs. I put the pan back on the burner to finish cooking Pony's.

"I didn't grab the jam." I commented off hand. Soda ate his eggs with grape jelly. Disgusting.

"Darry, you didn't make coffee." Soda pointed out as he checked the coffee pot, and began to make a fresh pot for me.

"Yeah, I didn't think about it. Thanks, little buddy." I said as I made my way to the table to dish out Ponyboy's egg.

Soda was at the counter buttering the toast while I returned the pan to the stovetop and turned off the burner. I grabbed the plate of bacon out of the oven with a tea towel and put it on the table. I threw the towel at Soda and smirked when it landed on his head. I turned off the oven and returned to the table, sitting in my usual spot adjacent to Pony.

"Man, are you still drunk? You're in an awfully good mood today." Soda smiled as he took his seat at the table across from Ponyboy.

"Nah, but this is nice, dontcha think? The three of us here together? What do you guys wanna do today?" I asked as I watched Ponyboy stare at his egg with fascination. "Go ahead, Pony. Just go slow, okay?"

Pony looked at me and then Soda, like he was making sure we weren't pulling his leg. Soda and I were both grinning from ear to ear as we watched Pony cut a piece of egg up with his fork, and then bring it up to his mouth. His eyes fluttered closed in appreciation as he took his time chewing and then swallowing the food. Soda nudged me with his foot from under the table and smiled when I looked at him. I smiled back.

The three of us enjoyed a real breakfast together. It felt like a bit of normal had returned to our lives. I held on to every second like it wouldn't happen again; every chew, every swallow, and every appreciative smile Pony made. There was no choking or sputtering, and Sodapop and Ponyboy went to town with what was left of the chocolate cake as I watched with what I'm sure was a goofy look on my face. I couldn't help but be so damned thankful for the moment.

"You guys decide what you wanna do today?" I asked.

"We could go to the hospital and visit Beth." Soda waggled his eyebrows and then winked at me. Ponyboy looked confused, and shot a worried look my way.

"Do I have to go back?" He asked in a worried whisper.

"Nah, Pony. Darry's got himself a fan club there. One of the nurses that looked after you was puttin' the moves to him at the bar." Soda giggled, and I just rolled my eyes.

"The fan club is for you, Pony. Everybody's asking about you. We were invited to go back to visit and say hi, if you're up to it." I explained while dismissing Soda's teasing.

"Oh," was all Pony said as he stared at his empty plate. Something seemed off; he stared blankly for a bit before bringing his right arm up to scratch the side of his head.

"We don't have to if you don't want, Pony." I reached over and squeezed his shoulder gently.

"It's okay, I guess." He whispered, and then looked up at me. "Darry, can we go see mom and dad?"

My heart skipped a beat as I watched my youngest brother look up to me. I hadn't gone back to the cemetery since our parents had been buried. It wasn't that I didn't want to; so much had happened and I just seemed to lose track of the time.

"Sounds like a good idea, Pony." I replied softly as I tried to give him an encouraging smile.

"We can go to the market first and pick some flowers for mom." Sodapop suggested enthusiastically, and Ponyboy smiled softly at the idea.

"Is Johnny and Dally there?" Pony's voice cracked as he inquired.

I looked at Pony, and he looked as though he was fighting the urge to cry.

I reached over and rubbed the side of his face, nodding. "Yeah, little buddy. Johnny and Dallas are there too."

"Can I visit them?" Pony asked me cautiously, and I wasn't sure why.

"Of course you can, Pony. We'll visit them all today, okay?" I looked over at him concerned. I looked over at Sodapop, and he looked over at our little brother with concern too.

Pony nodded as he looked back down at his empty plate. "Thank you, Darry." He whispered quietly as a lone tear rolled down his cheek.

"You're not alone, Ponyboy. Remember what I said last night? Me and Soda are right here with you, okay?"

Pony nodded sadly as he brushed the tear away impatiently.

"C'mon, kiddo." Sodapop stood up from the table and slowly made his way over to our brother. "Let's go get ready."


	29. Twenty-nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

It was quiet on the way to the market. Sodapop hopped out of the truck to pick up a bouquet of flowers to leave for our mother while Pony and I stayed behind to wait. Ponyboy just sat and stared blankly out in front of him, and I wished that I knew what he was thinking. He looked as lost as I’d ever seen him before, and I wondered in the back of my mind if he noticed how much he’d changed over the course of these weeks.

"You okay, Ponyboy?" I asked him worriedly as I rubbed the back of his head gently. He didn’t respond; he just stared off into space, seeing something I couldn’t see.

I sighed as I let my hand drop from him, and placed it back on the steering wheel next to my other hand. I watched as my knuckles turned white against the pressure, as my fingers gripped the smooth material of the steering wheel tightly. I patiently waited for Sodapop to return, hoping he could help break some of the weight in the silence.

"What’s wrong with me?" Pony’s heavy whisper cracked between us in the truck.

"What? What do you mean?" I asked nervously.

I wasn’t at all prepared for questions from Ponyboy. Until now, he seemed content in his silence and I took for granted that he’d be confused and want answers now that he was starting to talk. I wasn’t sure how much to say or how much to keep from him.

"Why am I like this? Why can’t I remember stuff or think right?" Pony asked with the same blank look on his face.

"There’s nothing wrong with you, Pony. You just need time to heal and get better. It’s gonna get better, you’ll see." I said as my hand left the steering wheel, and again rubbed the back of his head.

"Something’s wrong with me." Pony closed his eyes, curling his right hand into a fist and bringing it up to hit the side of his head.

"Shhhh…come on now. Stop that." I swiftly moved to pull his fist away from his head, concerned that he was going to hurt himself.

"Darry, what’s wrong with me?" Ponyboy finally looked at me as he pleaded with me for an answer, and I felt myself struggle. I didn’t want to answer. I didn’t want him to know and I was scared that the more I told him, the more chance he’d have of remembering everything that sick monster put him through.

"You were hurt really bad, Pony. You were really sick for a long time and I thought we were gonna lose you, and we almost did. But you made it. You’re so strong, and you made it. It’s gonna take some time, but you’ll be okay, baby. It’s gonna be okay." I held his face in my hand so I could look at him while I talked.

"People think I’m retarded. I can’t think right. _Am_ I retarded now?" He asked as he looked at me; his eyebrows furrowed.

"What?" I was exasperated. "Who thinks that? You worried about what those socs said? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Nothing," he whispered sadly as Sodapop made his way back to the truck. The moment was gone like it never happened, and Pony was back to staring blankly at the dash.

Soda slid in the passenger side, the flowers wrapped in pretty printed paper. He smiled, but it was subdued and I felt like all the joy I’d felt earlier from our family breakfast had been sucked right out of me. There was a heaviness to the air that I was breathing, and I could feel it surround the three of us. I drove the truck towards our destination, and it followed. When I pulled into the cemetery, my stomach was completely tied in knots, so much so, that it was becoming physically painful and I wasn’t sure I’d make it out of the truck.

"Who should we go see first, Pony? Mom and dad?" Soda asked quietly as he wrapped his arm around his brother and brought him near.

Ponyboy shrugged at first, and then gave a slight nod as he moved his blank stare from the dash of the truck, to the pink print on the paper covering mom’s flowers. He looked so sad; so lost that I could barely stand it, and my stomach gave another pull. I closed my eyes and grimaced as I clenched my teeth while I put the truck into park.

"Darry? Something wrong?" Soda asked as he watched me struggle to gain composure.

I didn’t trust myself to speak at first, so I took a slow deep breath before shaking my head.

"Why don’t you two go on ahead and I’ll catch up with you in a minute." I smiled stiffly.

"Darry? You okay? You don’t look so good." Soda started to worry.

"I’m fine. You two go." I gripped the steering wheel as tightly as I could in my left hand as I tried to give a reassuring smile to Sodapop.

Ponyboy turned his head to look at me as Soda opened the passenger door to the truck, and reached out to grab my shirt with his right hand. He suddenly looked as worried as Soda had, and I felt so guilty. I needed to get my shit together so I could be there for him when he saw the graves of those who meant everything to him. I just needed to shove this odd pain out of the way, take a deep breath, and move past it.

"C’mon, Pony. Let’s go." Soda urged as he was backed up against the side of the seat, ready to piggyback Pony to the grave site of mom and dad.

"It’s okay, little buddy. Just gimme a second, and I’ll be right behind you." I tried to grin, but I felt a swarm of heat surround me, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to pass out or throw up.

Ponyboy reluctantly turned to his brother. Sodapop handed him the neat package of flowers while he helped Pony get up on his back. Pony wrapped his right arm and leg tightly around his brother, while his left side was mostly limp, but Soda had a good hold of him as he walked down the path with him to see our parents.

My gut clenched painfully again, and I let out a moan as my body tensed and I clutched my stomach with my right hand as my left continued to grip the steering wheel. I tried to concentrate on my breathing, but the pain in my gut wouldn’t let up, and I was having a hard time focusing on anything else. I felt the sweat on my brow, and I wiped at it as I decided to play stubborn, and will the pain away.

I managed to slide out of the truck without too much trouble. I let the door close with an easy push, and made my way over to the other side of the truck where the passenger door was still open from Ponyboy and Soda. I pushed it closed as well, and clutched at my stomach again as it gnawed at me.

"That’s the last time I’m drinking, swear to God." I moaned quietly to myself as I followed the path the boys had taken moments before to see our parents.

The weather was warm with a gentle breeze that brought me a lot of relief as it cooled my clammy skin. I took my time walking, breathing in slowly and deeply, and exhaling just the same. It had been more than a year since I’d been here last, and I still remembered it like it was yesterday. Every tree, every crack in the concrete walkway I seemed to memorize that day, just to be focussing on anything else but the fact that I’d never see my mom or dad again.

_There were quite a few people at the funeral; many I had no idea who they were. I remembered finding that strange; I was their son and they for the most part were the most important people in my life besides my brothers, and here there were pieces of them that I knew nothing about. I felt numb that morning. I spent the entire time psyching myself up; knowing I had to keep a steady gait for my brothers. They were depending on me for security, and I was holding it together well until I had to deal with all the people._

_We stood together as people we didn’t even know gave us their condolences, going on and on about how much they loved and would miss Darrel and Sarah Curtis. Sodapop and Ponyboy wept freely and I just stood there trying to keep it together; my hands jammed in my pockets to hide the fact that they were shaking, and my fingernails biting painfully into the skin of my palms. There was nothing to say to a bunch of strangers you didn’t know, and yet they mourned the loss of my parents. I thanked them for their stories and at the same time I hated them. I just wanted to get the hell out of there and not look back._

_The gang followed us home when it was over. This bunch of tough boys from the wrong side of the tracks that not only we, but our parents took in. I sat in my parents’ bedroom alone while everyone was in the living room trying to act normal. I sat there and wondered what the hell to do next. I was barely twenty, and now had a thirteen and sixteen-year-old brother I’d be solely responsible for. Even with awards and a scholarship, I was too poor for college. Any choice that I may have had left in my life, ended that day._

_The door knocked and I sat there on the edge of the bed wanting to be alone. I knew once I left the comfort of this room, the course of my life would change greatly, and I wasn’t sure that I was ready for that yet. I looked up as the door opened, and Dally slowly came in and gently shut the door behind him. He looked around, awkwardly playing with his hands before taking a seat beside me on the edge of the bed._

" _Y’know there ain’t too many people I met that ever gave a hang about me. My own dad don’t give two shits if I’m drunk, or dead, or back in New York on the streets. But that’s okay man, y’know? I never really gave a shit either. But your mom and dad were something else, Darry. They weren’t my parents, but I sure as hell wish they were. I’m really sorry, man. I just want you to know that I’m here for you guys."_

_I felt my eyes sting, and my throat get sore for the lump growing in it. I didn’t trust myself to speak, so I just nodded, hardly believing that it was Dallas Winston sitting beside me talking this way._

" _What are you gonna do now?" He asked. I still didn’t know if it was safe for me to talk, so I shrugged._

" _It’s gonna be okay, man. You just gotta hang in there. It’ll be alright."_

_He put his hand on my shoulder and rubbed it. I felt the first tear slide down my face, and then the next one, and the next one, until my vision was blurred and I couldn’t take a breath without it catching in my throat. I closed my eyes, leaned forward, and buried my face in my hands while I cried in front of one of the toughest sons of bitches I ever knew. And he sat there and he let me._

_When I was ready, I sat up straight, wiped my eyes with my hand, sniffed and cleared my throat. I let out a deep breath and nodded._

" _Don’t tell anyone, especially Ponyboy or Sodapop," was all I said to him as I stared ahead at the mirror of my parent’s dresser, into a pair of pale blue-green eyes that suddenly turned to stone._

_Dally patted my back as he stood up and headed for the bedroom door. He turned to look at me, and I looked back. We both nodded at each other before he slipped out and left me there, no longer a child of two loving parents, but a man suddenly forced to figure out life on his own._

I found my brothers huddled together in between mom and dad’s headstones, like they weren’t sure who to talk to first, so they decided on both of them at the same time. Sodapop peeled back the paper that was protecting the bouquet of flowers he picked out for mom, and him and Pony smiled as pink carnations were revealed.

"Mom’s favourite," I smiled as I came up on them, and stood behind them. They both looked back and grinned at me.

Mom always loved carnations. Where most women seemed fonder of roses, mom would always gush whenever dad would bring her carnations. Pink was her favourite color, and I remembered that she always wore it so well.

"Hi mom," Pony smiled as he took the flowers from Sodapop, and gave them a smell. He rubbed his nose as some baby’s breath tickled him, but then smelled the carnations again.

"What do they smell like?" Soda pulled Pony’s arm over so he could take a whiff, and the two of them started snickering   as they gently played around with the bouquet.

I grinned as I knelt down slowly, and then wedged my way between the two of them. Pony shoved the flowers in my face, wanting me to smell. I chuckled at him; the smile lighting up his face such a contrast to how sad he seemed earlier while we were talking in the truck, waiting for Sodapop.

"They smell like mom," I smiled at Pony and wrapped my arm around him as he brought the flowers back to himself and continued to inhale the spicy fragrance. He couldn’t seem to get enough.

"Pony, that’s what mom used to do. You look like her when you do that." Soda smiled, and I threw my other arm around him as we sat there, and held on to the moment.

The sun was shining down, and I felt like our parents were somehow with us. There was a lightness that I couldn’t explain. I thought that I would feel sad, or guilty because I hadn’t been there sooner to visit, but I felt at peace. I only hoped that if it really was them, they approved and thought I was doing a good job taking care of their sons.

"Here," Soda crawled over to Ponyboy and held out his hands to take the flowers. "I’ll put them down for mom."

The lightness seemed to fade as the smile on Ponyboy’s face disappeared. He held the carnations tightly to him as Soda reached to take them, and shook his head. The change in mood was swift and eerie.

"Come on, Pony. We gotta leave them for mom."

An anger seemed to build in Pony. He shoved my arm away from his shoulder, and then pushed at Sodapop while he continued to shake his head. I’d never seen a reaction like that from Pony, especially directed at Sodapop, and I was becoming concerned with how unstable his moods were.

"Pony, it’s okay. Let Sodapop leave the flowers for mom." I tried to encourage him, but he just seemed to get even more angry, shaking his head at the both of us.

"Do _you_ wanna leave them?" Soda tried, but Ponyboy was becoming furious, pushing at both me and Soda, and then trying to back away from us.

Soda and I shared a look; we both weren’t sure how to handle this new side of Ponyboy. We’d never seen him like this before or after he was abused; it just wasn’t like him. Pony had always had a stubborn streak, but he wasn’t known to be aggressive, especially with Sodapop. I backed up and away, getting to my feet and feeling my patience slipping as my gut start to clench again. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to keep my cool long enough to bring him back. This was a job for Soda.

"Pony, what’s going on? Why are you so mad?" Soda’s voice was calm and gentle, but the confusion on his face mirrored how I was feeling.

Ponyboy didn’t answer, he sat clutching mom’s flowers like they’d be stolen if he didn’t protect them. His cheeks grew as red as his apparent anger; the hue reaching all the way to his ears.

"Ponyboy, what’s wrong? You know you can tell me." Soda scooted closer so that he was right in front of his brother; his knees touching Pony’s.

Pony moved to shove Soda again, and I moved to intervene, but Sodapop shot me a look that told me to back off. I stopped as he shook his head slightly, and watched on, ready to jump in if needed.

"Pone, you don’t gotta be like that. Just tell me and Darry what’s got you so worked up. It’s okay, you just gotta let us know. We won’t get mad at you, I promise."

"I want mom," he blurted out and hugged the pink carnations to his chest tighter as he stared at her headstone.

"Is _that_ what’s wrong? You seem pretty worked up over it, hon." Soda tentatively reached out to touch the side of Pony’s head. Pony calmed slightly and let him.

"I don’t wanna go," his voice rasped as he looked at me angrily.

"I didn’t say we had to," I retorted defensively and then got one of those looks from Soda letting me know I was being a jerk. I grabbed at my stomach as it gave me another stab of pain.

"We can stay as long as you like, Pony. I just wanted to give mom her flowers." Soda explained softly.

"Then you’ll wanna go. I want mom. I don’t wanna go home." Pony started crying, and I honestly didn’t know what the hell was going on. I stood there dumbfounded.

"Okay, okay," Soda shuffled beside his brother and threw a comforting arm around him, hugging him sideways. "It’s okay, sweetie. We don’t gotta go, okay?"

Pony looked up at me challenging, and I wondered if I should even be there. I looked back at him worriedly as I scratched the side of my head. I had no idea where all of his anger was coming from, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was somehow responsible. I didn’t know what to do.

"We can stay as long as you want." I stated cautiously as I gauged Ponyboy to see if he was going to lash out again.

Ponyboy looked at me angrily, but his eyes soon softened when he digested what I’d said. I slowly and carefully made my way next to him and Sodapop, and sat down. I looked at him warily, to see if he’d flip back to being angry, but his eyes didn’t change, and soon he was shaking his head at me.

"Pony, what’s goin’ on? You mad at me?" I asked him as gently as I could, hoping I wasn’t being too confrontational.

"I don’t know," he closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. "What’s wrong with me?"

"Shhhh," Sodapop soothed him as he wrapped both of his arms around him and gave me a look. "It’s okay, Pony."

Pony was shaking his head. "No, it’s not. Something’s wrong. I’m not right." He cried into his brother’s arm, and Soda started to look panicky.

"What do you mean by ‘not right’, honey?" Sodapop asked, his eyes never leaving mine.

"My head!" Pony croaked as his right hand came up to clutch at his ear.

Soda shook his head at me. "Darry, what’s going on? I’m scared."

It felt as though someone had reached in and ripped out my insides. I shuffled closer to my brothers, and this time _I_ was the one taking Pony out of Soda’s arms to get a better look at him. I held his head back and looked in his eyes. He tried to look back at me, but it seemed he had to close his eyes to refocus every five or ten seconds. I was worried as hell but things seemed to come back to me from when we were in the hospital.

"Pony, does your head hurt?" I asked concerned as I tried to get him to focus his eyes on me, but he couldn’t.

"My head," he repeated as he clenched his eyes closed, and tried to shake his head out of my hold.

"Ponyboy, stop." I said firmly, hoping my voice didn’t come out too harsh as I held on even tighter to his head, trying to get him to look at me. "Ponyboy, I need you to look at me, okay?"

When his eyes opened, they were rolled back and deviated upwards; the tell tale sign he was having a seizure. His body went limp and pitched forward into me, and I looked over to Sodapop to keep time. It wasn’t what I was expecting, but we were warned he could start acting odd before and after one of these episodes.

I maneuvered myself so I could lay Pony down, and keep his head supported on my lap. I looked over to Sodapop and nodded to his watch, wanting to know how long it was lasting.

"Two minutes. This was weird, Darry. He’s never done this before. Maybe we need to take him to Dr. Pedersen." Soda was visibly shaken.

"Pedersen’s a putz. He wanted me to put Pony in some institution where he’d be wearing diapers and getting fed through a tube while he wasted away in a bed. He’s a shitty pediatrician." I was angry at the memory of taking Ponyboy to his own doctor for a check up after we’d had him home for a few weeks. He hadn’t been seen by anyone since.

"Darry, we gotta see somebody. It doesn’t have to be him. This ain’t good." Soda looked at me. I knew that he was right.

There was only one doctor that I could trust completely with my youngest brother, but he didn’t have a practice. His specialty was reserved for those in crisis and on death’s door. I knew that I had no right to bother the man, but I didn’t know what else to do.

"Darry, we’re comin’ on five minutes now." Soda’s hand pressed against Pony’s forehead as his eyes begged me to make a decision.

"Alright. We were planning on going there anyways. Let’s get him to the hospital."


	30. Thirty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

"Darry!" Ponyboy whined for the umpteenth time at me.

It was July and the carnival was visiting just outside of town. I had one day off to myself and my damned baby brother was on my case, wanting to go. I didn't have the luxury of passing this off to Sodapop. He had a full day of work at the DX along with Steve, so I was the one Ponyboy was pestering to entertain him. We used to always go before our parents died, and now I'd just as soon stick my finger in a light socket than blow a chunk of my pay check at the carnival.

"Pony, get off my back! I said no. It's a bloody waste of time, and besides, we don't have money to blow getting ripped off by those damned carnies." Last year I was out five bucks betting on the shell game. I was sure I knew which shell that ball had been hidden under, but the sneaky assholes somehow switched it on me last minute.

Pony rolled his eyes at me as he threw himself down on the couch in a huff. I sat in my chair trying to ignore the way he was acting like it was the end of the world, but the damned kid could get under my skin. I threw my paper down as I got up and stomped into the kitchen to grab my wallet. I grabbed out a couple of bucks and tossed it onto Pony's chest as I made my way back to my chair. Pony grabbed the money and gave me a look.

"Go see a movie. There's supposed to be a good one playing; Paul Newman is in it or somebody or other." I muttered as I picked the paper up from the floor, and tried to find where I'd left off.

"I already seen it." Pony threw the money I'd given him onto the coffee table and crossed his arms and pouted.

"Cut it out _now,_ " I warned as I glared at him. I had only one day to myself in more than two weeks of working twelve hours a day or more, and the kid wanted to monopolize all of it. It was never enough. Work my ass off to keep the three of us together, and he's crying cuz he wants to waste time at a stupid carnival. I could've strangled the brat!

The front door quietly opened and Johnny poked his head in and slowly shut the door as he made his way in.

"Hi Darry," he smiled timidly as he stood at the door with his hands jammed in his pockets. Poor kid had been beaten by his parents so much, he was always nervous as hell.

"Hey, Johnnycake. Whatcha up to today?" I asked as I turned to the sports section of the paper and read the highlights.

"Not much. Is Ponyboy around?"

"Yep. Mr. Sad Sack is on the couch pouting." I said dryly and received a dirty look from Pony. "There! Johnny's here. You can quit bugging me about the stupid carnival now."

"Hey, I was just comin' by to see if you're goin'. I wanted to ask Dall, but I ain't seen him around yet. What about it, Pony?" Johnny asked as he sat down beside my brother.

"Can't. Sodapop's workin' and Darry don't wanna go." Pony was pouting so badly, I wondered if I'd be able to pull that bottom lip of his over his head. Maybe then he'd stop guilting me.

"Oh," Johnny said quietly. "How come, Darry? You've always gone before."

"Yeah," Pony piped up; his balls a bit bigger with the backup of his buddy. "You've _always_ gone before."

"Exactly. So, I know what I'm not missing." I said, trying to convince them of my logic.

The two of them looked at each other, I'm sure devising some plan to gang up on me and make me cave. I heard them whisper, then snicker, then whisper before Ponyboy got up from the couch. I thought he was heading towards his room until my paper went flying out of my hands, and my little turd of a brother jumped on me while I was sitting in the chair.

"What the hell?" The kid had finally lost his mind. I was gonna kill Sodapop _and_ Two-Bit! One or both were responsible.

Johnny was laughing in the background while Pony flashed me a challenging look. I cocked an eyebrow at him but he didn't back down. He feebly tried to pin my arms down to the sides of the chair while he was straddling my legs, and I just shook my head at him. _Big mistake buster_ I thought to myself while I grabbed both of his arms and had them behind his back while I flipped him over and had him on the floor with me on top of him.

"Noooo!" Pony was half laughing while I put him in a headlock, and started messing up his hair. "Johnny, help!"

I looked up at Johnny and grinned.

"No way, man. This is between you guys." Johnny smiled as he watched me squash the hell out of my youngest brother.

I chuckled at Pony's exasperated look. His best friend betrayed him, and he was stuck fighting me off by his lonesome.

"You gonna leave me alone?" I asked as I continued knuckling his head.

"No! Take us to the carnival!" Ponyboy could barely talk, he was so out of breath from trying to fight me off.

"Is that all you think about?" I asked as I tightened my chokehold on him slightly, and continued to make a disaster of the pride and joy in his life; his hair.

"Please! Darry, come on!" Pony brought both hands up to hold onto my arm and turned his head to look at me. I loosened my grip, but held onto my baby brother. God, he was a tough little shit for his size. Soda wouldn't even rough house with me the way Pony would. We didn't wrestle often, but when we did, he put everything he had into it. He knew he'd never overtake me, but it didn't stop him from trying. He was stubborn to the core.

"If I take you guys to the carnival, you gotta promise me you will not ask me for anything ever again. And don't talk to me; all that pouting you did gave me a headache." I warned, and the smile on Ponyboy's face became painfully ridiculous.

"I promise! I promise!" Pony practically squealed with happiness for my giving into him.

"Get your shoes on." I released my hold on Pony and slapped him hard on the ass as he scrambled to his feet, running and rubbing where I'd smacked him, with Johnny in tow laughing and living it up.

I got up from the floor and headed for my bedroom to change. It was going to be hot walking outside all afternoon in the sun, so I opted for a plain white T-shirt to wear with my jeans. I grabbed my watch and my sunglasses from the dresser while I headed for the kitchen to search for my wallet and keys. As I made for the door, I took back the two dollars I'd given Pony, and put it back in my wallet. Johnny was more than likely going to need money to get in and get something to eat; something I didn't really mind footing. Johnny had it rough at home between his parents always drunk and fighting, or drunk and beating the shit out of him. I'm pretty sure the only love Johnny ever felt was from Ponyboy and the rest of us.

Pony and Johnny came skidding out, no doubt proud of the fact I got duped into their master plan. Pony's hair was as carefully combed back as it had been before, exactly like Sodapop wore his. He, like me had decided on a white T-shirt to wear with his jeans, but he looked more like his brother Soda than he ever did me.

"Alright, let's go." I said and watched as the two of them jumped off the top step, Pony first and then Johnny, and then clowned around, punching and shoving each other while running towards the truck.

I slid in and started the truck and turned my head to look at the boys. Pony was sitting beside me, and Johnny had the seat next to the door. I revved the engine as I rolled down my window, and Johnny followed suit. I looked at Pony which he took as an open invitation to swipe my sunglasses from my face, and put them on himself. I shook my head and rolled my eyes at him and he just laughed.

"Smart ass," I tried to hide my grin as I pulled out of the driveway and headed out of town.

The drive was about forty-five minutes north, and the traffic on the highway wasn't bad for a Friday when everyone was trying to flee the city for the weekend. Ponyboy had the radio cranked, as him and Johnny did their best to give all three of us lung cancer with the amount of smoking they did. I hated that Pony smoked. I thought he was too young at thirteen even though his birthday was at the end of the month. There wasn't anything feasible I could do to stop him when his brother smoked on occasion and all the gang besides myself were smokers. I'd threatened, tried to scare him with gory stories, even tried telling him he'd do much better in sports if he gave up the cigarettes, but he was already hooked.

We made it to the carnival in good time. I grabbed my sunglasses off of Pony before he slid out of the truck after Johnny, and endured another one of Pony's pouts. I stuck my tongue out at him childishly, and bit back a laugh as he frowned and rolled his eyes.

The line up at the gate was short. Maybe a handful of people were ahead of us and they cleared through quickly. Both boys flanked me as I got up to the booth and I looked at the girl and made a face as I noticed her hair was green. _Damned carnies,_ I thought to myself as she gave me a dirty look back.

"Seven-fifty," she snarled at me. I turned to Ponyboy and gave him a look. He shrugged at me as I paid, and then handed a ticket to both him and Johnny.

"Darry, you didn't have to do that. I coulda bought my own." Johnny looked upset, and I just grabbed his shoulder gently and rubbed it.

"Don't worry, Johnny. Save your money for the games or a soda or something." I frowned. The one kid that appreciated my efforts wasn't mine, while the other that was thought that money just appeared out of thin air.

I rolled my eyes and put on my sunglasses as my brother looked at me sheepishly for spending money. "What happened to the two bucks I gave you earlier?" I asked and got another eye roll.

"You probably put it back in your wallet." Pony said dryly, and I shoved a few dollars his way. Smart ass.

"Stay outta trouble. The both of you." I lectured.

"Ain't you comin', Darry?" Ponyboy looked confused and I had no idea why. He knew I didn't wanna be here.

"Nope. I'll catch up with you in a few hours." I saluted them. Pony looked oddly hurt before they spun on their heels and made their way towards the midway.

I walked around for a little while, checking out all the games that were probably rigged to steal people's money. Games like the Whack-a-mole, Bowler Roller, Super Hoops, and Water Gun Fun were busy with suckers that didn't know any better. I couldn't help but shake my head bitterly.

"How about a try, big guy?" The carnie at the Bowler Roller was trying to suck me in as I passed.

"Not in this lifetime," I said sourly as I looked around to find a place to sit for a few hours and lay low.

"Hey, grumpy. A mind is like a parachute. It only works if you keep it open."

"Yeah, and a conversation with you is like wiping my ass with a hoola-hoop. I said no."

I heard the crazy laughter from behind me, and knew it was Two-Bit before I turned my head. His arms went around my shoulders from behind, as he laughed so hard, I though he was going to knock us both over. The carnie looked confused. He was either bothered by Two-Bit's joyous laughter at his expense, or he was trying to figure out what I'd just said to him.

"You need a hoola-hoop, Darry? I could win you one!" Two-Bit pointed upwards, and sure enough they were giving them away as prizes. Two-Bit was practically on the ground laughing. The carnie looked embarrassed.

"Shut up," I muttered as I walked away and continued to search for a place I could sit and not be bothered.

"Hey, Darry! Where ya goin'? Wait up!" Of course, Two-Bit took it upon himself to follow me.

"I need to sit down. Ponyboy and Johnny are off somewhere. Why don't you go find them?" I suggested as I finally found a bench to park my tired self for awhile.

"Yeah, I could do that. Why don't you come with?"

"No thanks." I sighed tiredly, hoping Two-Bit would soon be searching for the boys.

"Who the fuck pissed in your Corn Flakes, Darry?" Two-Bit grinned, but I had a feeling I'd offended him.

"Look, I just ain't in the mood, okay? It's my one day off in over fifteen days and I'm tired. I got dragged here by my brother and what I really wanna do is blow this shitstand and go home and relax."

"Alrighty! Don't shoot, Sheriff. I was just askin'." Two-Bit put up his hands in surrender and backed away from me before turning around and leaving me alone on the bench.

I was thankful for the alone time, but then felt bad for chasing Two-Bit off like that. He was a great guy, and a great friend, and I felt bad for the way I treated him. Lucky for me, Two-Bit never held a grudge against me when I got cranky. He knew the score. He knew how tough it was for me to keep my two brothers out of foster care and keep them home with me where they belonged.

I sat and watched as people and freaks alike, wandered around and had their fun. The cheers and jeers from the midway started to get louder, and I looked down at my watch and was surprised to find it was almost supper time. I was about to get up from the bench and track Two-Bit and the boys down for a meal, when Steve and Sodapop spotted me. They were with their girlfriends.

"Hey! You made it!" I said, hoping I could ditch this nightmare and get Steve and Soda to bring Pony and Johnny home so that I could split.

"Hey, yourself!" Soda nodded at me while he walked away from his girl and Steve, and headed towards me and the bench.

"When did you get here?" I asked as I pulled off my sunglasses and hung them from the front of my T-shirt. Sodapop sat down beside me quietly.

"A while. Ran into Ponyboy and Johnny."

"Two-Bit find them?" I asked curiously. Soda nodded.

"So how long you been here feeling sorry for yourself?" Soda asked me as he gave me one of his disapproving looks.

"What?"

"Darry, come on. We always do the carnival. You know how much Pony loves it. You did too not so long ago."

"Look, I had a shit week okay? I get one day off and I gotta drag my ass here and babysit. I gotta haul ass back to work tomorrow for another who knows how many days straight. I don't wanna be here!"

"No shit, Sherlock!" Soda chuckled. "It don't take no rocket scientist to figure that out. Any Tom, Dick, or Harry can see that by just passing by."

"What do you want from me?" I sighed.

"Darry, I know what you gave up. I know how hard you work just so we can all be together. And you know what? You _do_ deserve a day to do the things you wanna do."

"Thank you!" I interrupted him. _Finally,_ someone understood.

"But Ponyboy wanted to spend today with _you_. You working so hard and so much all the time affects us too. We hardly ever see you anymore and maybe he wanted some of your time."

"Why would he wanna come with me? He knows how I am, why didn't you bring him?"

"I asked if he wanted to come after I got off work and he said no; he wanted to come with you." Soda looked at me pointedly, and I could feel my big fuck up about to be revealed.

"Well, I brought him, didn't I?" I looked back at him defensively, and he shook his head and scoffed at me.

"Yeah, and instead of spending time with him, you act like a fuckin' dick, and putter off to sit and pout by yourself." Soda stood up and patted my shoulder. "Good job, Darry. Good job."

I watched as Sodapop walked away to re-join Steve and their girlfriends. He looked back at me and shrugged as the group walked away. I didn't think for one second that Ponyboy was bothering me to take him to the carnival so that we could have some time together. I didn't think spending time with me was something that he wanted, but then I realized I didn't know him as well as Sodapop did.

I eased off of the bench and headed towards the midway to go find my brother. This time, I politely declined when the carnies hollered at me to try my luck with their games. I walked around for ten minutes or a little more, when I heard the crazy laughter that could only come from Two-Bit. I spotted them all plus Dally in front of the Water Gun Fun game, and smiled when Ponyboy's eyes locked with mine.

"Hey, guys! Have any luck?" I asked grinning as I rubbed the back of Pony's head affectionately. He looked at me for a bit, but his eyes softened and he started smiling.

"Dally won big at the Whack-a-mole," Pony started, but then Dallas and Two-Bit started laughing while Johnny hung his head blushing.

"Pony, it don't count when you break the game." Johnny said quietly and Two-Bit and Dally laughed harder.

"I thought I told you to stay _out_ of trouble?" I grinned down at Pony, my hand still rubbing the back of his head.

"Don't look at me, I didn't do it." Pony's eyes were wide, waiting for a lecture that didn't come.

"Well, whadaya think, kiddo? Wanna try a few games out, or are you ready to eat?"

"Hey, Pony! Let's try this game out. I'll bet we win for sure!" Johnny tried, but Pony looked at me.

"Nah, you guys go ahead. Me and Darry are gonna grab a bite. We can meet you back here later?"

"Yeah, okay. See ya in a bit." Johnny waved and then turned to Dally and Two-Bit. I waved and grinned when Two-Bit gave me a nod and wink.

"You know what you want?" I asked as we walked along towards the food vendors. My hand left his hair, and moved down to his back as we walked.

"I dunno. Maybe a really greasy cheeseburger with fries. Whadaya think, Darry?"

"Sounds like I'm starving, kiddo. Let's eat!" I grinned, never taking my hand off of him, and he never asked me to.

"Darry, can I get some cotton candy before we go home?"

"Whatever you want, hon."

* * *

Pony's seizure seemed to ease up by the time we made it back to the truck. He was unconscious with his head on my shoulder while Sodapop was at the wheel. The morning had been like a roller coaster; emotions snapping back and forth so fast and unpredictable that I was feeling drained. Ponyboy's seizures had usually been few and easy to predict, but the one Soda and I had witnessed left us feeling worried and confused.

After driving, Soda jumped out of the truck and I sat quietly while I waited, and thought back to that day at the carnival and how much Ponyboy and I had changed. All this time it seems like we were fighting each other while trying to find our way to each other, and it took him almost dying for us to reach that point. It would've been a lot easier if the both of us had just listened to Sodapop. He seemed to know all of this from the get-go.

I rubbed his arm; my arm wrapped around him, and sat listening to the soft whoop of Pony's breath as he inhaled. It was a sound I'd come to be fond of whereas months ago I was frightened by it. It was confirmation that he was still alive. I didn't have to worry or question if he was still breathing when I could hear him. The fact was never lost on me, and I was constantly aware of how close I came to losing him. Part of me seemed to always be on alert, watching over him to make sure he didn't slip away.

I opened the door as I spotted Soda coming back with a wheelchair for Ponyboy. I slowly slid out while keeping a hold of my youngest brother, and lifted him out of the truck to put him in it. He was still out of it, and slouched in the chair while we headed towards the entrance of the hospital.

"We goin' to admitting? Or straight upstairs?" Sodapop stopped wheeling his brother and turned to look at me for direction.

"We gotta get him looked at. He's fine now, but I don't…"

"Darrel?

I turned around as I heard my name and was overcome when a wave of relief washed over me. From the parking lot I spotted Dr. Allain headed our way.


	31. Thirty-one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

"Darrel?"

I turned around as I heard my name, and was overcome when a wave of relief washed over me. From the parking lot, I spotted Dr. Allain headed our way. He brushed his hair back from his forehead as he approached us, smiling from ear to ear. He only looked a few years older than myself; I still couldn't believe he was old enough to be a doctor, but he was still the best doctor I'd ever met.

"Holy cow! What the hell are you doing here?" He had his hand out to shake mine before he was even within reaching distance, and I let out a breath as he took a hold of my hand firmly.

"We were just gonna pop in and say hi to you guys." I felt like I was choking on the words when I heard them come out.

"Oh my God! It's so great to see you guys. Ponyboy!" He knelt in front of Ponyboy, who managed to open his eyes a crack. "Hey, buddy! Do you remember me?"

Pony's eyes opened a bit more, and focused on Greg for a while before he gave a slight nod.

"You're the nice one." Pony managed to rasp out as his eyes opened even more.

"My God! You're talking!" Greg smiled in disbelief as his hand came up to touch the side of Ponyboy's head. "Look at you! You look amazing!"

Greg looked at me pointedly as he smiled, and then focused back on Ponyboy. Sodapop was grinning with pride, and I tried to smile back but my stomach was still gnawing at me. I was still preoccupied with Pony's strange behaviour before his seizure, and I still wanted him checked out, but I didn't want just anyone to do it.

"Are you working?" I asked as I tried to clutch my stomach without being obvious. Greg gave me a funny look.

"No, I was just stopping by to grab some things I forgot. What's going on?"

"Pony needs to be looked at." Soda piped up, and I gave him a look. I didn't want to be a bother to Greg, especially if it was his day off.

"What happened, buddy?" Greg put his hand on Pony's head and looked at him worriedly.

"Seizure. This one was weird. He was acting really strange before it hit him. Lasted longer than the others." I said as I looked at Ponyboy.

"He should see his doctor, Darrel." Greg just short of lectured me.

I nodded uncomfortably. "Yeah, I know."

"Pedersen's a putz. He's a shitty pediatrician." Pony parroted what I'd said at the cemetery almost word-for-word. I couldn't believe it. Sodapop was laughing.

"Ponyboy Curtis," I tried to be stern, but I couldn't keep the grin from my face. How could he know what I'd said while he was seizing? Greg laughed out loud.

"He is, is he?" Greg smiled as he pushed back Ponyboy's hair and then stood. "Let's go. I'll have a look at him. Come on."

"It's your day off," I said, like he needed to be reminded of the fact. He just shook his head at me and started walking, motioning for us to follow.

He lead us through the hospital until we were in some back corridor where they kept the secret elevators to who knows where. It felt a little sketchy; I noticed some of the looks we were getting from other hospital staff for using an elevator that was clearly for staff only since it was so hidden. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply as my stomach churned. It was safe to say that I was feeling awful as the elevator doors opened and we were on the third floor.

"Do you mind, Soda?" Greg asked Sodapop for permission to push Ponyboy in the wheelchair. Soda nodded and hung back with me while we followed Greg as he pushed Pony through a maze of unused hallways.

I felt disoriented and lost as we turned one corner after another, and all of them looked like the one before. The color of hospital green was wearing thin on my nerves as so many memories and flashbacks of months ago bombarded me. I felt myself break out in a cold sweat as I tried not to think about those moments, and instead focus on my brother now and how he survived. It wasn't really working, and I unintentionally grabbed at my stomach again.

"This should work," Greg mumbled as we came upon a random door. He opened it, and held it open; motioning for Sodapop to wheel Ponyboy through. He held the door open for me as well, and then let it close behind him.

It looked like an examination room you'd find at the Doctor's office, stocked with an examination table, and assorted medical gear. I gave a strange look to Greg before he chuckled at me.

"Perform a lot of secret operations, Dr. Allain?" I asked cautiously as I scanned the room.

Soda piped up. "Yeah. Any dead bodies we should know about?"

"You guys are a riot!" He chuckled as he walked past us to the examination table. "It's a teaching hospital. There's a few of these practical rooms scattered around." He explained and then took a breath.

"Okay, Ponyboy. We'll have a look at you in a second, but I wanna check out your big brother, Darry first. That okay?"

"What?" I asked confused, then felt like shit when both Sodapop and Ponyboy looked at me worriedly.

"What gives, doc? I'm fine. We're here for Pony, besides I think I'm a little old for you, ain't I?" I would've been annoyed at him except we caught him on a day off and he was willing to do me this huge favour and check over my brother.

"Yeah. I'll look him over in a bit. But you're white as a sheet and sweating like a pig, and don't think I haven't noticed you grabbing at your stomach. Get up on the table." He motioned to the examination table, and I just looked at him.

"Darrel, I don't want to use force, but I do know where they keep the sedation. I'd rather you cooperate."

"Darry, if something's wrong you better listen to him." Soda warned. I sighed and hopped up on the table as Greg looked at me concerned.

"How long has your stomach been bothering you?" He asked as he slipped a blood pressure cuff on my arm and got a stethoscope ready. I looked at him. I don't know why I was so surprised that he'd caught on. He was amazing at what he did.

"I dunno," I answered truthfully. "Few months maybe. Don't really remember."

Greg nodded as he took my blood pressure. His eyebrows shot up and he took it twice more before taking the cuff off me.

"Darrel, this isn't good. Your blood pressure is way too high. What's going on?"

I gave him a look like he was the village idiot without saying anything. He was the one that warned me how much work it would be taking care of Ponyboy. He was the one shoving bags full of supplies at me, trying to help so I wouldn't have to worry over the cost. He warned me time and again, and I didn't care then and I didn't care now. I'd do it all over again if given the choice, but I couldn't just say these things out loud with my two brothers sitting there.

"Oh, just livin' the dream, doc." I said dryly.

"You been throwing up?" Greg grinned at me and I shook my head. I'd felt like it before, but it never happened.

"I think you're on your way to an ulcer, Darry." Greg frowned as he pulled out a prescription pad and started his chicken scratch art.

"I want you to fill this today and start taking it right away. Then I want you to take it easy, and before you say anything, I know. I know how hard this is, but Darrel, holy shit! You've done an amazing job! I think it's okay to slow down now."

I looked at him, appreciating the gesture but knowing there was so much more to do. Greg handed me the prescription, and I tried in vain to read his handwriting, knowing that I couldn't. I folded it up and put it in my pocket while Greg made his way to Pony. I slid off the table and followed him.

"Your turn, buddy." Greg smiled, but Pony just looked at him.

"Is Darry okay?" Pony whispered as he looked upset. Greg smiled softly and put his hand on Pony's shoulder.

"Your brother's fine, Ponyboy. But he needs to know when to take it easy, and something tells me he's going to need some help with that."

"He gave up college so all of us could stay together." Pony talked to Greg as though he were talking to someone he'd known forever.

"Pony," I said embarrassed hearing him praise me like I wasn't even in the room.

"Your brother's pretty special. That's why I want you to take care of him, okay?"

Pony nodded and Greg looked over at me with a soft smile. I felt a bit awkward, like I'd heard a conversation I wasn't meant to. I felt Sodapop, as he rubbed my back and we stood and watched as Greg knelt in front of Pony.

"You ready, Ponyboy? Can we get you up on the table?"

Ponyboy looked at me, and I winked at him as I came around to the front behind Greg.

"Do you think you can stand, Pony?" I asked and had Greg give me another disbelieving look.

"He can stand?"

"Yeah if you help him up, he's pretty good on one foot." I commented as Greg moved out of my way and waited for a demonstration.

"You alright, honey?" Soda asked, and Ponyboy nodded, already reaching out for me with his right hand.

Soda caught the brakes on the wheelchair, while I moved the foot rest out of the way. I leaned over and felt Pony grab onto my belt with his right hand, while my hands grabbed at the waist of his jeans. Pony leaned into me as I hauled him up to stand.

"You alright, kiddo?" I looked down at him worriedly, but he nodded as he balanced his weight on his right leg. Soda unlatched the wheelchair brakes, and moved it out of the way so he could stand behind Ponyboy.

"This is incredible!" Greg was smiling as he shook his head.

"We ain't walking yet, but it's a start." I lifted Pony under his legs, and around his shoulders and set him up on the table for Greg, who looked like he was in shock.

"What's the matter, doc?" I asked as I watched Greg cover his mouth and look at Ponyboy. He quickly looked at me and shook his head while he walked towards Pony on the table.

"I didn't expect this kind of a recovery so soon. I'm just surprised, is all." He commented and then suddenly he was focused and professional. "Tell me what happened today."

"Morning was fine, went like clockwork but Pony started getting quiet when we decided to go out. Then he started getting mad and aggressive, and the next thing I know he was having a seizure." I gave Greg the long and short of it. I didn't think he needed to know we were visiting our dead loved ones.

"Aggressive?" Greg looked at me for clarification, but Soda spoke up.

"He was angry. Shoved at me and was lookin' to fight Darry."

"Pony, were you in a fight with your brothers today?" Greg's voice was calm, and not at all oppositional like mine seemed to get. Pony started blushing as he shrugged and avoided eye contact with everyone in the room.

"Ponyboy, it's okay. I just need to know what happened today. Were you feeling okay?"

Pony shook his head. "My head isn't right." His voice cracked.

"Your head isn't right? What does that mean to you, Pony? Can you describe that for me?" Greg put a gentle hand on Pony's shoulder.

"I don't remember. I don't know why I'm like this."

"Like what, Ponyboy?" Greg asked.

"Stupid."

Pony looked broken as he uttered the word, and I wanted to break with him. He looked so lost, so young, like a boy trying to figure life out again. I wanted to say something to ease his mind, but Sodapop had already jumped in and had his butt up there beside his brother on the table, with an arm wrapped around him.

"Don't ever talk like that, Ponyboy. You're not stupid. You never have been." Soda spoke softly; his forehead pressed up against the side of Pony's head.

"Do you know what happened to me?" Pony asked Greg, and my stomach flipped as Greg shot me a look.

"Ponyboy, you had a really serious knock to your head." Greg explained, and looked at me again before focusing back on Pony. "Your brain was swollen, and it was bleeding. It went for some time without the oxygen it needed because you weren't breathing. You were in really bad shape, buddy."

"From Dally?" Ponyboy looked at me confused, and I felt so sick. I didn't want to lie to Pony, but I didn't want him to remember anything of what happened to him.

"No, Pony. Dally wouldn't…" I started, but was thankful when Greg cut me off.

"Pony, do you start to feel different before you have a seizure?"

Pony nodded instantly.

"What does it feel like to you, Ponyboy?" Greg asked questions I didn't even think of asking.

"Weird," was all Pony said before looking around the room distractedly.

"What's weird about the feeling? Can you describe it?"

"I feel empty. Feels fuzzy." Pony explained.

"Any headaches or flashing lights?"

Pony shook his head. "Maybe. I dunno."

"That's okay, Ponyboy." Greg smiled as he began looking him over from head to toe.

Greg listened to Pony's chest with the stethoscope for a while; moving the bell across his chest and then listening to his back as well.

"Does Ponyboy ever have trouble breathing?" Greg asked no one in particular as he continued listening through the stethoscope.

"When he's upset. He has a hard time catching his breath until he's able to calm down." Sodapop commented.

"When he's upset?" Greg looked at Soda curiously.

"He has nightmares. Sometimes they're real bad." Soda wrapped an arm around Pony's shoulders again.

"When he talks he sounds hoarse and out of breath. And he makes that noise when he breathes. Never used to." I commented. Greg nodded and looked over to me.

"His vocal cords were damaged. Most likely due to when he was intubated; when he had the breathing tube."

"Is this something we gotta worry about, doc?" I asked concerned. I thought this only affected his voice.

"It can be if it worsens. He's pretty noisy when he breathes, but it doesn't look like he's in any distress. Any coughing or choking at all?"

"Sometimes when he eats." I confessed as I watched over my brother worriedly.

"You're not feeding him with the tube?" Greg looked concerned.

"Yeah, mostly but we thought we'd let him try and taste some real food." I answered.

"Darrel, you need to be careful. I know you'd never do anything intentional to hurt Pony, but he shouldn't be taking anything by mouth."

"But he's doing really good. Tell him, Darry." Soda spoke up.

"He's had a few things here and there. Soup went well. So did the eggs today."

"Look, I just want you to be careful. Go very slow with the food. He's got a good chance that the food will end up in his lungs instead of his stomach, and then you'll be here for a different reason. As for the behavior earlier, it's nothing to worry about. You're doing everything right. Keep him safe so that he doesn't hurt himself. Bring him in if his seizures last beyond five minutes." Greg grinned at Pony. "I shouldn't tie you up any longer. There's a whole bunch of people that are going to go nuts when they see you."

Pony looked at me a bit concerned. Neither one of us liked being the centre of attention like Sodapop. Sodapop loved that sort of action; of course, he was blessed with more charm and charisma than anyone I'd ever known. But Ponyboy had always been sort of quiet with most people; strangers. I nodded and winked at him encouragingly, and he seemed to loosen up a little by the time I had him back in the wheelchair.

Soda was at the helm; wheeling Ponyboy around while pulling wheelies and bumping him into walls on purpose while Greg and I hung back to watch the show.

"Left, Soda. Turn left." Greg instructed. "Don't kill him." He chuckled at Soda's antics as he walked us to the regular areas of the hospital.

Ponyboy was pointing, and Sodapop would run at full speed before leaning on the back wheels, tipping the wheelchair back. Ponyboy was laughing hysterically, motioning for his brother to run faster.

"He's happy. It's good to see." Greg commented as Soda ran Pony into a corner and almost tipped the wheelchair on its side with our brother still in it. Ponyboy was loving every moment.

"They're idiots," I frowned at the shitshow they were causing, but then grinned because I didn't care anymore. That's the sort of thing that would drive me to madness before, but now anything that would make my brother smile I was game for.

"These nightmares; does Ponyboy remember what happened to him?"

"He's had nightmares since the night our parents died, but it's different now. I know he dreams about it. He fell outta bed one night; begging to be left alone. Wouldn't let us touch him. When he woke up he was shakin' but didn't remember what he dreamt. I don't want him to. If he never remembers, it'll be a prayer answered."

"What if he does, Darrel? What then? Are you prepared for all that will come?"

I shook my head. "I dunno, Greg. If he does remember, I don't know how he'll react. He ain't like he was. He's like a little boy again." I shrugged.

"He may be this way the rest of his life, Darrel. You need to understand that he wasn't expected to survive, and he did. Its amazing how far he's come in such little time. You need to know that. You three just need to be; go with the flow and take time to just enjoy the fact that he's still with you."

"I hear you and I understand. I just wanna give him the best chance of a full recovery that I can."

"You _are_ giving him that. Darry, you need to cut yourself a break. You've done more than anyone could've. You've got yourself tied in knots but the fact is, Ponyboy is amazing. I mean it, just look at him." Greg motioned ahead and then laughed as Sodapop almost took out another patient that was minding his own business, going for a walk hanging onto an IV pole.

"Sodapop!" I hollered.

The innocent bystander just grinned when my brother flashed him one of his smiles, and went on his way. Ponyboy continued to egg Soda on; the faster the better. I was beginning to wonder if that wheelchair was going to hold up by the end of their adventure, or if I was going to owe the hospital money for damaging their property.

Greg and I finally caught up to Sodapop and Ponyboy as we found ourselves walking down that all too familiar hallway. Greg buzzed us in, and I started feeling a little anxious. We'd been out of the hospital for months now, and I had to remind myself that we were merely visitors, not the family of a boy who may or may not live.

Pony and Soda were spotted immediately, and it took seconds before nurses and doctors and other staff were circling them. I was concerned with how Ponyboy would react to that much attention, but with Sodapop there, he managed well.

"I'm going to find my gear and head out, Darrel. I want you to think about what I said." Greg said as he stood beside me and watched as everyone doted over my youngest brother as though he were a newborn puppy.

I was barely listening, but nodded. Greg seemed to know I wasn't paying attention. I felt a firm hand on my shoulder.

"You did it, Darry." Greg smiled.

I looked at him and thought about it for a moment before I shook my head. "We all did it, but mostly _he_ did it." I motioned over to Ponyboy.

"I want you to take it easy, Darrel. I'll keep in touch." Greg patted me on the shoulder before turning away down that familiar hallway.


	32. Thirty-two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

 

"You disappointed?" Soda asked me as we made our way out of the elevator and headed towards the main doors of the hospital.

"Disappointed about what? It's a bloody miracle we caught Greg on his day off. I'm thankful if anything." I replied, playing stupid. I knew what Sodapop was after, but I wasn't going to let him razz me about us not seeing Beth.

"I mean about your girlfriend not working today of all days." Soda teased, and had Ponyboy looking back at me with curiosity.

"Now, don't get started on that. Jesus Christ, Soda. I don't even know her."

"Yeah, but you wanna." Soda snickered, and I just shook my head at him. What a pesky little brother he could be when he wanted to.

"Darry's gotta girlfriend?" Pony asked Sodapop in confusion, and I knew I had to put an end to the topic of conversation.

"No, Darry ain't gotta girlfriend. The both of you can it! Why don't you worry about more important things, like what the hell I'm gonna feed you for supper."

"Grilled cheese." Soda shrugged. "So back to Beth. Pony, ya gotta see her. Such a looker, and sweet as can be, but she's smart too; knows the score. You'll probably remember her cause she took care of you lots. You're gonna love her."

"Do you ever shut up?" I winced at Sodapop, ready to smack him upside the head if he didn't start talking about something else.

"She's a nurse?" Pony looked at me curiously and innocently, and I wanted to strangle Sodapop.

"Great! Now I got the two of you goin' at it. Knock it off, would ya?" I griped and Soda just laughed.

"Hey, Curtis!" I heard our surname being called, and I looked at the entrance doors to find Tim Shepard standing there.

"Hey, Tim!" Soda greeted him happily, but my heart started thudding so hard in my chest, I was surprised that no one else could hear it.

"What are you doin' here?" Soda asked.

Tim approached us slowly and deliberately, and although he wasn't known for being a smiley sort of guy, I could tell he was extra cautious.

"One of my guys got busted up pretty good in a fight. Just lookin' in on him. What's up, Sodapop?" He asked as he shook hands with my brother, and then looked down at Ponyboy and nodded.

"Kid, you're lookin' good." He greeted Pony.

"Hi, Tim." Pony replied, but Tim's eyes were on mine.

"You got a sec, Darry?" Tim asked and then eyed my brothers.

"Yeah, we were just heading out." I grabbed the keys to the truck out of my pocket and handed them to Soda.

"I'll be right behind you." I motioned for Soda to take Pony to the truck so I could talk with Tim in private.

"What's goin' on?" Soda was no fool. It took him a whole half second to read me and Tim and know something was up.

"I'll tell you later." I lied to get him and Ponyboy out of earshot from our pending conversation. I had my mind made up on how I was going to deal with Martin Campbell. I didn't need Sodapop to try and sway me. I couldn't let those feelings get in the way.

"Darry…" Soda started, but I looked at him hard.

"I said I'll be right behind you. Go get Pony settled in the truck. You can blab about Beth without irritating me."

Soda gave me a look, promising me nothing but trouble later before he shook his head and walked off in a huff, pushing Ponyboy out to the truck. Tim watched Soda until he was out of the building before turning back to me.

"You really have a man down, or were you lookin' for me?" I asked apprehensively. Getting tracked down by Tim Shepard wasn't exactly good _or_ bad news, but it meant things were progressing.

"You're being tailed. Thought I'd give you the head's up." Tim looked around suspiciously as people passed by us.

"Tailed? Who the fuck is following me? Campbell?" I felt my stomach clench, but I was too pissed off to be in pain this time.

"Nope. So far, a dead end on that piece of shit. This guy has a dull, useless look about him; must be the fuzz. Just wanted you to know. Watch your back."

I was confused as to why the cops would be following me around town until it dawned on me. They weren't interested in me. They wanted to talk to Ponyboy. They wanted to ask him questions about his time in Martin Campbell's custody. They wanted to know what happened; wanted the sordid details and make my brother live through that hell all over again.

"Yeah, I think I know who it is. Nothing on Campbell then?" I couldn't help but be both relieved _and_ disappointed at the same time.

"Nah, but don't you worry. I got some boys out of the Brumly outfit in on this. This fucker can run, but he can't hide. I'll keep you posted, Darry." Tim nodded his head.

"Thanks, Tim." I said as I watched him turn around and head out the main doors. I took a deep breath to try and relax but it was useless. I scowled and made my way outside to the truck and my two brothers.

They were already sitting inside the truck when I made my way outside, and I was surprised to find Soda in the passenger side with Pony in the middle. He didn't say anything, and I was glad. I didn't much feel like talking as I made my way out of the hospital parking lot and towards the drug store to fill my prescription.

I knew I'd have questions to answer from Soda, and I hoped I'd come up with a half-believable story by the time we got home. Sodapop was hard to lie to. Not just because he could read you like a cheap dime-store novel, but because he was my brother; my best friend. I didn't want to shut him out, but I needed his head on right. I needed him to take care of Ponyboy. I knew it'd be tough on the both of them, but they'd manage without me. They wouldn't make it without each other though. It had to be this way.

I hung around the drug store for ten or so minutes before they had my new prescription ready and I headed back to the silence of the truck. I opened the door to find Ponyboy had nodded off, making his soft whirling sound, while Soda had Pony's hand in his, but was staring out his window; no doubt ignoring me. I looked out across the parking lot and noticed the bland look of a grey Chevrolet a few stalls down and across from me. Sure enough I recognized Detective Backus sitting behind the wheel.

He startled when he noticed me staring; standing with the door of the truck open, not hiding in the least, and I shook my head and rolled my eyes at him. I slid into the truck and placed the small paper shopping bag between Pony and me, and stared out my rear view to see what Backus was up to.

"What's goin' on now?" Soda asked, clearly frustrated by my lack of providing him with any sort of detail about anything lately.

"Cops have been following me. Got the heads up from Tim." I let Soda in on the secret conversation, or as much of it that I wanted him to know about, while I watched Detective Backus get out of his car and slowly make his way over.

I disliked him the day I met him. I hated his attitude towards us; how he came off like we were shit and he was better because we were poor. I hated the way he walked, like he was some big shot detective when really, he was just King Shit of Turd Island. I hated his polyester sport coat and his ugly pants that didn't match. Mostly what I hated and couldn't forgive him for was how callous he acted as he flipped those disgusting photos of Campbell and my brother over, not even caring how much it tore me up to see them. Not caring what Campbell had done to Ponyboy. Pretty much, I just hated him period.

"What the hell does this cloan want now?" Soda snarled as he turned around to watch him through the back window of the truck.

"Keep your trap shut. Let me deal with him." I ordered and rolled my window down as Backus made his way to the truck.

"Boys," he greeted us so condescendingly, I was ready to whip the door of the truck open and hit him with it.

"Backus," I threw the same tone back at him. "Something I can help you with, or do you normally make a habit out of stalking people?"

His face turned red when he realized that I knew what he was up to. He glared at me and then looked over to my side at Ponyboy.

"I see he's up and at 'em. I guess it would be alright if I question him about his time spent with Martin Campbell? Maybe _he_ knows his whereabouts?" He sneered at me and it was all I could do not to punch that look off his face and into the next year. I clenched my fist.

"I guess it ain't alright. We're heading back from the hospital. He ain't well and he ain't answering anything you gotta ask."

"You know, I'm getting tired of you getting in my way. Now, I'm trying to locate Mr. Campbell, and I've been patient with you. This is an ongoing investigation and it's within my power to question your brother, so if you don't start cooperating I'll…"

"You'll what?" I cut him off before he could finish his threat.

"You know, Mr. Curtis? Your eyes look red. You been drinking?"

I felt Soda tense up, but my arm reached out across Pony and held Soda back. I knew he was trying to be intimidating, but after all we’d been through, I wasn’t having it. It also occurred to me that he was more concerned with finding Campbell because he thought I might have done something to him. The guy couldn't care less about finding him so he'd be brought to justice for what he did to my brother.

"Your eyes look glazed. You been eating doughnuts?" I shot back at him and didn't miss how his jaw clenched as he tried to think of something to say.

Sodapop snickered quietly; covering his mouth with his arm to keep from being obvious.

"Is that all?" I asked, uninterested in continuing any sort of conversation with this meat head.

"You'll be hearing from me soon," Backus' threat was almost comical.

"Great," I replied dryly. "I'll go home and mark it on my calendar."

Backus said nothing, just backed away from the truck and slowly made his way back to his car. Sodapop let his arm fall as he whooped and hollered and laughed out loud, waking Ponyboy in the process. I frowned as my stomach gave me more grief.

"What'd I miss? What's so funny, Soda?" Ponyboy asked all bleary eyed.

"Doughnuts!" Soda hollered and then started laughing all over again.

I allowed myself a victory this time, but I knew this wasn't the last time I'd have to deal with Detective Backus and his asinine investigation. He'd be back, and I wasn't sure how long I could keep him from confronting Ponyboy and tearing down all the walls that I built to protect him.

* * *

"Is it okay?" I looked over at Ponyboy who stared down at his half a grilled cheese sandwich like he'd never seen one before.

"Should he be eating, Darry? Greg said to be careful." Soda worried, but I shook it off.

"I know what he said, Sodapop. I was there. He said go slow; this is slow. Ponyboy, what's the matter?" I was getting flustered.

"Ketchup please?" He whispered as he continued to stare at his plate.

Soda bounced up from the table to grab the bottle of ketchup out of the fridge. He opened it up and stood by Pony as he poured a big dollop on Pony's plate. Soda smiled, but Pony just continued to stare at his plate like he wasn't quite sure what to do. I slowly reached over and rubbed his shoulder. He slowly looked up at me.

"You okay, Pony?" I asked.

"I don't think I like this." Pony whispered at me, the frustration clear on his face as he tried to process something about his supper.

"You used to. How do you know if you don't try it?" I smiled softly at him while I gave his shoulder a squeeze. This logic seemed to make sense to Ponyboy. He nodded at me and then picked up his sandwich and took a bite.

"Well?" I asked as I watched him chew painfully slow. He swallowed hard before looking at me worriedly.

"I don't like it. I'm sorry, please don't be mad." Pony croaked as his eyes seemed to plead with me.

"It's alright, Pony. You don't have to eat it if you don't like it. I ain't mad at ya. Give it to Soda." I watched as Soda reached over the table to grab the half a grilled cheese, and pile it on the other two he already had on his plate.

"You doin' okay there, kiddo? I can make ya somethin' else if you want?" Soda looked at Pony curiously.

"No thanks. I'll just have the stuff for this." He rubbed the tape on his cheek holding his feeding tube in place.

"You sure, little buddy?" I asked a bit concerned. It was odd to see Pony accepting his feeding tube after having to fight with him to keep it in for so long. It was clear he preferred to eat.

"I don't feel very hungry." He nodded and I gave his shoulder another squeeze before I got up from the table to grab his formula from the fridge.

"Hey, Soda!" Steve's voice boomed as the front door slammed and I sat down at the table again armed with Pony's feed and syringe.

"Yeah," Sodapop mumbled as he continued to scarf down his supper like I'd told him it was his last meal. I rolled my eyes, but couldn't help a grin as I rotated between finishing my own supper, and helping Ponyboy with his.

"Hey, buddy. You about ready?" Steve walked in and slapped his hands down on Soda's shoulders before shaking him.

"What are you boys up to tonight? And should I be worried?" I asked absently as I watched to make sure I wasn't pushing Pony's formula through his tube too quickly.

"Races goin' on tonight. Why don't you come, Superman?" Steve offered willingly and it didn't dawn on me to be surprised by the invitation.

"Gotta work early tomorrow." I shook my head as I continued with Ponyboy.

"How 'bout the kid? Why don't you come out with your brother and me? It'll be fun."

I think I was as shocked as Ponyboy was at the invite. It was no secret that Steve and Ponyboy were far from being best friends, or even friendly with each other for that matter. Steve would always see Ponyboy as Sodapop's little brother, even though we all knew Soda adored Pony and regarded him as more than just a younger brother. They had a connection that even I found myself jealous of at times, and I knew it was a bond that irked Steve all the time.

"Aren't you taking Evie and Sandy?" Pony asked innocently.

The bomb was dropped for a second time, and I winced and looked at Sodapop who had paled. Sandy had been gone for months now. He'd finally stopped pining for her, and here we were once again with Ponyboy inadvertently bringing up the subject.

It was bad enough finding out that she cheated on him, but then to find out she was carrying a child that wasn't even his; it was more than I thought he'd be able to take. But Sodapop, being the kind of person he was, loved her anyways and decided that he wanted to marry Sandy. I thought Soda was making the biggest mistake of his life; sixteen was too young to get married and raise a family, and I knew he had no idea what he was getting himself into but I kept my opinions to myself. He was in love and there was no use trying to talk Sodapop Curtis out of anything once he'd had his mind made up. Thankfully, Sandy's parents took the decision away from everyone when they sent her away to go live with her grandparents down in Florida.

"No, Pony. Sandy went away to Florida, remember?" Soda looked devastated, and I realized I'd forgotten about everything he’d had to deal with on his own.

Soda was crushed when Sandy left him. It was the same week that Pony and Johnny had run away. He tried to hide it, but he cried every night until Ponyboy was back. But it was short lived; the State took Ponyboy away, and then he was in the hospital; all that time spent not knowing if Ponyboy was going to live or die while he was hooked up to so many goddam machines a person couldn't even see straight. I'd forgotten about Soda in all of the drama. My chest gave a tug as I looked at him; a seventeen-year-old boy who'd gone through more than he should have. But God, what a seventeen-year-old he was; his resilience never ceased to amaze me.

Pony's eyebrows furrowed, and he shook his head at Sodapop. Of course, Pony had no memory of Soda's heartbreak. He didn't remember any of it, and I could see the frustration as he tried to grasp on to the fact that he was different once again. I wanted to somehow spare him from the hurt of not knowing and not remembering these moments, but the alternative was so much more damaging.

Pony's face was sad as he saw how upset Sodapop was. "I'm sorry, Soda. I wouldn'ta said anything…"

"It's okay, Pony. I'm okay now." Soda smiled in vain, but hurriedly got up from the table and headed for the bathroom and shut the door behind him.

"I'm sorry, Darry. I didn't know she was gone." Pony was almost in tears, upset that he'd been the cause of his brother becoming unhappy.

"Shhhh…he knows, Pony. It's okay." I tried to make him feel better, but I wasn't sure I'd be able to.

"I'm sorry," Pony repeated, but this time it was to Steve, who surprisingly didn't look pissed off. The last time this happened, he tore a strip off of Pony.

"It ain't your fault you can't remember, kid. Just shut up about it, okay? Soda’ll get over it." Steve requested. Pony nodded.

The toilet flushed and Soda came out of the bathroom with his hair freshly combed, and a smile on his face. I noticed the smell of aftershave as he cleared our empty plates from the table and placed them neatly in the kitchen sink. I suddenly didn't feel as bad for Soda, as I did for the parents of the girls that would be out tonight. My brother Sodapop was single and available.

"So, whadaya think, kid? Wanna come hang with us at the races?" Steve asked again. "That okay, Darry?"

"Yeah if you guys promise to keep an eye on him." I didn't need to say that. I knew Sodapop wouldn't leave Ponyboy's side.

"You wanna come, Pony?" Soda asked as he leaned up against the counter.

"No, that’s okay. I'm kinda tired tonight." Pony tried to smile as he scratched the side of his head, but something was wrong.

"Hey," Soda spoke lowly as he walked over to where Pony was seated, squatted down in front of him and wrapped his arms around him.

"It's okay, Ponyboy. I'm okay. I don't want you to feel bad, alright? It’s not your fault." Soda was whispering in Pony's ear, likely a conversation he didn't want me or Steve to really hear.

"I'm sorry, Sodapop. I didn't mean to make you sad." Pony whispered back, and buried his face in Soda's neck as his right arm wrapped around his brother.

"You didn't make me sad, Pony. Sandy made me sad. But you make me happy everyday. I'm so happy you're home and safe and okay. I love you so much." Soda continued to whisper. "Come out and have some fun with us."

"I love you too, but I think I'm too tired." Pony spoke against Soda's neck, and Soda smiled and nodded.

"Okay, but you'll come with us next time, right?" Soda spoke softly as he pulled back and looked over his little brother.

Ponyboy gave a grin and a nod making Soda smile. Soda stood up and ruffled his hand through Ponyboy's hair before leaning down to kiss it. He looked at me and shrugged. I smiled and winked at him.

"You two, be careful. Don't be out too late, you got work tomorrow." I gave Sodapop my usual big brother lecture.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Soda waved me off as him and Steve made their way out the door.

I sighed at the sudden quiet of the house. It was like a bomb went off in reverse; the energy completely left the room once Sodapop was gone. I stood up and made my way to Pony, a little disappointed he decided to stay at home. I thought it'd be good for him to spend some fun time with his brother and Steve; help keep his mind off his troubles. I was also disappointed because I was dead tired, and in all selfishness wanted a night off to myself.

"Well, I guess it's just you and me, kid." I frowned as Pony stared off into the living room.

I worried how easily he seemed to drift off into his blank stares. It was like somebody would flick a switch and he'd be off on another planet, staring blankly at the wall, or his plate, or sometimes at me or Sodapop. I was always so worried that something would trigger a memory and he'd be lost in a way that he'd never be able to find his way back.

I didn't make any fuss with Ponyboy. I just picked him up from his chair and brought him into the living room, depositing him on the couch. I turned the television on and flipped the channels. There was nothing on at the time except the local news, so I turned back to sit next to Pony. He was staring out the window.

"You alright, Pony?" I sat beside him and rubbed the back of his head as he stared blankly out the window. He didn't answer and as usual, it was like he wasn't really there, just his body taking up space.

"Whatcha lookin' at, kiddo?" I looked out the window with him, trying to see what he could see, but all that was there was the low sun shining its last light as it was getting ready to set.

I suddenly remembered how not so very long ago, him and Johnny would be sitting out on the front porch until dark, talking and smoking cigarettes. I remembered how he'd drag Sodapop out as well, and I wondered if there was a spark of something in that stare of his.

"You wanna go sit out on the porch with me?" I asked, more out of curiosity than anything, and Pony seemed to come to life as he looked at me and a soft smile covered his lips before he nodded.

His eyes seemed to sparkle as we sat side-by-side out on the steps of the porch, and he never took his eyes off of the sky. My brother, the dreamer was alive and well and sitting beside me by some strange miracle or power I wasn't even sure I believed in until now. We didn't talk, we just sat and watched as the sky changed from blues, to pinks and golds, and finally it was dark and I had no idea what time it was or how long we'd been sitting out on the step.

"I shoulda had a weed." Pony mumbled and I looked at him like he was crazy.

"After all this time, you still wanna smoke?" I was incredulous.

Pony looked at me for a moment and then rested his head on my shoulder. "Not really," was all he said, and I chuckled at him.

"You ready for your medicine? We should probably think about hittin' the sack." I asked as I patted his leg.

"You didn't take yours." Pony looked up at me and frowned.

"No, but I will. Don't worry about me."

"If I don't, who's gonna look after you?" Pony looked at me seriously, and I couldn't help but smile at him. He sounded like Sodapop.

"I missed you. I don't remember things, but I remember feeling like I missed you." Pony rasped wistfully, and I felt my heart pound and my eyes sting.

I couldn't say anything for the lump in my throat, so I grabbed his hand and we sat quietly for a bit longer on those steps. There were a lot of things I wished I could've said to him at that moment, but I swallowed it down with the rest of everything else I was trying to protect him from, and tried to put a few more nails into that wall.

 


	33. Thirty-three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

"Darry?"

Pony’s voice was soft in the dark. I felt him shift behind me as he lay between his brother and me for what had been a few weeks straight now. His nightmares were becoming worse and more frequent, and although he put on a brave face and began each night in his own bed with Soda, whatever he dreamed about scared him enough that him and Soda wound up in my room after.

"What is it, Pony? You alright?" I mumbled half asleep into my pillow while I reached behind me and felt him grab my hand.

It took a few nights to get used to my brothers crawling in with me. I wished that it didn’t have to happen every night, but there was no way I would turn Pony away. Some nights Sodapop would wait until Pony was able to fall back asleep, and putter off into their room so as not to be a bother. But when the dreams were really bad, as in nights like this, the three of us crammed together in my bed and I just couldn’t turn them away. I knew what Pony was dreaming about; I was dreaming about it too.

"Darry, what would you want your name to be if it wasn’t Darry?" Pony asked seriously.

"What? Ponyboy, go to sleep." I whined at him sleepily. I could barely open my eyes I was so tired.

"Darry?"

"What is it?" It was all I could do to mumble back to him.

"What would it be?" Pony urged and I winced as pulled my hand away and I rolled over, completely ready to strangle him.

"Ah come on, Pony!" I yelled sleepily. "I’m tired! I had a long day. Go to sleep."

"What would it be?" Pony urged again, and I looked over at his direction irritated, wondering seriously if he was going crazy.

"I don’t frickin’ know! What kinda question is that in the middle of the night?" I asked annoyed.

"Well, why did dad name me Pony?" My little brother seemed oblivious as to how annoying he was being.

"’cause you kicked like a mule when mom was pregnant with you, but she didn’t want that for your name."

Sodapop’s laugh broke through the silence of the night, and I realized I was going to be up for awhile. Pony joined in, his laughter much softer and gentler than Soda’s, and I felt him punch my shoulder playfully.

"I’m serious, Darry!" Ponyboy giggled, and I rolled my eyes as I reached over and turned on the lamp on the night table.

"I’m serious too. You kicked poor mom like a goddam mule. You were this close to being called Muleboy." I held my thumb and forefinger about an inch apart. Soda rolled over laughing and almost landed on the floor.

"You’re not very funny." Pony tried to bite back his smile.

"Yeah? Then why are you laughing?" I grinned at him and reached over to tickle him on his ribs until he batted my hand away.

"How ‘bout you, Soda? What would you want your name to be?" Pony continued his survey. I shut my eyes and shook my head.

"I dunno. Somethin’ cool like James or Elvis. Whadaya think, Pony? Can you imagine if my name were Elvis?" Soda chuckled and Pony joined in.

"You two are nuts." I mumbled.

"Darry was right though. You kicked mom the whole time she was pregnant with you. Dad joked that she was gonna give birth to a pony. I guess that’s where he got it. You’re all leg, y’know?" Soda explained.

"Huh," Pony took a moment to think about it. "I guess I coulda had a boring name like Henry or Steve or Darrel."

"How’d you like to sleep on the floor, Muleboy?" I grinned at Ponyboy’s cheap shot and wrapped my arm around his neck, before I rubbed his head with my knuckles.

Pony squirmed and laughed while he struggled against my arm. Sodapop joined in and started tickling Pony while Pony’s hand was busy trying to pry my arm from him. Between the thrashing and squirming, it didn’t take long for Pony’s laugh to start giving him troubles with his breathing. His face was scarlet and I could hear his throat closing off at times. It always scared the shit out of me.

"Okay, okay, enough. Calm down, kiddo." I cupped Ponyboy’s face in my hand and watched him as he slowly caught his breath. His voice was getting stronger over time, but some things weren’t getting better at all.

"You ready to get some sleep now?" I asked Pony once his breathing was close to normal.

"I’m too scared." Pony commented as he rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling.

"Hey," Soda rolled over to face his brother. "It’s okay, Pony. You got Darry on one side of you, and me on the other. Nothin’s gonna get through us. You’re safe."

"I know, I just wanna stop dreaming." Pony mumbled.

"You remember what you were dreaming about?" I asked apprehensively, but at the same time I wanted to know.

"Sorta," Pony shrugged as his eyes closed, and my heart gave a thud. "I’m tied up and I’m trying to get outta some place dark but I can’t. I’m scared in it ‘cause I know something bad is gonna happen."

Pony’s voice trailed off as he let himself drift back to sleep. I looked over at Sodapop and I’m sure the expression on his face mirrored my own. It was dread. Memories were starting to come back to Ponyboy, and even if it was just in his dreams, I knew it would just be a matter of time before it all reached the surface. It was _my_ nightmare coming true.

* * *

At the request of my boss, I was back to full hours at work. Business had picked up considerably as we were nearing the end of May. Good weather always meant more work, and I just couldn’t say no to Mr. Garver. He’d been more than understanding about my situation at home with Ponyboy. I wanted to show that I appreciated him accommodating me while we tried to land on our feet, and I wasn’t just some bum trying to get out of work, not that he ever treated me that way.

This time Sodapop pulled back on his hours, which meant working evenings at the DX with Steve part-time. Ponyboy was doing great, but something in me didn’t want him alone with nobody there to protect him. Martin Campbell was still out there, and though I thought it’d be stupid for him to risk running into me, I knew he was a danger and I wasn’t about to take that lightly.

I was definitely out of shape for work, and maybe took too much enjoyment out of being able to spend so much time with Ponyboy. It was amazing to see him progress; to see him work so hard to get himself somewhat independent again. But what may have been even more important to me in a selfish way, was building this new relationship with him. It felt like our past issues were finally laid to rest, and we could finally be close. I’d always be worried about him, but I knew to try and understand him first before jumping down on him. I finally realized how sensitive he was.

It was past supper when I turned down our street and noticed the grey Chevy pull away from the front of the house. My stomach clenched, and my heart pounded in my chest and I debated whether or not I should chase the car down and throttle the cop who owned it, but I knew I was in trouble. I pulled the truck in the driveway, turned off the ignition, and sat still. I couldn’t move.

Every horrible scenario that could possibly happen raced through my mind as I sat in the truck and stared out the windshield and into the front window, looking for signs of life from inside the house. There was no movement and I felt the anger and frustration rising in me and I desperately wanted to be locked in a room with that simple son of a bitch cop.

"GODDAMMIT!" My hands hit the steering wheel before I rested my head on it, dreading what waited for me in my own home. I had no plan however. I just had to face whatever was there.

I sighed as I opened the door to the Ford and made my way out, walking behind the truck so I could grab my tool belt from the back. I threw it over my shoulder and made the walk to the steps, taking each one slowly and deliberately. My hand held the handle to the storm door a little longer than needed while I took another deep breath and let it out slowly. My heart was still pounding, and I felt like throwing up when I finally opened the door and made my way in.

The house was too quiet. Our house was never quiet. The last time I could remember our house being so quiet was when Ponyboy was in the hospital and I’d left Sodapop alone at his bedside. I hung my tool belt up behind the door and rubbed my hands nervously on the front of my jeans while I kicked my work boots off.

"Hello? Soda? Ponyboy? Where you two at?" I felt like I couldn’t move.

"Kitchen." Soda’s voice was different. I didn’t like it.

My feet felt weighted as I made my way through the living room to the kitchen. I looked around and found Sodapop red-eyed and smoking a cigarette as he sat quietly at the table. He looked up at me but then quickly looked away as he brought the cigarette up to his lips and took a long drag. He blew the smoke out and covered his face with his hand.

"Where’s Ponyboy?" I asked right away. I knew Soda would want to talk about it, and I didn’t want Pony around in case it got bad.

"Asleep. That asshole cop came by. Got him worked up and he had a seizure."

"Jesus Christ, I’m gonna fuckin’ kill him." I spoke lowly through clenched teeth. I made to move towards the bedroom to check on Pony, but Soda caught me by the arm and stopped me.

"He’s okay. It wasn’t long but it knocked him out pretty good." Soda spoke before turning back to his cigarette and taking another drag.

"Detective Backus?" Was all I asked.

"Yup. He sure was happy _you_ weren’t around." Soda gave a sad laugh before turning back to his smoke.

"What happened, Soda?" I looked at him as I slowly moved my usual seat so that it was next to him, and slowly sat down.

"He wanted to talk to Ponyboy. I told him to fuck off and get a warrant, but he already had one. I knew he couldn’t talk to Pony without you here, but Pony already saw him. Wanted to know if he was in trouble." Soda took one last pull off his cigarette and put it out in the ashtray he was rubbing with his thumb.

"Cop mentioned Pony being in a foster home and Pony freaked out. He don’t remember any of that, and I couldn’t calm him down. Tried to get that asshole out of the house, but Pony hit the floor and started havin’ a seizure and it was too late."

"How’d you get him to bed?" I was confused. Soda was strong, and I’d seen him carry Ponyboy on his back, but I knew he couldn’t lift Pony as dead weight.

"The cop helped me. Then he showed me his pictures." Soda’s voice was quiet. I looked at him and noticed his jaw tremble as his eyes welled up.

"Soda…" I started, but he shook his head at me.

"When you told me that guy raped him, I knew it was a bad thing, Darry. But I don’t think I really knew what you meant…" Soda broke down and covered his face in his hands while he cried.

I reached over and gently rubbed his shoulder, but he shrugged me off and lifted his head from his hands, shaking it.

"No!" His voice trembled. "Don’t you fucking shush me and tell me it’s gonna be alright! It ain’t alright, Darry! It ain’t alright he got stuck in a foster home! It ain’t alright some monster tied him up and…stuck his…in him…and made him do things…" The sobs were racking him as he tried to speak.

"I’m not gonna tell you it’s gonna be alright, ‘cause I don’t know if it ever will be." I answered, and answered what I knew to be the truth.

"You knew I didn’t get it, but you kept this from me. Why?" Soda looked at me accusingly.

"Because I know Ponyboy is everything to you. I wanted to protect you from this." I choked.

"Every time I look at Pony, I’m gonna see those pictures, Darry. How am I gonna stop seeing those pictures? How am I supposed to look at my brother again?"

"I don’t know, little buddy. I wish I could make it so you didn’t see them. I’ve been busting my balls to keep them away from you and Pony. I don’t know, but I know I’m goin’ down there tomorrow, and that bastard will be looking for another job by the time I’m through." My fist hit the table and Soda jumped.

"Why haven’t you gone after Campbell? Why aren’t you out there huntin’ _him_ down?" Soda shot me a look that chilled me. It almost looked like hatred.

"Who says I’m not?" My voice was as cold as Soda’s stare.

"I want in, Darry. Before you say no, you better just think of one thing. Ponyboy is _my_ brother too. I have as much right, if not more to make this guy suffer than you."

"It’ll be taken care of the way I see fit. You mind Ponyboy and stay out of it." I warned as I gave him a stern look.

"No! No, Darry _you_ mind Ponyboy! If you’da done that in the first place, none of this woulda happened!" Soda yelled before getting up from the table and storming out of the house.

His words stung, but I knew that it was nothing that I didn’t deserve. I knew in my heart that none of this would’ve happened if I’d have tried harder with Ponyboy. I never took the time to understand him, I just got annoyed with him for not thinking the same way I did. I treated him like there was something wrong with him when there never was. And I hit him, and he ran away. I hit him.

"Darry!"

I jumped up from the kitchen table and hurried to the boys’ bedroom as I heard Ponyboy yell for me. I opened the door to find him sitting up in bed, his hair disheveled and his eyes bleary.

"Hey, Pony. You okay there, buddy?" My voice was still thick with emotion after getting lambasted with Soda’s tongue lashing. I quickly made my way to the bed and eased down beside Ponyboy, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

"Why was Soda yelling?" Pony looked at me so worriedly, I didn’t know what to say to him. "Is it because of the fuzz coming to the house?"

"Yeah, Pony. I was supposed to be here to protect you two and I wasn’t." I rubbed his hair softly.

"Am I in trouble, Darry? Am I going to a foster home?" Pony looked almost in tears, and I just wanted to die.

"No, Pony! _God_ , no! I have permanent custody of you now. You ain’t ever going anywhere, you got that?"

"Is Soda mad at me?" Pony was shaking and I couldn’t do anything but pull him in tighter to me.

"Shhhh…come on, now. You gotta be crazy to think that. You know how much that kid loves you?" I grinned down at him, and his eye brows shot up as he shrugged.

"Sodapop loves you more than anything in the whole world. He’d never be mad at you; you’re his best bud." I smiled, letting that truth sink in.

"You are too, and Steve." Pony posed back, but I shook my head.

"Yeah, but not like you, Ponyboy. You’re it; you’re number one." I sighed and rested my cheek on the top of his head, and thought about Sodapop. I didn’t want him to know anymore than he already did. I didn’t want him to have those pictures haunt his thoughts like they did mine.

"I don’t like that man, Darry. Do I gotta talk to him again?"

"No, Ponyboy. He won’t ever bother you again, I promise. Okay?" I smiled again, doing what I could to make him feel better. I waited until Pony smiled back.

"Ain’t you hungry, Darry?"

"I’m starving, kiddo."

"Soda made you a plate. I helped him make a cake today." Pony smiled shyly.

"You did?" I squeezed him tighter to me while he nodded. "Well, I hope you didn’t put as much sugar in the icing as he usually does, or we’re all gonna wind up with diabetes."

He gave a soft laugh as I smiled at him again, and unraveled my arm from him.

"Come on, kiddo. You watch some tv while I warm up something to eat."

Ponyboy was stretched out and asleep; his head on the pillow resting on my lap while I stared at the television, not even paying attention to what was on. It was getting late, and I started worrying whether Soda would come back home or not. The only settling thought was that I figured he’d be with Steve, who’d look out for him while his storm was still raging.

There was a soft knock on the door, and I wondered who the hell would be knocking on our door this late at night. Nobody ever knocked on our door, except when it was someone I either didn’t want to see, or I didn’t want to hear the news they were bringing.

I gently eased my way out from under Ponyboy’s head, and made sure he was still sleeping sound before I made my way to the front door to answer it. I felt heavy as I walked slowly to the door; guilt, regret, anger, and grief weighing me down and making my feet drag across the floor. I pinched the bridge of my nose and rubbed my eyes as I opened the door to find a familiar face staring back at me.

"What the hell are _you_ doing here?"

"Hope I didn’t scare you. It’s late."

"Tough neighborhood, but I can hold my own." I grinned.

"Got your address from your hospital records. Hope you don’t mind, _ugineli_?"

"No! No way, man. Come in!" I smiled as I held the door open for one of Ponyboy’s saviours, Eric.

"Thank you, Darrel." Eric smiled and passed me as he stepped inside holding a package.

"Come in," I motioned him into the living room. "You want some coffee? Water? Can I get you anything?" I tried to lead him to the kitchen with me, but he stopped when he caught sight of Ponyboy sleeping on the couch.

I watched as Eric smiled and knelt down by Ponyboy’s head. " _Usdi ayastgi_ ," he whispered and then looked up at me. "Greg was right. He’s looking so good."

"Thanks to you guys." I grinned.

Eric looked at Pony, shaking his head, and then looked back at me seriously. I felt like he could see right through me, although it wasn’t the first time I’d had that feeling around him. He had a peaceful strength and knowledge about him; like someone old beyond his years. There was so much I didn’t know about this man, and yet through all of the mystery, I trusted him with not only my life, but the life of my brother.

"I’m sorry." Eric stated plainly as he stood and approached me.

"Sorry for what?" I asked.

"I should have come sooner." Eric said softly.

"It’s okay. I know it’s not really protocol to visit old patients. I didn’t expect you to, but I’m glad you did."

Greg had become a friend, crossing that professional line that I knew he wasn’t supposed to cross. He’d become sort of a regular fixture in our lives, and not just as a doctor. Despite his busy schedule, he made his way over weekly. Sometimes the visit was short, just to have a look at Ponyboy, and sometimes he’d stay for supper and talk with us. Ponyboy and Sodapop liked to hear all of his gross hospital stories; stories of blood and guts and pus infected sores that even made me wince and push my supper away. But the two of them loved it, and the more disgusting the more they laughed and groaned. I wondered about Eric often, but understood why he couldn’t do the same.

"I came at a good time." It was a statement more than it was a question. "You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders." As usual, I was taken back by his natural intuition. He could read a situation as well as Soda could.

I tried to laugh, but it just came out as a sigh as I turned around and started to make a pot of coffee to avoid his gaze. He waited patiently as he sat down at the table while I put the coffee on, and there was nothing to do but turn around and face him.

The front door opened and shut and Soda made his way into the living room. He looked down at Ponyboy worriedly, before leaning down to rub the back of his hand on Pony’s cheek. When he stood up and headed for the kitchen, his eyes met mine and they were cold, but I didn’t look away.

"Sit down," Eric’s voice broke the silence, and we both looked at him curiously as he motioned to the chairs adjacent to him.

We slowly made our way to the table to sit down. Eric was sitting at Ponyboy’s place, while I took my regular seat, and Soda took his. We watched Eric carefully as he rummaged around in the package he was holding, and pulled out a large brown spotted feather with beading surrounding the quill. Soda and I looked briefly at each other before turning our attention back to Eric and the feather.

"I was taken away from my parents when I was young; maybe eight years old. The State came in because my mother and father would drink and fight. I was placed in a foster home much like your brother’s. I guess I was luckier than Little Warrior since the man didn’t try to kill me, but I understand your pain. The State covered it up when they found out what was happening, and returned me to my grandfather. I was the same age as your brother when my grandfather gave me this eagle feather."

"One day I was out playing and I saw a cocoon. I was curious about it, because I always appreciated butterflies and all of their colors, so I decided to keep an eye on it so that I could watch the butterfly be born. A few days later, I noticed a tiny opening in the cocoon. I knew that it meant the butterfly was trying to make its way out of the cocoon, so I sat for hours watching. For hours and hours the butterfly struggled against the cocoon, but wasn’t making any progress."

"It looked like the butterfly had given up. It was weak and still, so I ran up to the house and asked my grandfather for a pair of scissors. He didn’t ask what I needed them for, he just got them and handed them to me and watched as I ran back outside. I wanted to help the butterfly, so I took the scissors and cut the opening of the cocoon larger so the butterfly wouldn’t have to struggle to make its way out of it anymore."

"My grandfather had made his way out by this time, and watched with me as the butterfly crawled from its cocoon. But it wasn’t a beautiful butterfly; it’s body was swollen and it’s wings were withered and small. We watched as it crawled around, but it was unable to fly."

"I don’t understand," I said to my grandfather. "The butterfly was struggling too much. I was helping it." My grandfather explained, that in order for the larva to become a beautiful and strong butterfly, it must struggle against its cocoon. The more it struggles against the cocoon, the lighter the body becomes, and the bigger and stronger the wings become."

Eric paused, and I looked over at Sodapop, who had become very emotional from Eric’s story. I was moved as well, knowing what he was trying to tell us. I got a lump in my throat as I noticed the tears fall down Soda’s cheeks. I couldn’t help but reach over and grab his hand as it lay rested on top of the table. Soda didn’t look at me, but he didn’t pull his hand away either.

"Your brother; he’s beautiful. Because of your love for him and each other, he’ll be able to spread his wings and fly. You taught him how to fight. You taught him how to be strong. That’s the reason he’s still here." Eric looked down at the feather and placed it on the table.

"This belonged to my grandfather. I want Little Warrior to have it. This is why I came."

I nodded silently, touched by Eric’s words and his gift to not only Ponyboy, but to Soda and I as well. I looked back over to Sodapop who was looking at me, wearing that big heart of his on his sleeve. His tears were still flowing as he suddenly leapt from his chair and reached for me.

"I’m so sorry, Darry. I didn’t mean what I said." Soda cried as I stood up and held my brother as tight as he was holding on to me.

"It’s okay, Soda. It’s nothing I haven’t already told myself. It’s okay." I mumbled into his hair before kissing it. "It’s okay."

"No, it’s not. I didn’t mean any of it. I’m just so fucking mad!" He cried, and clung on to me.

"I know, little buddy. I’m fucking mad too. I’m gonna get this fucker, Soda. I promise you, I’m gonna get him."

We pulled away from each other slowly. I didn’t let go of Soda’s hand as we both looked down at Eric, who remained seated at the table, a strange smile covering his face. He brought a box up from his lap and put it on the table beside the feather.

"This is for you, _ugineli_." He pushed the box forward and then stood up from the table. "It was my father’s."

"It’s too much, Eric. What are you doing this for?" I asked as I felt Soda near me; my arm automatically wrapping around his shoulders as I felt his wrap around my back.

"I want you to know I’m with you, brother. Take this gift and use it wisely, and when you do, think of me too. Know that I am with you."

Eric slowly made his way back to the living room on his way to the door. Soda and I followed and watched as he looked down at Ponyboy and gave a smile. We walked Eric to the door, not knowing exactly what happened except this mysterious, beautiful new friend of ours brought our family back together, and stronger than ever.

"I don’t know what to say," I commented as Eric slowly opened the door to let himself out.

"You don’t have to say anything, Darry. It’s okay if I stop by again when Pony’s awake?" He asked. I don’t know what possessed me, but I stepped forward and hugged him. I owed this man more than I could ever imagine.

"You can stop by whenever you want. Door’s unlocked." I pulled away, and Eric smiled.

"Stay cool, Soda." Eric grinned at my brother while they shook hands.

"You know it." Soda chuckled and we both watched as Eric made his way down the steps, down the walk to his car.

"What do you think he gave you, Darry?" Soda asked curiously as we watched Eric pull out and head down the street.

"I have no idea." I shook my head as I turned around and made my way for the kitchen with Sodapop in tow.

We sat back down in our seats as I moved the box so it was down in front of me and I looked at Sodapop while my eyebrows shot up. The box was wrapped in brown paper. I slowly unwrapped it, about driving Soda crazy with how careful I was being. I realized that everything Eric did was with meaning and purpose, and I felt like I’d be insulting him if I just dove right in and tore through the gift.

I folded the brown paper neatly, and placed it to the side while I gently took the box in my hand and opened it. My mouth opened as my jaw dropped, and I received Eric’s message loud and clear.

"Holy shit!" Soda said under his breath as his eyes became as wide as my own.

I nodded as I grabbed the bone handle of a double-edged hunting knife and held it up.

* * *

The Butterfly and the Cocoon - original author unknown


	34. Thirty-four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

 

_I’d gotten the call from Tim Shepard around dinner time, and I bolted out the door and peeled the truck out of the driveway so fast it put Sodapop to shame. I was consumed with so much hatred and rage I barely paid any mind to where I was headed, and somewhere in the back of my head I knew it didn’t matter; I’d get there. The call from Tim was muddled with garbled instructions that didn’t even make sense, nor did the voice even sound like Shepard’s but instinctively I knew it was him._

_Suddenly it was the middle of the night, and I was downtown driving up and down alleyways looking for Tim and his gang, when I spotted Two-Bit’s Buick along with him and the Shepard gang outside of Brady’s old abandoned warehouse. Just like in my other nightmares, they all stared at me in shock and despair. Just like in all my other nightmares, Ponyboy was locked up in that warehouse with the monster, and I tore through that old steel door to begin my search._

_The warehouse was as cold and damp as it had been previously, but instead of silence I was met with the anguished cries of my youngest brother. I started running; the isles between useless rusted out and broken-down machinery endless as I searched for Pony aimlessly. The frantic sound of him crying out my name was so close I could feel it in the air, but it seemed like the closer I got to it, the further away he was from me._

_My body was covered in a cold sweat, and my heart was racing as I tried to run faster to reach him, but it seemed hopeless. The monster had him that much further away from me. Pony’s pleas would finally cease, and I heard the sadistic chortle of Martin Campbell. He was going to do whatever he wanted to my brother, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I was surrounded in darkness and getting nowhere._

_A dim light flickered in my periphery, and I quickly ran in its direction but I was too late. As I turned the corner I was met with the sound of crushing bone as Campbell raised the wooden bat he was wielding, and made contact with the side of Ponyboy’s head. Pony dropped to the ground; the life struck out of him. His naked and defiled body suddenly covered in blood and bruises and that mess that always seemed to assault the air I was trying to breathe in. I opened my mouth to scream as I ran to him, but no noise came out. Campbell was suddenly gone, and my brother laid dead at my feet._

_I was on my knees next to Pony, rolling him over and praying for some sign of life. Blood oozed from the wound to his head and started making a small pool on the cold concrete beneath him. I checked to see if he was breathing or if he had a heart beat; neither existed so I frantically placed my mouth over my brother’s and hoped that the breaths I gave him, would give him life. When I started pressing on his chest to help his heart start beating again, his eyes opened and he looked at me; dead and hollow._

_"Why’d you bring me back? You shoulda just let me die." His voice was void of all emotion, and sent a chill through me._

_"What? Don’t say that, Ponyboy! Don’t you dare ever say that! You gotta fight, goddam it! FIGHT!" I shook his shoulders, but he suddenly stared past me._

_"I don’t wanna fight anymore. I want to die. Just let me die." Pony whispered._

_"NO!"_

I bolted upright in my bed and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The wind was whistling through the window I’d left partially open, but despite that I was soaked in sweat. I knew I was home, and I knew my brothers were just down the hall from me, but it didn’t stop the panic from escalating. I was out of my bed in a flash and making my way out of my bedroom and down the hallway.

I threw the door open and reached for the light switch before hurrying over to the bed in search of my youngest brother. He was lying on his back with his head turned towards Sodapop as I shook and half-sat on the edge of the bed. His eyes squeezed tightly against the onslaught of brightness in the room, and I struggled to catch my breath.

"Goddammit, Darry! I finally got him to sleep!" Soda hissed at me as our little brother was having his own brand of bad dreams at night, and I felt bad but at the same time I didn’t care.

Pony moaned uncomfortably as my arms wrapped around him and I pulled him tightly to me. I let my head rest against his chest; my ear up against his heart so I would know for sure if he was alive or not. I heard his soft whimper of confusion as he woke and tried to make sense of what was going on. I slowly laid him back down on the bed, but kept my ear resting on his chest so I could still hear his heart beating.

"Darry?" Ponyboy’s voice cracked softly as I felt his hands move up and hold my head.

"I’m sorry," was all I managed to get out before I closed my eyes and tried to calm my breathing.

"What’s wrong?" I could hear the panic starting in my youngest brother’s voice, and I wanted to comfort him, but I could barely stop my own self from trembling, so I just held him closer.

"Shhhh…" I heard Soda’s soft encouragement, and felt his hand join Ponyboy’s on my head. "It’s okay, Ponyboy."

"What’s wrong? Why is Darry crying?" I could sense how much my actions were scaring Pony, but I couldn’t do anything to help him. I just held on and listened to the rhythmic beating inside his chest while I clutched him to me greedily.

"It’s okay, Pony." Soda repeated; the sound of his voice able to soothe both of his brothers from a mile away. "He ain’t been sleeping much, is all. He’s been working too damned hard. He squishin’ ya?"

"Why is he crying?" Pony was getting worked up, and his breathing was starting to labor. I knew I had to snap out of whatever attack I was having, but all I could do was squeeze my youngest brother even closer to me.

"Shhhh…" I heard Soda trying to calm Ponyboy down as he ran his fingers gently in my hair. It suddenly dawned on me that I was the one he was trying to settle. "It’s okay, Pone. I think Darry wants to camp out here with us this time. You okay with that?"

"I think he’s too big, Soda." Pony sniffed as though he were crying.

I felt the mattress shift, and heard Sodapop’s feet pat against the floor of the bedroom as he moved around. The door shut quietly, and then I heard him open the windows before moving around the room again.

"Light on, Pony?" Soda asked Pony quietly.

"Desk light, Soda."

"You got it, kiddo."

I heard the gentle footsteps of Sodapop as he made his way around the bedroom again. The switch from the lamp on Pony’s desk clicked, and after more sounds of footsteps, I noticed the bedroom become dimmer even though my eyes were shut. I took a breath and it seemed to quiver. Then I felt a pair of arms wrap around me from behind.

"Everything’s okay, Darry. Ponyboy’s okay, alright? C’mon, lay down and get under the covers. You’ll get cold." Soda’s soft whisper met my left ear, as my right ear kept count of every thump in Pony’s chest. I wanted to shake whatever this was off, but it was too late to play this as anything other than what it was; a full-blown panic attack.

I was ashamed of myself for acting this way, and I couldn’t make myself face either one of my brothers. I felt ridiculous as Soda helped me curl up next to Ponyboy in their bed. I lay there in my underwear and felt Soda tuck me in like I was a child before he padded over to his side of the bed.

"C’mere, honey. Move a little for Darry." I felt Soda pull Ponyboy closer to him, and further from me, and I felt a sense of dread in my chest again.

"Don’t take him away," I mumbled stupidly, but I felt like I had no control over how I was acting and reacting. I was having nightmares for what seemed to be night after night endlessly.

"Ponyboy’s right here, Darry. Nobody’s taking him anywhere, okay?" I could feel both Sodapop and Ponyboy run their fingers in my hair. Between that, and the solid sound of Pony’s heart, I felt like I was finally starting to come back.

"I’m so sorry," I started, but was still too embarrassed to look at them, so I turned my face and hid it in Pony’s chest.

"It’s okay, Darry. You don’t gotta be sorry." Ponyboy’s voice was soft as I felt him shift to his side and curl in my direction. I eased my arms a little, and heard him release a breath.

"M’I squishing you, Pony?" I mumbled into his T-shirt.

"It’s alright. I don’t really mind." Pony answered, and I could hear the smile in his voice. I frowned.

"When did you get so big? I’m s’posta be taking care of you, not the other way around." I gave him a gentle squeeze.

"We’re all we got left now, right Soda?"

"That’s right, baby." Soda answered. I could still feel his hand in my hair.

"We gotta take care of each other, Darry. You don’t gotta be tuff all the time in front of us. You’ll always be Superman to me ‘n Soda."

I was finally able to look at my baby brother, and as I lifted my head to look in his eyes, I wondered in awe if he was aware of just how amazing he was. Soda grinned and kissed the side of Pony’s head before laying down and rolling over. I eased my way up and off Pony, shoving an arm under his shoulders so he could lean on me instead. He found a comfortable spot for his head on my arm after shifting around for a few minutes. I let out a deep and relaxed breath, and could almost believe I’d sleep again.

"Darry?"

"Yeah, Pony?"

"You never did tell me what you’d want your name to be if it wasn’t dad’s."

"Here we go," Soda groaned, and I found myself chuckling.

"I dunno, little buddy. Why don’t you pick one for me?" I mumbled tiredly.

"But that ain’t how it works, Darry. It’s gotta be what _you_ want." Pony explained wholeheartedly, and I just grinned in the night.

"How ‘bout, goodnight and go to sleep?" Soda mumbled. The room was quiet.

"Texas." I suddenly blurted out.

"Texas? Why that, Darry?" Pony asked.

"Dad’s from there, and it’s a great place. Makes me think of him more than the name Darrel." Our dad was such a cowboy, and loved all things cowboy. He named one of his kids Ponyboy for cripes’ sake! Most of the time I was too preoccupied, but man, I sure did miss him.

"You been there, right Darry?" Pony whispered, trying not to annoy Soda, who I could hear had drifted to sleep.

"Yeah, I was gonna go to college there and play football, remember? Dad and I drove over to Austin to check it out." I smiled at the memory. Me and dad made a weekend of it even though money was tight. It was the last time we spent time alone together before he died.

"I’m sorry you couldn’t go." Pony sounded sad. I smiled for the thoughtfulness and turned my head to kiss Pony’s.

"Wasn’t meant to be, kiddo. ‘Sides, we’ll get you back in school in the fall and soon enough it’ll be your turn." I could only hope college would still be an option for Ponyboy in spite of his head injury.

"I don’t wanna go away to college, Darry." Pony mumbled stubbornly, and I grinned.

"Nobody said you gotta move away. You can study here in Tulsa if that’s what you really want."

There was a time not so long ago that I pushed and pushed my brother to do well in school. Not just well; I wanted excellence because I knew that would be his ticket out of this neighbourhood and into a better life. I wanted him to do what I wasn’t able to do when I stayed behind to keep my brothers together. But everything was different then. Him and I had changed, and I knew it was selfish, but I’d be happy if Ponyboy decided to stay close to home to go to school. I didn’t want to lose him.

"I’ll stay here and go to college, ‘kay Darry? Then you and me and Soda can still see each other everyday." Pony yawned, and I chuckled at his wide-eyed view of our lives in three to four years.

A year ago, he would’ve been all too happy at the thought of me off his back for good. I’d be lucky to get him home for the holidays except I’d have Sodapop as my wild card. But we had all changed. We weren’t the same people. We weren’t the same brothers. Part of me longed for how things used to be, but it seemed like only a small part of me felt that way. Day after day, and as the weeks passed, I was feeling more at peace with our new roles to each other. I somehow felt less alone, less isolated, and more connected to my brothers than I’d ever been.

"Get some shut-eye, kiddo. Gonna be mornin’ ‘fore ya know it." I yawned, knowing it was going to be another rough day at work on minimal sleep.

"G’night, Darry." Pony whispered.

* * *

"You look like shit." Soda frowned at me as he sat down at the table with a chunk of chocolate cake.

"Soda, what in the hell are you doing up this early? Ponyboy still asleep?" I sighed with my head resting on my hand while I stared exhaustedly at my cup of coffee. I peered over at the clock. It was only a little after five.

"For now, but not for long. You wanna tell me what the heck happened last night? You know how hard it’s been getting’ Pony to sleep. Now he’s gonna be worrying his head off that somethin’s the matter with his big brother on top of everythin’ else."

I grumbled under my breath tiredly as rubbed my face. I didn’t want to talk about what happened during the night. I didn’t want to be reminded of how bad I lost my composure in front of my brothers. I was the one that was supposed to be the pillar and be the one they could depend on for anything. They didn’t need me breaking up into pieces over a stupid dream.

Soda looked at me expectantly, and if it hadn’t been for the chocolate icing smeared along the left side of his mouth and cheek, I would’ve sworn he was the wiser of the two of us. I smirked at him as I reached over and broke a piece of cake off from the hunk he had in his fingers, and brought it to my mouth and took a bite. My eyebrows shot up in surprise. It was the one Ponyboy had made and it was good; very good.

"Good, huh?" Soda exclaimed with a mouthful of the cake. I nodded as I put what was left of the piece in my mouth, and then licked the icing from my fingers.

"So?" Soda pushed.

"I’m sorry." I apologized as I took a deep breath in and blew it out quickly. I didn’t know what to say to Sodapop without upsetting him more than I had.

"Darry, you don’t gotta hold it all in on your own. You can share the weight of it with me. I’m here for you, and you can count on me. I’m not just your little brother."

"I know you’re not just my little brother. Soda, you’re my best friend, but you and I both know this is different. I can’t just sit and talk to you about how I found Pony that day and have you be unaffected. I can’t sit and tell you about these dreams I’m having, because I swear to God it’d kill you."

"You don’t gotta be protecting me all the time. I’m seventeen now, Darry." Soda tried to look strong, but I just grinned as I reached over and wiped away some of the icing that was smeared on the corner of his mouth.

"Shut up," he muttered as he rolled his eyes at me and I smiled as I stuck the pad of my thumb in my mouth to lick the icing off.

"That’s my point, Soda. Ponyboy’s remembering things, and I don’t know when it’s all gonna come to a head, but he’s gonna need you."

"He’s gonna need you too, Darry."

"It’s not the same, Soda. It’s different with him and me and you know it." Normally, I’d appreciate his attempts at playing dumb to spare my feelings, but I wasn’t in the mood. I had this dreaded feeling like we were running out of time.

"He’s completely in love with you; always has been." I grinned as I thought back as far as I could, and it was always Ponyboy following Sodapop with loyal, unstoppable, adoration.

"Uhhhh, yeah. Yuck, Darry." Soda looked at me like I’d gone whack-a-doo.

"For Christ’s sake! Not like that!" I rolled my eyes. "Get your head outta your ass!" I cuffed him lightly on the back side of his head. "It’s gotta be you. You’re the one that’ll get him through." I explained.

"You’re goin’ after him, aren’t you?" Soda sobered up with the harsh reality of what that meant for the three of us. As there were going to be consequences for what Martin Campbell did to our brother, there were going to be consequences for what I was going to do to Martin Campbell, and Soda was finally realizing it.

"He’ll need you. I know you’ll get him past all of this, ‘cause I know you love him as much as he loves you." My eyes bore into his before they shifted over to the clock. I gulped down my coffee. "Gotta go, boss wants to start early today. I’ll be workin’ late again, so don’t wait up."

* * *

 Just as I expected, work was almost unbearable. Between my lack of sleep, and the winds deciding to pick up, it was a day that just wanted to drag on forever. Against my better judgement, I hauled as much as I could carry up that ladder as my mind, my body, and that old bitch, Mother Nature tried to persuade me otherwise. I certainly wasn’t at my best, but we were busy as hell and that sure helped to keep my mind off home.

It was close to nine at night when I pulled the truck up into the drive, and dragged my feet up the walk to the porch, up the stairs, and slowly made my way inside. I barely had the strength to hang my tool belt up as every muscle in my back and neck strained in protest. If it weren’t for the fact that I was starving, I would’ve just crawled into bed in my dirty clothes and be done with it.

I shook my head tiredly as I heard snickering coming from the kitchen along with the sound of voices shushing those snickers. I had no clue what was going on, but I knew if it involved Sodapop, I didn’t have the energy. I knew that I needed three things: food, a shower, and a full night’s sleep. I didn’t want to be bothered with anything else, especially Sodapop and his shenanigans.

"That you, Darry?" Soda’s voice called from the kitchen as I struggled to bend over and untie my boots.

"No, it’s the goddam President of the United States. Who the hell else would it be?" I mumbled grumpily. I heard the snickering start over again in the kitchen, and wondered what was going on.

"Don’t move, Darry!" Soda yelled excitedly and practically galloped to the door. I stood up and turned around to face him. Soda smiled and held both of my arms before rubbing them briskly.

"How was your day?" Soda asked eagerly. His chipper mood was starting to annoy me.

"Long. I wanna eat and go to bed." I answered tiredly as I took a step to make my way through the living room.

"No!" Soda yelled, but then smiled at me. "No, no, no. Just stay here." Soda held his hand up and pressed it against my chest as though that could actually stop me. I brushed his hand off me and made a move towards the living room again, but Sodapop stood in my way.

"Sodapop, not now!" I whined at him, but he just started giggling at me as he moved me away from the living room.

"It’s okay, Darry. You’re gonna love this, just trust me. Hey, you guys ready?" Soda hollered to the kitchen, and I brought a hand up to cover my eyes as I felt a headache coming on.

"Alright!" Steve came loping through the living room excitedly as he rubbed his hands together. "Hey, Superman. You’re just in time."

"Okay, get him positioned over there, and call me when you’re ready." Soda left instructions for Steve as he skipped back towards the kitchen.

"What the hell is going on?" I asked in a voice that promised pain and suffering to these idiots that were keeping me from my supper and my bed.

"Relax, man." Steve grinned as he lead me into the living room, in front of the window and facing towards the entrance of the kitchen.

"Okay, I think we’re ready." Steve slapped me on the back and grinned as he stood beside me, his arms crossed in front of him.

"Ta da!" Two-Bit jumped out from the kitchen doorway, his arms spread out like he was the first prize to be won in a contest. Steve closed his eyes and shook his head. Of course, Two-Bit busted out laughing, and stumbled his way over to the couch.

"Wow, you shouldn’t have." I frowned. "Can you guys beat it now so I can eat some supper in peace?"

"Okay, here we go." Soda spoke softly as he wore a shit eating grin, and slowly made his way out of the kitchen. He stood off to the side a little and turned around and faced the doorway. "Alright, kiddo. Go slow."

I shot Soda an irritated look which completely melted from my face as I was suddenly watching Ponyboy slowly make his way out of the kitchen on his own two feet. His left leg and foot were still jacked and crooked, and he limped and hobbled terribly, but he was walking on his own. I moved forward to close the distance between Pony and me, but Steve grabbed my arm and shook his head at me.

"It’s okay. Your brother’s been practising this for weeks. Don’t ruin it for him." Steve almost looked proud of Pony.

I stopped in my tracks, and watched in utter amazement as Ponyboy made his way towards me, against every odd that was against him. Every unsteady step forward he made on his own couldn’t have been more perfect. I couldn’t hold back my emotions. I was too sore and hungry and sleep deprived, so I let my guard down.

I tried to take in every detail of the moment as Ponyboy got closer and closer to me. Soda followed close behind in case Pony needed help, or his leg decided to give out, but it wasn’t necessary. Our brother once again fought through the challenges we weren’t sure he’d be able to overcome, and came out a champ on the other side.

When Pony was close enough, I reached out and pulled him into me so I could hold him. I could feel myself tremble; I was so proud of him. I looked over at Sodapop and nodded. I had made the right choice, and knew that Ponyboy would come through anything in life with his brother at his side looking out for him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.


	35. Thirty-five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

 

"You surprised, Darry?" Ponyboy's voice was muffled as his face was pressed against me while I held him tight.

It was going to take me a bit to find my voice. I knew I had the room looking at me, waiting for my reaction. The gang had been hiding this from me for weeks. My brothers had been planning to use Pony's progress as a surprise, but it was so much more. It was a miracle, and a victory. It was a big "fuck you" to Martin Campbell who tried, but was unsuccessful at ripping my brother from this world and away from me and Sodapop.

I knew I was trembling, and for the hundredth time I silently cursed myself for letting my emotions get the better of me. Ponyboy held me a little tighter, and the way his right hand moved up and rubbed my back in comfort felt exactly like something Soda would do. I smiled as I pressed my face into the side of his head.

"I'm so proud of you, Ponyboy. I'm so proud of you." My voice cracked when I was finally able to speak, and I felt my eyes betray me as they got wet and tears made their escape.

"Darry?" Pony looked up at me worriedly, and Sodapop rushed in behind him. Soda crushed Ponyboy's small frame between the two of us as his arms snaked their way around, holding the three of us closely against each other.

"Shhhh," Soda whispered to the back of Pony's head before he stood up straight and looked at me.

Soda's eyes sparkled with the same overwhelming pride I felt inside, but as I looked deeper, there was more than just that. There was concern and worry knowing that the fate of our little brother would soon rest solely on his shoulders. Soda had proven time and time again that he was more than capable of being the one to see Ponyboy through those last important years before he became a man, but we both knew it was going to come at a cost. It was going to cost us all.

I felt a multitude of emotions regarding Sodapop. He was impulsive and had little regard for what the consequences would be for actions. He was a happy-go-lucky kid that loved life in the fast lane and that had always been his way. He lived life to it's fullest without regret, and I both admired and worried over him because of that. He had a presence that made people want to follow him, and it wasn't just because of his good looks or charm. It was his spirit, and I was both relieved and also guilty about the way life was changing him.

Soda wasn't even technically a man himself just yet, but he'd survived more in his seventeen years than a lot of people I knew that were much older than him. Sodapop was a lot different than me, and Ponyboy too. In spite of all the hard times, he always managed to face things with a smile and his head held high. But watching his little brother suffer so much over the months was changing him. He was more cautious and less reckless. He was starting to settle down and lose that restlessness that used to be in him. He was a little slower to give a smile unless it was for Ponyboy. I felt myself starting to worry more and more about him but one thing was certain; I knew that nothing would get in Soda's way when it came to keeping his little brother safe and happy. He'd lay down his own life for Ponyboy. I was trying to prepare us both for when the time came that I'd be doing the same.

I focused my attention back to Ponyboy and away from the unknown future that seemed to be looming over us. Every moment was a moment that I wanted to last because I didn't know how many I'd have left. I tightened my hold on Ponyboy, and pressed my face into his hair. Without realizing, I inhaled the scent trying to hold on to it so the memory would be ingrained in me for when we'd be separated. It was a lot different than before. The smell of shampoo lingered instead of the hair grease I was used to. So many things had changed about both of my brothers. This was menial in comparison, but still somehow symbolic to me.

"We're gonna squish him." Soda chuckled and loosened his hold on us while he ruffled his brother's hair. I reluctantly pulled away, and rested my hands on Ponyboy's shoulders while I looked down at him and winked.

"You ready for supper?" Soda asked and I just nodded in reply. "C'mon, it's ready for ya." Soda walked ahead into the kitchen.

"Wanna help me out, little buddy?" I grinned at Ponyboy, and he nodded. I was so bloody happy, but I was also exhausted beyond anything, that I truly thought I'd need help walking. I threw my arm around Pony's shoulder, and the two of us slowly hobbled our way to the kitchen with Steve and Two-Bit quietly following.

* * *

I jolted awake from the usual nightmare of my youngest brother suffering at the vIke hands of Martin Campbell. The dreams were beginning to become less terrifying and more enraging to me as they continued week after week. It was 1:30 in the morning when I sat up in bed; pissed off at myself for not being able to stay asleep and shake it off, and pissed off because I had no control over anything and everything that'd happened. I'd never get over it and neither would Sodapop or Ponyboy, and the reality of _that_ seemed to piss me off even more.

I sat up in bed for maybe twenty minutes trying to calm my nerves and somehow settle, but finally gave up when I realized it was futile. My mind raced with memories and visions of the photographs, the day I found Ponyboy barely alive in that toilet of a house that belonged to Campbell, and the months of our family struggling and fighting while he was in the hospital. I felt even more angered and I stomped my way to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. On my way, I noticed the light shining underneath the bathroom door.

I fumbled around in the darkness of the kitchen looking for a glass I could use for a drink of water. I turned on the tap after finding one, and hastily gulped the water down. I wanted some relief, and felt even more put out that the cold liquid offered no comfort to me at all. I headed back for my room to either fall back to sleep, or lay in the dark and stew because I couldn't. As I passed the bathroom I stopped in my tracks as I heard the sound of retching from the other side of the door.

My heart sank and I sighed, certain that all the extra care Sodapop was taking on with Pony had finally started taking its toll on him. I stopped at the door, debating on going in to see if he was okay or not. I knew that it meant a lot to Sodapop to be treated like an adult, but my heart still hurt knowing how strong and brave he was forced to be while his whole world was being ripped apart while he was only seventeen.

"Soda?" I called softly as I quietly knocked on the bathroom door. I knew that he would make a stink and be embarrassed, but I risked it anyways so I could at least offer him some comfort.

"Hey, little buddy. You okay in there?"

It wasn't surprising to me that Sodapop wouldn't answer. He knew that he didn't have to play the tough guy for my benefit, but sometimes to show me up he would. I knocked softly on the door again, just so he'd know that I was there for him if he needed. Again, there was no response, just the painful sound of him puking his guts out in the toilet, and I decided to leave him alone in peace. I moved to head back to my bedroom when I heard the strange whooping choke, and my heart started to pound.

Part of me already knew it was him before I grabbed for the knob to the bathroom door and turned it. I knew that strangled sound anywhere. My heart felt like it was in my throat as I entered the bathroom and found my youngest brother hovering naked, and heaving over the toilet. His pajamas and underwear were pooled down around his ankles, and his body shook while he emptied what was left in his stomach. I didn't even hesitate. I was on the floor behind him in a flash.

"Okay. It's okay, Pony." I spoke softly as I tried not to pay attention to the way the skeleton beneath his skin seemed to protrude.

"Please don't touch me," Pony cried out, and the way his voice strangled out his plea was enough to make me just about lose it. "I'm dirty."

"Pony," I started, but he only cried harder.

"Why won't he leave me alone? What's wrong with me?" Pony turned his head, looking to me for an answer.

The feeding tube affixed to his cheek was hanging out; no doubt that it'd become dislodged from his heaving. I gently pulled the tape off from his face and let the tube fall on the floor while I tried to think of something to say to him. This was the conversation I was dreading. I deluded myself into thinking Pony would never remember the details of what happened to him. I prayed that his brain injury would keep him safe from the memories and knowledge, but I was only using my prayers as bricks to build an even bigger wall of denial.

"Shhhh…" I grabbed a hold of Pony and pulled him into me. He was like a block of ice, and I felt a very real chill roll through me.

"He won't leave me alone. Every time I fall asleep he's always there. Make him go away, Darry. Please! Make him go away." Pony begged as his body fell into mine.

"I will, Pony. I promise you, I'm gonna make him go away. I'm gonna make him go away." I closed my eyes and prayed I'd be able to make good on that promise.

"I'm dirty." Pony tried to pull away from me, but I held on to him even tighter.

"Shhhh…" It felt like my heart was going to break seeing Ponyboy so frail and scared.

"Don't touch me, I'm dirty. I had an accident, Darry." Pony's teeth chattered while his entire body trembled, and I couldn't help but kiss his head.

"It's okay, Pony. Don't worry about that. We'll get you cleaned up, okay? We'll get it all cleaned up."

"Darry, I'm cold." Pony started to sob.

I tightened my arms around him and nodded my head as I pressed my face against his hair. I didn't want to let him go, but I knew that eventually I'd have to. It was becoming very clear to me that being separated from my brothers was harder for me to accept than I wanted to admit. Ponyboy had come so far and beat all the odds, but once his dreams and memories started coming and taking over, I felt like we were starting to lose him all over again. All I could do was hold on tighter.

"I'm gonna draw you up a nice hot bath. How does that sound?" I spoke softly.

Pony nodded, and I slowly and reluctantly let go of him so I could start the bath for him. I started to fill the tub and watched as he turned to the toilet, and rested his head on the seat. I made sure to make the bath a bit warmer than normal; I was worried about how cold Ponyboy's body felt. My heart raced as I watched him tremble. I didn't wait for the tub to fill.

I moved back over to my brother, and pulled him back to lean against me and offered him some of my body heat while he shook out of control. He covered his face in embarrassment when I pushed the soaked clothing off his feet, but I just shushed him gently, and pulled him up and carried him to the tub while it was still filling. He clung to my arm as I sat him down in the water.

"I'm right here, Ponyboy. Okay? I'm right here."

The tub filled and I reached over to turn the water off. Pony loosened his grip on me, and I broke away to go fetch a washcloth so he could wash himself. I hurried out of the bathroom and almost ran Sodapop over in the hallway as I headed to the linen closet to get a clean bath towel and wash cloth. His arms were full of bedsheets. Soda didn't say anything, just headed quietly for the back of the house to wash the sheets while I hurried back for the bathroom.

Pony was still shaking. He was hugging his legs to his chest as his head rested against his knees. His spine, his ribs and shoulder blades were so visible, I wondered how the hell I hadn't noticed sooner that my brother had been slowly wasting away. I eased my way down beside the tub, and without thinking I was bathing my little brother again.

He continued to tremble as I swept the washcloth against his back. I made sure to let as much of the warm water cover his skin as I could. He wouldn't look at me; so much like his brother Sodapop, I knew he hated for me to see him weak and vulnerable. That was one thing that hadn't changed about my little brother after everything he'd gone through; he was still proud.

Sodapop quietly made his way in the bathroom, and kneeled beside me to take a look at his little brother. Pony avoided his gaze as well, turning his head so it was facing the wall while his head stayed rested against his knees. Soda's expression was pained as he took in how thin our brother was. I realized that he hadn't noticed any more than I had. His eyes focused on the large scar over the side of Pony's ribs where he'd had a tube placed in the hospital to drain his lung. Months later it still looked red and angry against Ponyboy's pale skin.

"You want Darry to wash your hair, kiddo?" Soda asked Pony gently, maybe trying to get his mind off things, or maybe trying to get Pony to talk to us, but it didn't work. Pony nodded, but continued to avoid facing us.

"Okay, little buddy." I said as I started pooling water in my hand to wet his hair.

Sodapop reached past Ponyboy to grab the shampoo for me, and Pony still wasn't moving beyond the shivering he had no control over. I lathered up his hair while Soda grabbed a glass we could fill to rinse his hair with. I pulled the plug from the drain and fired up more warm water and started rinsing Ponyboy's hair. Soda swapped me places, and made sure there was no soap left on Pony's back. We were just about done when I looked over at Soda. He was fighting tooth and nail to stay silent, but his face was red with the effort as he sat there in tears, staring at our brother's body.

I didn't say anything as Soda bolted upright and hurried out of the room, but Ponyboy slowly turned his head and looked at me tiredly. I ran my hands through his wet hair to make sure it was rinsed thoroughly, and gave him a smile.

"Where'd Soda go?" Ponyboy asked, and I wasn't sure what to tell him.

"Went to go fix the bed up for you guys. Just try and relax, Pony." I answered. I wasn't sure if it was the truth or a lie at that point, but as my hands moved to wipe some of the excess water away, I saw what had Sodapop in pieces.

I'd seen the strange crescent shaped scars on Pony's hip before, but never thought much about it. So many procedures and surgeries and tests had been done on Pony, I had a hard time keeping track of what left what mark. But the unhealthy pallor of my brother's skin made the appearance of teeth marks stick out like a sore thumb. I let out a slow, controlled breath while the rage in me seethed.

I wasn't sure I could hold it in. My stomach clenched, my eyes were seeing red and I could feel my blood pressure rise as I tried to keep my hand both steady, and gentle as it rested on Ponyboy's shoulder. I wanted to blow. I wanted to punch a hole through the world and send that motherfucking rapist to hell where he belonged. Any second thoughts I may have been feeling disappeared. Doing life in prison would be worth it. I was going to kill Martin Campbell with my own two hands, and I was starting to look forward to it.

"Darry?"

My eyes focused and found Ponyboy looking at me almost afraid. I took a few deep breaths, and consciously tried to relax for my brother's sake. The last thing I wanted to do was get him even more upset. I looked into his eyes and concentrated on the pattern of green in his irises while I repeatedly pushed back on his wet hair. The more I concentrated on tactile things about my brother, the more I noticed I was relaxing.

"How do you feel?" I asked Pony as my mind screamed out repeatedly for me to not look back down at the scars.

"I'm cold." Pony's teeth continued to chatter.

"Christ! I'm sorry, Pony." I felt like an ass as I grabbed for the bath towel, and wrapped it around my brother.

"It's okay." Pony trembled as he grabbed an edge with his right hand, and pulled the towel tighter.

Soda came back in, his eyes still red and a little wet, but his composure intact. I caught his eye, and with my face alone asked if he was okay. No words were spoken, but I knew Soda understood. He gave a slight nod, and handed me a warm flannel blanket.

"Here. I warmed it up in the dryer." Soda commented shortly, letting me know he was sick of me staring.

I quickly looked back over to Ponyboy, and replaced the bath towel, wrapping the blanket around him snugly.

"Your brother's a genius, Ponyboy. Maybe you get your brains from him." I tried to get a grin out of either of my brothers. It took a bit, but Pony finally gave me a weak smile. Soda however, remained stoic and quiet.

I didn't even let Ponyboy try to ease to his feet. I fought with the blanket to make sure he was wrapped up in it good and tight, and hauled him up and carried him out of the bathroom.

"Darry?" Pony's voice wore confusion as I passed his and Soda's room and headed straight for mine.

"Shhhh…" I edged my way into my bedroom, and laid Ponyboy on my bed while I reached over to turn the bedside lamp on. "Just rest, Pony. Okay? I want you to get some sleep." I mumbled as I made sure the flannel blanket was still wrapped around him to keep him warm.

When I was done, I covered him up with the blankets on my bed, and sat on the edge and watched him while I pet his hair. His eyes eventually grew heavy, and the soft squeak I was used to, resumed with every breath he took and let me know he'd finally fallen asleep.

"We can't keep doin' this, Darry." Soda's voice was angry, but low behind me. "We gotta tell him what really happened."

"No."

"Goddam it, Darry! He's figuring it out on his own!" Soda spat out at me and I knew he was right even though I didn't want him to be.

"It's gotta come from us, Darry. Please don't let him remember it on his own. We gotta do this for him. We gotta do this _with_ him."

I shook my head at him, closing my eyes to any reaction he'd have to my answer. This wasn't the way things were supposed to go. This was not how I'd had things planned in my head. I was supposed to carry the memories with _me_ , and Ponyboy would have no recollection either way, and would go on with his life none the wiser. But Pony _was_ remembering, whether he realized it yet or not, and I knew that Sodapop was right. But I wasn't confident I'd have the strength or courage to take the next step.

"What am I supposed to tell him, huh? How the hell am I supposed to tell him what was done to him?" I lashed out at Sodapop, but it wasn't his fault and I knew it. Soda would never have anything but Ponyboy's best interests at heart.

"Darry, look at me." Soda's voice was steady and calm as he sat next to me on the edge of my bed, and watched as I continued to run my hand through Pony's wet hair.

"Darry," Soda urged again, and I finally looked at him, wondering why I couldn't be as strong as he was being.

I suddenly felt like the younger brother as my tears welled up with the thought of telling Ponyboy about everything that had been done to him when the State took him away. I couldn't even imagine how to bring up such horrific details, and calmly have a discussion about them. I looked at Soda desperately while I silently began to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton. Thanks to everyone that left kudos! Comments always welcome!


	36. Thirty-six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

 

"Darry," Soda urged again, and I finally looked at him, wondering why I couldn't be as strong as he was being.

I suddenly felt like the younger brother as my tears welled up with the thought of telling Ponyboy about everything that had been done to him when the State took him away. I couldn't even imagine how to bring up such horrific details, and calmly have a discussion about them. I looked at Soda desperately while I silently began to cry.

"Darry," Soda shuffled closer to me on the bed and grabbed my hand. "You've been trying so hard, and I get it. But this is too much; it's too big, Darry. It's tearing you apart. It's tearing both of you apart, and it's killin' me havin' to lie to him. I can't do it anymore, Darry. We gotta tell him everything."

"It wasn't supposed to be this way. I'm so sorry, Soda. I wanted to protect him from all of this. I'm so sorry." I broke down, but I wasn't alone. Sodapop was there with me, every step of the way.

His arms went around me, and I couldn't help but sink in and take refuge in the comfort they provided. I thought about Pony, and how he'd always turned to Sodapop in the past for comfort, and I had a better understanding of why. It was because Soda meant it; it was deliberate. He put everything he had into caring for those he loved. It was like an extension of his soul.

"You've been so amazing. You and him bein' so close; it's like a dream come true for me. I didn't think we were gonna make it the way you two were at it all the time." Soda commented, and I cringed once again with the memory of the night I hit Ponyboy and drove him to run away.

"I love him, Soda. I always have." I said defensively as I sat up to look at him. Soda just grinned at me.

"I know that, Darry. That ain't what I'm saying. You ain't such a stick-in-the-mud with him anymore. You ain't afraid to show him you're more than just his guardian. You ain't afraid to let him see that you love him. He ain't afraid of you no more."

"Yeah well, after everything that's happened, and watching him go through so much made it easy for me to realize what was really important." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

When I opened my eyes again, Sodapop was looking at me sheepishly, and opened his mouth to say something. Suddenly he closed it as he looked to be deep in thought.

"What?" I asked him; a bit nervous by the way he suddenly seemed unsure. That wasn't like him.

"Let me talk to him, Darry. I know you wanna protect him. I know in your head you've somehow made this to be all your fault, which is bullshit by the way. I know how much you love him, and you two are like peas and carrots now, but I think he'll take it better if I talk to him about what happened."

"Soda…" There was no way I could let Soda take on that task. I didn't want Soda to be the one to break Ponyboy's heart.

"Darry, I know you wanna be the one in control, but you gotta realize that no one is. This thing is spinnin' out of our hands. We gotta do somethin' and do it fast, 'cause I don't know if you're seein' the same brother I'm seein', but we're losin' him, Darry."

"I can talk to Greg. See if he can…" I started feebly, but Soda was the only one with his head on right.

"No, Darry. Greg's amazing, and I'm thankful everyday for what he did to save Ponyboy. It's great he's become a friend, but this ain't somethin' Pony's gonna understand. It'll be too much if it comes from anyone else. You gotta let it be me."

I looked away, and back over at Ponyboy who was sound asleep despite our frantic whispering. It pained me to make my brother go through this horrifying thing, but I knew that he was right, and I knew that I couldn't do anything but accept it. Sodapop and Ponyboy had such a connection. Everything Soda was trying to say made sense. Pony wouldn't understand, but Soda could talk him through it like he did with everything else, and make him understand while making him feel safe at the same time.

"Please let him sleep." I requested while nodding my approval for Sodapop to go ahead and tell Ponyboy what had really happened to him. "He just needs to rest; he's never getting enough rest." I tried to stop crying, but I was so damn tired and I needed to rest too.

"C'mon, Darry. Lay down with him and sleep. We'll worry about everything tomorrow."

I nodded and slowly crawled under the covers, gently shoving my arm underneath Pony, and moving him over a little to make more room for myself. Soda made his way around to the other side, and slid in. I didn't want morning to come.

* * *

"…you know you scared us somethin' awful."

The soft and tender sound of Sodapop's voice made its way into my consciousness, and along with the light coming through the window, I found myself awake in bed.

"I'm sorry, Sodapop. I was just tryin' not to wake you up, that's all." Ponyboy was upset, and I wanted to roll over and offer him comfort but I knew what was about to go down, and I was feeling more than a little uneasy.

"Where you get off goin' and sneakin' off like that when you're sick? Pony, you can't do that, honey."

"But I'm always wakin' you up. You're always so tired; you and Darry, and it's my fault. You gotta work…"

"Ponyboy, you let me and Darry worry about that. Work ain't important. You are."

"But Darry's always worried about havin' enough to get by. The bills…" Pony started, but Soda cut him off.

"Are of no concern to you. Me and Darry got it covered and you don't gotta worry your head over it. But you gotta let us know when you're not feeling good. You can't be tryin' to hide stuff like that from us anymore." I was surprised how firm Soda sounded while he was the one to lecture instead of me.

"I wasn't tryin' to hide, Soda. Honest, I just didn't wanna wake you up. You were sleeping really good, and I felt bad. Please don't be mad at me." Ponyboy's voice cracked, and I could tell he was on the verge of tears.

"Ponyboy, shhhh…" I felt the shuffling on the bed behind me and knew Soda had his little brother wrapped up in those soothing arms of his. "I ain't mad at ya, honey. But you gotta promise to come to me or Darry when you ain't feelin' good, savvy? Don't matter what time it is, or if we're sleeping."

"I promise, Soda. I'm sorry…"

"Shhhh…you got nothin' to be sorry about."

My brothers were quiet for awhile except the sound of their breathing and occasional movements. I closed my eyes and prayed for some kind of strength or guidance to deal with what I knew was about to happen next.

"What happened last night, kiddo?" Soda's question had my eyes opening as I dreaded Ponyboy's answer along with the conversation that would follow it.

"Just a nightmare." Pony mumbled into his brother.

"C'mon, Pony. I know you better than that. What's got you so scared that you don't wanna tell me?"

"I don't wanna talk about it." Pony's voice trailed off.

"I think you gotta, kiddo. I wanna help, Pony. You know you can tell me anything."

"I don't wanna, Soda."

"Pony, it's okay. It's okay. Just talk to me." Soda's voice managed to be soft, and pushy at the same time.

"Somethin's wrong with me, Soda! I don't want you to hate me. Please, don't hate me, Soda! Please!"

Ponyboy broke down, and I felt paralyzed. I wanted to flip over in bed and ease in closer to my brothers, but I just couldn't move. I knew that Ponyboy would look to me to stand strong and tall, but at that moment it was all I could do not to curl up into a ball and fade away. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep.

"How on earth could I ever hate you?"

"If you knew…what I did…you'd hate me! You'd think I was disgusting! You wouldn't wanna be my brother no more!" I could hear the anguish as Pony struggled to talk to his brother.

"Pony, stop talkin' like that. I could never hate you or think bad things about you. C'mon baby, just tell me what's goin' on. Whatever it is, I'll understand."

"How can you say that? You don't know that! Don't lie! Don't lie to me, Sodapop! Stop lying to me!" Ponyboy yelled and I felt him struggle to get out from Soda's hold to leave the bed, and I could hear him start struggling to breathe.

"Pony…"

"No! Don't touch me, I'm not clean, Soda! I'm dirty!" Ponyboy started sobbing out of control, and it was everything I'd feared.

"Ponyboy…GODDAMN IT!"

I could feel Soda and Pony struggle next to me and the world felt like it was crashing down on us as things escalated faster than I could even process them. I sat up quickly as Pony broke free and fought his way out of the bed only to land face-first on the floor. I was the first to make it to him; grabbing him carefully while he tried to get me off him. When I was able to flip him over, I had to pin his arms and legs down by using my own.

He continued to writhe against me, as though he were fighting for his life, and I was reminded of a time not so long ago, when it was Soda I was holding onto on that cold hospital floor after telling him about what our brother had to endure. At the time I couldn't imagine anything worse. Now I wasn't so sure.

Soda was soon on the floor with us, fighting to keep contact with Ponyboy; hoping that eventually he'd succumb and relax, but Pony was too far gone. I could see the panic starting in Soda's eyes as he realized Ponyboy wasn't going to calm down. Soda continued his attempts at providing Ponyboy with his comforting touch, but our baby brother wasn't having any of it. He'd gone wild.

"Pony, you gotta calm down, honey. You can't breathe!" Soda was finally holding Ponyboy's head while we were both struggling against him as he fought to break free from us.

"NOOOOO!" Pony screamed out in what I could only imagine as agony as he still tried to get away from me. I held onto him for dear life, turning my face into the side of his, and quietly begged him to stop fighting me and Soda.

"Pony…" I whispered into his ear.

"LET ME GO!" Pony's voice cracked mid-scream before turning into little more than a whisper as it gave out. His body was still fighting.

"Pony, please stop." I continued to beg, but he wouldn't.

"Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Please stop hurting me!" I heard his last rasp before I couldn't take it anymore.

"JESUS CHRIST, ENOUGH!"

It wasn't Ponyboy I was yelling at, and I knew it even when I heard both of my brothers suck in a breath as my voice boomed in anger. I was yelling at myself. I needed that charge; that kick in the ass so I could get control of the situation before I lost both of my brothers to the horror of what happened, and the despair it was causing. I was yelling at life and all the shit hands it dealt us. It seemed like one thing after another was trying to either knock us down, or rip us apart, and I'd had enough of it all.

"Darry, he's blue." Soda cried quietly as he watched over our brother in worry.

"You still got them pills Greg prescribed you in the hospital?" I asked quickly, wondering how the hell I was going to bring Ponyboy back from his nightmare. Soda nodded.

"Go grab 'em, and bring 'em here. Quick!" I instructed as I continued to hold Pony tightly and securely.

I dragged Ponyboy with me as I made my way to lean up against my bed, and gently started a rocking motion while I softly shushed my brother while waiting for Soda. I felt Pony let up a bit, but I knew if I loosened my grip on him even a little, he'd start to fight me again. Sodapop rushed back quickly, holding the bottle of Ativan he'd been prescribed when he found himself with me on that hospital floor; learning about what was done to Ponyboy while in the State's custody. Soda's hands shook uncontrollably as he scrambled to get the lid open, and then looked at me desperately for guidance.

"Take one out. Get it under his tongue, Soda." I instructed. Soda nodded and did as he was told. As Sodapop shoved the pill and his finger into Ponyboy's mouth, I tucked my face into the crook of Ponyboy's neck.

"We know what he did to you. It's okay, Ponyboy. I got you. Nobody's ever gonna hurt you again, you hear me?"

"Darry, don't hate me! Please, don't hate me!" I heard the desperation in my youngest brother's voice, and I could barely stand it.

"Shhhh. I got you, baby. You're home with me and Soda. You're home with us. Nobody's gonna hurt you now. We love you, Ponyboy. Ain't nothin' gonna change that. We love you."

"I tried, Darry! Swear to God, I tried! I couldn't get him off me! He wouldn't leave me alone!"

"Shhhh…It's not your fault, Pony. It's not your fault. We love you so much, Ponyboy. We're gonna get through this, I promise you."

"I tried to fight! I tried…" Was the last thing I could hear before his voice was gone.

"I know you did, baby. I know."

I then fully realized how hard my brother had fought during those months he was a prisoner of Martin Campbell's. He was my brother; a Curtis, and there wasn't a doubt in my mind that he fought Campbell off with everything he had. But as proud as that thought made me, I also realized the beatings it would've taken to get him under control.

I felt oddly calm even though my heart was broken. I felt calm finally knowing Ponyboy's reaction to the truth. Even though I questioned Sodapop, I knew he'd done the right thing for all of us when all was said and done. There was relief to be found in the fact that we were past the secrecy and the lies. There was relief in not having to tip-toe around Ponyboy, wondering when the moment would come when he'd remember. It was all out in the open now, and we could finally focus on healing. I could also focus on finding justice for my brother.

Sodapop stood up and made his way around the bed, grabbing the flannel blanket that Pony managed to fight his way out of during their struggle. He came back to us and sat right next to me while gently covering his brother. The pill kicked in, and I felt Pony's body go slack. I moved my right arm from around his arms and torso, and upwards so I could run my hand in his hair.

"His color's comin' back a little." Soda just short of whispered.

"Just breathe, baby. Just breathe." I calmly instructed my youngest brother, but really, I was talking to us all.

Soda curled around the side of me, resting his head on the shoulder Pony wasn't using, and wrapped one arm behind me while he fussed over Ponyboy with the other. It was a while before I noticed the three of us had relaxed, and even though Pony's breathing was the loudest it'd been since he'd been taken off the respirator, I could feel that he wasn't struggling anymore.

"How's he looking, Soda?" I continued to speak lowly; trying not to startle anyone.

"He's pale." Soda whispered as he continued to rub his brother's cheek. I nodded and continued to drag my fingers through Ponyboy's hair.

"You still with us Pony?" I asked gently. He seemed practically lifeless except for the rasping of his breaths.

Pony didn't say anything, but his hands slowly moved up to to clutch at my arms while he nodded slightly. I held onto him a little tighter, this time in comfort and I felt him lean into me a bit more. I didn't know if it was the drug, or the fact that Ponyboy put up one hell of a fight, but I could feel him fading, and I prayed he'd finally be able to get the rest he needed.

"Hold on, little buddy. Hold on for me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.


	37. Thirty-seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

 

The two of them were still in my bed come afternoon. I tried to coax Sodapop away from Ponyboy with a bite to eat, but he wouldn't budge. Sodapop lay curled around his little brother; spooning him from behind, with his arms wrapped tightly around him. Ponyboy was out cold, his colour still sickly, but he looked comfortable enough with his brother wrapped around him.

I went into the boys' room and searched through their dresser to grab something to dress Ponyboy in that wouldn't create a fuss. Some clean underwear, clean t-shirt, a pair of Soda's hand-me-down sweat pants, and Ponyboy's favourite blue hoodie; also a hand-me-down from his favourite brother. I took them with me as I headed back for my bedroom when I heard the front door slam.

"Hey, yo! Sodapop!" Steve's voice boomed through the house, and I cringed as I detoured to the front door, making my way over to him with Pony's clothes still in my hands.

"Hey, yo yourself. Keep it down." I snapped at Steve, and cocked an eyebrow at him when he rolled his eyes at me.

"What's your problem now? Where's Mr. Universe?"

"He's busy. What is it?" I didn't have a lot of energy to deal with Steve and his cocky attitude, but thankfully Steve picked up on it.

"What's goin' on, Darry? You guys okay?"

"Yeah, rough night." I answered quickly, not wanting to go over it with the one person who had no idea what my youngest brother had been through. Steve eyed the change of clothes in my hands.

"Is it the kid? He alright?" Steve's voice was oddly concerned, even though his history with Ponyboy wasn't always a good one.

"Yeah, we got it covered." I kept it short. "Go turn the tv on. I'll get Sodapop." I turned around and headed back to my bedroom.

I closed the door behind me as I made it to my room. My brothers hadn't moved, but Sodapop was awake, his eyes dull, carrying a blank expression to them. I held up the bundle of clothing for Ponyboy while I frowned at the absolute look of depression on Soda's face. I made my way to the bed, and slowly sat down, placing the clothes beside me.

"Steve's here for you." I spoke quietly, hoping not to disturb Ponyboy.

"Yeah, I heard." Soda nodded disinterested.

"You two have plans?" I tried to get Soda to talk, but with Soda, things just needed to happen in their own time; and that was _his_ time.

"Nothin' important." Soda mumbled, and then hid his face in the back of Pony's head and hugged him tighter.

I sighed. I knew how hard it was going to be helping Ponyboy through everything, but it was easy to forget what this nightmare was doing to Sodapop. I knew he loved Ponyboy as much as Ponyboy loved him, and it must've been devastating to have Pony lash out and push him away like he did earlier that morning. I could see the effects starting to weigh on him. Sodapop was never the type to just lay around. He was always wired and ready to jump from one good time to the next; never asking questions, and never looking back. He suddenly looked so defeated to me, like he was ready to give up.

"You know you _will_ have to get up at some point. You can't just stay here and hide."

"I ain't hiding. I just don't wanna leave him alone. What if he wakes up and we're not here?" Soda's eyes welled with tears, and I smiled sadly at him.

"He's home, Soda. He's gonna wake up in my bedroom and know that he's home. He's gonna wake up knowing that you and me are here, and he'll know that you and me are gonna blind the next son of a bitch that even looks at him the wrong way."

"We weren't there for him, Darry. We weren’t there when it counted. He had to fight that fuckin' creep off all by his lonesome. He didn't have a chance. That fucker beat the shit outta him and fuckin’ raped him, and now Pony thinks I hate _him_ for it. He thinks I'm ashamed of him and don't wanna be near him; that I don't even wanna be his brother. Darry, I knew something was off. I _knew_ it, but I didn't push him. I knew he was lying to me when he said he was okay, but I just let it go 'cause I didn't wanna upset him more than he already was. I shoulda pushed him. He woulda told me and then you ‘n me coulda got him the hell outta there!" Soda cried, burying his face back into Ponyboy's hair.

"Awe, Soda." I reached over and shoved my hand in his hair, running my fingers through it gently.

"How could he think I wouldn't love him anymore?" Soda sobbed.

"I don't know, Pepsi. He's gone through hell and back and I have a bad feeling that we don't even know the half of it. He's remembering everything and he's scared and he ain't thinkin' straight. Ponyboy's ashamed and he's thinking what happened to him is his fault." The thought was driving me crazy with heartache.

"I wanna know what all he did to Pony." Soda peered at me from behind Ponyboy's clean and unkempt hair, but I just looked at him and shook my head.

"Why? It doesn't change anything. What's done is done and there's nothing we can do. It's too late to change what happened. The only thing to do is…"

"Kill that motherfucker, Darry! That's what we gotta do!" Soda raged. I smiled softly at him.

"I was gonna say, be here for Ponyboy, but I can't exactly say that I'm against your plan."

"If Dally were here it woulda been done already." Soda shot at me, and I tried not to take it personally.

I knew that Sodapop was hurting bad. A monster broke into our lives and did everything but kill our little brother. I was going crazy picturing the way I’d found Pony that afternoon; my only solace being that he was alive and home where he belonged. I knew it was driving Sodapop mad, and I could tell that he was blaming himself. It’s what I’d been doing since I found Pony half-dead in that house he’d been tortured in.

"I don't want you to be blaming yourself." I spoke slowly. "You can't blame yourself anymore than I can, and believe me, I know how hard that is. What's done is done, and I know you don't wanna hear this right now, but life goes on. We can't stop living because of what happened, but what we gotta do is pull ourselves up for Ponyboy and fight for him now. We gotta be strong for him, Pepsi 'cause it might be some time before he's strong enough to fight for himself again. We've gotta pull Ponyboy through this and show him the way."

Soda looked at me. His eyes were wet and tired, with a look in them that resembled defeat. "I know you're right. I know you are, Darry but I don't wanna be strong today. I just don't got it in me, alright?" The tears rolled from Soda's eyes, and I hurt so bad for him. "I just wanna stay here with him. Maybe I'll be able to be strong tomorrow." Soda cried and shoved his face back into Ponyboy's hair.

"Okay, little buddy." I let my hand fall from his head and rest on his shoulder where I rubbed him affectionately. "I want you to know me and Tim Shepard are on this. Maybe you're right; maybe Dally _would've_ got this piece of shit by now and had everything over and done with, but I'm doing everything I can, and I promise you I _will_ find Campbell and I _will_ kill him. He’s gonna pay for this, I promise you.”

"Darry," Sodapop looked at me, regretting having said what he had.

His arm shot out and he grabbed for me; pulling me down by my shirt. I leaned over Ponyboy to get to Soda, and let my forehead rest against his.

"I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I love you, Darry." Soda sobbed even more, and all I could do was kiss him.

"I know, Soda. It's alright, little buddy. Why don't you just stay here and get some sleep? You keep an eye on our little brother; keep him safe."

Soda nodded and then buried his face back into Pony's hair while both arms wrapped back around him. I grabbed the change of clothes for Ponyboy and set them on the top of my dresser before heading out of the bedroom. I shut the door quietly behind me and headed to the living room, back to Steve who was still waiting on his best friend.

The television was off, but Steve was sitting on the couch leaning forwards, staring at it blankly while holding his hands together in his lap. He watched me as I tiredly made my way to my chair, and slumped down into it. I looked at Steve, suddenly curious about the expression on his face. He almost looked worried, and I couldn't recall seeing him that way since I'd known him.

"I don't think Soda's gonna make it out, Steve."

"Yeah, I know." He said as he watched his hands while he rubbed them together. "It's bad, ain't it Darry?"

"What do you mean?"

"The kid. Y'know, I've kept my mouth pretty much shut all this time, but I ain't stupid, Darry. I was at the hospital too, tryin' to keep Sodapop from losin' his marbles. He might not've caught on right away, but I saw the kid when they were workin' on him. I saw him when they rolled him over, Darry. You don't need stitches and packing in your asshole from a car accident. It looked like he'd been fucked by a train."

I closed my eyes at the memory, suddenly sick to my stomach. I wanted to yell at Steve to shut his mouth, but I was afraid to open my own for fear I'd throw up. I could hear my heart racing in my ears and I felt like I was in a cold sweat. All I could see in my mind was the horrifyingly brutal condition Ponyboy was in when I'd found him. I could still smell the scent of sex and waste from that room where my baby brother was left wide open and all alone to die.

"It's been months now. Why didn't you say anything?" I asked as I leaned my head back; my eyes still closed while I was trying to will away the overwhelming sense of nausea as it just about bowled me over.

"Sodapop." Steve answered quietly and my eyes opened to look at him. "I didn't know if he noticed and if he didn't, I didn't want Soda to know, so I just went along like it was an accident. I knew it would kill him to know what really happened to Pony. That dumb kid is everything to him.”

I nodded. Steven Randle was cocky, most times obnoxious to the point where he was hard to tolerate, but he was very smart and knew the inner workings of Sodapop almost as well as Ponyboy. I had to respect him. He'd do anything to look out for Soda.

"So that's what's wrong? Soda found out?"

"Soda's known for awhile now, Steve." I answered quietly as I felt another wave of nausea hit me. "Ponyboy’s starting to remember. Thinks that we hate him. He fought with Soda; thinks we're ashamed and disgusted by him and that this is somehow his fault."

"Well ain't that just great?" Steve groaned. "I thought Soda was bad before. He ain't _ever_ gonna leave Ponyboy's side now."

"That all you care about? That Soda won't have time to fuck around town and pay attention to you? You wanna pull your head outta your ass, or do you need my help?" I fumed.

"Look, Darry. Just 'cause I don't fawn over the kid and treat him like he's the second coming of Christ, don't mean I don't care about him." Steve snapped back at me, but then his expression softened. "Ponyboy's like a little brother to me; just the pesky kind that you wanna punch in the face a lot." Steve shrugged and then resumed playing with his hands.

I grinned and let out a laugh, knowing that was as tender and sentimental as Steve would ever let me see him be.

"He's a good kid…like sixty-five percent of the time when he ain't mouthin' off and givin' me grief about not lettin' him tag along with me and Sodapop."

"Sixty-five percent of the time, you say?" I mocked him. "Wow, _you_ got it rough."

"Ah, stick it up your ass, Darry. You have your own gripes about him, so don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about."

"Had," I was quick to correct him. "I had gripes, but it's a lot different and you know it. I was left to raise him. You just have to figure out how to share Sodapop with him."

"So?" Steve retorted.

" _So_ , maybe he's only _half_ of the reason you guys can't get along better?"

Steve rolled his eyes as he shook his head at me. "Fine; maybe."

I sighed at his unwillingness to recognize the truth in what I was saying. He was as stubborn as Ponyboy, and about as mature, it was a wonder _they_ weren't best friends. I wondered how Soda stayed so patient with the two of them at it all the time. I would've either gone crazy, or moved to another State.

"You staying for supper?" I got up from the chair and stretched; feeling my back pop when I twisted at the waist. "You hungry?"

"Yeah, I could eat." Steve slowly stood from the couch and watched me. He winced when he heard my vertebrae crack.

"Good. Go have a look and see what I can cook for you bozos."

"Why don't I just go grab some burgers?" Steve suggested. I frowned.

"I don't know. I'm not in the mood for a burger. I'll get Sodapop up and you can talk it over with him if you want." In truth, we had food in the cupboard and the ice box and I hated the thought of Steve spending money he didn't have on some drive-through or take-out for all of us. Plus, it wasn't as healthy as a home-cooked meal.

"Yeah, okay." He shrugged and went to the tv to turn it on. I nodded and headed for my bedroom.

I managed to open the door and slide in without making a lot of noise. The only movement seemed to be on Ponyboy's part. He rolled over at some point; his face shoved into Soda's chest. They seemed to both be sound asleep, and I felt a bit relieved by that given the circumstances. I walked to the dresser and grabbed the clothes for Ponyboy and then walked to the bed and sat down.

Sodapop stirred as my weight shifted the mattress, but his eyes were slow to open. When they finally did, he looked as broken as he had before, and his eyes instantly watered without a word being said.

"C'mon, little buddy. I want you to try and get up; even if it's just for a little bit." I spoke softly.

"I don't wanna leave him." Soda choked on his own voice, and I could only frown.

"I didn't say you had to. Pony needs to get up too. The two of you need to eat, and he may need his feeding tube if he won’t eat anything solid. Either way, I'm gonna need your help."

Soda didn't answer, he only stared at me for a moment before turning his attention to the sleeping form that was our little brother. He rested his chin on the top of Pony's head and then slowly looked back at me.

"You mind helping me get some clothes on him?" I tried again.

Soda pulled his head back, wiping the tears off from his face with his hand as he nodded at me. He whipped the covers back from him and Pony with his one arm while he pulled his other arm out from under Ponyboy; rolling him over slightly onto his back. I couldn't help but notice how young Pony looked while he was clutching onto the flannel blanket his brother wrapped him in. Ponyboy seemed to instantly sense something was off when Soda pulled himself away; he whimpered silently before his eyes opened and helplessly watched as Soda sat up in the bed.

"Shhhh…take it easy, Pony. We're just gonna get you dressed and more comfortable, okay?" I spoke to him as softly as I could so I wouldn't spook him.

I saw Pony mouth Soda's name in a panic, but no sound came out. Soda seemed to sense it without even seeing it, and he looked so tired as he leaned back over to his brother, kissing him on the tip of his nose while he pushed his hair back.

"I ain't leavin' ya. It's okay, Ponyboy. I'm just helping Darry get your clothes on." Soda smiled at Ponyboy; somehow managing a sparkle in his eyes for his brother.

Ponyboy fought weakly, shaking his head as Soda grabbed the flannel blanket to take it off him. Sodapop frowned, but stayed calm while Pony tried to hold on to the blanket; eventually giving up as there was just nothing left in him. Sodapop uncovered his brother slowly and with the utmost care, knowing how uncomfortable Ponyboy was feeling by being so exposed; physically and emotionally in front the two of us.

"C'mon, kiddo. You know Darry and me would never do anything to hurt you. Besides, you're our brother; we seen ya naked a million times. There's no need to hide from us. We all got the same bits." Soda smiled again at Pony, but Pony still looked anguished.

"Hey, remember about a year ago when Two-Bit yanked my swimmers down at the pool? Hell, I had half the east side of Tulsa lookin' at my bits; girls 'n all." Sodapop grinned.

"You gotta be kiddin' me? You never told me about that." I grinned; imagining all the shenanigans Soda got into with the gang that never reached my ears. I could only imagine the appreciative looks he gathered from all the girls, and the looks of horror he got from the adults as he stood there naked for the world to see.

"Yeah, well...I was mindin' my own business, talkin' to Mrs. Greene. No warning at all." Soda grinned while he gave Ponyboy a sideways look.

"I bet I can guess what happened next." I rolled my eyes and shook my head at him. My kid brother and his wild adventures at the public pool.

"Yeah, I got hauled out by the lifeguard after he saw what went down. Got banned for the whole month after that happened, and it wasn't even my fault." He looked at me sheepishly, and I couldn't help but chuckle at him.

"Soda…" I started to lecture, but couldn't so I just shook my head and laughed quietly.

"Anyways hon, my point is that it's okay. I've seen you naked lots. You seen me naked lots." Soda paused. "You wanna see Darry?"

"What?" I stopped laughing and looked at Sodapop like he'd lost his mind. Pony's eyes were practically bulging out of their sockets as he looked at his hero like he'd gone mad.

"Go on, Darry. Pull 'em down. We should just walk around here with no clothes on. Get it all out in the open and out of our system."

"What the hell's the matter with you? Are you nuts?" I didn't know what was goin' down, but it was possible that my brother was losing his mind.

"C'mon, Darry be a sport! You wanna see Darry naked, Ponyboy?" Soda asked, and Ponyboy shook his head frantically.

"Soda Patrick Curtis!" I yelled, feeling a bit embarrassed myself at his crazy talk, but then cooled it when I realized just like that, Sodapop was back. In his own time; his eyes sparkling again, and his smile intact.

"C'mon, Darry. Lighten' up, I was only jokin'!" Soda giggled at my sudden discomfort before he leaned back closer to Ponyboy. "Besides, I seen him. It's pretty sad, Pony. Rumour has it that's why no girls'll date him."

"Fuck you!" I let the curse slip without realizing it, and had Sodapop in a fit of laughter.

I'd had just about enough of his mouth until I realized that Ponyboy was red in the face with a smile from ear-to-ear, and decided I could eat this one for his sake. I found myself grinning in spite of myself, and shoved a hand in Soda's hair and started messing it up roughly. He laughed and gave Ponyboy a kiss on the cheek before he rolled away from us and off the bed. He started fussing with his hair while he made his way to the door.

"Checkin' on Steve. I'll be right back, Pony." Soda grinned as he opened the door and headed for the living room.

I grabbed the underwear and started pulling them up once I helped Pony get his legs through. He was still smiling a goofy smile, and I couldn't help but smile back at him. I gave him a wink as I handed him his t-shirt and helped him put it on.

"Just so we're clear. He's _your_ brother."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton. A huge thanks to all that have left kudos and comments!


	38. Thirty-eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

"Hey,"

I froze like a statue while I tried to surmount every haunting picture in my head while also trying to control every ragged, heated breath rushing out of my lungs. The sweet smell of honey and cloves started to soothe my senses as did the gentle sweeping that started up and down my back.

I inhaled the smell one more time as I gently eased my hands from the curved, bare flesh of Beth’s ass, and eased her down from the wall I’d had her pinned up against.

"Hey, look at me." Her voice was as smooth as her hands as they cupped my face and moved my head up from the soft curve of her breast so that I was looking at her.

"I…I’m so sorry. This…this isn’t what I was thinking when you invited me up." I tripped over my own words as I tried to get a handle on what was happening.

"It’s okay, Darrel. I’m certainly not complaining, but what happened? Where did you go?"

"I’m…I’m sorry." I stuttered as I felt myself get embarrassed and uptight.

As much as I wanted her, I couldn’t seem to separate what happened to Ponyboy with what I wanted to do, and _was_ doing with Beth. I knew they weren’t anywhere near being the same thing, but it seemed as though there was a lot for me to get over that I wasn’t even aware of. I suddenly wondered whether I’d ever think of sex the same way again, or if it would always remind me of what happened to my brother.

I looked down at my hand, and awkwardly held out Beth’s panties for her. She looked at me calmly and with care, and didn’t break eye contact with me as she slipped them back on and then pulled down and straightened out the skirt of her nurse’s uniform. I frowned, embarrassed by my behaviour and hastily zipped up my jeans.

"Darrel, it’s okay. Come on," Beth took a hold of my hand and gave it a squeeze. "Can I fix you a drink? We can sit and talk."

I’d had a few steady girlfriends when I was younger, but I couldn’t remember any of them being as stunning as Beth was. My hand inadvertently moved up and took a handful of her long hair, and I stared at its coppery bronze color completely mesmerized. I looked back at her and grinned.

"I’m thinking alcohol might be dangerous for me right now."

Beth gave a soft laugh that seemed to pull my grin into a full-blown smile. "Well, how about a coffee? That should be safe. Come talk with me."

She tugged on my hand and led me into the small galley that was her kitchen. I leaned against the counter and quietly watched her as she moved so fluidly. I tried to remember the last girl I’d been with, but I was transfixed by Beth’s curves; the thought crossing my mind that this was no girl that I was with right now, but a woman through and through.

"You like it black, right?" Beth turned her head to look at me, and smiled when she caught me checking out her rear.

I cleared my throat embarrassed, and rubbed the side of my face hoping I wasn’t coming off as offensive or worse yet, like a creep. I nodded my reply, and pinched the bridge of my nose while my face seemed to have a life of its own; the corners seemed permanently lifted in a smile. She winked at me while she continued busying herself, not bothered by my ogling in the least.

"How’d you know?" I asked, grasping at straws coming up with something to say. Any sort of distraction to keep me from slipping those panties back off of Beth, and burying myself into her right there against her kitchen counter.

"Do you have any idea how many cups of coffee I’ve made for you?" Beth laughed as she turned around and sized me up.

She bent her arms and rested her hands on the counter top, doing nothing to alleviate the throbbing happening in the front of my jeans, as all it did was successfully thrust her ample breasts out for attention. Again, she noticed as my gaze lingered a little too long, and she shot me a challenging look. I didn’t feel embarrassed this time. I didn’t feel ashamed or confused as I pushed myself from the counter, and made my way across to her side of the galley.

My hands held her at her waist as I leaned in and inhaled the smell of her hair. I felt the soft touch of her hand as it glided from my neck, up to my face where she pulled my head down and crushed her mouth to mine. Her kiss was powerful, and passionate, and I realized that I was going to have my hands full with this amazing creature, in more ways than just one.

She worked on the buttons of the top of her dress while my hands slid down underneath, pulling up on her slip and dress, and those panties made their way back down and off her legs. Caught up in whirlwind of emotions, I pulled her down with me onto the kitchen floor and completely forgot about everything but the feeling of her around me.

* * *

I felt the soft hand rubbing against the side of my face, and I couldn’t remember if I’d shaved in the morning. I silently cursed myself for possibly forgetting; knowing that it seemed to creep Ponyboy out. He always seemed to stare at me oddly when I didn’t keep myself groomed. I knew that whatever the reason was, Martin Campbell was somehow behind it, and my inner rage continued to grow.

"I’m sorry, Pony. I’ll make sure to shave tomorrow. You okay, sweet pea?" I grabbed what I thought was his hand, and kissed the palm of it before giving it a squeeze.

"I’m fantastic, thank you. Don’t shave on my account. I think you’re hot the way you are."

Beth’s voice brought me back from that place between sleep and wakefulness, and I lazily opened one eye and gave her a goofy grin. She looked like some sort of angel that had landed on earth. Her coppery hair splayed out on the pillow beneath her head, and the porcelain skin of her naked body was soft and warm where it pressed against my own.

"How is he? We never really got to talk much." Beth asked softly while her hand left my face, and started playing with the unkempt hair on my head.

"Whose fault is that?" I mumbled groggily, trying to avoid her question by making a wise remark.

"Hmmmm…" She smiled warmly at me. "I’m only taking half the blame."

I smiled back at her as I reached out and played with the beautiful locks of her hair. I’d never seen such a color before and I couldn’t seem to get over it. Beth leaned in, her breasts pressing up against my chest as she tried to stop my heart with one of her deep kisses. I was about ready to go for our fourth round that night when she pulled away and looked straight at me.

"You didn’t answer me. How is he? How is Ponyboy?"

I saw the concern in her eyes, and part of me wanted to open my heart and spill all my nightmares and fears out and into the open for her to see. But I couldn’t; it wasn’t my way, so I kept my mouth shut and tried to smile.

"He’s good." I lied and suddenly found it hard to look her in the eye. I focused my attention back onto her luscious locks of hair, and tried my best not to think of my little brother.

"Is he really?" Beth’s gaze was almost challenging, but still somehow worried, and I suddenly found it very hard to swallow. I tried to smile again, but I knew it only came out looking sad.

"He started remembering things that happened." I spoke lowly and tried to avoid her gaze.

"Oh my God!" Beth’s hand left my hair to cover her mouth, and I realized that it wasn’t an act. She genuinely did care. "He must be so confused right now?”

"He’s terrified. Keeps saying’ he’s sorry, like it’s his fault what that monster did to him."

"Oh my God, Darrel. I’m so sorry. This has to be so hard for you and Soda?" Beth’s soft hand was gently running itself through my hair again

"I just gotta get him through this. I can’t lose him to this, y’know?"

"I haven’t been a nurse very long. Maybe I shouldn’t even say anything, but I’ve never seen anything so brutal before. What happened to your brother…I…I don’t…I mean…what happened? Did the police ever find out who did this? Did they arrest them?"

I closed my eyes and tried not to think about those weeks in the hospital when we thought Pony wasn’t going to make it. I also tried to ignore the ache that started in my gut every time I thought about Martin Campbell being out there somewhere, free to do as he pleased instead of rotting in a cold jail cell, or better yet six-feet-under.

"No. The police don’t know where he is, but that’s fine. There’s other forms of justice."

"You’re going to go after him, aren’t you?" She watched me intently, and I wasn’t sure if I should answer her or not.

"What would you do?" I posed the question so that I wouldn’t have to answer, but also because I was curious. Would Beth think less of me if she knew what I was capable of, and planning to do?

"I would want him to pay for what he did." She answered truthfully. We stared at each other in silence for a moment, and I was thankful. I didn’t want to disappoint her, but at the same time I wasn’t going to be judged. As I looked into her green eyes, I felt safe from both of those things. When I saw on her face how much she cared, I was pretty sure that I fell in love.

"You’re such a loving man. You know, when your brother was brought in, I thought that he was your son." Beth smiled that beautiful smile, and I gave out a loud snort.

"Jesus Christ! I don’t look _that_ old, do I?"

"No, no! That’s not what I meant!" Beth looked so indescribably amazing as she back-pedalled and tried to apologize. I could only smile at her.

"I just mean, I’d never come across that before. The way you and your brothers are with each other."

"Like what? Not strangling each other, or trying to kick the crap outta one another? Yeah, we do that too." I thought back to the way we were before our parents died and smiled. Now we were just three boys that were forced to grow up way too fast. “We’re the only family we got." I explained simply.

"What about your parents?" She asked cautiously.

"They were killed in an auto wreck. Been lookin’ after my brothers since. After Pony got out of the hospital, I was finally granted permanent custody."

Beth furrowed her eyebrows before lifting her head and resting it on her hand. "Darrel," she began but I just couldn’t have her calling me _Darrel_ one more time. It made me think of my father, and that was starting to freak me out.

"Darry," I corrected her. "Please, for the love of God, call me Darry."

"Alright then, _Darry_." She grinned. "How old _are_ you?"

"Twenty-one goin’ on a hundred and fifty." I gave her a wry grin that turned into a smile when I heard her soft laugh again. We stared at each other until her gentle laughter just faded into another smile.

"I think you’re amazing, even if you do end up breaking my heart."

"What? What the hell does that mean?" I gave her a confused look while I chuckled, but then stopped when I saw the sobering look on her face.

"Your brothers—they’re the loves of your life." She pointed out.

I never paid attention or thought about how others would see me with my brothers; what the three of us together looked like from the outside. I couldn’t help but think of all the times I teased Sodapop and Ponyboy about the bond they shared. Those two were never afraid or embarrassed to show their feelings for one another; it didn’t even matter if people were around. _Was it possible that the bond extended to me as well_?

"Soda and Pony have been practically joined at the hip since the beginning. Somewhere down the line they decided to put up with me. They’re idiots." I grinned wholeheartedly as I thought about my two brothers. "They’re my family." I said softly.

"Well, I suppose a girl would be lucky enough just to come in second place." She shrugged, and then winked at me playfully. I winked back at her, and she leaned in and kissed me. The kiss didn’t seem long enough, and when she pulled back I wanted to follow.

"Are they going to be okay with you out all night?" Her eyes seemed to sparkle as she shot me another mischievous grin, and just like that, I was brought out of this reverie.

"Shit! What time is it?" I shot up from her bed and looked around her bedroom feebly for any trace of the clothes I’d been wearing when I knew very well they were strewn about from one end of her apartment to the other.

"Uhhhh, one or two I think. You don’t have to leave, Darry. I was joking. You can stay the night if you’d like." Beth slowly sat up, and leaned against me while she kissed my shoulder.

I turned my head and let my eyes travel wantonly up and down her body, and I slowly brought my hand up to hold her head while I kissed her. It would’ve been so easy to lead her back down onto that bed and go another round, but what she said was somewhat true. My priorities belonged with my two brothers at home, and as much as I wanted something to develop and grow with Beth, she deserved more than I was capable of giving at that moment.

I broke the kiss and looked at her sadly while my fingers tangled through her silky hair. "They need me with them."

"I know."

* * *

It was after two in the morning when I pulled the truck into the driveway and found the lights still on in the house. Steve and Two-Bit were sitting on the floor in the living room playing a game of Rummy on the coffee table, while Ponyboy was curled up asleep on the couch with his head in Soda’s lap. All of them, except Pony looked up as I walked into the room. Soda carefully slid out from beneath his brother.

"Well?" Soda looked wired up. His hands were trembling, and he tried unsuccessfully to hide that fact from me as he shoved them in his jeans pockets. Steve and Two-Bit stopped their game and looked up at me expectantly.

"Well what? What the hell are you all doing here up so late?" I asked irritated, as I saw that Ponyboy was still in his clothes.

"Did you get him?" Soda looked scared, and it took me a second to understand what he was talking about.

"Get who, Soda?"

"That perverted fuckstick of a slimeball! You didn’t come home. Did Tim find him?"

"Shit, Soda. I’m sorry." I groaned as I realized what Sodapop was meaning, and why Two-Bit and Steve were at the house so late. "I was out getting some groceries and ran into an old buddy. I lost track of time. I’m sorry." I lied.

Steve and Two-Bit both chucked their cards unceremoniously onto the table, and then eased their way off from the floor. Two-Bit slid into his leather jacket and patted me on the back as he headed for the door. Steve bent over to fish the keys to his car from the coffee table and walked over to Sodapop, squeezing his shoulder.

"False alarm, Sodapop, you can relax now. I’m gonna go. You call me later if you need anything. Either way, I’ll see ya tomorrow."

"Thanks, Steve." Soda mumbled. Steve patted me on the back on his way out.

"I fucked up, Soda. I’m sorry." I apologized. I hadn’t even given thought to the fact that Soda might take my late night as a sign I’d gotten to Campbell, and I felt like an ass.

"When you didn’t show up, I figured that was it." Soda’s voice shook, and I could’ve kicked myself.

"I’m sorry, Soda. I should’ve called, I just lost track of time."

"I don’t know if I can do this, Darry. I mean…what’s gonna happen after? Am I gonna get a call from the cops sayin’ you’re in jail? Are you just gonna leave us behind on our own and not give word? I can’t…" Soda’s eyes started tearing up, and my heart felt broken.

I moved to walk towards him, but he broke the short distance on his own, practically throwing himself at me. My arms wrapped around him tight, and felt him tremble. I sighed, feeling worse by the minute for forgetting about my brothers at the worst possible time.

"Darry, I don’t know what to do. I need you." Soda cried, and I let a hand move up and burry it in the hair on the back of his head.

"I shoulda called. I’m so sorry, little buddy. I fucked up bad. I’m so sorry."

I felt Soda’s head move as it nodded against me. He pulled back and hurriedly wiped the tears from his eyes and face. I kept a hand on the back of his head, ready to pull him back in at a moment’s notice if he needed that from me. Soda had been in a fragile state since Ponyboy started remembering everything that took place while he was in Martin Campbell’s care, and I felt like I’d just pushed him even closer to the edge.

"Soda," I tried to apologize again, but Soda shook his head at me.

"I know. It’s okay. I just freaked out a bit. I guess I was hoping for a warning or a signal or something. I just don’t know if I can do this, Darry. I’ve been thinkin’ ‘bout it, and I think you should stay with Ponyboy. I’ll take care of that monster."

"Soda, there’s no way. It’ll kill Pony."

"Well how the hell do you think he’s gonna be without you? Why do you do that? Why do you always act as though you’re less important to him?" Sodapop started raising his voice, and I peered behind him to make sure that Pony was still asleep.

"Soda, it’s okay. Look, it’s late and maybe we should talk about this when we’ve both had a good night’s rest. You’re too worked up to talk about this right now." I spoke softly. The subject wasn’t up for debate, and I didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

Soda reluctantly nodded, looking slightly put out by my refusal to discuss where exactly I fit into the family. I didn’t know if it was something he’d want to talk about later on, but for now I was content that he was going to let it go. I looked back at Ponyboy, who hadn’t moved since I’d come in, and then back at Sodapop who was looking at me a little strangely.

"What?" I asked as my eyebrows furrowed.

"Where’s the groceries?"

"What?" I asked confused.

"The groceries. You said you were out buying groceries when you ran into your buddy. Was it an old football buddy? Who was it?"

I’d only half lied to my brother. I really had stopped off at the grocers after work to pick up some food. It was Beth I’d run into however, and the next thing I knew I was following her to her apartment like little lost puppy with it’s tail between it’s legs.

"Nobody you know." I answered a little too quickly. That only earned me another strange look from my brother. My brother was no fool.

"Darry…" Soda’s sad face suddenly brightened as he sang my name while breaking out into a grin. "What were you doin’  after work?"

"I told you."

"Uh huh. Who was the buddy, Darry?" Sodapop’s smile was almost enough to break me, and I wanted to punch him for it.   _Goddamn that kid and his knack for reading me and my horseshit!_

"You don’t know ‘em." I tried to wave him off, but he just stared at me.

"Uh huh, ‘cause you got so many buddies." Soda teased and I wondered if I should feel insulted.

"Up yours, you little shit!" I said annoyed, but it only served to encourage him.

"Awe, c’mon Darry." Soda snuggled up to me; snaking his arms around me while he pressed his face into my neck, and I rolled my eyes. "I’m just teasin’ ya." Soda continued.

I shook my head as I returned his hug, but then noticed as my brother moved his face around while taking small sniffs.

"Are you _smelling_ me?" I asked incredulously. Soda stepped back, and gave me that all-knowing, smug as all-get-out look.

"You did it! Darry, you did it! YES!" Soda yelped as he threw himself back at me, practically climbing up on me like some sort of monkey.

"Would you hush up? You’re gonna wake Ponyboy. And get off me, you nut!" I pushed Soda away, pretending to be annoyed, but really I was more embarrassed than anything.

"You saw her, didn’t you? You were with Beth!"

"I dunno what you’re talkin’ about. Help me get Pony changed for bed." I played dumb; nodding towards our brother as I nudged passed Sodapop and headed towards the couch.

I knelt down and rubbed the side of Pony’s face with the back of my knuckles, and felt Soda approach. I was hoping Soda would drop the subject, but knew him well enough to know he’d badger me until I gave him the details he was after. I looked over my shoulder, and sure enough he was grinning at me.

"I ran into her while I was picking up a few things. Ended up at her place. Now shut up about it." I snapped at Soda, but he didn’t take offence. He only slapped his hands on my shoulders and started rubbing them.

"I knew it! I knew she had the hots for you! Never took her eyes off you the whole time we were at the hospital."

"How do you even remember anything? You were a goddamn mess."

"I was a mess, but I wasn’t dead. She’s so hot!" Soda’s eyes sparkled.

I then felt like an idiot because clearly I’d been a dead mess that didn’t notice or remember anything about Beth.

"Alright, alright." I started rubbing Ponyboy’s shoulder to try and wake him. "Enough talk about Beth. How was Pony today? Did he eat for you?" I noticed the feeding tube affixed to his cheek, and sighed in defeat.

"Yeah I threw together some potatoes and meat. Sorta made a stew. He did pretty good." Soda’s hand joined mine in shaking our brother, and eventually Ponyboy started to stir.

"C’mon, honey. Darry’s home now. Let’s get you to bed." Soda urged, but I was worn out and not patient enough to have this drag on.

"Where do you want him?" I looked at Soda as I grabbed Pony’s arm, and put it around my shoulder while my other arm slid beneath his legs to lift him up from the couch.

"Your room, if it’s okay?" It was a question, and I just nodded.

Pony was laid out in the middle of my bed while Sodapop and I hucked our jeans off and proceeded to crawl in on either side. I reached over to undo Ponyboy’s jeans, when his hand quickly pushed mine away, and he tried to sit up in the bed. I held him by the shoulders and helped pull him up.

"Shhhh. Hey kiddo, it’s okay. It’s me, little buddy." I reached out and pushed his hair back, while he looked around the room.

"It’s okay, Pony. We’re goin’ to bed now. Darry’s just gettin’ you comfortable, okay? He ain’t gonna hurt ya." Soda spoke so softly, it would comfort anyone.

Ponyboy closed his eyes as he lay back down. He then opened his eyes and looked at me; nodding slowly while he reached down and undid the button to his jeans. I smiled encouragingly as he pulled down the zipper, then lifted his hips as much as he could while I pulled the jeans off from his legs.

I threw Ponyboy’s jeans onto the floor next to mine, and watched him roll over to face Sodapop. Soda pulled the covers up over his brother’s body before laying down, and curling his arms around him. I watched over them awhile, waiting for their breathing pattern to change and tell me they’d both fallen asleep. It was then that I let myself lay down, and felt my eyes drift closed as my head sunk into the pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.


	39. Thirty-nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

"You okay, little buddy?"

I stared at my little brother as he was suddenly overcome with emotion, and looked as though he were going to start bawling. Things weren’t as bad as he was making them out to be, although my idea of what constituted getting stressed over and his ideas differed greatly.

"It’s gonna be okay. Don’t get yourself all worked up." I suggested as gently as I could, but part of me had to bite back a laugh. I’d never seen a bigger baby.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he tried not to cause a big scene in public. I placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged it off indignantly as though I’d tied him up with my own two hands and forced him to do this against his will.

"Listen, Sodapop. This was _your_ idea, so quit whining about it. It’s just hair. It’ll grow back."

Sodapop woke up early and came up with the bright idea of getting all his hair cut off. In addition to that, his plan was to have all the grease washed out; in essence having his hair just like Ponyboy had been wearing his since he’d been taken away from us. Ever since Martin Campbell had his hands on Pony, Pony insisted on keeping his hair short and free of any hair grease. He refused to talk about it with either me or Soda, but it was a subject that clearly haunted him. 

I really had no idea why Soda figured this was a great idea; Pony seemed okay with having short hair now, but Soda insisted on doing whatever he could to make Ponyboy feel better about himself. I honestly didn’t see the big deal, having never gone for long hair or hair grease myself, but in the past my two brothers had always been proud of their hair and what it stood for. Sodapop was now looking miserable. It was a grand gesture to do what he did for his little brother, but a gesture that seemed to be blowing up in his face. I was having second thoughts as well once I saw Soda’s reaction.

"Soda, it’ll grow back." I urged him again to quit pouting.

"I KNOW!" Sodapop snapped at me while he stared at himself in the mirror, and fussed with his newly cropped hair.

Ponyboy looked up at me nervously, realizing that Soda regretted his hasty decision, and ran his good hand through his own hair. I could sense that he was getting anxious and feeling responsible for Soda being upset and disappointed, so I quickly gave him a shake of my head.

"It’s okay, Ponyboy. It’s not _your_ fault that your brother jumps into things without thinking them through." I gave Sodapop a pointed look, and he frowned at me while sighing in defeat.

"Sorry," Sodapop ran his hand through his hair again. "It’ll just take some getting used to."

"Oh, for fuck’s sake! It’s goddam hair; it’ll grow back! Quit your goddamn bellyaching!" I blurted out loud; done with Soda’s melodrama. Ponyboy, who seemed to always get fascinated when I let out the swear words, bit his lip and tried to hide his grin.

"Geeze, Darry. I can’t believe you once kissed our mother with that potty mouth, not to mention you’re a horrible influence on our poor Ponyboy." Soda teased, and I rolled my eyes at him.

"Whadaya think, Pony? Do I still look tuff?"

Ponyboy slowly slid out of the barber chair he’d been sitting in, and hobbled his way slowly over to his brother; that left leg doing nothing to help. He eyed Sodapop intently once he found himself facing him, then brought his hand up to run his fingers through his big brother’s hair. Soda’s smile was warm, as he wrapped his arms around Pony. Ponyboy pulled away, and slowly shook his head at his brother. I started laughing.

"Oh, you’re gonna get it, you little shit!" Soda gleamed at Pony, and reached out to try and tickle him.

Ponyboy moved a little too quickly to get away, and started to stumble backwards as his bum leg wouldn’t move the way it needed to for him to keep his balance. Before he crashed into the vanity, behind him, Sodapop was up out of his seat; his arms wrapped around his brother to keep him upright.

"Pretty quick there, little buddy. Nice catch!" I grinned, impressed at Sodapop’s reflexes. "Why didn’t you try out for football when you were in school?"

"’cause I wanted to spend my time chasing girls, not balls." He grinned at me and I chuckled as I approached old man Vinny to pay for the hair cuts.

* * *

 

The three of us landed on the corner of Pickett and Sutton. It was another one of those rare days where Soda and myself shared the same day off, a treat for the three of us especially Ponyboy. After the haircut fiasco at Vinny’s, we headed over to the shopping centre, so I could pick up some refills for both me and Pony at the drugstore.

I suggested we stop over at The Freezing Cow for ice cream. It was like pulling teeth to try and coax any sort of interest in food and eating out of Ponyboy. I thought about the times spent nagging and threatening him when he first got home and tried repeatedly to pull out his feeding tube so he could eat on his own, and now I would do almost anything for him to show that same fight again.

"Alright, what are you guys thinkin’?" I asked my brothers, knowing it’d be chocolate something-or-other.

"Chocolate." Soda replied predictably. We were all crazy about chocolate.

"Ponyboy? See anything you might like?" I tried to ask gently so he wouldn’t feel as though I was being too pushy.

I’d been on him about eating since the night I found him naked and sick in the bathroom, and realized I could count his ribs without even trying. It was becoming hard to communicate with Ponyboy. He was back to not talking, and he’d shut right down if something upset him. My brother was slowly fading away, and I was running out of time and running out of solutions.

Pony looked uninterested as he gazed through the glass showcases containing various vats of various flavours. He shrugged and then shook his head at me, and I wanted so bad to just yell at him, but I couldn’t. Despite my growing frustration, I knew it would just make him regress even further into himself, so I bit my tongue and held it in.

"You wanna share mine, Pony?" Soda smiled that smile, and Pony’s face softened. He smiled back at his brother slightly and then pointed at one of the flavours.

"Banana?" Soda asked incredulously, and Pony nodded.

"Christ, you’re a goddam monkey." I teased, and was rewarded with a grin and an eye roll from my youngest brother.

"No chocolate? You sure, kiddo?" Soda rubbed his brother’s back.

Pony nodded and tapped his finger on the glass, pointing out very clearly that he wanted banana ice cream.

"Banana it is, I guess." I smiled at the small victory while heading to the man at the cash register to tell him our order.

Sodapop grabbed Ponyboy by the back of the neck and roughed him up affectionately. Pony got in a few jabs himself as the door opened and a handful of socs wandered in. They were their usual selves; loud and obnoxious while cussing and laughing and making sure every patron knew they were present. I shook my head, unimpressed by their attention seeking efforts, but kept a sharp eye on them while they noticed Soda helping Ponyboy walk over to grab a table for the three of us.

"Hey, lookit! That greaser’s got himself a pet retard!" A tall blonde pointed out Ponyboy to his group of goons and soon they were all laughing.

"Gentlemen, I’ll ask you once to keep it down. After that you’re out of here." The man working the counter uttered his warning leaving the group to snicker quietly amongst themselves.

I glowered to myself while paying for our cones, and carefully made my way to my brothers to hand out their treats. Naturally, the group of socs picked the table right next to ours so they could continue gawking and making Ponyboy miserable. They were up at the counter and placing their orders by the time I made it to my brothers.

"We alright over here? We can move seats or take off. Say the word." I handed Soda his and Pony’s cone while I sat across from the both of them with mine.

"Nah, just the same ol’ same ol’, right Ponyboy?" Soda smiled encouragingly at his little brother while he passed him his ice cream.

Pony didn’t respond, just looked dejected while staring at his cone. Soda gave me a look, and I nodded at him while I started in on my ice cream.

"Hey, monkey." I said softly to get Pony’s attention. Pony slowly looked up at me and his eyes were tired and sad. "How’s that banana ice cream?" I winked at him.

Pony stared at me a moment before his face softened, and he took a taste from his cone. He nodded appreciatively before taking another taste. I reached across and gently wrapped my hand around his wrist, bringing his cone closer so I could steal a bite. Pony and Soda were both grinning.

"Hmmmm…not bad." I gave Pony my approval for his choice, and he smiled while seemingly to be encouraged enough to eat more.

"Is it good?" Soda didn’t look convinced, so nudged his brother trying to get his own sample. Pony held out his ice cream for Soda to try. Soda’s eyebrows shot up after taking a taste.

"Hey, Pony it’s pretty good. You should get a scoop of chocolate with that next time. Wanna try?" Soda held out his cone for Pony, and Pony went ahead and had a try. Pony nodded.

I watched my brothers fondly, while getting back to business with my own ice cream. It felt good to be out and about with them, especially Ponyboy who didn’t even want to be on the other side of the front door since remembering what Campbell had done to him. I watched as Sodapop threw an arm around Pony’s shoulders and said something in his ear that set Ponyboy off smiling, and I couldn’t help but smile myself.

The goon squad had slowly made their way back to the table beside ours. Still snickering occasionally, they were loud and not shy about what they were trying to do, and that was to make Ponyboy feel uncomfortable. His smile faded as the laughing from the other table continued. We stayed quiet at our table, concentrating on our desserts while me and Soda tried shielding our brother. Pony eventually relaxed enough to finish his cone with the occasional nudge from Sodapop, and winks from myself.

"Hey, where can I get me one of those?" A voice broke into our silence, and I looked beside me to the table next to ours to find the five socs all grinning at Pony.

"Get one of what?" Soda asked irritated.

"A pet retard." The tall blonde smirked and they all laughed.

"You should know, you’re sitting at a table full of ‘em." Soda shot back, and the socs stopped laughing.

Ponyboy took a deep breath, holding it while looking like he wanted to crawl under the table. The look on his face tore at me. After everything he’d been forced to go through, it was a wonder he was sitting at this table. He didn’t deserve to be mocked. There was no way I was going to let it slide.

"Stupid greaser." I heard the blonde mutter under his breath, and I nodded to Soda.

"You two almost done? Why don’t you wait for me outside?" I suggested, and got a leery look from both of my brothers.

"Darry…" Soda started, knowing very well what I was capable of; what I was going to do, but I cut him off.

"Wait for me outside." I spoke under my breath. It was no longer a suggestion.

"Okay, Pony. Let’s go." Soda’s voice was both gentle and nervous as he slowly helped Ponyboy to his feet with his arm linked around his brother’s.

I kept my eyes down and fixed on the table, listening to my own heart beat as the sound thudded loudly in my ears. The table next to me cracked up laughing as they watched my youngest brother struggle to walk, and I wondered in my head what made certain people decide to be so cruel.

It was hard enough helping Ponyboy cope each day with everything that had happened to him, and now he was forced to endure the immature taunting of these morons that didn’t even know him. They had no idea what my brother had been through, and part of me wondered if they’d even care. I didn’t know the answer to that, but one thing was for certain; I’d had enough.

I kept my head down as their conversation changed to some party and about who got drunk and who got laid, and they didn’t even seem to notice that I was still there. They continued to talk and carry on, not noticing me as I slowly stood up from my chair. I turned towards the door and saw Sodapop as he hugged our brother. A look of dread was on his face as he shook his head slowly at me. I turned around, ignoring him and slowly eased my way beside the loud mouth soc that had been tormenting my baby brother.

They weren’t even paying attention, and by the time I was standing beside the asshole with the blonde hair, it was too late. They were unaware; not even stopping their conversation until my hand found a fistful of blonde hair from the back of the soc’s head, and his face quickly connected with the table in front of him. There was a loud crunch, and suddenly four chairs pushed away from the table in total surprise. I looked at each soc, and four sets of eyes looked back at me fearfully.

"Next time keep him on a leash, so I don’t have to be let off mine."

* * *

"Jesus Christ, Sodapop! If you’re gonna cheat, quit being obvious about it!" Steve hollered as the Three Stooges were in the kitchen playing a round of Texas Hold ‘em.

"Who’s bein’ oblivious?" Soda asked, and I shook my head while I rolled my eyes.

" _Obvious_ , dipshit!" Steve corrected, and Two-Bit howled. "The only time you ever wear your shoes is when we’re goin’ out or playin’ poker. You think I’m stupid?"

"Let’s find out. I call." I could hear the shit-eating grin in my brother’s voice as I tried unsuccessfully to concentrate on the football game playing on the television in front of me. Ponyboy was asleep on my right shoulder with his arms hugging my own.

It had been a pretty good afternoon despite losing my composure at The Freezing Cow. I don’t know if my actions had anything to do with it, but Ponyboy decided to take things like a champ, and shrug the harassment off his shoulders. Steve and Two-Bit were at the house waiting for us; pizzas in hand, ready and waiting to feed us supper. It went well with Ponyboy eating three slices, and in turn successfully easing my tension.

"Soda, you son of a whore!" Steve yelled as Two-Bit broke out into more laughter.

"Don’t call me any of your mother’s pet names!" Soda retorted, and the three of them broke out into a fit of laughter.

Pony startled, his head bobbing off my shoulder as his eyes opened and he looked around the living room in a fog. The general racket of a poker game turning into a game of fifty-two-pick-up ensued as they continued their chortling and taunting, and Pony relaxed as he looked at me with heavy eyes.

"It’s okay, Pony. You’re home. You ready for bed, little buddy? You look beat." I asked quietly as l reached over with my left hand and let my fingers drag through his hair.

Ponyboy’s forehead creased as he shook his head before it plopped back down onto my shoulder. I frowned a bit, knowing he was scared to be alone but too proud to tell me. I reached over to my side and grabbed the pillow, fluffing it as I placed it down on my lap. I patted it as I nudged my brother with the arm he was clutching onto.

"Pony, lay your head down. C’mon." I instructed as I patted the pillow again.

Pony rubbed his face lazily against my shoulder before easing his head down on my lap. He brought his legs up weakly, and stretched them out on the couch beside us, and it wasn’t long before he was sound asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.


	40. Forty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

"… _one…two…three…four…five…six…sev…"_

_A loud clap of thunder shook the house as well as my little brothers that laid beside me. I was fourteen, and it had been a hot summer with a lot of wild weather. Thunderstorms and tornadoes were a normal occurrence during these Tulsa summers, and they had my baby brothers fit to be tied. As usual, nights like these found them both huddled up against me in my room and in my bed; one on either side of me, counting on me to protect them from the raging storm._

_An eight-year-old Ponyboy, and an eleven-year-old Sodapop were each tucked under an arm of mine. Soda and I had a longer history of waiting out these violent outbursts of Mother Nature, and now it was more a ritual of sorts as well as nostalgia to lay awake and count the moments between lightning strikes and the thunder. But Ponyboy was still a baby, and lay trembling beneath my arm, curled up by my side. The lightning lit up my room through the sheer curtains our mom had hung over the window, and the counting continued._

"… _one…two…three…four…fi…" The thunder rolled._

" _Darry, it's getting closer!" Ponyboy cried as he clung onto me harder, tucking his face under my arm._

" _It's okay, Pony. It's just some old Indian tale. It ain't for real." Sodapop tried to act tough for his little brother, but the next shot that rang out across the sky practically landed him on top of me. I rolled my eyes and shoved him back over to his side of my bed._

" _It ain't no tale. Dad taught me and it's the truth, so shut up, will ya? The higher you can count to, the further away the storm is. Anyways, it don't matter. As long as I'm here, I won't let anything happen to you."_

" _You mean it, Darry?" Ponyboy's eyes were so big and so trusting._

" _I'm your big brother, ain't I? I'll always protect you no matter what. Anything tries to come at you it's gotta answer to me. Now hush up and let's keep counting."_

"…one…two…three…four…" I counted softly. It suddenly sounded like gunfire had shot through the house, and rang off the walls.

"Easy, Ponyboy. It'll be over soon." I spoke quietly, still remembering my promise to him all those years ago.

Ponyboy laid trembling next to me, the thunderstorm adding insult to injury as he'd already been awake an hour before the storm began, scared to death by his own memories. His face was tucked under my arm like all those years ago, and I shifted over wrapping my other arm around him. My hand stroked up and down his back softly until his body finally stopped its seizing, and I blinked back a tear as the next flash of lightning lit up the room.

"…one…two…three…four…five…six…"

* * *

"Darry." I felt my brother shaking me, but I was too tired to even open my eyes.

"DARRY!" Soda hollered as he gave me shove, and I rolled over and grabbed him by the t-shirt.

"What the hell do you want?" I mumbled as I loosened my hold on him, and shoved my head back in my pillow.

"Darry, you slept in. Mr. Garver's on the phone wanting to know where the hell you are. Didn't you hear the phone ringing?"

"Shit!" I untangled Ponyboy from me and bolted my way out of my room, heading for the living room with Soda in tow. My hand buried itself in my hair as the other grabbed the receiver, wondering how I was going to talk myself out of the trouble I was in.

"Mr. Garver? It's Darry. Listen sir, I'm so sorry…"

"Darry, is everything alright? Are you okay?"

"Yes sir, everything's fine. I must've slept through my alarm, sir. I'm so sorry." I hated to grovel, but I figured this was grounds for losing my job at the very least.

"Darry, it's fine. You're able to come in though, right? I need you out here. You're my best guy and the work is piling up today, son."

"Right away, sir. Again, I'm so sorry…" I apologized again, relieved he wasn't angry and I still had a job.

"Darry, I know. Just get your butt here."

"Yes sir. Alright." I sighed as I hung up the phone.

"What happened? You never sleep in." Soda shadowed me as I rushed to the bathroom to quickly clean up.

"What the hell do you think? While you were out all hours of the night galavanting with your friends, I was here keeping your brother from falling to pieces." I was blaming Sodapop, but he didn't deserve it.

As usual, the evening previous had me practically having to push him out the door to get him to leave for a night off, but now I was too tired and frustrated to be fair. I grumpily plastered my face with shaving cream and turned the taps on to warm the water.

"As if things weren't bad enough, that storm was ready to take the roof off this house. Then Pony had a seizure. So, you'll have to excuse me for breaking my perfect attendance record. I guess I didn't get enough sleep and I'm fuckin' exhausted."

"Was the seizure very bad?"

"Well, they ain't never been good, Sodapop. Give your head a shake."

"Darry," Sodapop looked at me hurt, but I didn't want to hear anything he had to say. I already knew that I was out of line, but it was too late, and I wasn't lying; I was tired. Of everything.

"You'll be okay with him today?" I asked, interrupting him.

Soda nodded, pulling a hand towel off the rack for me as I rinsed my face off in the sink. I took it from him and sighed, suddenly awash with guilt for how I treated him.

"I'm sorry." I said in a low voice as I patted my face dry with the towel he handed me.

Soda smiled softly and reached over, holding me behind my neck while he nodded. "I know."

"It's early. Why don't you go back and climb in bed next to him? You might catch a few winks before your brother wakes up again."

"Pony's gonna be alright, right Darry?"

He asked, wanting some sort of encouragement from me; some sort of bright light at the end of this dark tunnel we were all in, but the truth was, I didn't know. There was just too much haunting Ponyboy, and too much damage done to him, and he was broken and shutting down, and shutting us out; convinced we didn't love him anymore. I was no longer sure that our love was going to be strong enough to show him the way out of his nightmares and despair.

"We gotta birthday comin' up. Any ideas?" I changed the conversation away from the bad, onto something more hopeful while I squeezed some toothpaste onto my toothbrush, and started brushing. Our baby brother was turning fifteen in a few weeks.

"I dunno, but I'll think of somethin'" Soda spoke with confidence, and I knew he would.

Soda stood and watched me as I finished brushing my teeth. When I was done, I looked at him through the mirror before turning around.

"Take care of him, alright? I'll be home as soon as I can. You call me if he ain't doin' good, okay? It don’t matter...just call if you need me."

Soda nodded slowly as I approached him and ruffled my hand through his newly cropped hair. I headed for my room and quickly changed into my work clothes, and noticed how Ponyboy always rolled into my spot and hugged my pillow when I got out of bed.

I slowly sat down on the edge and watched him for a moment. He looked so peaceful, and the difference from hours previous was startling to me. I reached over and rested the palm of my hand on his head. I then stood up, leaning over him.

"You be good for your brother." My mom's voice echoed in my head as I spoke her words and kissed Ponyboy's temple, and brought the bed covers up to tuck him in.

I hurried my way to the door to shove my feet into my boots. As I grabbed for my tool belt, I felt Soda's hand on my shoulder.

"Don't forget your lunch." Soda grinned as he handed me my lunchbox. I grinned back.

"Get some sleep. We'll talk later, okay?"

Soda nodded. "Be careful, Darry. Don’t work too hard, okay?"

* * *

"Hey, Curtis! Nice of you to join us!" The razzing from my coworkers started the second I stepped out of the truck, but ended quickly as I tossed two piles of roofing over my shoulder like I'd just flung my jacket there, and climbed up the ladder.

"What's the matter, Murphy? Afraid you might actually have to work today?" I grinned as the guys laughed and groaned.

"What's up, Darry?" Murphy chuckled. "Everything alright? You had us a little worried with you not showin' up and all."

"Yeah, I'm good." I lied through my teeth while nodding. "Damn alarm."

"Well, let's get to work. We got Superman back in action. We should have this bitch done by lunchtime."

It was cool and cloudy; the wind the only reminder of the storm that hit the night before. I did what I could to keep focused on my work, but I kept thinking about Ponyboy and his birthday coming up, and had a hollow ache building that I couldn't seem to push aside.

We never had a lot growing up, but we'd had a good life until the passing of our parents. My dad was only forty when he died, and I swore I felt just as old when I thought back on the last couple of years. I was twenty-one living the life of a forty-year-old, and the thought made me cringe inside. How did I not see it before? It was because then, I always knew Ponyboy would make it out of Tulsa, and be happy living a life filled with opportunities. Now, I didn't even know if he'd make it out of the house in one piece or a thousand. He was completely broken.

I wondered about that upcoming birthday, and whether there was anything in this world that I could do or give him to make that day happy for him. I wasn't feeling confident, but hoped that Sodapop would have better luck in that department. As tough as the last while had been, I still felt cause to celebrate. We could've easily had our brother taken from us, but he was still alive and breathing.

I was sitting on the tailgate of the truck during a late break, eating the lunch my brother had made for me, and felt that hollow ache start up again. It wasn't my ulcer, it was the kind of ache that eats away at your heart and your mind when you realize your life is falling apart and you're not sure if there's anything you can do but stand back and hope you don't drown in all of the pieces.

"Darry?"

I looked up to find Mr. Garver standing in front of me, looking at me worriedly. I swallowed the mouthful of sandwich I'd been chewing, and took a drink from my thermos while he put his hand on my shoulder.

"Darry, I've been calling you to the office. Didn't you hear me?"

"No, sorry sir. Is something wrong?"

"Well, I hope not. You've had a few phone calls."

"My brother?" I asked, suddenly concerned. I'd told Sodapop to call me if there was trouble with Ponyboy.

"Yeah, he's waiting on the line now. Don't know who called before. Didn't leave a name or a message. I need to get the PA looked at. Ain't nobody hearing anything." Mr. Garver explained while I nervously hopped of the back of the truck and followed him into the trailer that was used as his office.

I watched as he took a step up on the milk crate that was being used as a stair, and he went inside the small trailer, leaving the door open for me to follow. I shut the door behind me, and turned to find Mr. Garver holding the phone out for me. I took it almost apologetically, hoping he wasn't thinking I was taking advantage of his kindness. I felt like I'd more than pressed my luck with him today.

"Soda? What's goin' on? Everything okay over there?" I spoke before I heard the beeping on the other end, and wondered why Sodapop would hang up and not wait for me to come to the phone.

I pulled the receiver down and stared at it before looking to Mr. Garver and shrugging. He chuckled lightly, having met Sodapop on occasion, and probably assumed Soda was too antsy to wait for me to answer his call. He pushed the phone towards me.

I dialled home and listened as it rang and rang. My first thought was to panic, but then wondered if Sodapop called to ask or let me know he was taking Ponyboy out. I hung up the phone, and nodded thanks to my boss.

"Alright?" He checked with me.

"Yeah, sorry 'bout that." I answered as I opened the door to head back to my lunch.

"Don't worry about it, Darry. Make sure you take your full break. Quit short changing yourself."

"The earlier we finish, the earlier we get to go home." I grinned, and had Mr. Garver laughing.

"True, but I'd prefer it if you got to eat your lunch at the very least. You know, Darry I meant what I said. You're the best guy I’ve got out there. If you need off early to get home…"

"No, sir. I was just jokin'"

"Alright, then. Everything okay? How's your little brother? He been well since coming home?"

"Yeah, everything's good." I lied for the second time that day, realizing that old habits were hard to get rid of. My history with the State had me covering my ass at all times making everyone think I had everything under control. I was finding myself still doing it now that they weren't an issue.

"Better get back to lunch." I thumbed towards the truck, and Mr. Garver nodded.

The sky was just starting to get dark when the guys started cleaning up for the day. I stayed back to finish up the handful or more of roofing while the other guys started heading home. It wasn't that long after that I was making my way down the ladder with my tool belt slung over my shoulder, and walking towards the truck.

"Darry, I think your brother's trying to call again." Mr. Garver's voice behind startled me enough to make me jump a bit.

"What the hell does that kid want now?" I muttered under my breath. Soda never made a point to call unless it was important, and so far, he'd done nothing but make a nuisance of himself.

"Listen, Darry. I need to split. Would you lock the trailer up for me after you're done?"

"Yeah, no problem. I sure am sorry about this, boss. I dunno what's gotten into him today." I apologized.

Mr. Garver just chuckled and waved me off with his hand. "Stop apologizing, Darry. It ain't easy havin' kids. Just lock up when you're done."

_Great, I_ _ **am**_ _fuckin' forty._  I watched as Mr. Garver headed over to his truck and got in.

When he pulled out of the site I jogged over to the trailer, let myself in and headed over to the phone. I was about ready to blast Sodapop for calling again. He knew that I'd be on my way home, or very close to it. That with the pile of dropped calls earlier made it pointless to call yet again.

"Soda, what the hell is goin' on?" I asked annoyed as I waited for his explanation for yet another call, ready to spit nails if he hung up on me again.

There was no answer, but I could tell that the line wasn't off the hook. There was no dial tone or beeping to alert me otherwise. I could hear the occasional breath; not quick or heavy, but just an occasional sound of someone breathing on the other end, and I scratched my head. Nothing was making sense.

"Soda!" I hollered as I could hear the sound of a car squealing and kicking up dust in the lot outside while I listened to the breathing on the other end.

"Darry…" I heard a weak voice on the other end, and then nothing.

"Soda?" I waited for him to answer me, but the answer never came. "Sodapop?" I tried again unsuccessfully. There was no answer, but he hadn't hung up the phone. There was only silence.

"Curtis!" I could hear someone outside call for me. Assuming it was one of the guys I worked with I ignored it, waiting for some sign of my brother on the phone.

"Soda, answer me. What's going on?" I tried a last time before the voice outside brought back that ache that was living inside of me when the day began.

"Darry! Where the fuck you at? Darry!"

I reluctantly put the receiver down on Mr. Garver's desk and headed for the door to the trailer. I opened it slowly and peered out, only to find a red Ford Thunderbird. The aching increased as my heart gave an unforgiving thud. The Ford belonged to Tim Shepard.

I slowly locked the knob to the door, forgetting about my brother on the phone, and shut it behind me as I stepped down on the crate and looked around. Tim was circling my truck, sniffing around and looking for me. When our eyes met, I wasn't exactly sure what was about to happen, but my gut was telling me it was going to be bad.

"Fuck, man! I been tryin' to get a hold of you for hours! What the fuck?" Tim yelled at me as he approached me in a tantrum, kicking dirt and sand as he rushed over. I couldn't think of a damned thing to say as he halted in front of me and watched as I stepped off the milk crate. I held my breath, waiting for him to say something to me.

"One of my boys scouted that fat fuck you're looking for. He's been circlin' your house all day, Darry. I tried to call earlier but…"

I stopped listening to him as I took off for the truck with only two things on my mind—Sodapop and Ponyboy. They were all I could think about while piecing together the two bizarre phone calls I'd received from Soda. He was no doubt trying to call for help. I could tell that Tim was following me, but all I could think of was that my brothers were in danger, and I wasn't there to protect them.

"DARRY!" Tim swung me around by my shoulder as he yelled my name.

"My brothers," was all I needed to say for Shepard to understand. He nodded as he backpedaled and headed for his car, while I leaped into my truck and peeled out of the parking lot so I could get home.

The house was dark when I slammed the truck into the driveway; barely remembering to shift it into park before jumping out and running for the front door. As I entered, I could hear the engine of Tim's T-Bird, and then voices yelling outside while I tried to adjust my vision in the house with no lights on. I could hear the phone alarming; screaming to be placed back onto the cradle, and a real shiver crawled up my spine.

"Soda?" My voice was cautious as I edged my way into the living room and found my way to the lamp beside the recliner. The room lit up when I turned it on.

I moved towards the sound of the telephone, and my stomach lurched when I saw Sodapop laying face down beside the table, the telephone bloodied and laying by his head. I held my breath while I stood still, trying to gauge any rise and fall of his chest before making any move at going to him. I had to be sure he was alive before approaching. I knew that if he wasn't, I wouldn't be able to take it.

I saw that his chest was indeed moving, and I finally took a breath and rushed over. With the utmost care, I gently turned him over and cradled his head in my lap. There was blood covering the right side of his face from a wide gash to his forehead at the hairline, and I couldn't help but think back on the day I'd found Ponyboy with the right side of his head smashed in.

"Soda," I called his name softly as I gently pushed his hair back with my finger tips, taking care not to touch the wound on his head.

"Pony." His voice was barely a whisper as he called our brother's name, and just when I thought I couldn't be more devastated, he proved me wrong.

"Sodapop, where's Pony?" I shook Soda gently, and his eyelids allowed me to see a sliver of his very unfocussed eyes. The yelling outside continued and was adding to the unease that was building in my gut.

"Darry?" Soda suddenly seemed to notice that I was there. He brought his hand up weakly to touch his head, but I caught it and held it in mine before he could.

"Soda, what the hell happened?"

"I don't know." He tried to shake his head, but then winced from the effort it took. "Where am I, Darry?"

"Sodapop, you're home. You were tryin' to call me today, little buddy. Don't you remember?"

Soda's eyes opened fully, and the look of panic that took over his features told me all I needed to know. Soda looked at me desperately as he started to hyperventilate, and I held his face firmly with my other hand.

"Pony," Soda cried, and I nodded at him.

"Where is he, Soda? Where's Ponyboy?"

"He was in the tub." Soda started to sob, and I eased my way from beneath him and ran for the bathroom. I knew in my heart he wouldn't be there, but I wasn't expecting the blood that was smeared on the side of the bathtub and floor beneath. I suddenly felt like I was suffocating.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOIN' ON?" I could hear Steve from the living room as I tried to breathe.

I slowly made my way back to Sodapop in the living room. Steve was there and had managed to get him upright; his arm around his waist trying to steady him on wobbly feet. Sodapop looked at me with pleading eyes, and I couldn't hold his gaze. I walked to him slowly feeling my eyes well up, and realized I couldn't hold it in when I heard him cry.

"He's got him, Darry. Oh, my God!" Soda's knees buckled, and he fell into me despite Steve trying to hold on.

I held my brother tightly to me, crying into his hair as he cried into my shoulder. I held him tightly, listening to the agonizing cries for his brother knowing he wouldn't be able to do this again. I started to seethe. We were not going to do this again.

"We got him!" Tim burst in and I eased my hold on my brother while I turned my head to look at Tim, making sure I'd heard him right.

"A couple boys from the Brumly outfit spotted him not far from here. We gotta go, Darry. We got the son-of-a-bitch. Let's go!"

"Darry, bring Pony home. Please." Sodapop cried, and I looked at Steve.

”Whatever happens...” I directed, knowing Steve would take care of his best friend if I didn’t make it back for whatever reason.

Steve nodded knowingly while he held onto my sobbing brother.

I let my hand trace the left side of Sodapop's face before I kissed him on the side of his head. I looked at him a long while, not knowing if I was going to see him again after this night. I had no real plan in place even though I'd been praying for the chance to get even with Campbell since the moment I'd found Ponyboy laying lifeless in that house of nightmares. I had no real idea for what laid ahead this night, but one thing was for certain:

More blood would be shed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.


	41. Forty-one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

" _Alright guys, listen. It’s second down and we’re up by three, but that could change in a hurry if you don’t pay attention. Keep on your man." I instructed quietly as Pony, Johnny, Two-Bit and myself watched Soda, Steve, and Dally huddle up to discuss their offensive play._

_I watched carefully as my cocky brother-turned-quarterback shared his plan with the players on his team, then looked up and proceeded to give me a smug look. I nodded back to him with a grin while I raised my hand and flipped him the bird. Sodapop’s head snapped back as he laughed, and I turned around and eyed Ponyboy._

" _C’mere," I said needlessly as I gently grabbed the collar of his t-shirt and pulled him closer towards me. Johnny and Two-Bit were on alert. "I’m gonna get you through. You put that brother of yours on his ass, you hear me? Whatever it takes."_

_Pony’s grin couldn’t be suppressed, and he looked down to the ground to try and focus while I looked back to my other two players._

" _I’ll take Steve. You guys keep Dally out of the center. Let Pony sack the shit out of Sodapop."_

_Two-Bit roared out, slapping Johnny on the back so hard, he almost toppled over. I nodded to Ponyboy slowly as he took his place left and center to my side. Two-Bit and Johnny settled on Pony’s other side and we watched as our competitors lined up across from us. Steve lined up against me, with Sodapop beside and center, and Dally against both Two-Bit and Johnny._

_Sodapop eyed me, knowing I was ready for whatever he was going to play, but as usual it was as though he could read my mind and knew I had something special planned for him. He slowly looked at Ponyboy, who with every effort was trying to avoid Sodapop’s stare, knowing he couldn’t hide anything from his hero._

" _What the fuck are we doing, man? Let’s get this over with. Call the play." Dally grinned as he blew the smoke from his cigarette out his nose before gesturing a kiss towards Two-Bit and Johnny._

" _What’s your play, Mr. Universe?" I cocked an eyebrow at my middle brother, and grinned as he stuck his tongue out at me._

" _Okay! Roses are red. Cherries are too. If you get yours popped, your mom will kill you! Hut!"_

_”For cripes sakes, that ain’t no call!”_

_I rolled my eyes at my brother’s stupid call while Two-Bit stumbled backwards, tripping on his own two feet and landing on his ass in laughter. That left Johnny alone to cover Dally, who effortlessly shoved Johnny out of the way, and made a run for the end zone. I easily blocked Steve who tried defending Soda’s position. I wrangled him in, flipping him sideways over my hip while I took a look at Ponyboy who’s ears were still beet red from Sodapop’s colourful poem._

" _Ponyboy!" I shouted, breaking Pony out of whatever thoughts had him distracted._

_I could see Steve scramble and try to get back to his feet, and I took a step backwards and parked my ass on his back while my eyes were focused on my two brothers. Ponyboy’s eyes were glued on Soda, and he kept his body square with his brother’s. Soda took a few steps backwards, gauging what moves he had left. With Steve underneath my ass and out of commission, his eyes shot to Dally who was still free._

" _Pony, get him!" Johnny shouted, but my brother had already lunged for Sodapop._

_Soda looked at his little brother, half impressed and half in shock as he realized what our play was. He made to turn around and run to put some distance between himself and his little brother, but Ponyboy jumped out and grabbed on to what he could to stop his brother._

" _Get him, Ponyboy!" Two-Bit whooped with glee as my baby brother grabbed on to the waistband of Soda’s jeans and didn’t let go._

_We watched on as Soda tried, but failed to get away from his little brother. By the time he spotted Dally free and ready for the pass, Soda had to keep one hand on the ball while the other held onto the waistband of his underwear to keep them from meeting the same fate as his jeans. Soda was suddenly laughing too hard to even care; the game forgotten. We were all roaring, even Dallas Winston, when Soda hit the ground with the ball tucked under one arm and his jeans around his knees with Ponyboy holding on for dear life._

" _I’m down, Pony! I’m down! Quit pulling!" Soda laughed, letting go of the ball and rolling over onto his back. Pony let go and jumped up._

" _Sorry, Sodapop." Pony grinned as he held a hand out for his brother to help him stand._

_Soda smiled up at Pony, beaming with pride that his little brother took him down. Soda reached up to take Pony’s hand, and as predictable as the sun setting, Soda pulled his brother down, ending up in the two of them rolling around the ground giggling and wrestling._

" _Alright, we’ll take this one." I announced as I used Steve’s head as a support to lift myself off him. I heard him mutter and cuss at me, but I ignored him. "Soda, pull up your pants. Pony?"_

_I watched as Ponyboy pushed up and sat beside his brother while Soda fixed his jeans. Ponyboy looked up at me, waiting for my approval._

" _Good job, kid!" I grinned at him and gave him a wink and knew it was the reason his face lit up in a smile._

* * *

 

"I swear to God, that Jason’s so stupid he’d starve to death if he wound up locked up in a grocery store." Tim Shepard’s rant brought me back from the memory of my beautiful brothers, as he continued behind the wheel of my truck, racing down the street.

"Goddam, I need this like I need a rubber asshole! I gave him specific instructions to keep an eye on your place and NOT LEAVE! I’m sorry, Curtis. I hope that hit to the head I gave him knocked some sense into him, but you know how these guys are. I can’t fuckin’ believe this."

I stared down at my hands and watched as they shook out of control. I was barely listening. I didn’t give two shits what he was talking about. I had one little brother at home with his head busted wide open and scared to death, and another little brother God knows where, with an animal that had already shown what he was capable of. I wanted to convince myself that I didn’t know what Campbell wanted with Ponyboy, but I knew, and it made me want to vomit. Ponyboy was nothing but a toy to him; something to torture and play with. I prayed to the night that we weren’t too late.

"We get your brother back, and I’ll be bustin’ balls, lemme tell ya. This shit ain’t gonna fly." Tim continued to ramble and in a moment, it dawned on me that it was because he was nervous. It then hit me like a ton of lead. If Tim Shepard was nervous, my brother didn’t have a hope in hell.

Visions of my nightmares suddenly flashed through my head, as well as memories of that day I’d found Ponyboy half dead in that room of sex, where the smell and stains on the floor told the story of what my brother had to go through. My imagination raced as frantic as my heartbeat; the look of Campbell’s face as he tore into my brother; breeding him like he were some kind of whore, and shattering any innocence and purity left in him. My breath began to come out in gasps, and I needed something to hold on to. I needed something to steady me.

I opened the glove box in front of me, and reached inside to grab for the lambskin cloth. I slowly unraveled it and stared hard at the hunting knife that Eric had given me weeks previous. Before now, I didn’t want to look at it, or think about what it meant, but I wanted to be prepared and stay on guard. It found it’s way into my truck where it stayed ready for this moment, and now I was ready as well.

"Nice." Tim commented appreciatively and gave a low whistle.

I clutched the bone handle, and stared blankly out the window while Tim took a corner and slammed the truck into park. I had no idea or thought as to where we were. I didn’t even have the feeling like I cared as I opened the door and hopped out. I tucked the knife into my back pocket, and walked around the truck.

There were more than a dozen guys from both Tim Shepard’s gang and a few that I recognized from the Brumly outfit. Everyone seemed to swarm into a sea of faces, and I’d suddenly felt alone. It seemed odd; I couldn’t remember a time when this many boys had even showed up for a rumble, and here they all were for my brother. It wasn’t proper of me, but I didn’t wait to make nice. I sized up the building, and realized it was a machine shop not far from the job site I’d been working at.

"Check the back!" Tim snapped his fingers, and four of his guys ran down the side towards the back of the building.

Everyone was standing still, even Tim Shepard and his little brother Curly were there waiting for word. Knowing everything that I’d have to lose, I was not so patient, and made my way to the door. I thought back to what Beth had said to me—that my brothers were the loves of my life, and my heart thudded unforgivingly. With Ponyboy’s life on the line, I knew that I had everything to lose. As if reading my mind, one of the guys stepped up and stood beside me. When I looked over, my chest tightened as I realized it was none other than Two-Bit Mathews, wielding a two-by-four. I _wasn’t_ alone. I took a step back as the panes of the glass entrance blew apart after he made one strike. I didn’t wait as Two-Bit tried to clear the shards of sharp glass. I needed to find my brother.

"Hang on, kid! We’re comin’" Two-Bit spoke in desperation.

It was every man for himself while I slipped through the jagged glass unscathed. I felt along the wall for a light switch, hearing the curses of those who got caught and cut up in what used to be a door. I found and the switch and pressed it upwards when my fingers made contact. I suddenly felt like I couldn’t turn around. I’d been there before, and I knew how this was all going to go down.

The lobby was spacious, with a desk and a handful of chairs here and there but it was the two closed doors that got my attention. I wondered crazily if one would lead me to heaven, and the other would lead me to hell, as muffled sounds of shouting and chaos started from further inside the building. I stared at the door that I knew lead to the machine shop. It was thick and made of metal, and I watched as all but Two-Bit and Tim burst through and followed the sounds of feet pounding concrete, and voices hollering. Then I stared at the other door.

"Darry?" Two-Bit questioned me, waiting for my next move.

The hollow ache I’d felt earlier that day returned like a parasite and hovered in my chest and gut. I knew from that feeling that we were too late, even before I opened that door and found my brother’s lifeless body tied up and naked on top of the office desk. I stared, not wanting to believe it was real. My hands flexed at my sides and then tightened into fists. I felt the pinch as my nails bit through the skin on my palms as I stayed fixated, desperately wanting to see Pony breathe. The blue around his mouth told me everything I needed to know. He was gone.

"Jesus fucking Christ." Tim covered his mouth, and then quickly spun out of the private office and headed towards the back and into the shop where his own little brother was.

"Oh, God no!" Two-Bit fell against the wall and slid down, unable to control his grief. I could hear his sobbing as he sat with his head in his hands and I felt my world spin.

A cold numbness wrapped around me as I moved my hands up, and slowly undid the buttons to my work shirt while staring at my brother’s body. He looked angelic, even amongst the bruising and blood on his face and body, and I looked on him with sadness and longing.

It wasn’t supposed to end this way. I was his big brother. I was going to exact my revenge on Martin Campbell in the name of my brother, and he’d go on and live a good life knowing that he’d never have to worry about being hurt like that ever again. I noticed the bruised swelling around open areas on the knuckles of Ponyboy’s right hand and the blood beneath his fingernails, and I couldn’t help but feel pride. It was evidence that Ponyboy had fought with everything he had. It just wasn’t enough this time.

I let out a deep breath, and pulled the knife out from my back pocket, slowly walking towards my youngest, and bravest brother. I cut through the rope that was tied too tightly around Pony’s wrists and ankles. After returning the knife to my back pocket, I then slowly took my shirt off leaving the undershirt on that I had beneath. My hands shook as I covered my brother’s naked body with my old work shirt, and wondered how I was going to tell Sodapop that his little brother was dead.

"WE GOT HIM!"

I heard the shout of victory and I slowly backed out of the room, still gazing at my brother’s pale face. I realized then that I couldn’t even mourn. I was numb; feeling a certain detachment. I still had another little brother waiting for me at home, and I’d promised him that I’d bring Pony home. Sodapop was not going to survive this. I knew it and felt it ache in my bones. I’d lose both of my brothers this night, and that hollow ache suddenly felt like a ton of bricks as my heart turned to stone.

"Keep watch over him, Keith. Don’t let anyone touch him."

Two-Bit acknowledged me as much as he could in his shock and in his grief. His head bobbed slightly as he stared down at his hands, bawling at the loss of another friend—my baby brother. I slowly backed out of the office; my eyes taking in one last look at my brother’s corpse. My grief melted; finding itself morphing into something dark and undeniably powerful as I headed for the back of the building to meet up with Tim Shepard and the others. I had nothing left to lose.

I knew that I’d have to take Ponyboy back home to Sodapop so that he could say goodbye, but there was one other thing that I needed to do first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.


	42. Forty-two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

Tim's guys were taking turns at him when I found my way to where they all were. It seemed so strange to me that Campbell would look just like any other ordinary man you'd pass on the street. Normal and unassuming, with no visible characteristics that would warn you of just what he was capable of. Tim, Curly, and a couple of guys from the Brumly gang were holding on to him as I made my approach. Campbell caught sight of me, and straightened his stance. He looked me over slowly, his own face bloodied and bruised, and I couldn’t help but wonder if any of the scratches and bruises were from Pony.

"You're him, ain'tcha?" He asked with a sneer. "You're his big brother Darry, right?"

I said nothing, I just stared at him; my face stone. He chuckled as he spat blood onto the floor in front of me. He gave me that sneer again; so proud of the pain he'd caused Pony and proud of how sick and twisted he was. So happy with himself that he destroyed my family; I knew that he was only trying to egg me on but there was nothing left to challenge me with. The family that I once had and knew was gone and there was nothing left for me. I realized that this was nothing but a game to Martin Campbell but I wasn't playing.

"Yeah, he mentioned you lots. Your little brother was such a sweet boy, and he sure knew how to make a man happy."

I could feel the blood in my veins as it chilled, and I had to remind myself that Ponyboy was at peace, and in a place where he was safe. Mom and dad, Johnny and even Dallas would be there to welcome him, and Ponyboy wouldn't have to suffer anymore.

I wanted so bad to bash Campbell's face in and watch him bleed, but Tim stepped in before I could even think to move. His fist shot up, cracking cartilage and bone in the face of my brother's abuser. Campbell shouted out in pain and surprise, but when he looked at me it was with that same demented smirk. My breaths remained deep and calm, reminding me of the task I had to finish.

”He cried for you.” His voice interrupted my focus.

”What’d you say to me?” My heart stopped as I finally broke my silence.

"Your baby brother cried for you every time I fucked him, and that was an awful lot. He cried your name like a sweet little baby, but I took care of him. I took _real_ good care of him. I'm sure gonna miss that boy. I just wanted you to know that."

"Fucking animal! Let's waste this motherfucker!" Curly was almost in tears, and Tim looked like he was ready to either kill Martin Campbell himself, or throw up in a corner somewhere.

Voices cursed; shouting and threatening out around me, but I fell deaf to them all. The only sounds I heard were those deep, calming breaths my lungs controlled, and the pounding of my heart as it slammed against my chest. There was nothing left in life for me now. Campbell had terrorized my brother and killed him. He’d broken Pony down; a monster Pony could never escape from. It was too late for my brother, but the time had just begun for Martin Campbell. It was his turn to find out what  _real_ monsters were made of.

I looked over to Tim, and then looked back at Campbell who was still being held down by both Shepard's and a couple boys from the Brumly outfit. I stared hard at the man that was paid by the State to look after my brother, and could picture the ecstasy on his face as he thrust into Ponyboy over and over again—tearing his body and his soul apart.

"Yes sir. I sure will miss that sweet little brother of yours." Martin Campbell winked at me.

"Get his pants down," I commanded in a voice I didn’t even recognize as my own.

The room fell silent and all eyes seemed to focus on me with looks of confusion, but in true form the Shepard's didn't question, they just did as they were told. Another member of Shepard's gang was flagged over to take Curly's spot; helping to hold down the maggot responsible for all Ponyboy's nightmares. Curly undid Campbell’s belt, and unceremoniously tore down his trousers without worrying about the button or the zipper. His underwear came down next, and I moved closer so that I was toe-to-toe with the man that stole my brother's life.

"What’s this? You want a turn? You're just a little too old for my tastes, no offence. But I do see where your brother got his good looks from." He grinned that sick twisted grin, and I reached in my back pocket. His grin faded quickly as I pulled out the gift Eric had given me.

I held onto the knife firmly, while I gently rubbed my thumb against it's edge. I turned it over, examining it carefully and respectfully as I thought about the man that had given it to me, and the nightmares that he had to live through on his own. I knew his spirit was with me, as he said it would be.

I inspected the opposite serrated edge with my finger, and wondered to myself which side would inflict the most pain. _My_ inner monster reared it’s head, and the muscles in my face pulled up without any control.

"Yeah," I felt the grin that made its way to my face as I spoke to no one in particular.

There’s a certain freedom that happens when you don’t have anything left to live for. Months and months of watching my brother suffer the aftermath of what had been done to him had finally taken its toll. Our whole family had suffered and I'd been walking the tightrope for way too long. Now I was leaning way over the edge. I heard Campbell swallow nervously as I continued inspecting Eric’s hunting knife, and I let myself feel a twinge of sick pleasure.

"Yeah,” I repeated, this time for Martin Campbell. “Big brother wants a turn now, but I want you to know something. You’re not going to enjoy one second of this. You should know, I ain't as sweet as my little brother was, and you’re about to regret ever fucking with him. I’m gonna make you hurt. I’m gonna make you bleed, and believe you-me, you’re gonna suffer.”

His eyes widened when he seemed to realize what I had planned for him. He became desperate; struggling with everything he had to break free and get away. It would be for nothing of course; Tim’s boys and the boys from Brumly were tough and I was more than pleased to have them as my backup.

He may have cried for mercy, he may have whimpered in fear, but I could only hear the cries of my baby brother. In my head, I could see the various photographs the fuzz had shown me; pictures of a 14-year-old child being tortured; tied up, molested, raped and beaten within an inch of his life. Forced to do the most unspeakable acts, I could see the look of fear, shame, and defeat on my brother's face. And tonight I saw the face of the man that took pleasure from all of it.

I thought about that room where I'd found Pony; the pungent smell of sex and shit and urine covering my brother's desecrated body still strong in my nostrils. I could remember how I’d felt finding Pony in that condition; a feeling of being so completely broken and destroyed that I didn't even know who I was anymore. The feeling didn't cease until Ponyboy beat the odds and made it out alive; awake and calling my name. But now he was gone.

The knife felt cold in my grasp, but my hand was completely steady as I pulled hard on Campbell's sex and let the blade rip through. I barely felt a thing, even as he bucked and struggled against Tim Shepard and his brood. The blood on my hands was thick and warm and plenty, and as his screams echoed out into that machine shop, I still only heard the screams of Ponyboy; begging for me and Sodapop to come save him. My brother screamed until he couldn't scream anymore—until there was nothing left.

When the deed was done, I stepped back holding up my weapon in one hand, and the weapon Campbell had used on my brother repeatedly in the other. With my elbows bent, I felt the sick warmth as his blood ran up to cover my arm. Tim and the boys let go of Campbell, letting him slump to the floor in agony, and then Tim approached me carefully.

"Darry," he spoke to me like you'd talk a bear down from attacking. "Good job, brother. Good job."

I looked from him, to Campbell, and back to Tim again, and suddenly felt a tear escape and fall from my eye. I dropped Campbell's appendage to the floor, and then the knife. I could feel the blood drip from my fingertips. Everyone was staring; silent and speechless amongst my quiet rage. I still had more for Campbell to experience. I wasn’t anywhere near finished with him.

"What do you want us to do?" Tim asked calmly.

"How about a game of ball?" I said, empty and void of all feeling.

"Darry," Tim started to say something when Curly spoke up.

"Nobody brought a bat. Will this do?" He cocked his eyebrow and grinned at me as he tossed me a lead pipe. I looked down at the heavy tube of metal in my bloody hands after I caught it. I nodded.

Campbell didn't notice me approaching. My steps were calculated and slow. He was kneeling in front of me; too busy holding himself where he used to be a man while he continued to cry and scream. I felt the weight of the pipe in my hand, and noticed the sticky feeling of my palms against it as Campbell's blood started to dry. It flipped as I tossed it up; catching it by the opposite end before placing my other hand on it ready to be the first player up to bat. I raised the pipe to strike, just like he’d raised a baseball bat and took his shot at my brother; crushing his skull. I could hear the sound of  bone cracking in my head as I took a deep breath and made my move. I moved to swing, and swing hard.

"Darry!"

A voice shot out in the shop and suddenly Tim was grabbing me from behind, immobilizing my arms. Stunned and confused, I pushed backwards trying to get out of his hold, but Tim Shepard was no slouch. He'd beat guys twice my size, and there wasn't a beating anyone could dish out to him that he hadn't already had before. I struggled, cursing at him for trying to stop me. I fought, and almost broke free of his grasp, but his grip around me became even stronger, and I had no idea how that was even possible.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" I screeched, outraged that he'd try to take this moment from me. I was livid, and decided then to take it out on Shepard as soon as I was done with Campbell.

"NO, CURTIS! DON'T DO IT! TAKE A LOOK!" Tim yelled back, strangling my arms so tightly that I had no choice but to drop the pipe. "DON'T DO IT, MAN! LOOK!"

"LET ME GO!" I hollered as I slammed the both of us backwards into the brick wall of the shop, but Tim Shepard didn't budge.

"WOULD YOU TAKE A FUCKIN' LOOK, YOU STUBBORN FUCK! LOOK MAN! LOOK!"

"Darry!"

I heard the desperate cry of Two-Bit, and looked over. He stared at me; his eyes pleading with me, as he held Ponyboy in his arms. I looked at Two-Bit in a frenzy, not understanding what was happening. My rage decided to include him for disturbing my brother. In my crazed state of mind, he had no right to move my brother’s remains, especially anywhere near Martin Campbell.

"Darry, he's breathing! He's breathing!" Two-Bit cried and I couldn’t seem to make heads or tails of what he was saying. It felt like I was imagining things.

"What?" My body relaxed and I stopped struggling against Tim Shepard, as my mind swam in total confusion.

Two-Bit looked down at my brother, and then looked back at me with a crazy grin. It was then I heard the gentle whooping noise that I'd become so fond of. Those little squeaks my brother had been making for months had comforted me with the knowledge that he was alive every night since me and Soda brought him home from the hospital. Now they were comforting me once more.

"You've still got a family, Darry. Think of them. You _don't_ wanna do this. You _don't_ wanna be like me or Dally. You're better than us. You do this, and you'll never be able to turn back, and I _won't_ let that happen." Tim spoke quietly to me as I stared at Two-Bit holding Pony.

A weak cough came from my brother, and the world disappeared including Martin Campbell as I shoved Shepard away so that I could rush over to Two-Bit. Two-Bit let out a nervous laugh as I snatched my brother greedily from his arms, and eased us down to the hard cement floor. He still looked peaceful; even more angelic now with the slight pink tone that had returned to his face. His body was cold but alive; swimming in the shirt that I'd wrapped him in. He moved his right hand weakly to clutch at it, and his body started a subtle trembling. I held him tightly to me, offering him the heat from my body.

"I…I don't understand…" I looked desperately at Two-Bit for some kind of explanation, but he just shook his head at me.

"You left. I was sittin' there wondering what the fuck we were gonna do. When I stopped my bawlin' I could hear him and that crazy noise he makes. I dunno, Darry." Two-Bit shrugged, as if he weren't believing his own story. "We gotta get him outta here."

Two-Bit reached over to me and squeezed my shoulder hard, and yet I still had difficulty believing any of this was real. I was still reeling with the fact that my brother was gone for good, and now it seemed as though I was given yet another chance; my brother brought back by some miracle once again. I wasn't even aware that I was still breathing until my chest took in a shuddering gasp, and my eyes betrayed me; releasing all of my emotions at once.

"Darry, it's gonna be okay." Two-Bit rubbed my shoulder where he'd been squeezing. "Easy, man. Pony's okay. He’s gonna be okay."

I couldn't form words; I had no control. In front of God, a room full of delinquent greasers, and a man I swore was the Devil himself, I curled my brother into me, broke down and cried. I held on to him; tight enough to leave bruises, but it didn’t matter right then. The only thing that mattered was the fact that he was still alive. My family was intact.

I slowly lifted my head and noticed as Tim Shepard walked cautiously towards us, his face a mixture of fear and curiosity. He slowly knelt down and I felt another solid hand on my shoulder.

"I got this, Darry. You two get him home, or to a hospital, or wherever the fuck you need. But you guys need to split now and let us clean this shit up."

”Tim,” I didn’t know what I wanted to say, but whatever it was he already seemed to know.

”I got this.” His eyes bore into me.

I nodded my understanding and watched Tim hand the keys to the truck over to Two-Bit. I took a slow, deep breath, and wrestled for some semblance of control while I wiped my tears away impatiently on my upper arm. My brother was still cold and trembling and I both wanted and needed to get him as far away physically as I could from Martin Campbell and the endless path of damage that he’d created.

I'd never really know what happened to Campbell after that, and I'd never ask, but there were more screams as Two-Bit and I rushed Ponyboy out through the back door Shepard's guys had kicked through earlier. We headed back up the side of the building towards the truck when a gunshot rang out. We didn't look back.

Two-Bit opened the passenger door, and I tucked both myself and Ponyboy in the truck before Two-Bit closed it after us. It was the last day of June and I sat shivering in that truck like it were winter, holding onto my brother for dear life. Two-Bit jumped in the driver's side, firing up the engine before turning to look at us. His features spoke of worry as he reached over to the dash and turned up the heat.

"You two are shakin' like jello." He said worriedly. I didn't have the breath to tell him that we were in shock.

I gazed down in complete awe at my youngest brother. Once again I was amazed at just how strong Ponyboy was, and what he had the capacity to survive. I wondered absently if he were a real life superhero; just like in the comics. I’d been known for years by the nickname _Superman,_ but my strength couldn’t touch Pony’s.

"Should we take him to the hospital?" Two-Bit asked as his eyes scanned over my brother, wincing. I nodded, still unable to speak as Two-Bit tore out of the parking lot, heading towards the hospital.

I startled when I felt Pony move; his face slowly pressing and rubbing against my shoulder.

"I wanna go home." Ponyboy's voice was but a breath that rasped out of his chest.

"Ponyboy?" I looked down at him, amazed and awed to hear him be able to say anything.

"I wanna go home, Darry." Pony's eyes opened a sliver before squeezing closed. "Soda!" Pony wailed silently and his body began to shake out of control.

"Shhhh. Baby, it's okay. It's all over now. That son-of-a-bitch is gone for good." I tried to soothe my brother, but he was too worked up.

"Sodapop!" Ponyboy continued to sob for his brother as he shook in my arms, and I felt a sudden twist in my gut.

"He's home waiting for us, Pony." I didn't know why I felt the need to explain, but as Ponyboy frantically shook his head, I'd realized that I made the right decision.

"He…he's dead!" Pony hiccupped, barely able to lift his head to look at me. I was shocked.

" _Dead_? Pony, Sodapop's fine." Two-Bit piped up, as confused as I was.

"His head…he hit him…and…and the blood everywhere. He said he killed him!" Ponyboy was just short of becoming hysterical, and I knew I'd have trouble again if I couldn't calm him down.

"Ponyboy, shhhh…" I tightened my hold on him, resting my cheek at the top of his head. I took a deep breath, and let it out as slow and steady as I could manage before speaking again.

"Your brother's gonna have one helluva bad headache, but I promise you he's okay. He's gonna be a lot better though when I get you home. He’s worried sick."

"No…he said he killed him. I saw it!"

"Ponyboy," I firmly held his jaw to move his face up to look at me. "I would never lie to you about Sodapop. I was home and found him. He’s pretty banged up, but he’s alive and well and waiting for me to bring you home."

Pony tried to catch his breath while he stared at me; desperate to believe me, while being afraid to get his hopes up in case I was wrong.

"He…he ain't dead?"

"Shhhh…" I pulled my brother's head back into me.

I couldn’t fathom the terror Ponyboy must’ve felt; thinking Soda was dead while being tore away from his home by that sadistic piece of shit that would now be rotting away somewhere thanks to Tim Shepard. I looked over at Two-Bit and caught his eye. He nodded, slowing the truck down to take the detour that would bring us home.

"Let's go home, little buddy." I spoke gently. Ponyboy nodded and closed his eyes.

"I love you, Darry. I'm so sorry...all the trouble I've caused...I’ll be good...I promise...I love you."

Pony started to cry again, and once again my heart felt like it was going to break. I couldn’t do anything but hold him to me.

"None of this is your fault, Pony. You have nothing to apologize for. None of this is your fault.”

"You were there; I remember now. You found me then like you did tonight. I knew you'd find me, Darry. I knew you'd find me and take me home. I knew you'd make him go away."

I pulled back slowly; letting his words sink in. My heart pounded with the realization.

"You remember?"

Ponyboy nodded solemnly. "I felt your head on my shoulder. You were crying for me not to leave you."

I studied my brother's face, amazed by what he was telling me, and amazed once again at all he'd come through. My vision got blurry and I kissed the top of his head. Again, I felt a loss for words. I didn’t think there were words out there to describe every thought and emotion I had at that moment.

"I love you so much. Let's get you home to your brother."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.


	43. Forty-three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

I felt myself nodding off as the heat from the truck and the warmth of my brother curled in my arms, wrapped me in the comforting exhaustion that could only come from the aftermath of a nightmare that turned out to be a dream come true. The familiar rumble of the truck’s engine was like a soothing lullaby, coaxing my eyelids closed, and my head tilted to rest against Ponyboy’s. I didn’t think it was possible to slip into that deep of sleep so quickly, until I suddenly felt Two-Bit gently shaking my shoulder and I forgot where the hell I was.

I frowned as Two-Bit cut the engine, and I felt the cab of the truck start to cool. I didn’t want to move. I was perfectly comfortable and prepared to spend the night sitting upright. Prepared to accept the cricks and cranked muscles I’d have the next day from holding my brother to me with my neck bent in such an unnatural position. I ignored Two-Bit as he gave my shoulder another shake. I took in a deep breath as I rubbed my cheek against Ponyboy’s hair, and felt myself slip back into bliss.

I’m sure it was only a minute or two, but it could’ve been an hour that passed as I started becoming aware of the commotion outside. In my mind, I’d successfully removed myself and Pony from the truck and carried him up the walkway, up the porch and into the house where we were mauled by a gleeful Sodapop. The image of his smile was so real, that I’d convinced myself it happened while still knowing full well that we hadn’t even moved. I frowned as I heard Steve and Two-Bit yelling and arguing, and didn’t open my eyes until the passenger door whipped open.

"Jesus Christ, please tell me he’s alive." The horror on Steve’s face would’ve been comical on any other night but this one. I looked at him tiredly, nodding while I moved a hand up to rub my face.

"Come on, Steve. Give ‘em some room." Two-Bit requested quietly, but it only seemed aggravate Steve.

"Give them room? Listen, I got Sodapop losin’ his fuckin’ mind in there over this kid! I dunno if it’s ‘cause he really thinks he’s dead, or ‘cause his head is busted open. All I know is you better let him see his brother before he does something stupid and hurts himself!"

I felt more alert and aware of my surroundings when I heard Steve worry about his best friend. I held onto Pony tight as I shuffled across the seat and made my way out of the truck with him still in my arms. Two-Bit closed the door after us and I looked around and noticed a familiar car. My stomach flipped.

"Greg’s here?"

"I didn’t know who the fuck else to call. I thought Soda was gonna hurt himself." Steve tried to explain, and I nodded my understanding. I knew all too well the desperation he must’ve felt.

I followed them up the walk to those porch steps. Steve stormed through the door, hollering at Soda that we were back. Two-Bit held the door open as I made my way up the steps. I’d barely made one step through the doorway, when my brother came barreling around the corner of the hallway, half his face still covered in blood. I don’t know what his initial thought was, but the look on his face read horror, and I’m sure the fact that me and his brother were covered in blood didn’t help matters.

He froze in the middle of the hallway; his hands up and out as though I were going to pass him a football, and that horrified expression covering his face told me he thought his brother was gone. I moved in closer, waiting for Sodapop to see and realize that Pony was still with us, but it didn’t seem to happen.

"Soda?" Ponyboy’s gentle croak seemed to wake Sodapop up from his daze, and in the next second I had him ripping Pony out of my arms.

"Careful, Soda! Careful!" I warned, but it was too late.

My two younger brothers were inconsolable while clinging to each other. There was nothing graceful about the way Pony landed. Soda wasn’t quite strong enough to carry his little brother even with all the weight Pony had lost. Pony fell out of my hold like a dead weight, and half-laid on his brother in the middle of that hallway. The two of them were on the floor searching for each other while; eyes closed and their faces pressed together with their hands discovering that one another was really alive.

"Darry," Soda’s eyes were red and swollen as he looked at me. I was holding the shirt Ponyboy had slipped out of as he fell onto his brother.

I stared at Ponyboy as he hung on to Sodapop desperately, unable to catch his breath, and noticed the trail of blood flowing down the back of his legs leading from his ass. I knelt down and carefully wrapped my shirt around him one more time before my own legs turned weak and I was on the floor leaning up against the wall, a mere spectator.

Sodapop was all over his brother, his hands frantically moving; cupping the back of Pony’s head, then sweeping up and down his back before his arms wrapped him tightly in a bear hug. Then his hands moved around to cup the back of Pony’s head again. I’d never seen them so emotional, not even after mom and dad died or when Pony ran away. Pony was trying to burry his face in his brother’s neck and shoulder while he cried, but the swelling to the right side of his face was making it difficult. He was begging for the comfort only Soda could give him, but it didn’t seem to suffice. There was nothing I could do but watch them while I tried to keep my body from shaking.

I’d forgotten that Steve, Two-Bit, and Greg were there until Greg had knelt beside my brothers, and started looking over Sodapop. Their voices were muffled as they spoke to one another and I felt like I was watching it all on a movie screen or tv. I watched curiously as Steve leaned over and rubbed the back of Ponyboy’s head tenderly, while saying something to his best friend.

Greg turned his head and watched me; his lips moving but I couldn’t seem to process what he was saying. I stared at him blankly, wondering what the hell was going on when Two-Bit was suddenly beside me with an arm around my shoulder, shaking me.

"Darry? Darry? What’s goin’ on, doc? I don’t understand. Why’s he acting so strange?"

"Shock. Is there any juice or something sweet? It’ll keep his sugar from bottoming out like the last time I seen him do this."

"Juice in _this_ house? How ‘bout chocolate milk? That do?" Steve asked, his hand still rubbing the back of Pony’s head, while he was trying to help Soda sit up.

Greg nodded, and Steve quickly left and headed towards the kitchen. I felt Two-Bit’s arm tighten around my shoulders, and I brought my hands up in front of me and stared at the dried blood that coated them.

"Darrel, look at me." Greg had slid over from my brothers to where I was slouched down on the floor. "Darry, is any of this blood yours?" Greg looked at me worried until I shook my head slowly.

"Alright then. I want you to sit tight and drink. Soda needs his head sutured up and then I want to take a look at you."

"Ponyboy." I gestured, wanting my brother looked at first.

Greg’s face turned pale and he lowered his voice while his hands moved up and held my face.

"Darry, I need you to listen to me, okay? He’s hurt, Darry. I’m pretty sure he was…Christ..." he swallowed hard, and nodded awkwardly. "He’s not going to want me touching him so I’m gonna need your help. I can’t do it otherwise. I just can’t do anything without you and Soda there to help him."

I looked at him, trying to digest what he was saying. Another hurdle. Another obstacle. Just one more nightmare for my brother to live through even now that Martin Campbell was permanently out of our lives. I nodded slowly and watched as he turned back to my brothers just as Steve came back, handing Two-Bit the drink to give me.

"Sodapop, I need you to hold still, buddy."

I watched on as Greg tried to stitch up Soda’s head, but it looked like an impossible feat. Soda was in hysterics as he and his brother clung on to each other with all that they had. Colours started fading in and out as my stomach seized tight enough to make my eyes roll back. I winced as I let out a moan, and felt a hot flush reach my face. Someone called my name, and I broke free of Two-Bit’s hold as my stomach clenched tighter. I heard glass break and I scrambled to my feet, holding onto the wall for support as I took off for the bathroom.

I rested my arms on the seat of the toilet while my stomach emptied what it had, and then some. My eyes clenched with the effort, as I heaved uncontrollably. I opened my eyes when I tasted metallic across my tongue, and saw my own blood mix with what I’d purged. I was suddenly cold and clammy with my thoughts muddled, and I eased up off the floor, flushing the toilet before opening the medicine chest and grabbing for the bottle Greg had prescribed me. I drank it down, hoping for some relief, when Greg rushed in.

"Darry, are you okay?" He eyed the bottle I was holding, and then looked at me skeptically.

I took a slow, deep breath and nodded.

"I need help, Darry. Soda won’t hold still long enough for me to patch up his head, and there’s no way he’ll let me get to Ponyboy. Do you mind if I call for help?" Greg asked, and I looked at him in confusion. "Darry, the three of you need to be in the hospital. You’re shocky, Soda and Ponyboy are too. I need help."

"I’m alright," I mumbled as I tried to steady my hands. I took a deep breath, and swallowed down the remaining nausea I had, and looked at Greg determinedly when I repeated "I’m alright. I’ll help you."

Greg didn’t look convinced as I brushed passed him in the doorway and headed back to Sodapop and Ponyboy. Soda managed to sit somewhat upright against the wall, his arms still locked around his brother, their faces still pressed together. I realized the challenge Greg had, and as I carefully made my way down on hands and knees to crawl over to where they were, I hoped that I could still give them the feeling of safety I once was able to provide before one vicious monster broke into our lives and destroyed everything.

"Hey, little buddy." I spoke softly so I wouldn’t spook either of my younger brothers, as I sat in front of Sodapop. "Try and take it easy, Soda."

"Darry," Pony’s voice was weak, but loud enough to get Soda’s attention.

Soda lifted his face from his brother’s, and shot me a look of pure devastation, before closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the wall, shaking it back and forth.

"I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!" Soda sobbed uncontrollably.

Ponyboy dropped his left arm from around his brother, and tried to hold out his crooked hand behind him. I wrapped my hand around it while I shuffled closer, my legs stretched out and around both of my brothers. I gently moved Pony’s hand back up to hold onto Sodapop’s shirt, and then reached out to pull Soda, bringing both of my brothers closer to me.

Ponyboy remained cradled while squashed in between me and Sodapop. I reached over and held Soda’s head while I looked over my shoulder and nodded at Greg. Two-Bit and Steve were scrambling to clean glass and chocolate milk off the floor while Greg kneeled over Soda’s shoulder, and began threading the gash on his forehead closed. The world started to move out of focus for me again, and I fought to re-gain control as I let my head fall gently against Ponyboy’s. My breaths were slow, deep, and deliberate as I rubbed my face against the back of Pony’s head, and planted a series of kisses on his hair.

"Darry stay with me, buddy." Greg’s voice was filled with concern, but it only served to irritate me.

"I’M FINE!" I lashed out in sorrow.

I would be fine. Sodapop would be fine. But nothing on earth would ever be able to make Ponyboy fine, and it was about to kill me.

"It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault." Soda repeated to himself while continuing to cry.

I looked up at Soda, and could see the anguish that he was in. He was having the same thoughts that ran through my own mind since the night I hit Ponyboy and drove him to run away. It was the knowledge that my one action caused an avalanche full of events that spiralled out of control. I’d learned my lesson ten-fold, and was desperate for fate to stop challenging me, but it refused.

"Awe, Pepsi." I reached out with my thumbs, and wiped the tears from his eyes. "This is not your fault."

"I was supposed to protect him. I shoulda locked the door!" Soda cried, but I just shook my head at him.

"We didn’t know. We didn’t know he’d be watching us. Soda Patrick Curtis, this is not your fault."

"When I woke up and he wasn’t here…I thought he was gone for good! And when I seen you, and he wasn’t moving and y’all were covered in blood…"

"He’s not dead. Feel him; you’re holding onto him. He’s breathing…listen to that." I wanted Sodapop to feel the small  comfort I’d been feeling whenever I heard the soft whooping every time Ponyboy took a breath.

Soda nodded solemnly and closed his eyes as Greg finished the last stitch. I looked at Greg and gave a quick nod of appreciation before he stepped back and headed for the kitchen. I let one hand slip down, where I held Soda and subsequently Ponyboy closer to me, while my other hand pet the top of Soda’s head gently. Greg made his way back to us, and knelt at my side.

"Sodapop, can I show you something that might make you feel a little better?" Greg asked softly, clearly dealing with his own shock during the night’s events.

Soda didn’t say anything, but nodded as he looked at Greg curiously. Greg smiled gently as he pulled his stethoscope from his back pocket, and carefully placed the ear pieces into Sodapop’s ears. Sodapop gave Greg a look like he thought he was crazy. His eyebrows creased, and I almost thought he was going to shove him away as Greg touched Ponyboy on the shoulder.

"I want you to listen." Greg instructed softly as he pressed the bell up to the middle of Pony’s chest, and waited for Soda’s reaction.

I watched on as Soda’s face slowly relaxed. His eyes closed as he listened to his brother’s heart beating through Greg’s instrument, and his breathing began to slow down and deepen. He continued to listen on, as though he were listening to a favourite song on the radio. I let my fingers drag gently through his hair, noticing how his brown eyes sparkled again, and he gave me a small smile.

"Darry, you gotta hear this!" Soda’s smile got bigger. "This is wild!"

"It’s alright, little buddy. Keep listening." I almost smiled myself, watching Sodapop’s reaction.

Greg watched Sodapop intently as my brother seemed to come back to life. I felt myself relax a little with each animated face Soda made as he listened to Ponyboy’s body living and functioning.

"I’m listening to your heart, honey." Soda smiled and kissed Pony’s head as it remained rested on his shoulder.

Pony’s arm moved slowly until he moved Greg’s hand out of the way, and he was the one holding the bell of the stethoscope to his chest. Greg’s eyes locked with mine. He looked down at Pony before looking back at me expectantly. I knew that he was worried and needed to look Ponyboy over, I just wasn’t feeling very positive about what the outcome would be.

"Hey, sweetheart," I spoke as gently as I could as I let a hand rest on Pony’s head. "Let’s let Greg have a look at you, okay?"

Ponyboy shook his head adamantly; refusing like I’d knew he would. He let go of the stethoscope, and Soda gently removed it from his ears, handing it back to Greg.

"C’mon, hon. Me and Darry are here, and you know that Greg would never do anything to hurt you." Soda tried with no luck. Pony only shook his head harder before hiding his face in Soda’s chest.

"Pony," I tried to be firm, knowing how important it was that he be seen by a doctor.

"I want a bath." Pony’s voice was muffled against his brother’s chest.

"That’s okay, baby. We can do that after Greg has a look at you." I urged, but it only served to upset him.

"No, Darry. Please!" Ponyboy started to cry again, and I felt my own eyes start to sting.

"Shhhh…" I rubbed his head softly and noticed Sodapop hold him tighter.

"I want a bath. I want him off me, Darry. Please! I’m dirty! Get him offa me!"

"Okay, okay!" I gently eased Pony from Soda’s arms, and slowly moved him into my own. I looked at Greg apologetically, and he waved me off with the shake of his head.

"Okay, little buddy. Let’s get you washed up." I said as I eased off the floor and headed for the bathroom with Sodapop in tow.

Soda had the light on as I passed him and slowly eased Ponyboy into the bathtub. I backed off, letting Sodapop take over. He unwrapped my old shirt from Pony before turning on the taps, and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and almost choked.

My once stark white undershirt was now the color of crimson and rust as Martin Campbell’s blood was still drying. My hands and arms were also stained, and I realized then why both Soda and Greg had been so worried. I edged to the sink and turned the water on full blast, and proceeded to scrub down my arms and hands. I scrubbed hard until the water in the sink ran clear, and the skin on my upper extremities felt tender.

I looked over at Soda struggling with Ponyboy, and whipped my undershirt off and tossed it into the wastebasket beside the toilet while kicking off my boots. Soda gave me a funny look while I undid my belt, then the button and zipper and slid my jeans off. My socks came off next.

"Darry, you ain’t gonna…" Soda started, but I cut him off while I slid into the tub behind Ponyboy; my legs splayed on either side of him.

"I got my underwear on." I mumbled while I reached for the bar of soap, and started lathering the pale skin on Ponyboy’s back, and washed the blood that was caked on my torso.

I did exactly what he’d asked of me. I washed off every trace of Martin Campbell that I could except for the permanent reminders that were forever carved into his skin. I could tell Pony was starting to fade; his body was wobbling back and forth enough so that Soda had to hold onto his shoulders. I caught Soda’s eye, wanting to know how Pony was looking from his side, and Soda as usual read me like a book. He smiled softly as he looked at our brother, then looked back at me before giving a slight nod.

"Alright, little buddy. We’ll let Soda get the rest, okay." I reached out, and gently pulled Ponyboy towards me to rest against my frame as I leaned back in the tub. I was a little surprised that Pony didn’t fight either of us, instead he seemed to relax into me; not fighting in the least when Sodapop started to wash his front.

"Soda?" Pony’s voice was oddly calm.

"Yeah, kiddo. What is it?"

"Can you warm a blanket for me again?"

"Yeah, honey. Sure thing." Soda’s voice was soothing as he reached up and stroked Pony’s face. "I think he’s fallin’ asleep, Darry."

I nodded as Greg practically tip-toed into the bathroom, and crouched down beside Sodapop. He looked at me for permission, and I nodded as I unknowingly tightened my arms around Pony. Greg jumped right in, but was gentle enough that Pony didn’t even register it wasn’t me or Soda.

"Lots of defensive wounds." Greg commented quietly to himself as he looked over each of Pony’s arms.

"What does that mean?" Soda seemed to take a serious interest in what Greg was doing that went beyond his worry over his brother, and I watched him intently.

"It means your brother is one tough kid. He put up one helluva fight." Greg answered as he slowly lowered Pony’s arm, giving me a warm smile when I wrapped my arms around Pony’s.

Pony whimpered slightly as Greg carefully turned Pony’s head to the left, so he could look over the bruising and swelling on the right side of his head and face. His hands were quick and skilled, knowing exactly what to feel for as his fingers gently pressed and felt around the new and old injuries to Ponyboy’s head. Pony winced a few times, but otherwise remained quite settled.

"Goddammit!" Greg cursed under his breath as he shook his head. "Bastard had to go for the head again; like this kid didn’t have enough damage already."

"Greg, is he okay?" I started getting alarmed, but Greg nodded and put my mind at ease.

"Gimme your hands, Sodapop." Greg instructed. Sodapop moved his hands over, and watched closely as Greg gently moved them over Ponyboy’s head.

"Here’s where the old scarring is." Greg guided Sodapop’s hands over Pony’s head, and I watched on in fascination as Sodapop was completely enthralled in what he was doing.

"Here…this is just bruising. No swelling. No bumps. His skull is okay." Greg continued to teach Sodapop, and my heart beat a little faster seeing my brother this way.

"I’m cold, Soda." Pony’s voice rasped, and broke Sodapop out of his concentration.

"I’m sorry, honey." Sodapop grinned and slowly stood up. "Thanks, Greg." He smiled and then left the room to go get a blanket ready for our brother.

I stared at Greg, wondering if he saw something in Sodapop that even Soda himself didn’t realize. I smiled and motioned for the towel hanging on the hook on the back of the door. Greg nodded, getting up and grabbing the bath towel.

"You mind gettin’ the plug?" I asked as I noticed the water cooling. Greg reached in and the water started to drain. We were silent until the water disappeared, and Greg covered Ponyboy with the towel.

"You still need to look him over? You need to see his..." I gestured to Pony’s body, below the waist while I started to gently dry Ponyboy off.

Greg shook his head, sadness on his face. "I already know what I’ll find. I think you guys have been through enough tonight. I think I need a drink."

"Beer’s in the fridge. There’s a bottle of whiskey under the sink if you need something stronger." I offered.

"Darry, what about you? Jesus, Christ!" Greg was exasperated as his hand dragged through his hair.

"I have everything I’ll ever need. Thank you for being here, Greg. I’m sorry to put you through this, but I’m glad Steve called. Thank God you’re here."

"Whatever you need, Darry. I’ll do whatever I can to help out." There was an unshed tear in his eye.

”Thank you,” I nodded. 

Sodapop came in holding the flannel blanket he’d warmed up in the dryer. Greg smiled as he slowly stood up and made his way out of the bathroom to give us room. Sodapop knelt by the tub where Greg had just been and I pulled the towel off Ponyboy and threw it over the edge of the tub. Soda and I worked to wrap the blanket around Pony like a human burrito of sorts. I didn’t look to Soda for direction this night. With Soda’s help, I got out of the tub and carried my brother to my room where the three of us would spend another night together. This night, I needed to be as near to them as they needed to be near to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton. Thank you once again for the kudos and comments left. They are very much appreciated!


	44. Forty-four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

I opened my eyes when I felt the sudden chill cover the bare skin of my shoulders. I turned my head and startled when I noticed the empty space between me and Sodapop. My heart gave a thud, but as I whipped my head to the right, I let out a sigh of relief when I caught sight of Ponyboy sitting upright in the middle of the bed staring down at his hands.

He’d unraveled himself from the flannel blanket his brother and I had wrapped around him, and I could see how the cool breeze coming from my open window was affecting him, as thousands of bumps covered his bare flesh. I sat up slowly and shuffled forward to sit next to him; cautiously resting a hand on his shoulder.

"Can I go home now?" I heard him whisper.

I looked over at him confused. "You _are_ home, Ponyboy."

"You said I could go home and see my brothers if I was good and did what you said."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath when I realized my brother wasn’t talking to me. He was talking to Him in his sleep, and reliving the hell he had to go through. I bit the inside of my mouth to keep from screaming. I took in another deep breath to steady my hands, and then fully understood how Campbell was able to get what he wanted from Pony besides using brute force. He used his family as bait.

"Shhhh, lay down with me, Pony."

I gently pulled my brother down with me on the bed, and he rolled over onto his side to face me. The bruising from the beating he received that night was darkening, and it was eerie looking at him. His eyes were wide open and looked almost ghostly in the dim light cast from the lamp on my bedside table, but I knew it wasn’t me he was seeing.

"I just wanna go home. I’ll do whatever you want. I wanna see my brothers." Pony’s voice was as lost as the expression on his face.

I wanted to shelter him from every horror that he was forced to deal with, but it was too late for that now. I couldn’t even keep hell from breaking into our home; the one place he was supposed to be and feel safe, and instead it crashed in and reared its ugly head and shattered any peace or security he may have still felt. I didn’t know how to fix what had been broken in Ponyboy, because I had nothing left to offer him that would mean anything. I carefully wrapped my arms around him, more for my own sake than his.

"Shhhh…it’s gonna be okay, Pony."

"Can I go home now? I miss Darry and Soda."

"You’re home now, kiddo."

I pulled him in closer to me and reached down to grab the blankets, pulling them up so he was tucked in up to his shoulders. His body seemed to relax a little as my hand gently rubbed his hair. His eyes closed slowly and then opened, but I knew he wasn’t seeing anything but what was in his dream.

"Darry?" My heart tugged at the sound of him saying my name.

"Yeah, babe?"

"I don’t gotta go back there no more, right?"

"Nope. You’re home to stay for good. You’re home where you belong."

He didn’t speak after that, but his left arm slowly moved up to touch me. I gently tugged that crooked arm of his and tucked it under my own arm, and closed my eyes against the onslaught of tears that didn’t want to stop. I held my breath until I knew I wouldn’t sob aloud, and just let the tears flow; praying to God that I wasn’t going to lose my brother.

 

The sun shone brightly in my room when I opened my eyes next, and I came face to face with a pair of soft brown eyes that matched the exhaustion I’m sure that was deep in my own. Sodapop’s face was suddenly filled with concern as I felt the gentle sweep of his hand against my cheek. He propped his head up on his other hand, and smiled softly as he looked down at the brother laying between us, wrapped as tightly as he ever had been in my arms.

"How long you been up?" I mumbled quietly, so as not to wake our little brother.

"A little while. Freaked out a bit when I didn’t see him right away. Thought he was gone again." A flash of pain crossed Soda’s face before his hand left my cheek to tiredly rub across his forehead. He winced when his fingers brushed across the stitches Greg managed to sew in the night before.

"He ain’t goin’ anywhere." I whispered as I watched Soda.

I suddenly remembered how my younger brothers clung on desperately to one another, so terrified that they had lost each other forever, and I felt my gut churn. I could still hear their cries echo in the back of my mind. I looked at the black swelling to the right side of Soda’s forehead, and winced myself. It had to hurt something awful.

"How’s your head, little buddy? You got quite a goose egg."

Soda grinned slightly as he shrugged his shoulders, brushing it off like it meant nothing that he could’ve been killed by the man that tried everything to take our brother away from us. Soda looked at me sheepishly, before eying his little brother and his eyes managed to find their sparkle.

"Thank you, Darry." Soda slowly slid his arm underneath Ponyboy’s neck, and I couldn’t help but grin as Soda snuggled up closer to the back of his brother.

"For what?" My eyebrows furrowed, and I couldn’t help the way my eyes suddenly rolled when I remembered how personal space didn’t mean a damned thing to Sodapop. I felt his arms snake around Pony, and I had no choice but loosen my grip on our brother, and let Sodapop take the reigns.

"You brought him home." Soda shoved his face in Pony’s neck, and squeezed his brother, eliciting a small groan.

"Take it easy on him, little buddy." I warned Soda as I took in the grimace on Ponyboy’s face. I could see the bruises around Pony’s neck from where Martin Campbell had tried to stop him from breathing. My stomach felt like ice. "He’s gonna be real sore for a while."

"I’d never do anything to hurt him." Soda mumbled into Pony’s neck, kissing one of the bruises before shoving his face in further.

I reluctantly let go of Pony’s slight frame altogether, but couldn’t help the grin as Soda’s hold tightened. Ponyboy let out another groan, and Soda’s arms let up slightly, with one of his thumbs gently roaming back and forth on Pony’s chest. I could tell that Ponyboy knew Soda was there. I could read it in his body and the way it lost all its tension, letting him just melt away into his favourite person on earth.

I’d spent years and years questioning and being jealous, even before the passing of our parents, and sometimes found myself resentful of their closeness. But this day I was thankful for it because more than anything, I wanted Pony’s nightmares to go away forever, and I knew that if there was one thing or one person that was going to get him through the hell he suffered, it was our Sodapop.

"I know, little buddy." I sighed and let my hand rest on Sodapop’s head; my fingers rubbing the short strands of his hair. "You two sleep today."

I wanted to lay there with them, but remembered the condition of the house from the night previous. I didn’t want my brother’s to be reminded. I didn’t want them to see the blood and everything else left over from Campbell’s visit, so I slowly wandered down the hall after throwing on a clean pair of jeans, and headed for the bathroom to start cleaning up.

I heard the voices, and the quiet instruction from Greg as he, Two-Bit, and Steve, were on their hands and knees scrubbing the blood from the old tile of the floor and the chipped porcelain of the tub. The three of them stopped what they were doing as I approached the doorway. Nobody said a word. Maybe there were no words left to be said, but I knew that I was blessed to have these guys in my corner. I nodded to them in appreciation, then silently backed myself into the hallway.

I looked towards the boy’s room, and my feet seemed to carry me there like they had no choice. I opened the door and my hand flipped the light switch upwards, and I cringed at the condition of the room. It’d been kept tidy since the efforts of both Steve and Two-Bit had transformed a bedroom covered in magazines, books, and scattered dirty laundry, into a startling example of organized living. But now the room looked like it’d been hit by a tornado; worse than it ever had been at the hands of two teenage boys. There was more than just a struggle that took place, and I knew in that moment that He took Pony here.

I made my way over to Ponyboy’s desk, and picked up the chair that had been toppled over. There were drawings he’d done, crumpled and torn and strewn all over the floor. I slowly knelt down and gathered the pictures, smoothing the paper out on my lap as I took in every detail my brother sketched. I’d seen the few pictures Ponyboy had tacked on his wall, but suddenly seeing the world through his eyes so many months ago touched something deep inside of me, and my eyes drank up his talent as though they belonged to a man stranded without water in the desert. I shivered realizing how gifted my brother was, and I was terrified that his gift, along with everything else pure in him, was gone.

It was a while before I could tear my eyes away from Ponyboy’s work. When it started to hurt too much; the unknown still nagging at me, I gently piled the drawings, stood up and placed them carefully on the desk. As I looked around the room, I felt overwhelmed. I didn’t know where to start. How was I going to rebuild our family after so much had happened to try and destroy it? The boys’ room was just a symbol of the bomb that had gone off; blowing our small world and the lives we had into smithereens. I felt the weight of it pressing me down, drowning me in that sea of worry that always left me feeling like an old man. I’d finally reached my threshold, and I snorted to myself with the realization that Superman was dead.

I backed up and sat down hard on the bed Sodapop and Ponyboy shared, and buried my face in my hands as I struggled to come to terms with everything that’d happened in such a short amount of time. I rationalized that there was probably shock still lingering in my system, because I’d never felt so goddam tired. It irked me to feel so helpless and out of control, but the fatigue won, and I just couldn’t bring myself to fight anymore.

I dropped my hands from my face, and let them rest on my lap as I looked over to my side and realized I was sitting where my brother had been raped not even a day previous. There were the blood stains from my brother, and the other stains I didn’t want to look at or face anymore, and the next thing I knew I was tearing the bedding from the mattress of my brother’s’ bed like a mad man, and heading out the back door with it.

I left the heap of bedding on the patchy earth as I furiously made my way over to the tin garbage cans. I shucked the lid off of one while I kicked it’s matching cylinder over; spilling the two full bags of trash out onto the yard. My breaths were coming out as gasps as I swore and muttered to myself; my eyes starting to sting as though they hadn’t gotten used to all the crying I seemed to be doing lately.

"You son-of-a-bitch!" I yelled at the bedding as I pushed it into the trash can, one bundle of tainted fabric at a time. "You fucking bastard!"

The can was heaping, and I marched to my truck like a man on a mission and grabbed for the jerrycan of fuel sitting in the bed of my pickup. I was on complete auto-pilot; realizing that my plan existed somewhere in my subconscious and I was simply a rider on the storm.

I emptied the gasoline onto the sheets and comforters while my vision was red. I thought I’d been satisfied with my encounter with Pony’s demon. I thought the brutality in which I’d met Him the night before was enough, but it was His face I pictured after I’d brought back a book of matches from the kitchen, lit one up, then watched as the fire I’d started, raged higher.

The fire had given me solace, but only temporarily before I could feel my inner rage seethe again. It wasn’t enough; it would never be enough. He took everything from Pony, and I didn’t have the first clue on where to start helping him recover. It wasn’t enough for me to picture Martin Campbell burning in the depths of hell. I physically needed to feel something besides the cold and empty ache in the pit of my gut. I edged nearer to the house and away from the fire I’d created.

I heard my name being called when my left fist hit the wood siding on the house. Only a small part of me was aware of the sensation before my right fist made contact, and I was suddenly in an all-out sparring match; fighting it out with the house that used to shelter us and keep my brothers safe.

"Let him be, or you’ll be next." I could hear Steve’s voice as if from far away, as my own thoughts and screams tried to drown him out.

I bashed away at the panelling; punishing it for my own self-perceived short comings. I felt the skin split over the knuckles of my left hand first, feeling a certain relief come from it which only motivated me to strike harder.

A sea of faces swarmed in the mass of events that threatened to rip us apart. I thought back on the last year and a half, starting with my parents’ deaths and I pounded harder and harder until the wood paneling gave way as well as the skin on my hands.

My hands throbbed and I relished in the discomfort. Anything was better than the deep ache I thought would never go away and instead would eventually swallow me whole. I focused on the bloody patch I painted the house with, and tried to catch my breath while I backed away from the house.

I felt deflated, and finally I could touch upon something that may have resembled a bit of peace. My outburst ran its course, and as I turned back to go try and put out the inferno I’d created, I saw the various expressions ranging from fear, to confusion, and worry on the five faces looking back at me. Only one really mattered, and I walked slowly towards him.

Sodapop’s arm was securely draped over his shoulder, and he clung onto it as I made my way over. I smiled softly, noticing he’d thrown on a shirt and some sweat pants, no doubt panicked by the sound of my fury interrupting his needed sleep. I noticed Greg approach from my left, and I looked down at the hamburger that used to be my hands, and waved him off. I looked back at Ponyboy, and he gave me a weak grin.

"I woke you, didn’t I?" I frowned, but Ponyboy just shrugged at me.

"S’okay." He paused as he looked down at my hands. "You gonna be okay, Darry?"

I nodded as I stepped closer, pulling him into me. I felt his arms circle me, and Soda leaned into the both of us, completing the circle. I was still unsure of what to do next, but I knew we were in good hands; each other’s hands and somehow we’d pull each other through like we always had done before.

"It’s gonna be okay, Darry." Pony’s soft voice spoke into my chest. "I’m okay. You don’t gotta worry about me, I got you guys."

I laughed as I looked down at him; my baby brother had no awareness of just how brave he was and I was in awe once again. He was oblivious to the fact that I’d always worry about him. It didn’t matter how big and strong he got, he’d always be my little brother.

I loosened my hold of my brothers, and turned to stand beside them. Ponyboy cocked his head as he watched intently as his and Soda’s bed covers went up in flames. Soda sighed, and I felt his hand reach past Pony, to rub my shoulder. Ponyboy gave a thoughtful look before turning to me.

"Are we having hotdogs?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.


	45. Forty-five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darry's strength is tested once more as life throws another tragedy to the gang.

"Ponyboy, it's your turn to do the dishes." I called over my shoulder while I sat at the table, going through the bills.

A few weeks had passed, and we seemed to fall back into some of our normal banter; me nagging at Ponyboy, and Ponyboy rolling his eyes at me. Of course now there were differences. We changed. Maybe for the better, or maybe not. Maybe it was too soon to tell, but we'd all changed.

Sodapop was more careful and less reckless. He had to grow up even more than before. He'd had his heart broken by the girl of his dreams. They were too young to be so serious, but I knew that didn't matter. It took its toll on Soda's heart, and he had no time to heal before being hit with more loss; the loss of Dally and Johnny, and the loss of our brother. Ponyboy would come home to us finally, but the events that took place had scared Soda, and Soda was never scared.

I'd become a little softer, less hard, and thought less of the world in terms of black and white. I used to view life with tunnel vision; my priority was to keep what was left of my family together and I stopped at nothing. Unfortunately being so focused on that one thing meant that I was blind to everything else. I didn't enjoy life. I didn't take the time to be _with_ the family I was working so hard to keep. The thing about mistakes is that sometimes you're given the opportunity to learn from them. I'd never take my brothers for granted again.

Ponyboy was a work in progress; we were still learning. Time would tell how everything that had happened would change him besides the physical handicaps he now had to live with. Things were still fresh, and still too new to understand fully the extent to which Martin Campbell changed my brother, and it scared the hell out of me because there was nothing that Sodapop or I could do to change it. The only thing we could do was watch, wait, and pray that our love was strong enough, and we'd get him through the difficult times that were sure to come.

In the back of my mind I knew that I'd been hard on Ponyboy before, but now I felt like I had a better understanding of it. After our parents had been ripped away from us so unexpectedly, I had this all-encompassing fear that I'd lose what was left of my family. My brothers were the only thing left I had tying me back to my mom and dad, and they became everything to me. I was the oldest, and it was my job to protect them, especially Pony who'd been so young.

Pony, with his wide-eyed view of the world, I thought would get swallowed up by the harshness of life and the bleak reality of where we'd come from. His only chance was to work hard and get out and leave that world behind. But I'd taken my role of guardian too seriously, and somehow in the process of that role pushed him away. The tighter I held onto him, the further away he became, and in the end all of my protection didn't amount to anything. The world still broke through and took him, and although I got him back, there was a part of him that was gone for good.

I continued to sort through the bills, organizing them by the date they were due. When that was done, I piled the envelopes together and got up from the kitchen table to put them away in the basket I kept on top of the ice box. I looked at the sink that was overflowing with the days' worth of dishes, and rolled my eyes. I never understood why both of my brothers liked to put off chores until the last possible second, usually until I got after the both of them. I figured it made more sense to get them over with, and have the rest of your time to do what you wanted. It was one of the many ways we differed.

"Ponyboy Michael Curtis! Those dishes ain't gonna wash themselves!" I hollered as I made my way to the bathroom where he'd been avoiding his chores for the last half hour.

The door was only partially closed, and it swung wide open when my knuckles knocked against the wood. I wanted to ask and see what the hell my brother had been up to for so long while I'd busied myself with the bills, but all thought and reason seemed to disappear when I caught sight of him sitting down on the toilet with the lid down, holding onto Soda's razor in one hand while blood was pooling out of the other.

"Nonononono! No!” I ripped the hand towel from the rack on the wall as I fell on my knees in front of my little brother, immediately wrapping his hand up to stop the bleeding.

"What'd you do, Pony? What on earth did you do?" My voice shook as I held the towel tightly around his right hand. My other hand shoved itself into his hair, trying to gauge if he was alright.

He wore that blank stare well. It was the blank look that covered his face the majority of the time now. The same look he was wearing as a result of all that Martin Campbell had put him through. It was the look of someone completely lost, and detached from everything around him. It was the look I wanted to be able to reach beyond, wanting nothing but to know what was spinning around inside of his head.

"Ponyboy, can you look at me?" I practically begged him.

He was staring down at Sodapop's razor as it shook slightly in his crooked hand. It was as if he weren't even there. He didn't even react to me being in front of him, on my knees holding his wounded hand firmly. He didn't respond to my pleading. He didn't even feel my hand as it brushed through the reddish-brown strands of his hair.

"Pony, please." I cupped his face in my hand, and noticed his expression change as his eyes slowly moved to meet mine; finally noticing my presence.

"Darry, I cut myself." His voice was soft and despondent.

"I see that, baby. It's okay, I'll fix it up."

He nodded silently while he watched as I slowly unraveled the towel from his hand. I began to feel a sense of relief as I realized most of the wounds were mere scrapes. There were a couple of deeper lacerations to his fingers which was the cause of most of the bleeding, but the majority looked superficial. As quickly as relief came, so did confusion. I didn't know what was going on with my brother.

"Pony, did you do this on purpose?" I tried to keep my voice steady and calm like Soda would in this situation. I didn't want to make things worse.

Ponyboy hesitated a moment before he looked at me sadly, and then shook his head. My hands moved up to hold his face square to mine so that we were looking right at each other. I stared into those green-flecked irises, searching deep in there for any remnants of who my brother used to be, and came up empty and a little more heartbroken. I sighed and kissed his forehead.

"You can tell me anything. I won't get mad, Ponyboy. I promise. Did you cut yourself on purpose? Tell the truth."

"I was just snooping. My hand..." Ponyboy whispered.

"You were snooping?" I asked, clarifying if I'd heard him right.

Ponyboy nodded slowly. "I was looking through Soda's things."

Pony looked up towards the open medicine chest, and I followed his gaze and noticed Soda's shaving kit open, along with an open bottle of aftershave. I looked back at Pony, and he cringed a little.

"I didn't know how sharp it was. My hand don’t work anymore." Pony rasped.

"Why were you going through Sodapop's things? What were you thinking about?" I asked while wrapping his hand back in the towel, trying to understand. He could've asked either one of us, and we would've shown him. He didn't have to hide.

"How old were you when you started shaving?" Pony asked quickly, and suddenly my mind drifted back to the night of the rumble; not long before Ponyboy had been torn from his life and ours.

"Thirteen," I answered and felt the muscles in my face pull. It was an almost eerie moment, but I couldn't help but smile.

"When did Soda?"

"I think he was fifteen. Is that what all this is about?" I sniffed, not even realizing I'd been on the verge of tears.

" _I'm_ gonna be fifteen." Pony said sadly.

"Yup. You guys are growing up too fast on me. What the hell am I gonna do?" I grinned at Pony, and he gave me a soft smile.

"You'll get married and have kids, Darry." He said as a matter of fact, and I let out a laugh.

"Yeah, I suppose one day. Hopefully I'll learn how to be a good dad before then." I said, trying to get another smile out of Ponyboy, but he looked at me carefully.

"You already are a good dad, Darry." Pony said softly, and I had to look away or I was going to start crying.

"We should put this away." I said as I gently took Soda's razor from Pony's hand.

I stood up slowly, gathering Soda's things. I turned the tap on and rinsed Pony's blood from the blades of the razor, knowing it was okay. Ponyboy wanted to be like his big brother and was going through his things, playing out what it would be like. It was an accident, and I realized there were parts of my brother I'd never see again, but there were these new parts of Pony that would show up and leave me speechless. He was a survivor with a strength that was understated, but powerful. My little brother was amazing.

"Darry?"

"Yeah, Pony."

" _Is_ there something wrong with me?"

I looked down at Ponyboy as he sat on the lid of the toilet, and sighed. It was the question he'd been asking everyone for months. It'd been the one question he never seemed to get his answer to.

I was quiet, thinking about how I wanted to tackle the question posed to me by Pony. I tidied up around the sink before putting Sodapop's shaving kit and aftershave back into the medicine chest. Before closing it, I grabbed antiseptic, some gauze, and a few bandages out to cover Pony's fingers. When I was ready, I turned back to my brother and nodded.

"Can you walk okay?"

Pony nodded at me, still looking to me for his answers.

"Let's go in the other room. I'll patch you up and we can talk, okay?" I held my hand out for Ponyboy, and he took it carefully.

I slowly led him to the couch in the living room and I went ahead and sat down. Pony looked down at me a little timidly, until I gave him an encouraging wink, and tugged lightly on his arm.

"It's alright, kiddo. Come over here and sit by me. Lemme see your hand and we can talk, okay?"

Pony nodded slowly, and let me pull him down so that he was sitting to my left. I eased his right arm so it rested against my lap while I opened the paper packaging surrounding each bandage. I opened the bottle of antiseptic, and got the supplies ready to go to patch up Pony's hand. Pony stared down while I unwrapped his hand from the towel; that blank and lifeless expression that left me feeling unnerved.

"Penny for your thoughts," I whispered as my hand reached over and swept through Ponyboy's hair, hoping he was still with me and not lost like he always seemed to be.

I startled a little when his eyes met mine. His face was still expressionless, but his eyes bore through me almost as though he were trying to figure out _my_ thoughts. He flinched a little as I opened up his hand and exposed the various cuts and scrapes, opening some of the deeper ones on his fingers. We both watched as some fresh blood oozed from his index finger, and I quickly moistened gauze with the antiseptic.

"Hold on. This'll probably sting a bit." I warned as I started dabbing the gauze along the palm of my brother's hand in an attempt to clean both the blood, and any other dirt that may have been lingering.

Ponyboy jumped a little as he softly hissed, looking back down at his hand while I cleaned it. I knew how much it stung, but my youngest brother just gritted his teeth and took the pain without complaint. I realized then, that maybe Ponyboy hadn't changed so much after all. His whole life he'd been doing exactly that; taking the pain that came with life, and pushing through it without so much as a word.

"You always take good care of me. I'm so sorry, Darry." The anguish was so clear in Pony's voice even before he broke down.

"What are you talking about, Pony?" I stopped what I was doing, and reached over to hold his face.

"Am I bad?" Ponyboy looked at me, desperate for the answer.

"No, Ponyboy. You're not bad." I stared at him determinedly.

"Are you sure, Darry? 'Cause I think about it all the time and I figure somewhere I must've done something real bad. I must've deserved what I got, right?"

I turned from him and concentrated on bandaging up his hand. I needed to find the right words to convey every thought and emotion I wanted him to know and feel was true. The words jumbled around in my head while I felt his anxiousness build along with my silence. Three bandaids later, I gently took my brother's hand in mine, and kissed it tenderly before holding it tightly to my chest.

"I need you to listen to me, Pony and I need you to listen good. There's not a goddam thing wrong with you, do you understand?"

Ponyboy looked away from me as I tried to hold his gaze, but failed. I could sense that he found no solace in what I was telling him. He looked so confused; distressed as his head shook slowly back and forth, like nothing I was saying made any kind of sense to him.

"Then why? What did I do? Why did he do all those things to me? I musta did something! I didn’t mean to!" He started to cry.

I pulled my brother into me, wrapping my arms around him and leaned us back so I was resting against the couch and my brother was resting against me. There were so many things that I wanted to say to him, and I hoped and prayed that I could give him peace.

"Awe, Pone. You've had it pretty rough, kiddo. You're young but you're smart, Ponyboy; _so_ smart. But sometimes there's no rhyme or reason to things that happen in life. You didn't do anything to deserve _any_ of what he did to you. You were preyed on. Martin Campbell was nothing short of a monster, Ponyboy and you did nothing; not one thing to deserve what he put you through." I held onto my brother fiercely, still trying to protect him.

”It was my fault! He said I was asking for it! I deserved it!” Pony’s words made me cold. "I shoulda told you what he was doing. I'm sorry, Darry. I'm sorry." Pony sobbed into my shoulder, and I let him. He'd dealt with so much and he'd been so strong through all of it. He had every right to cry, and I wasn't about to stop him.

"It's not your fault. It doesn’t matter what he told you, baby. What I’m saying is the truth. None of what happened is your fault.” My fingers dragged through his hair softly.

”I tried to get him to stop! I swear!”

”Shhhh...I know you did, Pony. I know you did. You were scared, Ponyboy. It’s okay. It's alright, baby. Let it out. Let it all out." I whispered

I held my little brother as he cried. My cheek rested on the top of his head as he curled into me, letting me hold him tight. All pride was forgotten as the last couple of years and its heartaches rolled through, and out of him. Mom and dad dying, losing Johnny and Dally, and the subsequent nightmare he was forced to endure all spilled forth until there was nothing he could do but let it go.

It took a while until my brother's body was relaxed against me, and I'd figured he'd fallen asleep. I sat holding him, letting my own thoughts of the past years float to the surface of my mind and that one mistake on that one night stared me right square in the face again. Maybe I'd never fully forgive myself for hitting Pony, and in turn setting off a chain reaction of events that would change our lives forever. But I would learn from it, and keep learning from it, and realize how lucky I really was.

"You killed him didn't you, Darry?" Pony's voice was but a whisper.

I felt Pony move to look up at me, and my hand moved to brush against his cheek as I looked down to stare him in the eyes. The details didn't matter. I was responsible, and completely at peace with the decisions and actions I'd made that night. I would do it again. I kissed Pony on the forehead before looking back into his eyes and nodding slowly.

"I knew you’d make him leave me alone. I knew you’d make him go away. Thank you, Darry. Thank you." Pony's voice trembled. I nodded slowly, and then brought my brother back into me and held him tight so I could say to him what I'd meant since the day he was born.

"I'd die for you, Ponyboy. I would die for you."

_**The End.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.


End file.
